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wonderfulworldofmichaelford · 6 years

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Michael After Midnight: Clash of the Titans

For my birthday, which was the 6th of October, I wanted to review something secial, something important, a film that really influenced me growing up and had a profound impact on my life. I did that last year, when I reviewed The Room after all, so why not make it a tradition? Well, I decided the film to review should be a film that is not only the most important film I ever saw, but one of the most important films of all time. This film is what got me interested in classical mythology, and from there cryptozoology and the paranormal, and it is the film that popularized wildly inaccurate depictions of krakens that have appeared in everything from Magic: The Gathering to The Fairly OddParents as well as Medusa. In fact, Medusa was not a popular subject in pop culture until this film came out, to the point where the Hammer horror film titled The Gorgon used the name of one of the Furies for the titular Gorgon’s name. This is the film that put Medusa on the map!

That film is, as the tile says, Clash of the Titans, a Greek fantasy swords-and-sandal film from 1981. It is cheesy, goofy, and an absolute masterpiece.

As a small child, I remember watching it, and upon seeing the Medusa scene was utterly scared shitless. I would watch the movie again and again over the years, eventually overcoming my fear by watching that scene on Halloween. And despite how profoundly, terrifyingly impactful that scene was on me as a child, the late, great master of stop-motion Ray Harryhausen thought this was some of his weakest work. This, in which he made the lights of flickering torches realistically dance upon the face of a creature that wasn’t even there? In which he singlehandedly made an old myth mainstream with his animation? I just boggles my mind.

Anyway, the story is one most are familiar with: the tale of the Greek hero Perseus, and his quest to slay the gorgon Medusa. There are a few tweaks to the myth, such as Pegasus existing prior to the slaying of Medusa, the expy of Caliban from The Tempest who acts as an antagonist, the clockwork owl Bubo, and the fact that, rather than Cetus, Andromeda is to be sacrificed to the Kraken. You know, like from Scandinavian legend. Except not really, because rather than looking like a squid it resembles a giant four-armed fish man – a look that, a s mentioned before, has somewhat permeated pop culture to an amusing degree.

This is a movie with Harryhausen animation, so of course the monsters are the biggest draw. I really cannot say enough good about Medusa; her entire scene is just perfect. It’s so strange to think that the scene is only a small portion of the movie, maybe five or six minutes long, but it is just so intense and exciting and terrifying. And obviously we have the scene to thank for every bit of Medusa to follow in pop culture, something I don’t think I can emphasize enough. Almost as impressive is the Kraken, which despite being horrendously methodologically inaccurate is still an amazing piece of work. Interestingly, these two are supposed to be the titans that are having the titular clash… something that is wildly incorrect, but I suppose adds onto the film’s charm.

However, not all things stop-motion elated are perfect; some of the stuff is seriously poorly composited, especially during the fight against the two-headed dog and the fight against the scorpions, which also features a really poorly composited Calibos. Calibos is frequently shown in stop-motion despite there also being an actor in makeup for him, which begs the question of why they didn’t just let him be Calibos full time instead of going for (admittedly cool) Harryhausen animation? It just seems rather wasteful.

Calibos is one of the more contentious elements added to the story, alongside Bubo, but neither character ever bothered me much, and I feel this version of the story would be a bit lacking without them, though Calibos moreso feels like a tacked on piece of plot at times, especially his eventual death, which is given practically no weight or fanfare despite him actively working to stop Perseus. I feel he perhaps needed more presence to truly live up to the threat he was supposed to be, but if time with him would have chewed up Medusa’s screentime, I’m glad for him as he is. Bubo I feel is rather overhated; he’s clearly ripping off R2-D2, but he does a lot of genuinely helpful and heroic actions and just in general isn’t nearly as annoying a helper as, say, Rose in The Last Jedi or the chicken from Moana.

The rest of the characters not needing special effects play their parts well. Special mention goes to the Greek gods, played by British thespians such as Laurence Olivier (who here plays one of the most egotistical and self-absorbed versions of Zeus you will ever see, but also one of the most likable in a way; you can’t really blame him for wanting to go out of his way to help his son) and Maggie Smith – AKA Professor McGonagall – as the antagonistic Thetis, mother of Calibos. Then you have Burgess Meredith as the undeniably hammy Ammon, and he’s just a blast, and Harry Hamlin providing the generic yet entertaining hunkiness as our hero Perseus. All around, it’s exactly what you’d want from a film like this.

