#thank god i have a counsellor to talk to now lolz

[detransraichu]

i finally deleted most of the selfies i had taken w my ex. i thought i was over it, i didn't expect to feel so crushed </3 rant ic

like damn. i put my all into that relationship, and turns out they were never into me to begin with. it feels so fucking humiliating bc i was being so loveydovey and looking back they were so distant, but if i asked they just reassured me that it was just their autism or DID. it's like the past 5 years were just lies, at least lies they told themself, like they tried so hard to be into female-passing people, but they only wanna date ppl who wanna pass as male, and that's never gonna be me. now they're all over someone else and showing a brand new side i never saw of them in all those years. i was trying soooo hard to make it work, i kept blaming myself and trying over and over again to romance them the Right Way, to not be too clingy, to not expect too much, to do exactly what they liked, to not expect any reciprocation bc it was just their disorders. i kinda feel gaslit ngl bc they said they wanted to break up for years but thought i wouldn't survive without them bc i was a broke disabled woman. and i get it. but who the fuck wants to date someone, kiss someone, fuck someone (the rare times it happened lol), do so much romantic shit to try to get their lover's heart to race but turns out i was in a fake ass relationship w someone who wasn't even into women. and the worst thing is, i knew that. i knew. they said so at the beginning, when i identified as transmasc. they thought i would transition but i never did. but even back then they said they only made a move on me bc they knew i had a crush on them, they didn't actually have a crush on me. i wasn't gonna make a fucking move on them but THEY STARTED IT. yeah i made dirty jokes while drunk and got cuddly and blushed sometimes, but i always was like "lmk if that makes you uncomfy!" and they always brushed it off. i get that they're a huge doormat and have trauma w saying no to people and were super inexperienced etc but i feel so crushed and betrayed. like that was my FIRST real relationship, they were my first everything. all fake

and now to see them show all the normal loveydovey behaviors i always begged for after one date with a trans guy... ouch. i don't even want them, i would only be 100% fulfilled being w someone who identifies as a woman and my attraction had waned when they transitioned. but the year before the breakup they had been more fem and i identified as a lesbian in the "only into non-men" kinda way and they seemed okay w it and they were more affectionate and i just got my hopes up, like our 5 year anniversary was at the most romantic hotel ever (even tho they didn't even cuddle me or say anything romantic to me or uhhhh do anything to show they loved me other than getting me gifts i had put in my amazon wishlist) and i really got my hopes up. when i was high the night of the breakup i had asked "do you ever think you're not into me, or aroace or something?" i expected to hear no and be reassured but they told me i wasn't ready for that conversation and it broke me!!! and then all those years were for nothing, i could've been in a loving relationship w someone else all this time, we could've just stayed roommates, but nope. nah. it was all faked on their end. all my efforts for nothing </3

#lay text #so many romantic poems i wrote. thoughtful gifts. endless affectionate comments. tenderness. i gave them so much #and they were distant and blamed it on autism. holy shit #i have so many trust issues now #thank god i have a counsellor to talk to now lolz