#tbt ( ft. calum & jet )

[miengsol]

shoutout to winter ( @undrowns ) for inspiring this monster of a oneshot. also jet and tida do not belong to me; they belong to their genius and wonderful creator, winter!

aka the first time calum had sex after mana’s passing. ***

Calum doesn’t quite remember how it started, him and Jet, fucking.

Okay, so maybe that’s a lie. Jet was the one who kissed him first, leaned in first before biting for entry into his mouth, all teeth and tongue. So in all technicalities, Jet started this, but then again, Calum’s the one who let him into the apartment and then his room in the first place. It’s all been a haze though, this past month- a blur consisting of the hospital, home, cooking, Erza waiting for him, always, and then a revolving door of faces, coming in and out of the apartment, all of them ranging from pitying to sympathetic, none of them the one he needs the most.

Sometimes when he’s out on the street, he looks for her. The back of a short dark-haired woman. Red lipstick on another woman’s lips- Calum can’t help it. Can’t help but let his heart speed up because maybe this was all just one terrible dream he’s having. She’s out there and he just has to find her.

( He’ll always look to her, Calum realizes. He did it in the past, why should it be any different now. )

And then he realizes it’s not her. The hope gets squashed as the numbness returns, even more pronounced than before.

He learns quickly if it’s not for work, groceries, or for taking Erza to daycare, it’s better to stay at home. But then again, their ( but now it’s just his ) apartment doesn’t serve much better as refuge, not when every corner, every space is filled to the brim with memories. In the future, he’ll take comfort in them, but right now? They’re needles carelessly pricked into the arm, like the first time he tried inserting a needle into the vein of a human dummy. He kept on missing and his rotation instructor reminded the class it hurts the patient more if you don’t prick the vein on the first try.

The only place in the entire apartment he’s safe from the memories is the bed when he’s sleeping. At least when he’s sleeping he doesn’t have to think about her, the memories, the fact she’s not here, she’s not anywhere to be found, and it’s his fault, it’s all his fault-

But these days, even when Calum’s not sleeping, he spends most of his time in bed anyway. It’s been harder again, these days, doing just about anything, including getting out of bed, taking a shower, brushing his teeth. The dishes have started to pile in the sink too and he knows this is how it’s getting bad again, his depression and he needs to pull himself together. Erza needs him and it shouldn’t have to take Erza telling him he’s hungry for Calum to finally summon the energy to get out of bed.

The thing is, he’s starting to care less. Less and less.

It scares him.

So it was a miracle then, that he managed to open the door for Jet Chiang. He doesn’t actually know much about him, save from the anecdotes that Tida has dropped on him. Technically, Calum could’ve asked Keo for a more accurate understanding, but he never got around too. Not one to poke around at what is obviously a sore spot for Tida. Calum has more than enough of his own anyways.

He vaguely recalled seeing him at her funeral too. Jet had been dressed a tad more casually than the rest of the attendees. He was dressed the same way in front of Calum’s doors and this time, Calum really couldn’t gloss over the scarring all over his arms but more of the fact, his arms are…toned. The tight shirt Jet wore left little to the imagination either. For a moment, Calum blinked owlishly. He felt the blood rush to below his waist before he swallowed. Chastising himself for so many reasons- thinking with his dick for a moment there, noticing that his friend’s ( negligent ) dad, but more importantly someone else who is not Mana, is attractive, looking slovenly for a guest, and so many other reasons-

He rubbed one side of his face, the whiskers prick his palms. He hasn’t shaved in a few days either. “Can you…can you give me a few minutes?”

A few minutes turned into something more like fifteen with Calum stumbling around the apartment picking up empty ( water ) bottles, Erza’s toys and dishes and washing some of the dirty ones, never mind the days’ old food bits gathering in the drain, before finally pulling on clothing that doesn’t reek, combing his hair and brushing his teeth.

He didn’t have the time to shave though.

Not that, he thought Jet would actually notice, let alone care about how he looked or how the rest of the apartment looked.  Jet said something along the lines of figuring he should check in on Calum and also how is he doing? Calum smiled, or at least the best he can. This isn’t the first time he’s been asked such words.

“I’m okay,” Calum told him. “Do you, I mean would you like anything to uh, drink?”

Jet asked for a beer, which interestingly though, Calum happened to have one or two of. He doesn’t drink much to begin with these days and Mana always preferred a wine although they had seldom pulled that out with Erza in the picture.

And then Jet finally got down to the crux of his visit. Or at least that Calum assumes it’s supposed to be.

Calum knew from word of mouth that Jet too, lost his wife. An inference made when Tida once mentioned offhandedly his mom died when was younger. But then Jet gives him the full story although their marriages couldn't be possibly more different, it all boils down to the same set of emotions: grief, longing, and guilt. Wondering why the people around them keep dying or suffering, if it’s their fault for existing in the first place. Guilt that maybe, just maybe if they weren’t around, their wives would be…alive. Maybe a little unhappier, but alive nevertheless.

Better alive than this…suffering. And for what reason?

Voicing them if only through mere agreement doesn’t make the thoughts any easier to carry. And yet, he can’t help but find comfort in that he isn’t the only one whom these thoughts plague.

( A pang of guilt twinged in his chest though- of all the people who would understand, why does it have to be Jet? Why does it have to be Tida’s father when Tida is the one who has been giving support without Calum asking- Tida with his hovering. Tida with his seemingly endless supply of tissues and water. Tida and the way he strangely has stayed in one spot for this past month even though Calum knows he’s restless by nature, not one to stay in one place for long. Doesn’t he have his own grief to deal with? And about his wife’s grief and Keo’s- )

This is why then, when Jet kisses him, Calum lets him. It’s a shock at first- the last person he’s kissed this way was his wife- but then he can’t help but lean into it, moaning when Jet bites down on his lip for entrance because it’s something different. Something different from the all-consuming numbness that he knows will return once Jet leaves.

