#the fact that he pretty consistently respects women doesn't stop him from treating men and women differently y'know?

[wolves-in-the-world]

the thing about eliot spencer as a character, right. the thing about him.

(and as always your mileage may vary on my analyses so if we disagree that's cool actually)

is that he is in fact a somewhat emotionally constipated idiot who is occasionally sensitive about his perceived masculinity and gets defensive about emotional intimacy around other men (largely hardison, who's much more comfortable expressing affection and embracing a softer kind of masculinity), but eliot displays enough emotional awareness and sensitivity and respect for women etc etc that anyone who's been subjected to that era of television will put on rose-tinted glasses without even looking twice.

(and he is, don't get me wrong, incredibly emotionally aware for a professionally punchy guy with enough trauma to sink the titanic. it still startles me to see.)

on top of which we have the layers and the accessories and the excellent hair with the secret braids and the way he barely has an ego and he's good with kids and protective of his team without taking it too far, and some of us never stood a fucking chance.

#eliot #eliot spencer #orig #further discussion in further tags #I'm being perhaps a little critical and there are other ways to read eg the fragile masculinity moments #but I Do think they were intended this way and largely come across this way #I'm quite happy playing with a fanon eliot who's better at this shit is the thing? it feels faithful enough to the original. #but this is something I'm chewing over in a rewatch and it's interesting so far #the fact that he pretty consistently respects women doesn't stop him from treating men and women differently y'know? #the fact that his bantering with hardison expresses affection and gets quite soft over time #doesn't stop him from pushing hardison away on a semi-regular basis. often physically. #the fact that the fandom unanimously decided he's an utter gentleman in matters of dating #doesn't quite negate the time he physically stopped aimee from getting away when he wanted to talk to her #though that's one I might disregard because it's so early and I think they hadn't quite figured out the characters then #and it was admittedly a brief moment followed by very consensual happenings #perhaps. honestly. eliot may be reflecting the attitudes of the show here. #which were very progressive for the time and are still startling on several fronts now but also showing definite signs of age #arguably fanon eliot (as I understand him) is eliot adjusted for inflation. as it were. #there's a lot going on here I'm having a normal amount of thoughts about it I'm. stopping now

[missmentelle]

So a while ago, my partner was repeatedly verbally abusive to me, and I tried to break up with him over it. He doesn't really yell at me like he used to anymore, except this one time when he was drunk. I want to believe he's changed, but he's also very insecure about me leaving, while he was certain I'd stay when he was abusive. How do you tell the difference between a man who truly wants to change, and one who is only being nice until the relationship gets on stable ground again?

I have to be honest - I’m really not optimistic that this situation will turn out well for you, and I am concerned about your safety.

We don’t have a ton of reliable data about whether or not abusive men can change their ways (and we have effectively no data about abusive women), but the data we do have is pretty bleak. Studies consistently show that abusive men who try to change their behaviour are very likely to return to abusing their partners, even if they complete a professional anti-abuse treatment program - and the problem is even worse when you consider that most abusers do not seek or complete treatment. The fact that your partner has now gotten weird about the possibility of you leaving him, and the fact hasn’t actually stopped the abuse - he’s still doing it when he’s drunk - is a huge red flag for me. Stopping the abuse means stopping it completely in all circumstances, and addressing the underlying causes of the abuse - anyone who is not doing that is not serious about changing their ways.

There are no guarantees that any abusive partner will ever change their ways for good. No amount of therapy or treatment or promises will ever guarantee that they have permanently changed. However, there are some very basic steps that an abuser absolutely has to do if they have any hope of changing:

They need to take full, complete and absolute responsibility for their abusive behaviour. They need to own the fact that they and they alone are responsible for the choices they made. Blaming “anger issues”, substance use, mental illness or an abusive childhood is not acceptable - millions of people struggle with any combination of these issues without ever, ever abusing their partner. It’s also not acceptable to suggest that you contributed to your own abuse; no matter how a partner behaves, everyone has a responsibility to deal with that behaviour without turning abusive. 

They need to accept that you have no obligation to forgive their past behaviour, and that you have no timeline for reconciling with them. If a partner is pressuring you to “get over it already, it was months ago” or insisting that you aren’t allowed to be afraid of them any more because “I’ve changed”, then that is not a changed person - that is a person who just doesn’t want to face the consequences of their actions.

They need to seek out actual treatment for their issues, preferably from a dedicated anti-abuse program. Promising to change on their own with no outside help is not good enough, and rarely leads any real results - you can’t really expect change when all the underlying causes are still there. Anger management and “regular” therapy are perhaps better than nothing, but they are not ideal - some forms of therapy may simply help abusers become more skilled at manipulating and blaming others, rather than taking real responsibility.

They need to address their attitude towards romantic relationships/gender roles. Abusive behavoior is not random, and it does not come out of a vaccuum - it comes from deeply flawed and problematic beliefs and values that the abuser holds, and there is a kind of internal logic to it. If you believe that your partner should be subservient to you, that you are always right, and that your partner has no right to leave you no matter how badly you treat them, then in your own mind, you might be justified in controlling and mistreating your partner when they fail to act the way that you think they “should”. True change doesn’t just involve addressing the controlling behaviour - they need to dig deep and address those flawed valued systems that created the controlling behaviour in the first place.

They need to value you as a person and truly want to repair the harm they’ve caused. An abuser who starts being “nice” for the sole purpose of preventing you from wanting to leave the relationship is not a reformed abuser - they are an abuser who is simply trying a different tactic to manipulate you into staying. Someone who is truly making a meaningful change will actively want to repair the harm done to you as a person - not just the harm done to the relationship - and will respect that you may need distance, time or an end to the relationship altogether. 

It’s important to remember that the process of becoming a non-abusive partner takes time, and you are under absolutely no obligation to stick around while a partner goes through it. You do not (and frankly, should not) have to put your life on hold while you wait to see if someone can get their shit together and start treating you with basic respect. There are a lot of people out there who do not abuse their partners at any level of intoxication, and you have every right to go out and seek a healthy relationship with one of them at any time. If your partner is serious about reforming their ways, they will do so even if you break up with them - if they are only changing to keep you in the relationship, it’s a pretty safe bet that they were never going to make any kind of serious change at all. 

For further reading on abuse and an abusive partner’s odds of changing, I highly recommend that you read “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft. You can find a free PDF of the book by clicking here. 

Best of luck to you!

Miss Mentelle.

#Anonymous #AnsweredByMM