#that's fine but god help them if he's baking anything cuz he's gonna chase them out with a knife as is his right

[izzy-b-hands]

Izzy's birthday! A grenade! Roach would absolutely win GBBO. Ed and Stede, bless their hearts, would not. And a raid!

TW for eyeballs used in a culinary manner. I don't know how else to warn for it except to type it out so. Yeah.

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"What the fuck are you doing?" Izzy asked, soup spoon paused halfway to his mouth.

"Ed said it's your birthday," Buttons said. "We do presents, party, cake, whole shebang here."

"Is this a grenade?"

Buttons nodded. "My arm isn't what it used to be for tossing them, but if anyone would have fun with it, I figured it'd be you."

Izzy pondered the grenade by his bowl of soup. "This...is lovely, actually. Thank you, Buttons. Next ship we raid will be easy going with this."

Buttons grinned and clapped him on the shoulder before heading out of the dining area.

After a quick check to make sure said grenade wasn't potentially about to go off (he figured Buttons would be one to know the difference, but even so, better to be safe), he returned to his soup. If this was all they'd planned for his birthday, it would be perfect. New weapon, a meal without any interruptions that required his help, perfection. Now if he could get a night of sleep without being dragged out for some trouble, then it would really be above and beyond.

Jim wandered in and peered into the soup pot. "Mind company?"

"If it was most others, I'd say yes," Izzy replied. "But I trust you more to sit and eat and-"

"Not be all weird about your birthday?"

Izzy sighed and closed his eyes. "He told everyone?"

"Dude, he's trying to figure out how to help make the cake. Like, he won't let Roach start it unless he can help."

Izzy opened his eyes. "Well. That's sweet, I suppose."

"I told them to put coffee in. You basically live on it, and if we could get some chocolate or something with it?"Jim smiled. "We'd have a decent cake."

"What do we actually have for it, aside from coffee?"

Jim shrugged. "They started throwing flour at each other so I dipped."

"Understandable, I'd have done the same."

Jim settled across the long table with a bowl and poked at the soup. "Um. Do you know what's in this?"

"I do not, and I wouldn't look too closely. I've been spitting out anything that crunches or squishes too much."

Jim frowned. "We have hardtack, right?"

"By someone's mercy, we do," Izzy smiled, and shoved a bowl of it over to them.

"I'm still gonna try it," Jim said with a deep breath. "And I respect that Roach uses whatever he can find. That's resourceful, and I'm sure I've unknowingly eaten worse-"

Izzy lifted a small eyeball out of his bowl, and they both retched.

"Or, we could have hardtack instead," Jim said. "Bread is always good."

They pushed their bowls away and moved the hardtack one between them as Olu stumbled in, covered in flour.

"You went in the galley," Jim giggled. "How is that going?"

"Stede, Roach, and Ed are arguing how to bake the cake," Olu sighed as he sat beside Jim and snagged a piece of hardtack. "Only one of them actually knows how to. But that isn't stopping Ed and Stede from insisting on their suggestions."

Izzy dropped his head into his arm resting on the table, shaking with nearly silent laughter.

"You good?" Jim asked with a laugh.

"This is the first time he's ever done anything for my birthday," Izzy laughed. "And what a fucking mess. I should go rein him in before Roach stabs him."

"If you do, I'd put on something white," Olu said. "Because this flour was from a bowl that has something else in it, and I don't think it'll come out easy."

Izzy considered it. "They've probably got it."

Olu nodded. "Smart man. Let them handle it, whatever it turns out to be."

They sat for a moment in silence, nibbling away at hardtack that had been sitting long enough to really live up to the name.

"So," Jim broke the silence. "Like I said before, we, that is the two of us, didn't want to be weird about your birthday. But we did get you something."

"I'll let you go get it so I don't get flour on it," Olu said as Jim stood and did a soft jog out. "What the fuck was in that bowl?"

Izzy leaned over, and at Olu's nod, sniffed him. "Some sort of fat or oil. Which they need for a cake, though I question exactly what else might be mixed with it now."

Olu nodded. "However it tastes-"

"Nod and smile," Izzy finished for him. "I never broke Ed's heart over his previous cooking attempts; I won't start now. Baking has never been his thing, but meat? He's wonderful with that. Even made rat taste good."

Olu shook his head. "Rat?"

"Rat. The tail was the only bit I couldn't handle. Texture isn't for me."

Olu looked over to the soup pot in fear.

"I don't think there's rat in that," Izzy said. "Did find an eyeball in my serving though, so I'd stick to the hardtack."

"What kind of eye?"

"No fucking clue," Izzy said.

Jim jogged back in, and handed over a shirt. "It isn't much. But we saw you sewing up your current one and the material not really holding the stitches, so we thought maybe a back up would be cool."

