So I may or may not have gotten a little bit carried away trying to justify my Dorothy is queer headcanon, wrote a little thing, and figured I might as well post it:
Summary:
A little introspective character piece; an exploration of Dorothy's sexuality from her point of view.
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Their home is a perfect representation of Dorothy’s one-in-four theory: one woman who doesn’t have a type, for every three who do.
Dorothy supposes it’s normal, then, that she’s never looked at a man and felt instantly attracted to him before. She’s simply the one in four who doesn't have a type, who needs more time to get to know a man, needs to know if he even wants her in the first place before she knows if she’s attracted to him.
She’s carefully stored away the memory of how, as a little girl, before she’d learned how the world worked and what her place in it was, she did have a type. How she'd dreamed of having a wife.
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They were supposed to go together. That’s how it was supposed to go. All poetic and shit, like Riley said. They were supposed to go together. Holding each other and going mad. They were supposed to go together.
She definitely should have noticed before she did. She clings to Riley, tears streaming down her face. She wants to get back up, smash more glass. Scream and curse and have a meltdown. She doesn’t, just holds onto Riley and hopes she turns first. Doesn’t think she could stand seeing Riley like that. Yeah, better for Ellie to go first.
Riley kisses her again, soft and gentle. Holds Ellie’s face in her hands and presses their lips together. Their tears mix, and the feeling has Ellie sobbing. Riley shushes her, pressing pecks all over her face until she’s giggling again. It makes Riley smile, her giggling, so she does it more. Just to see the way Riley’s eyes light up. Ellie does it back, too, obnoxiously pressing her lips to Riley’s cheek, over and over. It makes Riley laugh, and for a moment, Ellie can pretend this isn’t happening. That they aren’t waiting. It gives Ellie a glimpse into a future they could have had, and the weight settles around her heart like a vice.
They talk about nothing and everything at the same time. Riley asks with a chuckle how long Ellie has wanted to kiss her. Ellie answers simply, too long. She’s wanted it for too long. Me too, Riley says, and rage fills Ellie again at her words. How much time had they wasted? How long could they have been together if only they’d known? Been less afraid. Riley leans her head on Ellie's shoulder, and the anger drains from her as quick as it came. No point in dwelling on it now. What’s done is done.
She should have noticed it earlier. How Riley seemed to be getting worse and worse, but she wasn’t. She didn’t feel any different at all. The bite itched a bit but didn’t seem to be getting worse. Didn’t seem to be spreading. Not like Riley’s. Her whole forearm is a web of raised veins. Proof of the infection working its way to her brain. Traveling through her blood to take over. Turn Riley into something else, into one of those things.
Riley stops talking after a while, lapsing into silence. That’s when Ellie finally notices. That she isn’t getting any worse. The Cordyceps isn’t spreading up her arm, migrating to her brain. Her bite doesn’t look like Riley’s, just looks like a bite mark. Innocent enough, if you ignore the mildly raised welts branching off it. Innocent if you don’t know what caused it. It’s up to Riley’s face now, turning her skin into a map of raised veins.
She thinks Riley is gone, unaware of the world. That the fungus has taken over her mind. She’s proven wrong when Riley presses the gun into her hand. Ellie tries to refuse it, pushing it away. She didn’t like option one any more than Riley had. It’s ironic, she thinks; she was so desperate to hold that same gun earlier. Now she wants nothing to do with it. Riley is insistent, though, grabbing her hand and wrapping her fingers around the cold metal.
“Don’t let me hurt you,” Riley whispers, and Ellie can see the effort that simple sentence requires.
Ellie takes the gun, ignoring the pit she can feel forming in her stomach. Something is wrong; she can feel it. Why isn’t she getting worse? They were supposed to go together, lose their minds together. So why isn’t Ellie getting sick? Why does she have to watch this? Riley grins, faint as it is, when she takes the gun from her. Ellie flips the safety off but doesn’t do anything else. She looks at Riley and ignores the evidence of the infection. Tries to remember her the way she was earlier, dancing and laughing and smiling. Kissing her.
