#this is for the 'lesbians are more radical bc they reject men' and 'bi women are more radical bc they transcend gender' crowds

[agrarianradfem]

hey

i wanna be a proud radical feminist but i feel like that would force me to reject trans ppl and that would essentially make my life hell bc ive seen the shit they do ppl they disagree with

ive read all this shit about how terfs are a hate group and think men bad women good and are racist and colonialist and shit and it makes me think twice bc i don’t wanna be part of a legit hate group but i also dont wanna be part of a group of ppl who say “thats so gender” when they see a haircut they like and i definitely dont want to be part of the right like at all

am i a nazi for believing elliott page is still a woman? am i fucking crazy? like ive been having legit mental breakdowns over this and secretly reading terf groups at night for weeks now and now whenever i see a trans person i freak the fuck out on the inside and sometimes i start hyperventilating and i see them fucking everywhere bc i live on a college campus

i tried to bring it up with my counselor like “i don’t really get trans ppl and i dunno what to do about it” and shes like “me neither” but thats all it has ever been bc im scared im gonna be wrong and bad if i say more

i was a huge fucking hp fan as a kid and my mom gave me a hogwarts mug for christmas and i cant even look at it bc i just think of jkr and what happened to her

pls help me im so sorry for dumping on u

My first question is: what do you mean by proud? Do you envision yourself wearing tshirts with phrases like "The y chromosome is a defect" out in public? Because while such shirts might be funny (and fun to wear among friends), that's not what it is to be a radical feminist. Neither is posting radfem quotes to your public facebook or instagram, or anything else publicly confrontational. Instead, being a proud radical feminist is spending your time helping women. I like volunteering for food pantries/food banks/food rescues. Women and children are the most likely to be food insecure, so helping with food distribution fits well for me. But maybe something else is closer to your heart - like domestic violence shelters, rape crisis hotlines, mentoring female children, etc. Alternatively you could go into a job that helps women, like social work or medicine. Or you could become a foster parent who takes in girls, become a child advocate or doula. None of direct action really requires anything to do with trans anything. The number of trans people you'll run into is relatively small, and you're helping women and girls no matter how they feel (and people deserve to be helped anyway). I don't care if a trans woman comes for a food pantry volunteer position, or to pick up food at a distribution event. I'm not there to decide who is 'worthy' of giving their time or receiving help. And none of that is publicly confrontational like pins, shirts, and social media is. You do have a problem with trans people, clearly, since you're having psychological distress just at seeing someone who is or reads to you as trans. You've got to work on that. You cannot dictate the actions of others. And it's straight unhealthy to freak out at just seeing someone walking around minding their own business on campus. Students trying to get a speaker banned for transphobia is a problem, your dormmate from another floor walking to class is not a problem. You aren't a bad person for recognizing that Page and other trans people remain their biological sex, or believing that trans identity is a harmful backlash against feminism, or that porn is driving a lot of male transition, or that homophobia (for lesbians/bi women) is a driving force of transition. This is just recognizing the immutable fact of biological sex. Feeling bad for this recognition is something to work on - it's tied to women feeling guilt for every little thing. Let go of your guilt. My advice: LOG OFF. Reading radfem posts online is causing you real problems, and making you distressed about random people. Not good. Take a break. Realizing something is harmful for you, or that you have a limit that you've crossed is an important aspect of growing up and coming of age. Part of being mature is realizing what your limits are. And congrats, you've found a limit. You need to spend time reconnecting with the real world. Treat this like a good thing, something you've discovered about yourself that you now know going forward. Working on healing from this internet overload is a sign of maturity. Log off. Second: Do something directly useful that is meaningful to you. Ask other students for volunteer opportunities. Ask your counselor. Google for your area. See if there's an office for volunteering that can help you. This is related to logging off in that it reduces that amount of time you can spend online, and also introduces you to more people in real life. This helps develop nuance in your actions with others. Expands your understanding of where other people are coming from. And hopefully you can make some more friends. Be proud to be a feminist by helping women. Third: This is the hardest thing for many women: let go of your guilt and strengthen your backbone. Don't be afraid to be disliked. You aren't going to be able to please everybody. Enjoy your HP mug and if someone says something snide just say that the books were important to you and still are. Don't apologize for yourself. Don't feel guilt that you aren't living up to someone else's idea of what you should think about something.

