#the snow white keychain happy meal toys are from 2001 so it's technically canon-compliant that he doesn't have kids yet | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

whumptimebaby · 2 years

Text

Jesse, what happened to your good sense?

| No Warnings Apply | 1/1 | Hurt/Comfort | 06/05/2022 (MM/DD/YYYY)

CW: Car Accident, Trauma Flashbacks, Disassociation

“Jesse, on the way home from a trip to visit his sister, ends up swerving to avoid hitting a deer. His reaction to going through a near-death experience? Annoyance. His nonchalant attitude is immensely worrying to the other members, but it’s not anything deeper than that, surely.

He definitely is one hundred percent a-okay. That’s what he keeps saying after all.”

Links: AO3 | Full Fic Below Cut

Of all the members of 4*Town, Jesse was the one who got most frazzled by inconveniences. When his time was taken up by things that he had no will to do, he was the first to get frustrated, to quit, to complain.

And Jesse could complain.

He'd actually been complaining about his lack of patience to Taeyoung once. The kid just shrugged, commenting about how Jesse never lost his patience with the other members of 4*Town. He was just particular about how he spends his time. That was all.

He wasn't sure he agreed, he'd definitely got in a fair few spats with the boys. They were never the "I don't like you" kind of fights though.

The worst one happened only a few months after they debuted. They'd flown to Florida to film a few interviews and spend some time in Disney to get photos, and Aaron T. snuck out of the hotel without telling anyone. He got lost, and didn't want to call anyone on the team because he was afraid of the consequences, so he hitchhiked back to the hotel. He didn't get back until well into the next morning.

Jesse would never forget waking up alone in his hotel room, the bed cold and bathroom empty. He'd never forget the thin sheen of panic as he checked the gym, and the pool, and the business lounge, and eventually the other hotel room, where Robaire, Aaron Z., and Taeyoung were staying.

When Aaron T. finally got back, exhausted, frazzled, and hungry, Jesse ordered room service and tore him to pieces.

"If you want to go out, that's fine. If you want to go out on your own, whatever man, you're an adult. You can make your own choices, but when you make shitty ones? I'm gonna get pissed."

Aaron T. had groaned. "What else was I supposed to do?"

"Call me. You could have called me."

In all fairness, as harsh as the rest of the argument had been, Aaron T. always called him after that. He couldn't know for certain, but there was a solid chance having that conversation early enough in their career saved Aaron from more kidnapping attempts than he'd already experienced.

On the topic of inconveniences, Jesse's whole day had been one big disaster. He'd been given the day off, since he'd got all his vocal work for their next album done early. He took the chance to go visit his sister.

The visit was fine, more tense than he would've liked. Apparently, his dad was trying to get back in the picture. That was just about the last thing he needed to deal with.

The drive to his sister's place was only an hour and a half, most of it being a relatively straight, well lit road with thin forest on either side. It was quite pretty. The setting sun filtered through the leaves, speckling the road like the bottom of a pond. The forest was wonderfully full of life. He thought about painting it sometime, if he could ever find room in their apartment to set up an easel.

It was that exact wildlife that seemed keen on ruining his day even further.

In all fairness, he was pretty distracted. The time he spent with his sister kept his mind reeling. The idea of seeing his dad again was... not something he was too keen on.

He was so distracted that he didn't see the deer until it was right in front of him.

He swerved, taking a hard right to avoid hitting it. The back end of his car hit something, a telephone pole, and spun out, the airbag deploying like a punch to the face. The car tilted, his door almost level with the dirt, but he couldn't feel gravity pulling him toward it. Was he in a ditch?

What had just happened?

He sat there, completely still, incredibly conscious and incredibly confused. The car radio continued to play.

Then, slowly, he lifted a finger to his nose. It came away bloody. His eyes stung with tears, probably from the airbag's assault on his face.

Carefully, he tried turning his head. No neck pain, that was probably good. He got a look at the rest of the car.

