#idk i guess im just feeling kinda lonely this sunday night | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

critical--veins · 6 years

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Answer all the get to know me questions :)

oh jeez tht’s so many I’m sorry u all have to scroll past this but I’ll do it for u anon

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

I genuinely don’t even remember my hands r lonely

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

SO SHY3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

my familyyyy & best friend when I go home for spring break :)4. Are you easy to get along with?

yah man I’m chill with everyone5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

yes ! (I hope)6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

I like ppl who are genuine & kind!7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

nooooo (I wish but no)8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

this boy I’ve been talking to on & off cause he wants to see me when I come home :)) 9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

not usually I guess it depends who it’s with tho10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

my friend paulina last night at 2am after getting back from a party lol11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“yah girl what’s up”12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

quixoticelixer- red hot chili peppers

hello euphoria- turnover

all my friends- knocked loose

hurt- trophy eyes

control- citizen 13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

UH HUHHH 14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

I mean this is an interesting question bc in the universe things happen that seem lucky or miraculous but are just due to chance so in a way yes, but NO15. What good thing happened this summer?

I met my family in honduras for the first time & they were so amazing16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

ooooh this questions fun idk maybe!17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

ABSOLUTELY18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

nope19. Do you like bubble baths?

hell yah soak me up 20. Do you like your neighbors?

my across the hall neighbors in my dorm building are mean21. What are you bad habits?

NEVER LEAVING MY BED22. Where would you like to travel?

alaskaaaaa I wanna hike around denali 23. Do you have trust issues?

a little24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

GOING THE FUCK TO SLEEP25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

all26. What do you do when you wake up?

sigh rlly dramatically27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

I wish I had pretty pale skin, but I like being tan too! so both28. Who are you most comfortable around?

my little sister29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

nope30. Do you ever want to get married?

OH YES SO BAD31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

yes!32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

Harry Styles for sure, Awsten Knight from waterparks is also v dreamy33. Spell your name with your chin.

L.JCYH (mood) 34. Do you play sports? What sports?

I used to be a cheerleader !! (I competed so miss me with that not a sport shit) 35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

TV36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

OH YES37. What do you say during awkward silences?

I don’t break awkward silences bc IM AWKWARD38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

someone smart! also just someone who can be chill all the time I hate fights & pettiness so like idk just be chill39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

I luv going into furniture & decor shops like home goods or kirklands lol 40. What do you want to do after high school?

I’m in college rn studying to be a conservation biologist!

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

no some people are genuinely bad42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

usually nothing bc I’m always quiet lol43. Do you smile at strangers?

yeah sometimes!44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

space 100%, I wanna see the earth from outer space I think that would be the most life changing experience!!45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

fuckin class I need to earn my degree46. What are you paranoid about?

never finding the love of my life 47. Have you ever been high?

yah like once lol48. Have you ever been drunk?

oh yeah49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

nah50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

grey!51. Ever wished you were someone else?

every FUCKING day52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

one thing?53. Favourite makeup brand?

I dont rlly have one! but I guess I use a lot of it cosmetics 54. Favourite store?

there’s this record store called the sound garden & I used to go to it in baltimore all the time cause I live like an hour from there, THEN I FOUND OUR THEIR OTHER LOCATION IS IN SYRACUSE WHERE I GO TO SCHOOL so like idk I love that store cause it’s my lil home connection

55. Favourite blog?

too many! ily all56. Favourite colour?

green :)57. Favourite food?

MAC & CHEESE TILL I DIE58. Last thing you ate?

toaster waffles I didn’t even toast I just microwaved bc I’m lazy59. First thing you ate this morning?

the toaster waffles60. Ever won a competition? For what?

yeah I’ve won a photography contest & a poetry contest, and I got second in an art show for my dorm lol61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

I was suspended in the 6th grade for telling a boy I wanted to punch him in the face lmaoooo 62. Been arrested? For what?

nooo63. Ever been in love?

I don’t think so 64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

fucking awful cause it was new years eve so I knew it was coming but I didn’t rlly want to, so the nerves just built & built the whole night so yeah not good not good at all65. Are you hungry right now?

nahh66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

ya’ll don’t talk to me (the ones that do I luv u)67. Facebook or Twitter?

twitter68. Twitter or Tumblr?

both!69. Are you watching tv right now?

no70. Names of your bestfriends?

maddie & brandon71. Craving something? What?

affection always72. What colour are your towels?

blue72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

373. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

nah74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

I don’t think I have any anymore75. Favourite animal?

