#that shit makes me feel like...idk real painless excitement

[july-19th-club]

like somewhere in me the wires between 'excitement' and 'dread' got mixed up and now they feel exactly the same and i cant enjoy stuff without taking a dozen steps to reassure myself that something bad is NOT happening and it's all fine we're just going to the movie theater to have a popped corn and see a big screen. it's ridiculous. it's outrageous. it's unconscionable

#i react to perfectly normal and fun activities with the same psychological framework of a gazelle being stalked by a cheetah #and then i wonder why most of the activities i choose to do are boring and predictable and repetitive #one exception is a new hike ive never been on. i never get anxious about going to a new location alone and hiking it #that shit makes me feel like...idk real painless excitement #i guess #i feel pleasantly eager for what's to come and my heart swells with gladness/enjoyment/contentment #this is not the case with most things i enjoy doing #with most things i enjoy doing i have to fight seventeen video game obstacle courses of trepidation before im allowed to have fun #and then the first hour of the fun is also me having palpitations. and fun. at the same time #like who fuckin DESIGNED this thing #q