It was... well, it was definitely a wreck. The rear door had caved completely in. Any passengers there would have been a lot worse off than him. The front passenger door had also sustained significant damage. He leaned over to try and push it open, but it didn't budge.

Great. Fantastic. His side of the car was flesh with the dirt, and the other side was too damaged to use the doors. That was just swell.

Whoever had dug this abnormally large ditch was gonna... he wasn't quite sure. They probably had a good reason, it was just really, really, inconvenient.

The other super amazing thing about the whole situation was that his phone was in his bag, which just so happened to be wedged in between the right backseat and the part of the door that protruded where the pole had hit. There was no way he could reach it.

He rested his head back, shut his eyes, and waited for something to happen.

"I've never met nobody—"

For fucks sake.

Look, it wasn't that he didn't like the song. On most occasions, he would have thought it was pretty cool that it was on the radio. He just really, really didn't need to hear it right then.

He tried to tune out his own voice, picking apart the harmony lines that they'd slaved over in the recording studio. He chose to find comfort in their voices.

He wished he could call them. He was fine, but he was also going to be late, probably much later than he could conceive at that moment. I mean, he had to wait for someone else to call someone to get him out. That alone could be hours. The boys would worry. They would worry a lot.

To pass the time, he played a little game with himself. As the radio droned on, playing hit song after hit song, he started counting how many songs he didn't recognize before they got to the chorus. In a way, paying close attention to the popular music playing at 7:30pm (ish) on a Tuesday was kinda productive. He picked apart what he liked, making mental note after mental note about things to try the next time he got behind some recording software.

He thought about turning off the car, preserving gas for when it got colder, but he didn't want to risk someone driving by and thinking that the wreckage was old. If the car was still running, and the lights were still on, someone could pull over.

He realized that he'd gotten really lucky. With how damaged as his car was, it could have caught fire with the engine still running. He figured that, if it was going to happen, it probably would have already.

The most he did to try and make the car safer was set the e-brake and put the car in park.

He really did just sit there. There was nothing else to do, not until he heard loud music from something distinctly louder than his stereo. It sounded like someone had decided to throw a party right outside his car. He turned the music down, trying to pick up on what was going on.

"Hello?" A girl called, "Is anyone in there?"

"Yeah, I can't get out." He called back.

A face appeared in the passenger seat window. She looked young, probably barely old enough to drive on her own. She had a cardigan wrapped tightly around her shoulders, as though it was freezing outside the car. She looked at him with wide eyes.

She spoke through the window, the sound clear enough to suggest that there might've been a hole somewhere he couldn't see. "No fucking way. You're Jesse."

Man. This really was a shitty day.

Once again, it wasn't that he didn't like meeting fans. He loved it under most circumstances, it was just that talking to fans meant he was on the clock. More than anything, Jesse was not thrilled about having to put on a face for a stranger. In all fairness, he would have had to do that regardless of who showed up to rescue him.

Alas, this was a 4*Townie, one that had he was almost certain had been sent from heaven as some kind of saviour, because she immediately covered her mouth, shaking her head a little.

"Sorry, that's probably not helpful, are you okay?"

He gave her a thumbs up. "Pretty sure everything is in the right place."

"Your nose is bleeding."

"That was the airbag."

"I'm calling an ambulance."

He was a fool for thinking he wasn't going to have to visit the hospital. It's not like someone could call the emergency line to get him out and not have him sent to hospital, not after a wreck like that. The thought of it still made him feel infinitely more tired.

She disappeared briefly, and he turned the car off. When she returned, she held up her phone.

"Do you need to call anyone?"

Relief trickled down his back like chills. "That would be great."

He relayed Robaire's number to her, and she put the phone on speaker, holding it out of his line of sight, definitely near the unseen hole in the window.

It rang for a while, then went to voicemail.

"Hello, this is Robaire—"

He groaned. "For the love of god."

The girl's eyes nearly bugged out of her head. Jesse gave her a smile.