I can’t deny that this film is pretty cheesy, and some of the effects are really dated – the bluescreens are uniformly terrible, and I’ve already mentioned some other issues with scenes involving stop-motion creatures – but, quite frankly, all of it only compounds to the films charm. There’s seriously no denying that cheese or no this movie helped to shape the views of mythology many of us have today. Did you know in the original myths Medusa was killed in her sleep? Probably not, because here she puts up one hell of a fight - a trend that would continue in works such as Castlevania, Kid Icarus, and the Percy Jackson series, which all depicted her as a terrifying formidable foe. And Zeus may have never said “RELEASE THE KRAKEN!” in the myths but by Jove will you wish he did.

I think it’s easy to guess that I view this film as a masterpiece, and a must-see. If you are interested in Greek mythology whatsoever, this is a film for you, and hey – the inaccuracies, it’s all just part of the retelling. Do you know how many different versions of all the Greek myths there are? Medusa has been everything from a rape victim to a willing lover of Poseidon to a monster by birth with two equally monstrous sisters; in some versions of Perseus’s story he turns Atlas into stone on his way to save Andromeda; and don’t get me started on all the variations of the tales of Persephone or Hercules or Odysseus. In these old myths, the basic premise is always the same but the different storytellers add their own flourishes to entertain, and really, this movie is no different. It’s fun, epic, and cheesy all at once and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Most of all though, this was the best way for Harryhausen to end his film career. Whether or not he truly viewed this as his weakest work, the fact remains the man was able to make consistent flickering fire effects on a stop-motion monster, a feat that continues to wow artists to this day. The man was a master, and to do something like that means he retired at the top of his game.

Thank you so much for your work on this, Harryhausen. Whatever it is you truly thought of this film, you sure managed to terrify and fill with wonder a little boy twenty or so years ago to the point he became eternally fascinated with myths and legends.

#Michael After Midnight #Review #Movie review #Clash of the Titans #Mythology #Greek mythology #Perseus #Medusa #Kraken #classical mythology #Ray Harryhausen

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sohotthateveryonedied · 6 years

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My Review of Joss Whedon’s Terrible Wonder Woman Script

I’ve seen a lot of posts about how bad Joss Whedon’s original script for Wonder Woman was, and I just had to read it for myself. And...boy was that a bad idea. This thing was atrcocious. I’m pretty sure my eyes are still bleeding. So please, because I can’t seem to suppress my rage at this, enjoy a super long post about how incredibly Bad this screenplay was.

Warning: I’m gonna be cursing a lot because this was one of the worst things I’ve ever had the displeasure of reading in my life. Enjoy!

Let me begin by saying that this entire screenplay is basically about Steve Trevor and what a burden it is on him to have to save the world and deal with Diana the whole time. What a fucking tragedy. If I wanted to watch a misogynistic movie about a man being weighed down by unfairly-written women, I’d watch literally any other movie in Hollywood.

Not to mention that it doesn’t even include anything about Diana’s backstory? Like, at all? It basically begins with Steve’s plane crash because apparently he’s the most important character in this movie despite it being called Wonder Woman. My deduction is that Joss has no idea who Wonder Woman is and didn’t want to read the comics because he was afraid of what reading something about a woman hero would do to his masculinity, so he decided to just wing it and ignore her backstory completely.

Also wow, it’s plain within the first few lines of dialogue that Steve is reduced to nothing but a sarcastically jerkface, such is the tragedy of all characters who have the misfortune of being written by Joss Whedon. Makes me wonder if maybe, just maybe, misogynistic assholes shouldn’t write movies because their characters will end up like them? Just a thought?

Okay one: WHY IS STEVE TRYING TO MAKE HER FEEL GUILTY FOR DOING LITERALLY NOTHING WRONG?? Gee, sorry if her curiosity about the world is such an inconvenience to you, what a terrible offense. I had no idea insults were the newest form of flattery. I should have known that women actually enjoy being insulted, because of course Joss Whedon knows more about what women like than I, an actual woman, would. How silly of me.

“‘‘Let’s keep in touch’ is American for get the hell out of my face.’” WHAT?? THE FUCK??? WHY IS HE BEING SUCH A JERK??? She saved your goddamn life and you repay her by rudely shoving her out because she’s such an annoyance despite your unfortunate situation of being executed tomorrow. Cry me a freaking river. He is in no position to be anything less than grateful that she saved his sorry life in the first place.

Not only is he insulting her mother, he’s also using “Princess” as an insult, which is such a douchey thing to do?? And the fact that despite his knowledge that she is clearly an incredible fighter and stronger than he’ll ever be, he still thinks she’s not strong enough to take on the real world. Who is this man because this is NOT Steve Trevor this is some monster and from now on his name is Stupid Terrible and I don’t know him. If Joss wanted to make a movie about an asshole saving the world with his sidekick girlfriend, then go make that garbage heap on your own. Don’t sacrifice our Wonder Woman movie to do it.

