#dream dora talks about his depression and how he gets too sad and phone dora tells him hes drunk no matter what he says

[inmirova]

spending the small hours of the night thinking about how hdb views the mere act of caring for him as inhuman.

#like. even the kindest doctor i have ever had let me withdraw from multiple antipsychotics mood stabilizers and antidepressants alone #trying and failing to figure out how to taper down safely from the internet. most things suggested getting smaller scripts filled #our society wasnt built for people like us. it is so so tiring to be poor and disabled in this world and its tiring to love someone who is #so eventually we're abandoned. the people who loved us get tired of it. especially once youre safe enough to stop posturing #to admit that everything hurts and you dont want to get out of bed or you cant pick up the dog or youre just too fucking tired #because youre no longer what you were. these things constantly change you. #yes i loved to swim and to ice skate and to climb trees and sit and survey the world around me. no i cant do that anymore. #does it make me less interesting? does it make me harder to love? #how much is changed when im sitting on the shoreline and youre in the ocean? #this got away from me. it feels hard to be loved in a body like this-in a mind like this. it must be saintly. angelic. innocentic. to do so #tomorrow night is my favorite holiday but it leaves me thinking a lot about devotion #about ruth clinging to naomi- the realization that what you have found would destroy you should you lose it. #where you die i will die and there i will be buried may the lord deal with me be it ever so severely if anything but death separates us #it's so hard when the thing that separates you is your punishment already #dream dora talks about his depression and how he gets too sad and phone dora tells him hes drunk no matter what he says #the resentment of his mental illness and addiction. his poverty too- i doubt the line where she calls him a poverty-stricken fuck is real #but the emotion behind it was definitely in her #all of the reasonings my ex fiance gave for leaving boiled down my mental illness (blatantly said it a couple times too) #but ik physical disability stuff bothered them too #it's fucking hard #the parts of you that everyone resents are finally accepted and embraced and then used to blame you for the end of something #yes of course there were things i did wrong as a person and things harry did wrong as a person. #that doesnt stop the things about ourselves that are already distressing from being paraded as a moral failure by someone we trusted #all of this to say. sometimes it feels like waiting for the other shoe to drop. #humanity has abandoned the poor disabled addicts of the world. when will you? it's inhuman to care. history shows that to be true. #idk. i have to be up in 3 hours. im sure ill have more coherent thoughts about this after work tomorrow. rn I'm just. here's a mess lol #or maybe not! i have to put the finishing touches on my cheesecake before sundown. #ill make dinner and celebrate shavuot with my sister who is still a human despite caring for me #and things will be. as they are. or ill rotate these thoughts in my head and wont be able to fall asleep all night and ill ruin tomorrow. #who knows!

[whyistarchaser]

Marauders’ House ! Jegulus au

TW: anxiety/depression mentions (briefly), family trauma, not-too-important (nor loved) death character(s), substance “abuse” (non explicit, briefly).

“As It Was” is the lead single from the third album called Marauders’ House, where it seems like Black sings in a somewhat sorrowful voice about his bittersweet feelings of loneliness and the past, masking it with synths and an upbeat sound reminiscent of music from the ‘80s. After the announce was out, Black tweeted:

“It just feels like the thing I wanted to say, the moment I needed, the freedom I always deserved. I’m back back Black ;)”

see here the lyrics.

15:36 p.m.

To Reggie <3:

“ There’s this song I wrote. It’s not out yet, will be soon. Hope it can reach you before it gets released.

Talk to me

Please? ”

*Voice Memo.New_Single_As_It_Was*

The first time Sirius talked to a therapist was when his dad died. He felt so conflicted, mainly because he didn’t felt anything at all. He dealt with his “lost” so calmly and the grieving was nothing but easy for him.

Regulus, on the other hand, was a mess. Such as, he took a whole year off acting and followed his brother’s band around the world.

It helped him heal, the touring and having his big brother.

But when their mom died, everything shifted, Sirius felt a part of him died with her.

Maybe it was the trauma, the new feeling or the panic that his mother would haunt him in his dreams again. So Sirius decided it was for his own best to lock himself up in his big apartment with only Remus around and write the most raw lyrics he had ever written.

With a high upbeat repeating in his head, he wrote down his troubles and fears, how all the memories came back when he slept even though they were not the same. How nothing was as it was.

Answer the phone

"Sirius, you're no good alone

Why are you sittin' at home on the floor?

What kind of pills are you on?"

Ringin' the bell

And nobody's comin' to help

Your brother lives by himself

He just wants to know that you're well, oh

And oh Regulus, his little brother tried so hard to be there for him. Texting him constantly, trying to show up at his and Remus’ apartment, reaching out to the rest of the boys only to check up on him.

But Regulus was grieving too.

So after a few days, he stopped trying.

And after a month, Sirius became whole again.

His brother was still missing, and he couldn’t find enough strength to look at him and apologise. Instead, he wrote his brother an apology letter in the shape of a song.

Later that same day, Sirius invited the boys over for a movie night, to watch Sirius’ comfort movies, eating fast food and drinking cheap beer.

They were singing to Mamma Mia! when the apartment bell rang, startling the four of them. Peter paused the movie for a second but none of them moved, and the bell rang again.

“You go, James” said Sirius, snatching the TV remote from Peter’s hands, earning himself a hair pull from Peter and a glaring from Remus.

But, only because James was such a good friend (and the closest to the door), he stood up and walked over to open up right after the bell rang for a third time, finding Regulus’ teary eyes and his phone held up.

“Reg?” asked Sirius standing up from his couch, movie paused once again.

C’mon Sirius, we want to say goodnight to you!

The intro of As It Was was the only response Regulus had, right after brushing past James and standing right infront of his brother.

“Is that Dora?” the younger Black asked.

“It is” Sirius answered.

“Are you done avoiding me?”

“I’m sorry, Reg”

Regulus stared for a little longer at his brother’s eyes. “I needed you, Sirius.”

“I needed space”

Regulus looked hurt, but nodded after a while. He held his brother’s face with both hands and smiled with sadness in his eyes. “ I know. I still missed you”

That was enough for Sirius to crack and pull his little brother into a hug, sobbing in his shoulder.

“Wanker” whispered Regulus holding his brother up, crying too.

In this world, it's just us

You know it's not the same as it was

#jegulus #james potter #regulus black #starchaser #wolfstar #the marauders #remus lupin #harry potter #marauders #sirius black #sirius orion black #black family