BEARS I WANT A BEAR TATTOOED ON ME RN76. What colour is your underwear?

dark grey77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

chocolate78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

cookie dough every time79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

black 80. What colour pants?

no pants! all day long!81. Favourite tv show?

friends is one of my faves, but I also rlly love rick & morty which is a lil embarrassing but it’s the best

82. Favourite movie?

ya know I don’t rlly have a fav movie83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

mean girls84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

mean girls85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

the goth bitch janis 86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

crush the sea turtle is the best character87. First person you talked to today?

a BOYyyyy who I’m rlly into 88. Last person you talked to today?

my friend paulina!89. Name a person you hate?

lol this girl me & my friend just started going out with, she’s so awful & we’re trying to figure out how to cut her off without being mean :/ 90. Name a person you love?

my parents91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

myself?92. In a fight with someone?

nope93. How many sweatpants do you have?

I have like 5 pairs 94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

TOO MANy95. Last movie you watched?

I watched nerve but I didn’t rlly like it lol96. Favourite actress?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯97. Favourite actor?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯98. Do you tan a lot?

not rlly but I tan easily so I don’t have to99. Have any pets?

I HAVE 3 CATS & THEY’RE ANGELS100. How are you feeling?

sleepyyyy101. Do you type fast?

yah 102. Do you regret anything from your past?

yes103. Can you spell well?

I tell myself I can but actually probably not104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

yeah my friend from last year who I kinda drifted apart from I miss her a lot105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

yeah106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

yes whoops 107. Have you ever been on a horse?

YEAH I LOVE TRAIL RIDES 108. What should you be doing?

writing my speech for my public presentations class & studying lol109. Is something irritating you right now?

no110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

yeah 111. Do you have trust issues?

a little112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

I mean my friend emily but I was laugh crying113. What was your childhood nickname?

my friends in middle school called me Lulu lmaooo 114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yeah I go to school out of state!115. Do you play the Wii?

no I used to tho116. Are you listening to music right now?

yah dude listening to being as an ocean rn 117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

yup118. Do you like Chinese food?

I fuckin LOVEEE chinese

119. Favourite book?

idk I haven’t read for pleasure in a rlly long time 120. Are you afraid of the dark?

yes lol121. Are you mean?

no I try to be kind as fuck122. Is cheating ever okay?

noooOoOooo123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

nOOOOOOO124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

NOOOOOOOOOO125. Do you believe in true love?

yah I want to126. Are you currently bored?

yesssss127. What makes you happy?

sunday phone calls with my parents128. Would you change your name?

nah my names pretty unique I’ve never rlly met another Lucy 129. What your zodiac sign?

leo!130. Do you like subway?

yah subways dank131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

uhhhhhhh idk that’d be weird132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

my friend Paulina 133. Favourite lyrics right now?

”when I sit alone come get a little known but I need more than myself this time”

snow by rhcp is like one of my fav songs of all time & I just love that line idk 134. Can you count to one million?

who would ever135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

I DON’T LIE TO PPL BITCH136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

closed ew wtf who sleeps with their door open137. How tall are you?

4′10138. Curly or Straight hair?

curlyyyy139. Brunette or Blonde?

brunette140. Summer or Winter?

summer absolutely141. Night or Day?

BOTH 142. Favourite month?

I like may cause the weather is nice & also I get to go homeee143. Are you a vegetarian?

no I’ve given up meat for a while tho & it wasn’t bad! also I eat vegan some days just bc I like doing it but I love mac & cheese too much for that shit (I know vegan mac & cheese exists but easy mac) 144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

milk145. Tea or Coffee?

tea146. Was today a good day?

I didn’t leave my bed so yah147. Mars or Snickers?

snickers148. What’s your favourite quote?

anything carl sagan has said ever I fucking love him but one of my faves is from pale blue dot that says

”The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot.”149. Do you believe in ghosts?

idk I’ve never had a ghost experience but I like the idea of it so sure150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“The plant cell typically consists of a more or less rigid cellwall and a protoplast.”

It’s the textbook for my plant evolution class lmaooo

tht deadass just took me so long lol thanks for occupying me for like an hour

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simplicitys-bliss · 7 years

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it’s kinda funny

depression i mean.

*heres a disclaimer before you continue to read this if you chose to: this post is kinda sad. Like, not really, but it’s h e l l a personal, and if you don’t feel like reading about any of that, or seeing how my thought process is all over the place when I talk about stuff like this, id just stop reading now. Go back to looking at memes, asthetically pleasing pictures of fashion/places/food, dogs, and porn bc you won’t enjoy this*

So back to depression; to me, it’s like one minute I’m super happy, I’m ready to take on the world, and ready to do great things, but the next I feel as if im drowning..or rather, i can’t breath.