Oh yes, that’s right, Joss, have someone call Diana a whore. Because that’s obviously what feminists love to see in movies. *Looks into office camera*

It’s funny that despite not being a woman, Joss Whedon seems to think he knows how we want to see ourselves depicted in movies. Newsflash, Joss! You’re not doing it right.

I CAN’T.

I NEVER THOUGHT I’D EVER IN MY LIFE HAVE TO READ ABOUT DIANA BEING TOLD TO SHUT UP BY STEVE TREVOR AND GETING SHOT ON THE SAME PAGE.

WHAT, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, THE FUCK.

WHAT RIGHT DOES STUPID TERRIBLE HAVE TO TELL HER TO SHUT UP? THE REAL STEVE TREVOR WOULD NEVER THINK OF DOING THAT BECAUSE HE IS AN ACTUAL GENTLEMAN AND NOT SOME ASSHOLE WHO WANTS DIANA TO SIT DOWN AND BE QUIET BECAUSE SHE’S IN THE WAY OF HIS FRAGILE MASCULINITY.

STEVE AND DIANA’S RELATIONSHIP IS ONE OF MUTUAL LOVE AND RESPECT, AND JOSS IS AN IDIOT FOR EVER SUGGESTING OTHERWISE.

“An outfit skimpier than Diana’s.”

Do I really need to comment on this one?

And what a surprise, Diana is being called a bitch. Someone should play a drinking game with this where every time someone calls Diana a disrespectful name everyone takes a shot. Guarantee they’d all be blackout drunk by the end of the movie, since words that degrade women are the only ones in Whedon’s vocabulary.

Yeah that’s right, tell Diana what she can and can’t handle, that’s a good idea.

Also.

WHAT

THE

FUCK

!!!!!!!

Why is she literally naked for the entire next scene so Stupid Terrible can patch her up even though the real Diana collapsed a building by smashing into it and was completely fine and even had a cute dance with Steve right after? Diana would never be debilitated by something like that, but I guess according to Joss Whedon’s image, Diana is a weak damsel in distress who is in over her head and needs a strong male to help her overcome her fragile feminine obstacles and fix her when she’s broken. And I’ll bet you all the five dollars and forty cents in my wallet that had this horrific script actually made it on camera, there would no doubt be tons of side boob shots because, as everyone knows, movies exist only so men can see half-naked women. 😒

Just this whole page is so gross I physically cringed when I read it and screamed into my pillow.

Oh look everybody, it’s time for the moment we’ve all been waiting for: The time in the movie when the Man must tell the woman what he thinks she is because of course he knows her better than she knows herself despite only knowing her for a few days.

And don’t forget to feel bad for the poor Male because sadly, his attraction to her is such a burden to him and she should stop being so distracting because it’ll get in the way of his manliness.

And oh, what’s that I hear? The sound of Stupid Terrible hilariously admitting he is secretly hoping for her to flash him? Oh, well of course that’s just comic relief, obviously not contributing at all to rape culture or how men believe it is their right to see women as sex objects and sex objects only.

No problem, just laugh and agree that it’s the funniest thing in the whole world that his priority is seeing Diana naked, rather than be disgusted by the fact that Joss Whedon literally typed this page out and decided it was good enough to include in this god awful script.

Please note the fact that Diana and Stupid Terrible being rejected from the club contributes nothing to the plot whatsoever. Joss just got it in his head that the best idea was to add in a situation with the bouncer just so he could remind the audience that Diana is “fine” and it’s the only way she will ever be allowed anything.

What an inspiring message to little girls who came to see a movie where someone like them could be a hero. Sorry kids, apparently, according to the wise Joss Whedon, women can only get what they want if they are attractive enough to earn it. Thanks, Joss, go burn in hell you pig 😊

(Also, Diana being called a bitch yet again, but what else is new.)

Not only is Diana being called a bitch for I don’t even know what number time, but this guy is taunting her by calling her scared and crazy and sad. So far, nothing in this entire garbage heap of a script has included anything that depicts Wonder Woman as wonderful.

They may as well rename the movie Pathetic Woman or, if you want some better alliteration, Weak Woman, with the way this is going.

This scene.

May this scene please burn in the depths of Tartarus for eternity.