As they stumble into his room, Calum working to undo the belt around Jet’s waist and Jet ripping through the buttons of Calum’s shirt, something in the back of his mind protests. What is Tida going to think?

Jet pushes Calum down on his bed ( the bed he shared with her – what kind of husband is he, inviting a stranger into his bed, only a month following her passing? He can’t help but picture her frowning, angry even, watching from the afterlife- ) and next thing Calum is aware, he’s facedown against his sheets as Jet fucks into him, hips slamming against his behind over and over again at a harsh pace. It’s rough, painful, and there’s nothing romantic about it, but in a way, Calum can’t help but find relief in it. Solidarity in another person. Punishment for fucking his friend’s father and someone who isn’t Mana so soon-

He lets out a shaky breath as a hand shoves him down so he’s flat against his mattress and he groans when the hand remains steady on the small of his back. Jet bites into his neck, tangling his other hand into Calum’s hair and Calum can’t help but curse as the pace picks up and the need to cum pools in his groin. He grips the sheets beneath him tighter.

He’ll worry about that later. For now, he asks whatever higher being is watching, just let him have this.

Please.

.

.

fin.

#depression cw #needles cw #undrowns #hushed voices ( nsfw. ) #post it notes hidden away ( backstory. ) #my heart on a post it note ( writing. ) #tbt ( ft. calum & jet ) #surprise!!! the saddy daddies strike again... #if i'm going down this lane i'm taking u with me #i couldn't focus on anything else until i got this whooping 1400 words out of my brain jskdlfjsdl #winter really said pain!! and i said 'okay but how about i give u...more :D ' #' for free :-D '

[miengsol]

@undrowns sent in: 🖤 would calum like to do this... for jet? ajsjks ( only if you want to ! ) ( ft. first impressions meme ) || not accepting - please do not send in!

send me a 🖤  for my muse's thoughts on seeing your muse at a distance for the first time.

The first time Calum meets him, it's moments before Mana's funeral.

Which, in hindsight, isn't exactly the best time to meeting anyone. But before that, Calum had never seen him before; he had only heard stories from Jet's son: the unsavory ones too. One didn't need to read too much between the lines. The relationship between Jet and his son is strained, less than ideal, which given Calum's own experiences with his...father, is more than understandable. It's not like Tida is obligated to let people know whose sperm helped in his conception, let alone arrange a 'meet the family' gathering for his friends.

So when Calum sees Jet in the distance, he doesn't realize at first this man is in fact, Tida's father. The funeral is just about as horrible and numbing as he expected it to be. Calum is by the door greeting the guests as they come in. He's been in this position once before, hasn't he? Eight years ago, he had done the same at Daniel's funeral. Hong Huynh would have done what Calum is doing right now herself, done it for her granddaughter ( the one Calum failed to protect ), but her feet hurt, she can't stand for long periods of time. That and someone has to sit with Erza although Calum vaguely recalls asking Tida to keep an eye on Erza during the funeral too. Calum's body feels heavy. Heavy, heavy, heavy, like it takes an anchor's worth of energy to even take a step. It's a strange sensation, considering that his head, on the other hand, is light-headed, empty, like it still hasn't sunken in that she's not here anymore and she won't be returning any time soon. He can look in their apartment and pinpoint the exact spot she stood next to him washing the dishes, the exact spot she was sleeping in on their bed, the exact spot she would wait while pulling her shoes on and how is he supposed to raise Erza without her, how is he supposed to go on if she's not there-

But Jet. If there is an antithesis of Tida, his father might just be it. Whereas Tida is more lean, muscle on sinew, athleisure belying the fact that yes, he does work out, Jet is visibly muscular. Broad shoulders for a tall and imposing figure. He's dressed in a black, like everyone else, but also a tad more casual too. Calum can see the scarring on his skin peeking out from behind the fabric. A man who does manual labor, Calum might evaluate in the hospital. Someone who works with his hands and body.

Jet approaches. For a moment, thoughts of Mana halt as Calum wonders- who told him about the funeral ( it was Tida probably ), but also what reason would someone like his friend's dad consider attending the funeral of someone he didn't know. And then he catches Jet's eye and realizes.

It's the same reason Hong Huynh insisted on going to Daniel's funeral all those years ago- just as she and Daniel's grandfather both understood the pain of losing a child to suicide, Calum and Jet also now share a mutual understanding, a shared pain of losing a partner suddenly, without warning.

( Sympathy after all, can only take a person so far. Empathy on the other hand can take one miles and off the cliff too. )

Jet nods, albeit curtly and Calum returns the courtesy. It occurs to him that Jet is not only broad shoulder but he's also very, very toned. He watches the way the light bounces off Jet's biceps. And then Calum looks away, cheeks warm, lips pressed together firmly.

"Thank you for coming," he murmurs.

#suicide cw #funeral cw #undrowns #a tender impulse ( answered. ) #tbt ( ft. calum & jet ) #( verse: can't help loving others. ) #and then a few weeks later there was sex...and bad decisions made #u have no idea how tempted i was to make their tag saddy daddies....sjdfklsdjf #it's either chaos or pain with winter and i love it #need to let the world also know that i screamed when winter sent in this ask :'D