Izzy nodded, and picked up the shirt. Black, soft, with laces at the V of the neckline. "Is this brand new?"

They nodded.

"I haven't had anything new in years," Izzy said. "Thank you."

Olu nodded. "Long overdue then. Just don't wear it today if you have to go into the galley. My clothes are gonna smell like this for awhile now!"

Izzy chuckled. "No we'll-"

There was a small boom, and they rushed out to the deck, Izzy with grenade and shirt in hand.

"Out! Out of my fucking kitchen!" Roach shouted, pushing Ed and Stede out physically with each hand. "You stay out, or I'll bake part of you both in the cake!"

He turned to see the three of them, and nodded to Izzy. "Happy birthday. I'm going to fix your cake and make it edible again."

"Well," Stede huffed. "We were only helping."

"To be fair, I'm not much good at baking," Ed admitted. "My thing is meat and barbecue. Not cakes."

"Kind of you to try though," Izzy said.

"Presents?" Ed motioned towards his hands.

"Yeah," Izzy smiled, a little nervously. "Buttons, and these two."

Jim waved. "Did you guys set something on fire?"

"I...I don't know exactly what went wrong, actually," Ed said.

"The stove may have been a little on fire," Stede said.

"But you were still just mixing the cake mix," Olu frowned. "How did you..."

Ed shrugged. "Baking is a mystery."

"I don't think it's supposed to be that much of a mystery," Olu said.

Just then, another boom, louder this time.

"Oh!" Stede called out. "That wasn't us! We're being shot at! Oh, thank goodness, I was worried we'd really fucked the stove up-"

"Could you hold this for me?" Izzy asked Jim, handing over his new shirt. "Won't be but a moment or two."

He stood at the far rail, watching the ship get closer, grenade in one hand. As soon as it was in reach, he pulled the pin, and threw it hard.

It exploded upon contact with the attacking ship's deck, and there was a delightful ruckus of 'What the fuck?!' shouts that could be heard from the crew there.

"That was so satisfying," Izzy sighed happily as he returned to them, taking his new shirt from Jim. "Thank you again, Buttons!"

Buttons was at one of the cannons, grinning. "Gorgeously done! I think they're fucking off too!"

"Should we go after them?" Olu asked. "Who are they anyway?"

"Some dickfucks who chose the wrong ship to attack," Ed replied. "I say we follow them. However, Izzy, since it's your birthday-"

"I'd like to get some more eyeballs for Roach's next soup," Izzy interrupted. "Let's make them regret those warning shots."

A cheer went up, and Izzy started to move past Ed and Stede to put away his new shirt somewhere safer.

Stede put a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry...the soup has what in it?"

"Yeah," Izzy nodded. "It does. I don't know what kind, and I'm not going to ask him either. But he likes any ingredients, so I figure human eyes might work too. If nothing else, we save them for Buttons' birthday."

Stede swallowed hard. "That's a good idea. Do wish I'd known about the eyeballs before eating a few bowls of it earlier."

"The cake should hopefully take that taste out of your mouth," Izzy said. "I'm relying on it to do that for me."

Stede smiled. "Yes, I think it will. I know for sure there's coffee in it, and I know it's probably more fuss than you wanted with the cake and all of this, but the rest of the crew does have some presents, and-"

"I think I'm okay with this fuss," Izzy interrupted him. "It's been...nice. Little weird, but nice."

Stede wrapped him in a hug. "That's the best thing I've heard all day."

"No, the best thing you'll hear all day is those idiots in the other ship surrendering to us," Izzy said. "Will be a lovely gift for myself too. We've been too long without some excitement."

Stede nodded, watching as the opposing crew started to scream as they approached. "We really have been. Oh! Before I forget, let me run and get the new dagger we got for your birthday. This is the perfect opportunity to try it out!"

Izzy watched Stede dash off for his and Ed's quarters, and then looked to the opposing ship.

They looked horrified, as everyone sans Roach (still baking away, and apparently refusing to be interrupted) joined him on deck, weapons in hand.

He hid his new shirt in an empty wooden box on the deck, then waved cheerfully to the panicking crew, now well within sight and boarding distance.

Ed pulled out the long, narrow board and shoved it over to the other ship, and Izzy couldn't help but smile.

This might well be his best birthday yet.

#text post #ofmd fic #shout out to Roach for being so into the cake fixing that he's willing to work with cannon fire and shit akdnfkgn #he's fucking determined and takes pride in his craft and maybe he's gonna ban Ed and Stede from the galley #unless they wanna help cook some meat #that's fine but god help them if he's baking anything cuz he's gonna chase them out with a knife as is his right #i was gonna write the aftermath of the raid and stuff but then i was worried this would get too long #so here we are lol