#telling the sometimes hard story of being out iand gay in the 1990's

[remembertheplunge]

Write the Story. Write what happened.

1/20/23

I feel down and overwhelmed. I think the work is depressing. Surrounded by darkness and its impacts. So, I hit the gym on the way home. 30 minute treadmill. 3 gorgeous young guys there.

Reading the ’95 journal in court. Amazing how reading it there can have an impact on the present. And, I’m living at two times at once. 1995 and 2023.

1/21/23 Saturday 8:33pm

Sweet day. I felt peaceful during the gym workout. And drive to San Fransisco

Lots of people on the road. I think they’ve been scared to travel because of the storms. So, today, they let loose.

Hit intense entries in the ’95 journal. Read them at Poise’s Cafe and at Harvey’s Restaurant. 4/13 and 14, 1995 and 4/13/1996 margin notes about office and court house gay bashing. A poster posted on my cubicle door contained my face on a woman’s body. Some one had written on it “This could be you.” I was angry as I read the ’95 entry. Then I remembered that I’m a writer telling a story. My personal emotions now didn’t matter. Write the story. Write what happened . So, I did.

The friendly gay  Harvey’s waiter who I had discussed the ’95 entries with said “It’s (gay) history.

I skipped the open water swim in Aquatic Park. I overslept and was late getting to San Fransisco this morning. I wanted too write in the Castro before my 3pm massage near Union Square.

The spring of ’95 was a horrendously cruel time. 3 strikes and office abuse. I’d forgotten what happened then. I told my massage therapist that my subconscious has decided that it’s ok for me to know now. I can see why I am so distant and silent now.

End of entries.

Note:

In the spring of 1995 I was a deputy public defender in Modesto, California. I was doing 3 strikes life representation case and was the subject of a hostile work environment , gay related, at times. It's now time to write and to post the story. So, that's what I do. It's just hard to relive through the telling. It's also illuminating.

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