Even with the gun, she can’t bring herself to use it. Just lets it sit there, on the floor next to her leg. Riley’s hand is shaking, has been for who knows how long. It’ll be soon. Ellie knows that a shaking hand is a bad sign. Ellie’s hands are steady, and she hates it. She still refuses to pick up the gun, silently pleading with anyone who may be listening for this to end differently than she thinks it will.
“Do what you have to,” Riley tells her, every syllable a herculean effort.
Ellie shakes her head, tears springing fresh to her eyes. Riley turns towards her then, hand coming up to cup her face. She nuzzles into the touch, a single tear sliding down her face. She should be scared, she thinks, being this close to an infected. But this isn’t an infected; it’s Riley. It’s the one person on the planet she actually gives a shit about. The one person she can say she loves. She loves her. She can’t do it. Riley drops her hand, reaches past her, picks up the gun, places it in her hand, curls Ellie's fingers around it. The noise Ellie lets out doesn’t sound human, doesn’t sound like her. It sounds scared. She whips her head back and forth; she won’t do it. She won’t.
She does.
Hours later, she’s pulled from sleep, she doesn’t remember falling asleep, but she must have, by the sound of growling. Riley, fully infected and snarling at her. She doesn't run, just backs away slowly, afraid that running will trigger Riley to attack her. She tries to plead instead, tries to get through to her. To the part of Riley that cares. It doesn’t work. Because, of course, it doesn’t. This isn’t Riley anymore. Isn’t her first love anymore. Riley is gone. So, she does it. She shoots Riley in the head. Sees her on the floor and scrambles away, vomiting up her meager stomach contents, sobbing the whole time.
Crawls back over to Riley, lying down beside her and wrapping her in her arms. Ignores the hole in her forehead, ignores the blood trailing down her face. Presses a kiss to her hair. Tells her she loves her, even though it's too late. Holds Riley close and wails grief into the empty mall. Cries for the future they never got to have. Weeps at the unfairness, at the injustice. How unfair is it, that she got Riley and lost her in the same day? The thought causes a new wave of crying, hands tangled in the fabric of Riley’s coat. Pulls her closer and closer, even as her body begins to cool.
It’s how Marlene and her people find her. They come to retrieve Riley and those fucking pipe bombs. Instead, they find Ellie, choking on her own breath, the smell of blood heavy in the air. She snarls like a feral animal when they try to separate her from Riley; teeth bared and not afraid to bite. It takes some convincing, and a promise that Riley will be buried for her to let go. Marlene orders her men not to kill her, for some reason. Ellie tries not to feel disappointed by that. Feels numb as Marlene and her people march her from the mall. Doesn't care where they are taking her.
They were supposed to go together. That’s how it was supposed to go. All poetic and shit, like Riley said. They were supposed to go together. Holding each other and going mad. They were supposed to go together.
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The Girl, The Saint, The Martyr:
It is morning, and the earth is dewy and green yet.
The city wakes up, men and women both fighting for just one more day.
Hands clasped, so they pray.
But for her, the final day has come, and there is no time for regret.
She thinks of home, her great distant dream.
She remembers the feel of the grass against her skin.
If she listens closely, she can still hear the sound of her mother singing from within.
There will be none of that anymore. Not for her, no matter how loud she may scream.
Against the post, still she breathes.
The angels had whispered in her ear with voices like music and told her she was bound to burn.
And so home she left, never to return.
The match is lit. Nothing can save her now—no matter how much she begs or seethes.
Joan, Joan, Joan, someone says—an angel? The distant future?
They will paint portraits of her and hang them for all to see.
She will become a saint, a beacon of martyred divinity.
But now, she is yet just a girl. And as the flames lick her heels, she regrets her ears that ever picked up the whisperings of angels.
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