"He never answers unknown numbers the first time, if we pester him enough, he'll pick up."

"Okay, cool, uh, let me try again then."

It went to voicemail again. Jesse didn't let any worry fester. Robaire would pick up.

She tried again. It rung twice, and then—

"This is Robaire speaking."

"Hi Robaire."

"Jesse? What's with the random phone number?"

"Doesn't matter, I'm gonna be home late, got in a minor accident."

"Wha—"

The girl's mouth fell open. "Minor?"

"Jesse." He could picture Robaire pacing around the living room, eyes closed and a hand on the back of his neck.

"It's not that bad."

"Are you okay?"

Somewhere in the distant void of the phone call, he heard Taeyoung's voice. "What happened?"

"I'm fine, there's an ambulance on the way already."

The phone seemed to explode with chaos, and he cursed his poor wording. He couldn't get another word in over the panic.

"You need an ambulance?" Robaire's voice was the only clear one.

"He needs an ambulance?"

"What happened?"

"Jesse's hurt?"

"I'm fine," he stated again, "relax, the ambulance is only coming because I can't get out of the car. It's precautionary."

"How'd you end up crashing? Was anyone else involved?"

"He crashed?"

The quality of the call changed. Jesse guessed Robaire put it on speaker.

"I'm fine." He announced... again.

"Were there other vehicles?"

"Just me. There was a deer."

He was met with silence.

Then Aaron T.'s voice came through the phone. "Aren't you supposed to just, hit the deer? Isn't that the first thing they teach you in driving school?"

"Not always," Robaire said, "they taught me that hitting larger animals could be pretty dangerous."

"Shut up Canadian, they only told you that because you live in a country that has moose."

Aaron Z. spoke up. "Did Jesse even go to driving school?"

He rolled his eyes. "Yes, I had a driving instructor, can we talk about this later?"

"Right," Robaire said, suddenly sounding like he aged ten years, "who's with you then?"

The girl went completely stiff. Jesse nodded to her.

"Hi," she said, "I'm Amanda. I was driving by."

"Hi Amanda, thanks for letting him use your phone."

"It's really nothing."

"I wouldn't say that," Aaron T. chimed in, "He can be a twat."

Jesse rolled his eyes. "Stop watching British TV shows, our manager is gonna get pissy if you keep talking like that."

"I will do whatever I want Jesse. If I may remind you, I am an adult."

He turned to Amanda. "This is the exact reason why you should not be a fan."

Her cheeks flamed up. "Really? I think it's kinda cute."

"Oh ho ho." Aaron T. got much closer to the phone. "Amanda is a 4*Townie? Why didn't you say so?"

"T—"

"Amanda," he drew out her name, "Did you know that Jesse is afraid of peacocks?"

"What?" She glanced at him. "Really?"

"Ask me how we found out."

Jesse pleaded, "Please do not."

Aaron T. continued anyway. "We went to a petting zoo, Tae's idea, and there was a section with peacocks. You weren't actually allowed to go in and pet the peacocks, but you know, they were there."

"Robaire, please shut him up."

"He took the phone." Robaire sounded distracted.

"So Jesse is not paying attention, he was brooding about something, what were you brooding about?"

"I was not brooding."

"Right!" Aaron T. exclaimed, "You were upset that our schedule didn't have time for the local museum."

"You could have gone without us," Taeyoung added.

"And because he was brooding, he didn't see the peacocks until we were right there, and when I tell you he screamed—"

"Oh my God, I thought he'd just witnessed a murder or something." Taeyoung egged him on.

"Yeah, no kidding, he was thoroughly freaked. Absolutely booked it."

"When I get home, I'm calling management to tell them that I quit."

"Piss off," Aaron Z. said, "You couldn't leave us if you tried."

"You'd really put your money on that?"

"Who's gonna save you from the current peacock infestation?"

"Z!" Aaron T. cackled.

"Don't even joke," Jesse spat, "If you've never been chased by a peacock, you don't get to pick on me for it."

