#then I also got very deep into ed behavior which also drains all the energy and personality away

[no-one-hears-me]

I don't understand how people get excited to start college

#even as a freshman I didn't wanna go #i knew it was gonna be rough #and I enjoyed hs ngl. I just knew college was gonna be bad #and it was! hate that place #it literally ruined my personality and I actually am upset about that #I used to be soooo funny and cool. but being absolutely exhausted and miserable constantly drained the life outta me #then I also got very deep into ed behavior which also drains all the energy and personality away #it's weird to talk about ed things bc like. I think of that as a relapse but I never recovered #I have had this for years now and have never stopped. it's still very present #it just doesn't consume me as much at certain times ig. so when it becomes a very big focus I think of it as a relapse #when in reality. my behavior hasnt really changed. I just spend way more time thinking about things #honestly my current situation is worse than it was before. now I'm running more than before while eating less most days #I'm gonna be honest. idk how my body does this #the amount of energy I expend vs the amount I consume. very disproportionate #I also have been sleeping less recently and I normally don't sleep much sooooo that's not great #where is my energy and ability to function coming from? I don't have much to burn up realistically #ALSO idk what I did but I've started feeling genuine hunger for the first time in years #usually what I consider hunger is actually just some sort of sickness/weakness/nausea and pain that lets me know to eat #but a few days ago I actually got hungry. which I did not enjoy but it went away after a little while #idk why that happened #Sera