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2dmenarewonderland · 6 years

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LifeLines. (part 8)

Jessica’s POV

Thrown into a swayed sense of being from the twirling to the dragging, my mind automatically goes toward thinking that I’ve been brought to the hallway of the bar where the bathrooms are because one of the boys needs to go. Needless to say, I’m about to waltz in and check if ny lipsticks still good after losing half of it on the sides of wine glasses I’ve been drinking from all night when Daniel drops a confession or so to speak that I’ve been waiting for a while to hear.

“Perhaps. Who knows. Maybe it’s time for me to move onto something more challenging and fulfilling and not have to act any longer as a work wife.” Using what I’ve just said as the basis of what is next to come, it’s a light peck on Daniel’s cheek which I believe in some what way defines as a kiss before I’m in front of a mirror, impressed with how well this new YSL blood red liptint has managed to stay. Alone; I fall into the trap of over thinking what was just asked and suggested in the game of truth or dare which seems to magically still be going although Daniel hasn’t kept up his part of the bargain and compliment a nice girl on her shoe choice before walking out to find the boys waiting for me.

Mhmmmm, Matt is still attractive. I know exs are exactly that for a reason but… no. Exs are exs for a reason. Shaking the thought away, I’m quick to spot some women standing in a small pact of their own back near the dancefloor exit into this small and narrow hallway and take it in my own stride to suggest what I think should happen next for the night.

“Boys - my bed is definitely calling my name. Screaming actually, I can hear it from here. Perhaps you two should go chat up those women while I go catch a cab back to my place. I’ll see you at work tomorrow Danny. Nice catching up Matt, don’t be a stranger hey.”

Shift and avoid; it’s usually my plan of action when it comes to situations like this when I know I’ve had a little too much to drink. Slowly dragging myself out of the bar, it’s a failed attempt at stopping a cab (almost all of them at this our are full) and instead I begin to start the longer than expected wander home. Ahh heck - my purse isn’t in my hands… maybe one of the boys has it.

Daniel’s POV

Corner of my eyes see the not so amused look on Jessica’s face which lasts only for a split second and wonder how truthful her suggestions mean when she tells us to chat up with one of those women whom she often raises her brows at and constantly complains about my lack of taste- the irony itself nearly makes me lips curl at her own drunken behavior of lighting up the hopes for Ryan Cole before shoving the man away like trash (he already is), not entirely sure what’s worse and in no hurry to find out, I nod and wish my assistant a good night knowing that tomorrow the same old Jess will be back in the office sharp at 7.

“So does she ever talk about me?”

Ah ha, the question of the night finally begins! “No, mate. You know her, she’s not going to admit it even is she misses you.” With a shrug and chuckle, Matt switch from beer to wine.

“True. I like drunk Jessica soooo much more than …. well Jessica.”

For a man who’s gone out with her for years, it does sound a little ruthless but his reasons of staying with her and reasons for breaking it off are not and shall not be any of my interest. Stay out of it is a great motto in life, doesn’t mean he will stop talking though.

“I don’t know how you do it, she whines so much!”

Shrug, scoff, smile it off like any social chit chat I do on a daily basis. “She gets the job done.”

“She’s your babysitter but I don’t want a nanny. I wanted a woman, a loving girlfriend not one who brought work home and talked about her boss 24/7.”

The gentleman like Matt Holland that only exists in the ladies presence begins to peel off his layers of hypocrisy and unmask his true color. “So is she single?”

“Most likely. I think she mentioned she had a date but was too horrible to talk about. Like any guy could stand her job.” I laugh, sensing the presence of the blonde waitress but deliberately not taking her hint. “She’s great at work but I don’t want her blaming me years later for being single.” The rest of she has a choice, she could leave anytime never make it out for Matt to hear because it obviously does not concern him.

“You know what she needs? Some good sex to lay off some steam and stress.”

“Dude, don’t wink at me like that. It’s creepy and if you want to get into her pants, well good luck.” The sober Jess could turn down an ex easily, a drunk version with possibly mixed thoughts after seeing her ex? I’m not too sure, again, STAY OUT OF IT.

