#the fact that its been 10 yrs is honestly mind-boggling to me

[infiniteorangethethird]

Do you know what is something that really, really fucking hurts as a MaDDer?

My longest standing/main paracosm is reaching its 10th anniversary today. I've been mentally preparing myself for this for a while now, choosing to celebrate by building up for one of the biggest climaxes in the story of said paracosm. Both these internal events, and the fact that it's been 10 (ten!!!) years, they mean a lot to me.

And there is absolutely no one I can share this excitement with.

I have no idea how to properly convey just how important all of this is to me. These people I've created in my head, who have been with me for years, whose internal struggles and emotions I'm more familiar with than my own. These stories, these worlds, that are so indescribably large it takes near a minute for the doc containing said description to just load. And all the emotions they spark, good or bad, so vivid that sometimes they feel more real than my emotions towards the real world.

To most people, daydreams are just "random ideas to toy around with for a few minutes to ease boredom", I suppose. Some people don't even daydream. To most people, the idea that your daydreams can be a part of a consistent, coherent internal world, one that holds significance to you - it is unimaginable. Foolish.

And even if they did try to understand, how the hell could I even convey the impact of what is happening internally? How could I just go "oh hey one of my oldest paras just killed one of the most powerful gods for the first time since existence began" in a way that it makes sense? How could I let them know just how deeply all of this affects me, how could I share these grandiose emotions I'm feeling?

I dunno. I guess I just really wish there was someone out there who understood - not just related, but with whom I could share, whose reaction would be more than just "oh that's cool I suppose"

#madd #actually madd #maladaptive daydreaming #madd negative #cw vent #sorta #idk i guess im just feeling kinda lonely this sunday night #happy 10th bday my guys #i honestly thought they wouldn't make it past like. 3 years so #the fact that its been 10 yrs is honestly mind-boggling to me

[xylianna]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 I have had a lot of rum today and will totally star for star with you....of course I will probably be sober by the time you get to this... MORNING RUM IT IS!!!!

48 STARS?   SERIOUSLY DO YOU WANT MY LIFE STORY?  CAUSE YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET IT.

1. my first pet was a rabbit named Carmel

2. my first cat was a yellow tabby named Orlith (Moreta’s queen dragon in the Dragonriders of Pern books)

3. my other two cats have been named Wolf and Lynx.  Wolf is my old lady cat, 18 years old.  Lynx I had to rehome when I moved a few years ago.  Orlith died years ago, the poor thing.

4. I learned how to hunt because I live in an area that is THE THING and also animals are tasty. I spent hours tracking a damn pheasant on my first hunt but because of my shitty eyesight/lack of depth perception, couldn’t see it, so my dad shot it. He still credited me with the kill since I tracked it.

5. I like to go fishing, if by fishing you mean “sit on the boat and read a book because its pretty on the water”

6. I like spreadsheets a little too much. Google Sheets means I can have them EVERYWHERE.

7. I love to sing, and its the one thing I’m actually a bit arrogant about. At least, I feel like its arrogance. Maybe its just being truthful? I have a really good voice. I trained it for a lot of years.  it’s one of the few things I can do that almost always lifts my mood.

8. I hadn’t seen any live concerts in ages, and then in 2016 I saw Final Fantasy A New World and the Legend of Zelda: Symphony of the Goddesses

9. I have next to no confidence in anything outside my singing and it still boggles my mind that people like my writing. this isn’t me fishing for compliments, I’m honestly astounded. I read other people’s stuff and I’m blown away that those same people like mine, when theirs is just so fucking amazing.

10. sometimes I go anywhere between a day or a week without contacting anybody just to see if anyone bothers to talk to me if I don’t reach out first.  the results usually make me more sad than before I tried. and make me question most my ‘friendships’.

11. I’ve been single for two years and I kinda hate it, but don’t expect it to change anytime soon. part of the reason is i’m picky AF.  most of the reason is I have little to no social life.

12. I’m pagan and I am deeply spiritual but I generally don’t discuss it at all if I’m not asked by a close friend, because to me spirituality and religion is DEEPLY personal

13. I have never slept with a woman who hasn’t decided afterwards that she’s straight. this is probably why I’ve dated so few women. while logically I know there’s no correlation between my performance and their declarations (especially as my more recent ex-gf is dating another woman now), its still a pretty big ego blow.

14.  Sorry I just answering this to sing for like 10 minutes.   Currently trying to type while singing “Missing” by Evanescence.  ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST!

15. i hate going to movies alone and will actively buy people tickets just so I don’t have to

16. I hate cooking for just me when my son isn’t home, so instead I tend to batch cook and freeze a bunch to enable lazy dinners down the road

17. I’m a really good cook :D

18. Tomorrow I play D&D! I play once a month with a small group of family and friends. This is the third group I’ve had for the same campaign and I don’t think I’ll ever see the end at this rate, haha.