And work on not imagining that everyone is watching you and trying to monitor your thoughts. That way lies serious paranoia. If no one says something to you, no one cares. Imagining the anger/disappointment/etc of others towards you is harmful behavior - you can't read minds. When you've healed, you can set boundaries and re-engage with some radical feminist literature. But I'd say give yourself AT LEAST 6 months away. And then really consider if it's going to be healthy for you to return or not. And if you do decide to return, engage not with twitter/tumblr/facebook/instagram, but with actual texts. Read Woman Hating. Read Invisible Women. Read a book about women in your field of interest. Texts that aren't just concerned with trans identity. You would have to build an understanding of radical feminism outside of transness, because no only is radical feminism about far more than trans identity, but without a foundational understanding of where radical feminism is coming from you can more easily once again fall down the rabbit hole into thinking that trans identity is the only thing that matters, etc. Delete your tumblr, your twitter. Lose your login info for your social media. As condescending as it can sound, it's nonetheless good advice: Go outside.

#don't take don't be afraid to be disliked as 'pick fights with as many people as you can' #it means don't bend yourself into knots to please people

[lovenotesuggestions]

Is there a way you could tell me all of the 'names' for exclusionist people? Like terfs, or people who think you need dysphoria to be trans (I don't remember the name ;_;) I want to be as inclusive as possible, and thus wanna read and learn more about exclusionists. You're very knowledgeable about the LGBTQIA+ community from what I've seen, at least a lot more than I am, so I figured you'd know at least some of them. I also wanna make it clear who to put on DNI list for my blog.

Thank you for thinking of me to ask, and for trying to educate yourself! Off the top of my head, the main things I can think of to look out for are:

TERFs sometimes also go by ‘gender realists’ or ‘gender critical’ - they’re more likely to self-identify as terms like those rather than as TERFs because they consider it a slur (it’s not). Also look out for people with things like XX or ‘adult human female’ in their bios or usernames - it’s TERF shorthand for identifying themselves as ‘real’ women. You may also see the term TWERF - trans women exclusionary reactionary feminism. Some people interpret the R to stand for radical, but reactionary is more accurate. 

The folks you’re thinking of who think you need dysphoria to be trans are called truscum or transmedicalists. On twitter especially you often see them with crossed sword emojis or lightning emojis in their usernames/bio, which they use to indicate themselves as fans of K/alvin G/arrah (censored bc he and his fans tend to namesearch him to harass people who call him on his shit) or storm ryan, who are two particularly virulent truscum youtubers. Ofc not everyone with these emojis are people like these, esp with the new pokémon game that just got announced, but I tend to be cautious of it. 

People who exclude ace and aro folks don’t tend to have a specific name - they tend to self-identify as ace exclusionist, though some self-identify as aphobes (which like... blows my mind when they claim to just not think aces/aros are LGBTQ+, but are happy to call themselves openly discriminatory and hateful towards ppl for having an orientation?? anyway that’s a can of worms for another day). They usually only refer to themselves as ace exclusionist, but this also extends to aro folks too. 

Not specifically LGBTQIA+ related, but it’s also worth looking out for SWERFs, which stands for sex worker exclusionary reactionary feminists, whose feminism opposes sex work and opposes legalisation of sex work (particularly full service sex work, which is the preferred way to refer to prostitution) despite evidence that criminalisation of sex work actively harms sex workers, who are disproportionately poor, POC, and LGBTQIA+. 

There don’t seem to be any other exclusionist ideologies with specific names (at least not that I’m aware of), but some other common ones to point out are:

non-binary exclusionists, who don’t believe non-binary genders are real (sometimes referred to as exorsexists, which is a name for the specific type of transphobia experienced by non-binary people) or who gatekeep the way n-b people behave, i.e. who say n-b people can’t identify as gay or lesbian, can’t use he/him or she/her pronouns, can’t use neopronouns, can’t medically transition, can’t present in a masculine or feminine way, can’t have typically masculine or feminine gendered names, etc. 

people who don’t believe pansexuality is a valid orientation (who think it’s just bisexual for people who want to be special, or who believe it’s inherently transphobic due to a misconception that bi = attracted to cis men and women and pan = attracted to cis and trans men and women, when actually bi = attraction to two or more genders, and pan = attraction to all/regardless of gender - whether or not the people in question are trans doesn’t play into it). 

There are even still people who don’t think trans or bi people should be included in the LGBTQ+ community, even though it was a bi woman who organised the first pride parade, and trans women of colour who were instrumental in the Stonewall riots. 

There are also a few particular brands of lesbophobia becoming louder recently, including but not limited to: people who assume all/most lesbians are TERFs or aphobes due to an unfortunate minority of vocal lesbians with these views, people who think lesbians can’t be non-binary, and people who don’t think lesbians can use he/him or they/them pronouns. 

People who don’t believe others should identify as queer or use/reclaim the term. 