You see, i haven’t felt genuine happiness in a long fucking time, and it fucking sucks. I have however felt euphoria, and that was neat. Euphoria in a moment, in a person, in a time.

In a moment, it was when I was accepted into college. It’s crazy to think the number one thing that causes my anxiety and my fears of failing in life were once the source of complete and udder euphoria. It was as if in that moment, wow man all my hard work over the four years that was high school actually meant something. That it was actually worth it. And that to me caused this sense of self acceptance that I have yet to feel from a specific moment in time again. Maybe one day something will happen to cause it, but nothing has really matched the feeling of making it into my top school after convincing myself that I wasn’t good enough.

In a person, oh man. Have you ever met someone equally matched with you? Ya know, someone who matches you on most everything; humor, sarcasm, love. It’s fucking great. And idk. I felt like I had found that. To quote Marroon 5’s Sunday Morning: “livin life gets hard, Sunday morning raining is falling and im callin to you...” blah blah blah. What I’m trying to get at is yes I have found utter euphoria in someone so bad I think of cheesy 2000s love songs. that’s pathetic. What’s pathetic is it’s not the same on both ends, at least not anymore. I have not met one person like this, and it really really sucks that shit like circumstances and time and place have put a road block in an otherwise blissful highway of love. again, its corny as fuck. and pathetic.

In a time? Shit last year. I would give anything to go back to this time last year. Timehop has a funny way of drudging up things from the past you forget about after the moment passes and it doesn’t come out of your long term memory until a day when you’re really low and you see that at this same moment you were once in cloud nine. This time last year was that, and again I would give anything to go back. Another time that I wish I could go to would have to be the beginning of this summer. I will never ever forget this summer, except for the beginning of it. When everything was just starting to come together. I didn’t even realize in that moment that I had set myself up to feel completely in sync with people I would’ve never guessed myself to be friends with.

I guess you could say I have a lot to be happy for. But the thing about depression is that it all becomes like a giant blind spot. Depression takes the front seat and puts my emotions in drive, while happiness and reasons to live and reasons to feel like I actually matter become a blind spot in the road.

Like school. Holy fucking shit school makes me want to die, like real life death. I feel out of place, I feel overwhelmed, and I feel alone. But at the same time, I’ve never had a group of peers like my a capella group. And if I dropped out, they would definitely be missed. But the problem I’m coming to is that they seem to be the only reason I’m still here. And i feel like that’s not a good thing. NOTA is my happiness blind spot and I wish they were my main view.

And then there’s this whole lonely business. What the fuck is up with this. I used to consider myself pretty self dependent, but holy shit i find myself wanting love and assurance and acceptance so bad all of the time and it sucks. I have my good days where I appreciate the solo lifestyle, like not having anything to owe to anybody, or being able to do whatever I want like being away from my phone for hours and no one yelling at me for it. But okay, the other night I went to a party with my a capella group, and went back to my friend Jerry’s house with my other friend Haley. I was drunkish, but Jerry was blacked and I didn’t trust him alone so I stayed till he fell asleep. I got on a bus around 2:30ish and I was alone. Then this couple came on the bus along with two other loud drunk men all staggering from Pickles(a downtown bar). I kept looking at this couple, and even these two guys, and kept thinking about how nice it’d be to have someone to check in with when I leave alone on nights like these. Or when I’m at work(I work at a restaurant as a Host/busser) and I sit old couples. Not even really old, but old enough so that you know they’re at least 10+ years into a relationship. I find myself thinking “damn being marrieds gonna be so neat what the fuck. having someone to eat fake Italian food and bool with? someone who I’m completely comfortable with who accepts me for me? fuck that’s nice.” And idk. I guess that’s just because I came out of a relationship with I though was it for me; the kind where you never saw there being a time without them but now you’re alone watching Betty and Kevin eat arugula salads talk about their mortgage and looking for happiness in people who could care less about your feelings and your well being. sad.

I’m drowning in loneliness and sadness and putting my happiness in my blind spot, and it’s no bueno. I can’t breathe. It’s like if depression is a pool, I took a cannon ball into that bitch. Happiness is the air right about level the water line, the light you can see when you’re underwater and your ascending up, but for me my light is just glass. Like I’m in a tank and there’s light everywhere, but I can’t get to it.