19. I also play WoW.  In WoW, I play Xylianna, the Paladin.  In D&D I play a Fighter.  I like swords okay?

20. work sucked this week but I have rum now :D

21. I had cancer when I was 17.   In 2 months will be my 18th anniversary of being cancer free. I celebrate that more than my birthday, or my wedding anniversary before I was divorced.  Nothing gets you to pare the bullshit out of your life faster than getting that diagnosis, let me tell you.

22. HOW THE FUCK AM I ONLY ON NUMBER 22 WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM ME *gets a third drink*

23. In my local kink community, my ‘scene name’ is one of my first OTP’s.

24. If 23 didn’t warn you, I’m going to talk about BDSM now. I’m a switch insofar as I’ll top without any real hint of dominance since I LOATHE the responsibility of being a dom.  Iggy in Discretion/What Would Happen is totally based off me, because I vastly prefer to give over control since my entire fucking life is me running everything. I run my dept at work, I run my house, I run my gaming group, I run my karaoke group.  Sometimes I just need a break okay?

25. also gimme dat pain

26. and I’ll give you some, too, because I enjoy service topping

27. Consent is Sexy, okay?   I go out of my way to portray consent being constantly re-established in my bdsm fics particularly, because its never okay to assume that just because I was allowed to do X last week, its okay to do X this week. I mean obviously in an established relationship, it would be different, but even then CONSENT AND COMMUNCATION, SO FUCKING SEXY

28. I wish I could play a string instrument. I bought a guitar and tried to learn it but it turns out I am not good at teaching myself something so different from what I already know, haha.  Chords  are confusing to me for some reason. Or I made them more confusing than they had to be.

29. I am embarrassed to admit how many years its been since I picked up one of my clarinets.  I wish I could find a local ensemble to join, but, that would mean reaching out and asking and aahhhhhh *hides*

30. I would also totally lose my shit if I could find a choral group to join that wasn’t attached to a Christian church. no offense at all to christian churches, but I feel a bit dishonest joining a group connected to a faith I don’t share, you know?

31. when I go to xmas eve church with my mom at her church, my brother-in-law’s mother does indeed make me join choir for that night, and its great!

32. i’m intensely lonely most of the time but I pretend i’m not because indulging in the feeling won’t change anything. and tbh part of it is my fault for isolating myself.

33. I have chronic severe depressive disorder coupled with a side of anxiety. So I feel like shit, and I worry about it, LOL

34. Prior to November 2017 NaNoWriMo, I hadn’t written in over 10 years, save for a couple 300ish word short stories.

35.  part of me is terrified certain family members will find my AO3/Tumblr. I actually talked to my psychologist about this fear at my last appointment. We agreed that if they go to so much trouble as to find my internet alter ego, they deserve to be offended by my work. Fuck ‘em.

36. just once I wish I could feel the support I give my family given to me. I have one supportive family member and its not even blood. my brother-in-law is my best friend, for real.  my Warder (if you follow WoT), bonded in balefire.  I wish the rest of my family would care about me, but I’m working on accepting they just won’t.

37. I love learning languages for the same reason I love studying music, and I love writing - my goal is to communicate as effectively as possible, make people really understand, and the more avenues open to me the better

38. when I get a little drunk, I forget English and speak a mashup of Spanish, German, and Japanese

39. I have to go to karaoke tomorrow night for the first time since I was sexually harassed at karaoke last October, and I’m kinda terrified

40. I get very down on myself when I realize in my writing I do no world building and very little serious plotting. I basically write angst, or love, or smut. I’m trying to be okay with that, but I admit I feel like I don’t do a good enough job.

41. wow way to kill the mood, Xy.   honestly, if anyone is still reading this, you get a fucking medal.  i’m not that interesting, and I probably should have stopped writing this long ago.

42. I really wish life would give me a fucking break, you know?  but that’s not how it works.  you gotta make your own breaks, and I’m too gods-damned tired to try at present.  Maybe I’ll try later this year.

43. I wish I lived alone. Ironic, since I’m lonely 99% of the time.  But having a roommate isn’t the same as having companionship and sometimes I just want to not listen to someone else’s blaring TV or have someone else walk thru the house while I’m writing at the table or have someone comment on my singing (even if its complimentary)

44. WOW I GOT DEPRESSED LETS LIGHTEN THINGS UP SHALL WE?  I love apple scented shit.

45.  I own at least 10 pairs of kitty ears, and two tails.  In fact I am wearing ears to karaoke tomorrow.  Meow.

46.  I want the relationship I write for Gladnis in my Discretion series BUT I’M NOT HOLDING MY BREATH FAM

47.  my son is 8 yrs old and he’s honestly the best thing i’ve done with my life, and he is the thing I am most proud of, even topping my joy in beating cancer

48.  in 2016 I lost 120 pounds.  in 2017 i gained 30 back.  in 2018… we’ll see.

HOLY FUCK THAT WAS HARD I DESERVE MORE RUM NOW OKAY