#thinking about how bad my burnout is is making me super depressed ngl.. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

summerpoison · 2 years

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Whining under the cut. Burnout, depression, super high anxiety.

Things were fine a week ago at the end of September, but now that October came around I’ve been a mess. Work has been going great generally, but I feel panicky and struggle with prioritizing.

Was so close to applying for therapy last month or so but didn’t do it (”””because it wasn’t bad enough””” to be important enough to take the time out to do it) and now that’s biting me in the butt. VERY certain I have ADHD or trauma-related ADHD symptoms and should definitely get diagnosed.

Anxiety got so bad I had a panic attack on saturday because I thought I didn’t book a Hotel (I did, everything was fine), ex was (to no one’s suprise) not very understanding but kind of weirded out by it and then teased me about it the next day like “Oh, and by the way, did you book that hotel??” My guy stfu please and thank you. Depression and burnout going hand in hand, no energy whatsoever, only guilt and the inability to rest. I’m constantly thinking about to-do’s and my heart is racing for no reason (there is a reason, it’s called stress) and jfc I get so self-concious about the stress that it turns into being stressed about the stress!!! Like, my body is literally freaking out (I’m pretty sure I’ve had a stress fever the last couple days) and not to mention all the side-symptoms like my skin-picking getting worse or my lack of appetite/lack of interest. A few things holding me over the water but fuck I’m a mess lately -- and so is my apartment. Ngl it’s so bad and it’s making everything else worse, you know? If I’d only be depressed in a clean apartment than it would be easier to handle but no. Dirty dishes everywhere, plants close to dying, some already died (not the ones I care about thankfully) and the floor... let’s not talk about the floor lmao. Personal hygine is... okay I guess, I take showers regularly and wash my hair even if I sometimes don’t brush it and only put it into a messy bun (sidenote hair loss!! Either I’m freakying out over nothing or I legit have stress related hairloss because I can just run my hand OVER MY HEAD and have like 2-4 hairs in my hand immediately even after a shower and even after brushing so???) Also brushing my teeth is an issue but I try to at least chew some gum or something but last time I didn’t brush my teeth for a week I think? And when I told my ex I’d be in the bathroom to brush them he was so surprised and kinda weird about it like “Well, I don’t know why you suddenly have to brush your teeth but fine I guess??” MY GUY HOW ABOUT YOU STOP COMMENTING ON MY SHIT JESUS CHRIST it’s bad enough I can’t go anyway IN THE HOUSE without him going “Where are you going?? Why?? Why again? You just went to XYZ” like LEAVE ME TF ALONE So yeah. I’ll try to kinda get through the week and pull myself out even though I feel like reverting back to snail and isolating in solitary confinement where some entity feeds me three times a day and makes sure I drink enough so my body doesn’t give up on me. Yes I’m thinking about both a clinic and subspace. Maybe if I could just stop thinking for a while I might calm down but well. Can’t have everything can we. I’m so fed up with my own shit, that I’m letting this stuff happen to me and that I’m bottling up so many of those things and god it’s about to blow up in my face I can just tell. I’ll keep you all updated as things progress.

#mot

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