“Well well well,” The tone of victory as if he has won because of her left behind purse, it’s a shake of my head and lack of friendly warning that should have been said even in the slightest way. I nod as an answer to Matt’s question about her address that hasn’t changed in 8 years, watching him leave and feeling of a pair of small hands stroking my thighs as greetings, I smile at the blonde who has now finally made a move.

Jessica’s POV

Being caught by none other than Matt at my doorstep, it’s a further than forceful decline which states the boundaries on what is appropriate and acceptable - how he’s acting right now is an absolute no. Whilst I’m in a rather friendly state of mind and being right now, he’s invited in for a drink which I’m aware is not what he’s after once I sober up a little, although his way of speech, behavior and cockiness are all coming across as the old Matt; the Matt I once was inlove with. The Matt I once adored and thought the world of. A wine and laugh and recollection of old memories I’m not sure whether I should or should be having, our night ends with an unexpected yet warm kiss. Something I haven’t experienced in a while and am not ready, in any way for.

“Matty — I… I can’t. It’s, I…”

He’s fast to point out the fact that no one needs to know anything that happens between us and that it could be a sweet rekindle or a little bit of fun. His trademark cheeky smile and eyes tracing the hem of my dress, again I decline his ‘offer’, tired to the point I need to get sleep. Exchanging numbers (not that I couldn’t have gotten it off Daniel), I say a quick goodnight as Matt leaves and I close my front door, resting behind it as I slump to the floor and wonder if for the second time in my life I’ve let a best thing in my life walk straight back out again.

The next morning arrives quicker than expected. Head aching slightly, I’m still in the office at 7am and working flat out to catch up on things I should have completed yesterday. Bad Jess… should have stayed rather than run home; that way things would have been completed and finalized. Drinking tea over coffee with the hopes of flushing out the headache I’ve got, Daniel arriving once again late to work doesn’t help the situation. Remaining quiet for the morning; part in the hopes of a guilt trip and part because I can’t handle the loud noises of people chatting, typing and just in general existing in the office. It takes until almost 4pm for my lunch break to come around finally and for Daniel and I to converse. Everything said is short and sweet.

“I’m off to lunch, want anything?”

Silence.

“How was the rest of the night?”

Silence.

“A heads up to tell me that Matt was heading over to my place would have been appreciated.”

Silence.

“Are you going to talk to me?”

Silence. Nagging. Talking. Acting like a workwife. The constant cycle that I seem to forever be in. Sighing, I’m about to leave and head to lunch before the familiarity of Matt arrives at work and I groan at the company I don’t need. Ugh. Fuck my life. Not acknowledging him and focusing the tinniest bit if concentration on Daniel that I have left, I pull the pen out of his fingers that he’s writing away with, I take a deep breath, straighten my back and manage out with a clear and concise voice…

“Davies, I just want to let you know, first… because of our working relationship that on Monday, I’ll be handing in my two weeks notice which ends the day I fly out to Italy so… it’s probably time you start looking for someone else to handle your drama. Ok.. you two have fun with whatever boy stuff you’re going to get up to —- I’m off to lunch.”

#Jessica who goes to lunch at 4 #jessica jones #daniel davies #rp #role play #closed rp #oc rp #oc role play #original character role play #original character

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lifeunwinds · 6 years

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1/14/18

What’s going on with my life? I’ve lost control. I haven’t left my house in two weeks exactly and most of that’s been in my bed. I would rather sleep because each time I wake up and realize that I’m here I get sadder. I have no desire to do anything and find myself lying in bed for as long as I can each day. I have no passion or will to want to create anything, have no desire to get a deadend job here and every “perfect” plan i’ve had to move away from here continues to crumble. All my money is depleting and I feel like i’m losing time in my life to do anything. I’ve been out of school for almost two years now and I have nothing going for me. Even if I move to LA and try to start a company with Alex, if that fails I feel like I will be in some MAJOR trouble with my mental health.

I’ve felt like this for years but have never really thought about it until i’m in the situation. And I mean that in the way that when I feel really happy and good about life I don’t fear for these sad moments and I think it’s because I never realized that I get to these points. I never realized that I have a problem until I thought about it now. But is it a problem if they are situational problems that lead me into a deep depression, or do I have maniac depression?