"That's a story I'd love to hear." Taeyoung said.

"Amanda," Robaire asked, "Is it okay if I take your number down? Not for anything bad, it's just in case we need to contact you about legal stuff."

Her voice held a confident tone, but she still looked petrified. "Yeah that's fine."

"You've been nothing but great," Jesse assured, "the agency just might want you to sign an NDA, just as a precaution."

"Wouldn't want personal information leaked, I get that." She nodded. "I expected as much."

Jesse didn't hear the sirens until the trees lit up with red.

Amanda looked over her shoulder. "That's the firetruck."

"We should start heading to the hospital," Robaire decided.

"It could be a while still."

"Z. looks like he's gonna blow a fuse if we don't leave right now."

"He's already got his shoes on." Taeyoung added.

"Okay, okay." Jesse chuckled. "I'll see you there."

The call ended, and Jesse breathed out a slow sigh.

"They really put you at ease," Amanda observed.

"I don't know that that's what I would've taken from the call."

"I don't know, it just seemed like you were all really friends."

What? Maybe he was naive, but he assumed it was obvious that they were friends.

"We would've killed each other by now if we didn't like each other."

"That's kinda really cool to hear. Maybe if the NDA doesn't forbid it, I could defend your honour."

"Our honour? From what?"

She blinked. "One of the ways people try to discredit 4*Town's success is saying that you all probably hate each other."

"That's news to me."

"Really?"

"I don't pay much attention to that kind of stuff."

"More power to you, I think I would be obsessed."

"Yeah?"

"In all fairness, I don't think I'd like being famous very much at all. I mean, I can imagine this—" She gestured to the car, and then to herself. "—is pretty hard for you."

He shrugged. "You've been chill, I'm not too bothered."

In reality, he was bothered as hell, just not bothered by her.

"That's good to hear." She let out a nervous laugh. "Cause I've been freaking out this whole time."

"Respectful." He changed his mind. "That's gonna take you very far."

"Excuse me." A firefighter came into view of the window. "Hi. My name is Keith. I'm with the fire department. We have the equipment to get you out, but we need to check a few things first. Is that okay?"

Amanda backed up. "I'll leave you to it."

***

No matter how much he insisted he was fine, the aid car attendants still made him go to the hospital for a quick check. Someone gave him a wipe to clean the blood off his face, so when he caught sight of his reflection in the emergency room window, he looked completely and utterly normal. To anyone passing by, he probably looked like he was there to visit a patient, not a doctor.

One more thing to add to the list of things he was annoyed about.

The emergency room staff took him to a private room, one usually used for serious injuries. He was told not to feel bad, that the ER wasn't very busy, they could afford to use the private room, but it still felt like a waste of resources and time.

On top of that, it took them twenty long minutes to sort out the other members. Jesse asked the hospital staff about it, and his doctor sent a nurse to hunt them down, and then left to go tend to their other patients, leaving him alone with a clock and the world's most annoying heart-rate monitor.

Finally, he heard Robaire's voice from outside the door. "How is he?"

"I can hear you," he retorted.

The door opened, and the members filed in.

Taeyoung cheered, "Jesse!"

"You look normal." Aaron T. observed.

"Please tell that to the staff, maybe they'll believe you."

"Wow." Aaron Z. looked around. "They really put you in the most boring room."

The door opened again, and his doctor walked in.

"Wow! It sure got crowded in here. Jesse, I have your test results. Everything looks good. From the state your car was in, you should consider yourself very lucky."

The doctor handed him a letter-sized printout of the accident. He grimaced. Everything he'd observed from the inside looked much worse from the out.

Robaire caught a glance of it over his shoulder. "Holy—"

"Haha, yeah." He folded the picture quickly. "Can I go home?"

"You're all good to go."

"Thanks, okay, let's go."

He shoved the photo into his back pocket, speed-walking to the ER doors.

