#the resentment of his mental illness and addiction. his poverty too- i doubt the line where she calls him a poverty-stricken fuck is real

[inmirova]

spending the small hours of the night thinking about how hdb views the mere act of caring for him as inhuman.

#like. even the kindest doctor i have ever had let me withdraw from multiple antipsychotics mood stabilizers and antidepressants alone #trying and failing to figure out how to taper down safely from the internet. most things suggested getting smaller scripts filled #our society wasnt built for people like us. it is so so tiring to be poor and disabled in this world and its tiring to love someone who is #so eventually we're abandoned. the people who loved us get tired of it. especially once youre safe enough to stop posturing #to admit that everything hurts and you dont want to get out of bed or you cant pick up the dog or youre just too fucking tired #because youre no longer what you were. these things constantly change you. #yes i loved to swim and to ice skate and to climb trees and sit and survey the world around me. no i cant do that anymore. #does it make me less interesting? does it make me harder to love? #how much is changed when im sitting on the shoreline and youre in the ocean? #this got away from me. it feels hard to be loved in a body like this-in a mind like this. it must be saintly. angelic. innocentic. to do so #tomorrow night is my favorite holiday but it leaves me thinking a lot about devotion #about ruth clinging to naomi- the realization that what you have found would destroy you should you lose it. #where you die i will die and there i will be buried may the lord deal with me be it ever so severely if anything but death separates us #it's so hard when the thing that separates you is your punishment already #dream dora talks about his depression and how he gets too sad and phone dora tells him hes drunk no matter what he says #the resentment of his mental illness and addiction. his poverty too- i doubt the line where she calls him a poverty-stricken fuck is real #but the emotion behind it was definitely in her #all of the reasonings my ex fiance gave for leaving boiled down my mental illness (blatantly said it a couple times too) #but ik physical disability stuff bothered them too #it's fucking hard #the parts of you that everyone resents are finally accepted and embraced and then used to blame you for the end of something #yes of course there were things i did wrong as a person and things harry did wrong as a person. #that doesnt stop the things about ourselves that are already distressing from being paraded as a moral failure by someone we trusted #all of this to say. sometimes it feels like waiting for the other shoe to drop. #humanity has abandoned the poor disabled addicts of the world. when will you? it's inhuman to care. history shows that to be true. #idk. i have to be up in 3 hours. im sure ill have more coherent thoughts about this after work tomorrow. rn I'm just. here's a mess lol #or maybe not! i have to put the finishing touches on my cheesecake before sundown. #ill make dinner and celebrate shavuot with my sister who is still a human despite caring for me #and things will be. as they are. or ill rotate these thoughts in my head and wont be able to fall asleep all night and ill ruin tomorrow. #who knows!