I found myself depressed through middle school and high school. The only thing I had to look forward to was getting out of Pennsylvania and pursuing what I wanted to do. Getting my first job at Pizza Hut and making money helped me through my depression because although I had no friends and didn’t hang out with anyone, I at least had something to do and some social interaction. This made me a very hardworking individual because although I didn’t always enjoy the job I worked, I enjoyed the people around me. And having nothing else to do led me to always extending my day and taking peoples shifts and coming in whenever they needed me. Which in return gave me more money to save and made me happier for my future. I became very happy the last six months of my senior year (starting april of 2013) when I cleared my acne, got a new haircut, and created some social media accounts and became more social. I went on the senior trip and had a blast. I even started my “first” relationship. That was the happiest I had ever been in my life up until that point, I felt like I was on top of the world. Then chaos between us happened and with me moving away I ended things. I became very emotional, very sad, and in some ways I changed. I was extremely hurt and after that situation I became less loving and less open.

When I moved to Orlando I was extremely excited, that first month was amazing. Everyone was so cool, open, excited and we were all away from home so we could do whatever we wanted!! IT WAS INSANE. That was the best time ever. For the first two weeks I found myself still sad at night when I had moments to think about my relationship and still not being over her. But it was not as bad as it was before I moved. For the six months I found myself on an incredible high, until however I found myself in a rather upsetting position of confusion about my future. I had started a relationship with my still current girlfriend of 4 years back in November of 2013 and in June of 2014 I started questioning my life, where I would be, where I would end up, where I would go, what I would do. I was only 6 months into college and I was worried about everything. I broke up with my girlfriend out of the fear of what and where my life was going because I wanted a solid single moment to think about everything. And honestly it was a huge mistake. I did not need to leave her to do those things but in my mind I thought I did. I broke up with her the night that we had just gotten home from downtown disney and attending a concert with our friends. How fucked up is that? I couldn’t let her just enjoy the night?? I had mixed emotions and didn’t want to lie to her and make her think everything was okay. But honestly, I should’ve so that I didn’t ruin her night. My feelings could have waited one day tbh. Anyway, I ended things and soon afterwards it was July 4th and my friends and roommates had all left for their week vacation. I decided to stay back to assess my situation and in some ways it was good for me as it allowed some clear alone time, and gave me much time to think. I became very sad about ending my relationship and very jealous as I realized that she was with one of my friends at the time. I started thinking about what it was like without her, and I hated it. I knew I loved her. We got back together soon after and I found myself VERY happy. Aug. 2014 - Aug. 2015 was a very very very good time. That was the best I had ever felt. Being with her and enjoying life could not get any better. But then she graduated and in September of 2015 she moved away to Miami. I became very sad. I had just moved into a new apartment and not having her around led me to become very depressed. This became a dark time in my life. I didn’t hangout with many friends, and a lot of the time I found myself saying no to offers to go to parties, hangout with roommate, or even leave my bedroom at all. I would avoid contact with my roommate altogether if I could some days by faking a phone call just to get to my room or just waiting for them to leave before I went to get something to eat or even leave the house. And sometimes I would leave the house and then try and rush back before he got back home. It was bad. I had also come from a time of avoiding my roommates back in my last apartment because two of them were weird afff. But the only time I found myself happy is either when I was visiting her or hanging out with friends after school. I started to become more social with my friends and we started to soon create a tight bond. We started hanging more and more and my happiness grew. I became in a very bad situation again when I had gone through a long distance pregnancy scare with my girlfriend while in a very stressful situation in school for my class. It was very bad timing and I had been to the point of crying in the shower. I got through it with support from my friend and the happiness game became back at an all time high. I graduated September 2016 and this is when everything would change.