What, pray tell, is the fUCKING POINT OF THIS? WE HAVE DIANA SEXY DANCING HERE FOR WHAT EXACTLY? SO JOSS GETS THE CHANCE TO DESCRIBE ALL THE CAPTIVATING WONDERS OF A WOMAN’S BODY BECAUSE HE KNOWS HE’LL NEVER ACTUALLY GET TO SEE ONE UP CLOSE SINCE HE IS SUCH TRASH THAT NO SELF RESPECTING WOMAN WOULD WANT HIM??

Please,, someone,,, just pick up a sniper and take me out right now. I can’t read another line or I’m afraid my eyes will melt.

Though you know what, on second thought maybe I shouldn’t get my brains blown out because judging by this script, Joss would probably just find it sexy and include it in his next movie.

Here’s a delightful example of Stupid Terrible making the misguided assumption that blaming Diana for everything that goes wrong and telling her she does nothing but create chaos is a good idea.

Here’s the deal, people. Telling someone they’re a failure and everything is their fault? Yup, not as good an idea as you may think it is.

Now, dear reader, you maybe be asking yourself right about now, Why isn’t it clear to other people that what he’s saying is awful and he should stop being an asshole and respect Diana’s ability to make her own decisions?

Excellent question!

You see, my friends, that’s the thing about Whedon Science. You notice how he slipped in that Wise™ and Insightful™ elephant and mouse analogy in the middle of his (probably menstruation-caused) pissy rant? The logic of Whedon Science clearly states that by throwing in an intelligent analogy that somewhat applies to the situation, it reverses his argument completely and shows that clearly his rant is meant to be an inspiring pep talk to push Diana to be the best she can be, rather than a gross speech intended to tear down her confidence. Isn’t science fun, kids?

And oh, the dreaded feelings. Here we’ve got Stupid being the Cool and Mysterious character by treating his feelings like a dreaded disease that will kill him on contact.

Though you know what’ll kill him faster? Me when I murder Stupid Terrible with a bulldozer for telling Diana she doesn’t know what it means to be human and she doesn’t belong in the real world.

I can’t even with this part. What kind of human being writes something like this?

Here we have the great and powerful Male Character ranting angrily because right now his feelings are so passionate and important that they must be yelled into Diana’s face, threateningly enough to scare her.

Now I don’t know what this reminds you of, but to me it sounds a lot like what one would picture domestic abuse as. It seems that Joss apparently thinks it’s okay for men to show women who’s the boss by intimidating them into submission. That’s emotional abuse right there, and I will tell you right now that MY Steve Trevor would never even think of doing this to Diana. Ever.

He wouldn’t yell in her face to inform her on what she isn’t capable of. He wouldn’t make her feel like trash and like she should just go back to Themyscira so she can’t mess anything else up. And he definitely, without a doubt, would never ever call her a Fucking. Tourist.

What’s an action movie without a female protagonist being groped by some disgusting perve.

And can I just say that it’s bad enough Joss spent the whole screenplay making Diana seem like nothing but a sexy prop. But now he has the audacity to compare her to a “plague dog” and make aforementioned perve toss her away for fear of catching disease?? This isn’t what we wanted when we demanded you stop treating female characters like they exist only to be desirable, Joss. Nowhere close.

*cups hands around mouth* PRINCESS DIANA AND THE REST OF THE AMAZONS CAN SPEAK HUNDREDS OF LANGUAGES YOU IGNORANT SWINE

*sigh* I don’t even have the energy for the his one. Fuck you, Joss Whedon 🖕

Why???

This entire screenplay was filled with Diana doing incredible feats that Stupid Terrible didn’t believe she could do, but she proved him wrong anyway. So of course when she tells him she can fly, his immediate thought is “Of course you can’t fly, that would be crazy.” Here’s an idea. Maybe...don’t have male characters constantly tell women what they are and aren’t capable of?

So yes, this script is garbage. Every time I watch the real Wonder Woman movie, I thank my lucky stars that Patty Jenkins exists and took over this project and made it amazing.

Though I have to say, the fact that Whedon is still planned to direct Batgirl is worse than Hitler being a fashion designer. I would rather have no Batgirl movie at all than have this guy do it. This is the same guy who made Diana sexy dance for no reason and called her a bitch at least three or four times. If Joss directs Batgirl, I guarantee there will be at least one naked scene, sexual tension between Barbara and Bruce, she’ll have an estranged relationship with her dad because according to Whedon, women aren’t capable of loving familial relationships, and she will definitely be in too over her head at some point and need Batman to save her, after which he’ll yell at her because she’s not fit to be a hero. And that’s just off the top of my head.

So yeah. Fuck you, Whedon. 😊

#Wonder Woman #diana of themyscira #Diana Prince #steve trevor #Joss whedon is a dick #wonder woman movie #dc comics #joss whedon #batgirl movie

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