"Jesus christ Jesse, slow down." Aaron T. jogged to match his pace. "We're in the main parking lot."

Taeyoung's arms slipped around his waist, his chin propped on Jesse's shoulder. "I'm glad you're not hurt."

He took the moment to breathe, to enjoy the intimacy, to dispel some of the tension that he'd held onto. The tedious part was over. He could go home now.

It wasn't going to be as simple as going straight to bed though. From the way Robaire was looking at him, he had a feeling he was in for a load as soon as he got settled.

"How about." Aaron T. got in the driver's seat. "I drive."

"I call shotgun!" Taeyoung reached for the passenger door.

"No you don't." Aaron Z. shoved his way in. "Jesse has been in enough accidents today. The two of you will not be in the front together."

Jesse slipped into the backseat, scooting over so that he was in the middle.

They drove in silence for a while, with nothing but the radio and the drum of the air conditioning. The car was stuffy, the tension thickening the air so much that Jesse found it hard to breathe.

"You said it was a deer?" Robaire spoke up suddenly.

"Mhm."

More silence, at least one song's worth.

"That photo..."

Jesse shut his eyes to hide that he was rolling them. "It wasn't that bad."

"That was bad. That was really bad."

"I was there, I can guarantee you that it wasn't."

"Can we save this for when I'm not driving?" He met Aaron T.'s eyes through the rear-view mirror. "I feel like it's bad juju to talk about car crashes when you're in a moving vehicle."

"I wanna see the photo." Taeyoung complained.

Robaire slumped back into his seat. "No you don't, not if you want to sleep tonight."

"Was it really that bad?"

"Hello, still driving."

"No, it wasn't," Jesse said, "Ro, can we drop it?"

"I don't—"

"Please?"

They made eye contact.

"We'll talk about it more at home."

"Can we stop for food?" Aaron Z. asked. Robaire started to disagree, but he interrupted him. "I wasn't asking you."

"Oh my god." Taeyoung ran his hands through his hair. "If you don't stop going at each other's throats I'm gonna jump out of the car."

Aaron T. scoffed. "Amen."

"I don't want this to turn into a fight," Jesse put out.

"Is McDonald's okay? It might be the only thing open right now."

"Yeah, that's fine."

Robaire sighed, shutting his eyes and leaning his head against the window. "I'm sorry, I'm still processing. I shouldn't snap."

Guilt twisted in Jesse's abdomen. "No, I'm sorry, I know this kind of thing is really stressful for you. We'll get into it properly at home."

"Are you sure?"

They pulled into the McDonald's drive-thru.

"I'm sure."

"Z., what do you want?"

"Just some fries please."

"Anyone else?"

"I'm okay, I've been snacking since my session ended." Taeyoung said.

Robaire nodded. "I'm good."

"Jesse?"

"I'll eat at home."

"Mkay." He sounded like he didn't believe him.

"Hello, welcome to McDonald's, what can I get started for you today?"

"Hi! Could I get two large fries and a chicken nugget happy meal please?"

"Alright, and what sauce for the nuggets?"

Aaron T. turned in his seat. "Jesse?"

"Me?"

"Yea, they're for you, what sauce?"

"Uh, sweet and sour?"

He turned back. "Sweet and sour please."

"And the drink?"

Jesse put on an annoyed expression, but Aaron clearly wasn't buying it. "Your drink, sir?"

"Sprite, please."

"Sprite."

"Alright! Is that everything for you today?"

"Yup, that's everything."

"Your total is $7.17 at the first window."

"Thank you!"

"Have a good day."

As soon as they started driving again, Jesse leaned forward to slap Aaron T. on the shoulder. "A happy meal? Really?"

"Oi! Don't pretend you didn't get excited the last time I bought you a happy meal."

Jesse gaped. "Oi? Seriously, where are you picking up this new slang from?"

After getting their food, it was a straight shot home. Taeyoung insisted that Jesse check what toy he got, and had been fiddling with the plastic Snow White keychain since he handed it over. By the time they got out of the car, he'd attached it to the collar of his shirt. Jesse thought it was cute.