Does this make sense? Am I reaching anyone? Does this hit familiar to anyone, or am I alone on this. Iunno. But then again, it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters lol.

#personal biz

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jess-oh · 7 years

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Reflection

am i actually a shitty person?

i think i’ve been somewhat aware for a few weeks now but...shit, am i? i have grown a lot more selfish and self centered and self absorbed. and of course i dont want that. and maybe im just like this bc it’s easier? but it isnt all about me all the time. and even though i do want to make more of an effort to invest into others, i can help but think “me me me” all the time too. and i feel really shitty about it.

idk. i guess i just have a lot of my mind rn and i cant express it all into concise words. i havent been to church in a while. i went from spending so much of my time with the people at lakeview to not at all. i missed friday, sunday, study sessions throughout the week...and to be fair, i was feeling pretty depressed on sunday bc of a plethora of reasons but....sigh idk.

i think i am lonely. but it’s... different. it is but not really. i am lonely bc i dont have close friends out here. but i think im more lonely bc i dont have too many people that i can rely on on a more vulnerable level. i think marlena is my best bet but shes going through a lot rn and i just want to be there for her. but i dont know if that means i cant come to her with my own issues as well anymore. bc i dont want to make her feel shittier than she already feels. and being in that position really sucks and i get that and i dont expect her to be emotionally available for me rn and thats fine, i dont blame her. it’s just hard. bc yes, i have andrew too. but i think we’ve both grown very apathetic. and i guess it’s always been nice being able to cry while we talked but not actually seeing it just bc thats so much more intimate but now that i think about it... i dont know if i’d ever want to cry in front of him. that just seems too intimate. but he is my friend. a good one at that. and we have knowingly cried while talking to each other before... so what’s so different now? i guess it’s just bc of that barrier between the two of us, being separated by computer screens. it’s so much more real in person. i mean, i dont like crying in front of anyone, in general. but i really dont want to do it in front of him. i do think i am opening up to my family more and keeping lines of communication more open.

and i do think i’m insecure bc i see my friends getting tons and tons of likes and i cant help but feel this sense of jealousy and wonder... what makes them so great? what are they doing that im doing wrong? or could it just be that theyre trying to fit in and saying all the right things to the right people? i was skyping with david and andrew last night and it was really fun! but they’ve been kinda hanging out with jazmine more recently and i felt really bad talking about her. so i tried to understand her by asking questions and encouraging them to give her a chance. but they told me that shes just very bland and has no personality and i wonder if all these people with all these likes are like that. bland with no personality. just fitting in to the given mold. but then i started wondering... am i like that? i dont think i was before. but i mightve become that person. i have been limiting myself and not getting as excited about things that i used to be so passionate about. i do love to serve and care for others and i do have a heart of compassion that i want to use to its fullest potential and i do really love God and I want to be bold and be more open about my religion and passion for Him and the mission field. Maybe it’s just so hard right bc the two people closest to me are not believers. And of course I want them to see God as I do but more than that, at least right now, I just want people that I feel close with that understand my heart for God. And don’t just think it’s some foreign, abstract concept. Because He does mean so much to me and I do love Him so much and I do really believe that He is working in my life and using me to do these great things. But I can’t help but compare myself to everyone else. To the other out of staters and see how much better they’re doing than I am. And how bold and confident they are in themselves. Because they have that support system and they’re willing to be open and trusting of others. I used to think that Jeanie was just quiet and talked about people behind their back all the time because I knew that that’s what Jane did. And I was just so jealous of her love and acceptance from others. And I was so shocked when Jiham said she was so sweet because in all actuality, she is. She is an incredibly sweet person with such a caring heart. She’s so attentive and is so genuine in her relationships and that’s really so amazing. And that’s so fucked up of me to have thought otherwise just bc I was so insecure in myself.

Andrew linked me to a video about this new YouTuber that he likes and the guy was critiquing RiceGum. And yeah, RiceGum is a dick. He’s really not a good person. But I couldn’t help but think and wonder and realize that I’m a hypocritical, judgmental asshole too! And yeah, I think part of the reason I’m feeling like this right now is just bc I’m lonely and on my period and just feel really insecure. But I don’t want to just immediately seek the comfort of my friends right now either. Because I do think I have become a really shitty person. And yeah, maybe I’m not giving myself enough credit. But I do think that I have become a lot more self-centered and self-serving. And i don’t want to do that anymore. And I do think that it’s important that I realize this and decide to move on from here.

#reflection

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