I had a plan with my friend to move to New York city. My girlfriend had moved there with his sister a few months back and my friend and I had visited in July of 2016. It was a great time. Although things were different between my girlfriend and I as we were changing people it was still very nice to see her. Fast forward to graduation and I hadn’t been able to commit to moving to NY because my girlfriend said her sister might relocate to LA and she might move with her. I really did NOT want this to happen because it would ruin everything. The plan I had with my friend would fall through, which is why I said I couldn’t commit at the moment. (It had nothing to do with money, I had that saved and ready, I was just waiting because I didn’t want to be away from my girlfriend.) So I moved back home in PA until I could figure out a plan. The first week of October the day after graduating I got on a flight with my parents and visited my grandfather in Dallas as he wasn’t doing very well. It was a good time getting to see family and spending a week with my parents especially. It felt like a mini vacation with family I hadn’t seen in a very long time. I was at a high, I was very happy. When we had arrived back home I started to apply to some local film jobs submitting my resume everywhere I could. My aunt had then passed away a week later and it was a sad time for the family. My grandmother (other side of family) who had attended the funeral had started to slowly decline in health. I remember telling her that my girlfriend was coming for our anniversary the next month (Nov. 2016) and that i’d love for her and my aunts to meet her over dinner. She said that would be lovely and we had a plan to have dinner at her house. She began to decline in health very quickly and by the time my girlfriend came was on her deathbed. It was a very hard time, I am rather happy thought that she was able to meet my girlfriend. When she passed the whole family had taken it hard. It was very sad, I was sad. I had continued looking for jobs but kept getting no’s. Out of pressure for feeling like I wasn’t doing enough, I took a job at a hotel that my cousin had offered to me and stopped my search for film work. This would go on to become a very bad time. I started there the second week of Dec. 2016 and had a plan to visit my friend and girlfriend in NYC over new years. I went on that trip and was very happy. When I came back around the second week of Jan. 2017 My grandfather had declined in health and my mother, sister and I went to Dallas to visit him. My girlfriend had also moved to LA this time as well. He had passed away through one of the nights we were there but I was very happy to have been there to see him before he passed away. It was a very sad time for me and my family. I had issues with my work over this situation and work became to be very repetitive and scary. I was a night auditor for a hotel and was awake working by myself there 11pm - 7am sleeping during the day and working with very sketchy people in charge of the entire hotel by myself, alone at 21. It was a learning experience for sure, but definitely not a job I wanted to keep. I found myself very depressed again so I quit the job in April 2017 and went on to focus my time into film again. For the month of May I spent my time updating my resume and sending out applications. (not many, as I felt like I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go.) The next month in June 2017 I went on a family vacation to the D.R. and I had upgraded my equipment to a 5D mark iv and go pro 5. I was very excited! I was back to a high!! We had a blast of a time. Then I decided to visit my girlfriend in LA since we hadn’t seen each other in six months since January. That trip changed my outlook on life, I had a wonderful time and wanted to live there. I developed a plan with two of my friends that were there to find an apartment since they were already looking and I got my girlfriend on board too. The next month (Aug. 2017) I got an offer from a friend to fly out and work alongside him, so of course I did. It was a great time!! I had a blast and had worked 4 12 hour days straight. I felt so great because that’s the first time I worked in film since I graduated (almost a year exactly!!!). I then came back in Sept. 2017 and I tried to find a way to move there. This was my new mission. During which I gotten some freelance gigs. My one friend and girlfriend had both flaked on moving but I still had my other friend. By Oct. 2017 she had found someone else interested and I found a friend as well so we could get a 2 bed place. In Nov. 2017 My girlfriend came up for a wedding in the family in Virginia and I flew down with her to LA because I had a gig with a friend in Mexico for a week!! Now this was a trip of a lifetime, I had such a fucking phenomenal time. I was at an extreme high. I then was back in LA to celebrate my anniversary with my girlfriend and then fly back to PA. For the remaining month of Dec. 2017 I fell into a depression again. It was cold and icy and afraid to drive in the snow I didn’t leave the house. Christmas came, New Years came, Jenny’s birthday came, and I didn’t manage to make it out to see her. We have been face-timing/calling each other but it’s not the same. Dec. 31st 2017 I had messaged the group that we were looking for apartments with and two of them had flaked and already gotten an apartment. That leaves me with one person left and he wants to move to Atlanta instead. There is no 100% saying he will but if everything there is better for him I don’t want to force him to move to LA just for me. This has made me VERY depressed and to the point of not wanting to get out of bed because I feel like every option I have left is a failure and at this point i’m just done altogether. It’s veery frustrating for me to have gone through this several times and have it fail. I don’t know what else is left to do or what will happen, but if I don’t get to LA or leave this state soon I WILL GO MORE INSANE THAN I’VE BECOME.

I hope everything works out, but if there’s one thing i’ve learned since graduating, that’s not going to fucking happen.

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