After a day like the one he'd had, home sweet home took on a new meaning. He practically collapsed onto the couch, the happy meal box abandoned on the coffee table as he threw his arms around one of the decorative pillows.

"It is so good to be home." He breathed it in.

The other boys moved around each other in the well practised dance of bringing the apartment back to life. Lights turned on, kitchen cupboards opened, the sliding glass door to the balcony opened, curtains were drawn, and finally, they all sat.

Aaron Z. discarded the happy meal box, emptying the contents onto a lunch-sized plate and handing the fine cuisine to Jesse. He blindly took a nugget.

"So," Robaire said.

"It really wasn't that bad."

"Jesse—"

"Please just, let me say my piece, and then whatever."

Everyone watched him. He took that as his cue to continue.

"I know the picture looked bad, and there's no way that car is ever hitting the road again, but from the inside? It was fine. I was, I am fine. Honest to god the only thing I was worried about was worrying all of you. I saw a deer, I swerved to avoid it, I ended up in a ditch, and I'm fine."

"Can I see the picture?" Taeyoung asked again.

He hesitated, looking to Robaire for his opinion.

"If he wants to." Robaire shrugged. "Better than letting his imagination run wild."

He fished the folded paper out of his pocket and tossed it to Taeyoung. He opened it, and the colour drained from his face.

"That is not a minor car accident."

"Let me see." Aaron T. clambered over. "Holy shit. Dude, how are you alive?"

"It wasn't—"

"—That bad, no, that is bad. That photo is horrific."

"Pass it over," Aaron Z. said.

He groaned, shoving his face back into the pillow. "It's done now. It happened, and it's done."

"I don't think that's true." Robaire stole one of the fries off Jesse's plate.

"What a surprise."

"You're smart enough to know how close you came to hitting that pole head on. Don't tell me that doesn't affect you at all."

"I was in that car, not you. You don't get to tell me what I should or shouldn't be feeling."

"I'm just—"

"I know! You're our leader, but you're not responsible for us. You're gonna drive yourself crazy if you make it your problem whenever one of us does something stupid."

His eyes narrowed. "This isn't about me."

"Oh yeah? Then listen to me."

"I'm listening."

"The crash wasn't that bad. It was annoying. It's annoying that they made me go to the hospital, and it's annoying that you aren't believing me when I say that I'm fine."

"Your car crashed."

"Not this again." He pulled his head back out of the pillow to glare at Robaire.

"You could have gotten really hurt."

"I didn't."

"You could have died Jesse." He couldn’t come up with a response, not before Robaire continued. "You lost the privilege to do stupid shit when you joined this band."

"Respectfully." Jesse glared. "I could care less about what my contract says right now."

"It's not about your contract, it's about you swerving into ditches and hitting poles."

"Jesus Christ, it was one time."

"One time that could have killed you."

"Oh my fucking God, let it go."

"I need you alive Jesse. I—"

Jesse's breath latched onto the back of his throat. He nearly choked on it. Robaire took in a shaky breath of his own, pausing briefly before continuing, his voice thick.

"Need you."

"Ro—"

"Like it or not, I care about you. We all do. Being in 4*Town means you don't get to put yourself in situations where we might lose you."

"I'm sorry."

"Just." He sighed. "Tell me it was worth it.”

"It was."

"And you’re okay?"

"I’m okay."

"Okay."

Aaron T. shifted, nervous tension evident in his brows. "So much for not arguing."

"It might have been warranted." Jesse tried to laugh it off. "The photo does make it look pretty bad, I just, it didn't feel like life or death, it just kinda sucked."

Taeyoung looked at him with wilty eyes. "I don't think I could be okay after something like that."

In all fairness, Taeyoung's emotional intelligence was much higher than Jesse's. Maybe he wasn't okay. Maybe he just hadn't realised it yet. The expectation was too much though. Some stubborn part of his brain wouldn't let him give into Robaire's stupid comforting face, or Taeyoung's sad, inviting eyes. He didn't feel like he needed to. He wasn't hurt enough to warrant an argument, or whatever this weird intervention was. He wasn't hurt at all. He wasn't afraid, or overly aware of his mortality, or anything that you were supposed to feel after a car accident. He was fine. He felt fine, so he was fine, right?

He wasn't trying to wrangle his emotions back into their ill-sized bottle, he'd never opened the bottle in the first place. He'd felt nothing.

Nothing but annoyed, that is.

But they didn't believe him, and now there was some expectation that he'd eventually come around and give them something. Some kind of admission fee to the 'I have normal human emotions' club. Some uncomfortable, too tight turtleneck that pressed into his neck just enough to feel like he was choking slightly. They'd expect him to cry, or to yell, or to fall to pieces, and then they'd comfort him. The comfort would be good.

He hated that he was too stubborn to let them help. He hated that he couldn't figure out what he wanted comfort for. He just wanted it.

God, he was spiralling.

As soon as he had the conscious thought, he snapped out of it. He was being ridiculous. If there was one thing that the boys told each other over and over again, it was that they didn't need to be broken, or at rock bottom, or going through the worst moment of their life to deserve support. All he had to do was ask. It's not like that was hard, totally not incredibly difficult or anything. His stubborn ass sure thought so.

"I feel like I should've been afraid," he admitted, "and it really scares me that I wasn't."

The mood shifted, and a wave of anxious pain washed through his muscles. Everyone was looking at him again. He saw their relief. He wished he could share in it.

"This all just happened." Taeyoung stole Jesse's safety decorative pillow, leaving him with nothing to do with his hands. "You're home now, and you'll start coming down from it, and maybe you'll feel things and maybe you won't. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. You don't get to choose how you process the stuff that happens to you, not the pace, not the intensity, none of it. Your brain is smarter than it lets you know, you have to trust it to know what you need, even if you don't think you do."

"What if I'm doing something bad, like bottling stuff up, and I don't know it?"

"There's no way to know for sure, but if you are? I'll be here when you're ready to let them out."

"Aye aye," Aaron T. chimed in, "me too."

Jesse fixed him a weird look. "Pirate talk now?"

"Rebranding. Gonna go by Aaron P."

"P?" Aaron Z. blinked. "The press will eat you alive."

"Aaron P. for Aaron Press Master. They'll love me so much they'll forget to make jokes."

"I thought P. was for pirate."

"That too. There are many good things that start with P."

"I really am sorry Ro, for crashing, for this, for everything."

"I'm really just glad you're okay."

A small smile toyed at his lips. "Me too."

***

His bed was heaven. He laid face down, arms and legs spread in full starfish as he sank into his mattress. Every ounce of stress in his body fled as he succumbed to the world's most comfortable spot.

After chowing down and watching some TV, Jesse had retreated to his room, and man, he was glad to be there. He had some internalising to do, but that was a tomorrow issue. For now? He was going to sleep.

Jesse put a lot of emphasis on sleep. He valued the hours that he got to unwind, the way it lifted the heaviness of everything that happened that day, the way he didn't owe the moment anything.

He ended up getting up again to shut the lights off, and slip under the covers. He slept with two pillows, one under his head and one lengthwise on the side of his bed closest to the door. The second pillow was the secret to making his bed so comfortable. No matter what position he slept in, that pillow enhanced it. Tonight was 'sleep with his back to pillow #2' kinda night, he discovered quickly.

As soon as he was comfortable, his mind started to drift. He thought about Amanda, and wondered if maybe he should call her to let her know that he was okay. Was that something he was supposed to do?

He thought about the ER, and his reflection, his slightly fluffed, but still normal hair, his makeup-less face, his eyes especially, void of any worry or pain. He wondered what the other members had seen when they walked into the private room.

What about in the car? What had Amanda seen? It must have been different from the Jesse on the cover of their CD's, or the Jesse from their music videos. Was car crash Jesse more honest than that?

God, the car crash.

The deer, its wide, scared eyes as Jesse mindlessly hurtled toward it. He saw that again. His mind's eye was as vivid as ever, playing the crash again in slow motion like something a shitty director would put in their movie. He felt his seatbelt yank him back into his seat, he felt the airbag explode outwards, he felt the car stop.

Even once everything was frozen, he could hear the metal screeching. He waited for something to move again.

His face hurt a lot, but it was deeper this time, somewhere within the tissues of his cheeks. He tried to wipe the blood from nose away again, only to find tears when he pulled his hand away.

He waited, holding onto anything he could get his hands on. He waited for an impact, for something to happen so that he could stop dreading it. It was like he was in the air, falling, and waiting to hit a ground that he couldn't see.

The anxiety of it all was so bad he thought he was gonna shatter.

So much for not feeling anything. He had the audacity to laugh. He hoped whatever divine force had put that deer in front of him was happy, now that he was living through the accident again with regular car crash pains included, and then some.

Why was his dad trying to come back?

Why now? Why was Jesse so upset about it? It's not like he'd hurt him. It's not like he left.

And he was back home, a teenager all over again. His report card was on the counter, his backpack over his shoulder. His wallet was heavy in his pocket.

Within a moment, he was running. The day was cruel in how beautiful it was, not unlike the sun setting on the road back from his sister's house. There were no clouds, no shelter from the heat, no shadows to stop and catch his breath in, not until he reached the train station.

There was his father, disappointed, holding his college acceptance letter.

The rest of the train station vanished, leaving just him and his dad.

A vase smashed. It sounded like metal.

And he was back, frozen in his car, waiting for something to happen.

"It's okay, you're okay."

Whose voice was that?

"Just breathe, you're safe."

He was suddenly aware of a set of arms, one wrapped around his side and the other combing through his hair.

"You're home, and you're safe." It was Aaron Z.

He caught glimpses of his room again, glimpses that he desperately tried to hold on to. They were slippery, fading not back to the crash, but to wherever he went when he zoned out.

He focused hard on the feeling of Aaron Z. next to him, the way the bed felt different with the weight of another person, the slow, methodical movement of the hand tasked with messing up Jesse's hair, and even more importantly, his smell.

Privately, he wondered if Aaron Z. had put cologne on just to come cuddle. He'd ask him about that later.

Regardless, he smelled good, and even more notably he smelled like himself, which was wildly grounding. He breathed the scent in and out, until he wasn't fighting to keep himself in reality.

"Wha—" He was strangely out of breath.

"Welcome back."

"What was that?"

"I don't," he paused, "I don't know. A panic attack?"

"I think I just time travelled."

"A flashback?"

"I guess."

"Are you okay?"

Was he? Probably not. Okay people don't have flashbacks, not outside of movies.

"I don't... I don't think so."

"Okay."

The hand disappeared from his head, and he turned to face Aaron.

"Thanks, that uh, really helped."

"Whatever you need."

"Can you stay?"

"Of course."

"Literally marry me."

He chuckled softly, adjusting to hold Jesse closer to him. He buried his face into the warmth of his chest.

"Wanna talk about it?"

He hummed. "Wanna sleep."

"Alright, get some sleep."

"You're the best."

His voice was fond. "Goodnight Jesse."

"Goodnight."

He'd be lying if he said he didn't get lost in his thoughts again, but with Aaron Z. there, it was much easier to bring himself back. It took him a while, but sleep finally prodded at his mind, waiting for him to give into it.

Was he coming out of shock? Who knows, but at least it was something. As his consciousness was whisked away, acknowledged that maybe the day wasn't as inconvenient as he thought. For once, the comfort he felt was secure. He believed that, no matter what, that the boy's love for him had no conditions.

He could live with that.

19 notes · View notes