If anyone thinks of anything I’ve missed anything off, please let me know! Also, if anyone has any additional good-faith questions, like what particular terms might mean or what I might be referring to at certain points, then feel free to ask them!

Pre-emptive note: This blog firmly believes in the inclusive nature of the LGBTQIA+ community - the history of our movement is based on inclusiveness and unity between the different groups marginalised for not conforming to cisheteronormative standards, and exclusionism has always been a bad thing for us - it’s the thing that made lesbians, bi folks, and trans folks have to fight to be included in the acronym, even though they were the founders of the rights movement. My LGBTQIA+ community is for anyone who isn’t cisgender, heterosexual, heteroromantic, and perisex and who wants to be a part of it. Policing people’s presentation and the way they go about expressing themselves in a world that tries to quash our self-expression is not part of the spirit of the movement that is supposed to celebrate diversity and non-conformity. People being themselves doesn’t make the community ‘look bad’ or justify homophobia or transphobia - the people to blame for discrimination are the discriminators, not the people being discriminated against for rejecting toxic respectability politics. I will not be responding to any discourse on this matter - y’all know where the unfollow button is. Keep it out of the replies and out of my inbox and generally away from me.

#long post #not a suggestion #negative / #homophobia / #transphobia / #queerphobia / #Anonymous #answered

[warmbeebosoftbeebo]

I’m dehydrated and you’re one of my faves. Where did ya go?!

been here, falling hopelessly behind on posts, both my own n others. i did just do a bden’s booty post with brallon, vices era that’s quite…uh…educational. yeah, educational.

i’ve been reading on orgasm gap research between het women, bi women, lesbians, gay men, bi men, straight men too. you know something is profoundly wrong with our (cultural) definition of sex when researchers and laypeople can say straights have more sex than lesbians, who supposedly have the least, but straight women only average 7 orgasms a *month* while lesbians average 55 monthly, more than anyone else. *x-files music with gillian anderson quoting some piv & porn-critique*

i wondered something the other day: imagine if only people who really liked women and wanted to just show people having a great time sexually made sexual material? bc most porn is so clearly “women are trash/cum dumpsters/whores/cunts so let’s hurt and humilate them” i’m astonished most people can’t see it. (it’s amazing how common women’s faces are visibly distressed, in pain, etc, and this is either irrelevant or the whole damn point.)

i’ve also had so many dirty thoughts about b i can’t even… like outercourse/tribadism/frottage are criminally underrated–been thinking lots lately about that with b (not that i don’t do that usually haha). am also working on a part two of bden’s tongue–that man’s so oral n his mouth generally is just… so sexy n ridiculous at the same time? how does he manage to get me thinking these filthy thoughts about his mouth on me, esp on my vulva, when being a complete goober with his lips and/or tongue? fucking houdini. (he’s my favouriteeee. precious lil boob) also, how is my life now in significant part “contemplating” him having a smaller than average dick. (bden has a small peepee ok peeps? on what planet does he have a bigger than average one? bc it ain’t earth.) god, i wanna touch that man’s dick, feel it in my hands n in my mouth n between my thighs n between my labia n on my clit n dsfkldfskl;dfskl;dsf

i’ve also been thinking of doing an imagine with a trans character, esp since it’s been requested a couple times, but was thinking of doing one with one who was starting to desist/recently desisted. i don’t consider myself a desister bc i never took steps to transition medically, and was never publicly socially out, due in large part to my environment (structural feminism, livejournal vs tumblr, my mom & her own history, knowing my brother had also been trans when younger than me for a few years and desisted, eg he used to steal my underwear n menstrual pads to wear them, wished he was female, wished there was a magic way to become one), but from 12-16 i was trans (intensely wished i was a gay man, contemplated medical transition sometimes, had a vivid fantasy life of being a gay man, wrote about being a gay man, i still to this damn day get dysphoric/anxious/panicked/distressed at the idea of wearing a dress or skirt in spite of my trying to rationalize it away, etc). given tumblr, being born later in the age of lupron for preadolescents n medically transitioning adolescents, no radical and other structural feminism (eg shere hite, kate millett, audre lorde, dworkin, alice walker) my life would’ve turned out very different. 

i would be super interested in talking with someone(s) who wanted to look at ideas around an imagine with bxreader with that, like struggling with seeing one’s body as female, having genitalia being called vulva/cunt/pussy/etc, wondering how to be seen as a person while being female during sex–i think a lot of what drives the fact that 70-80% of young trans are females who identify as male/nonbinary/etc, and what drove it in part for me, was rejection of porn culture/pornification/women being seen as holes for males, and not wanting to be treated like women in porn & mainstream culture (which is pretty much the current softcore porn and softcore virtually isn’t actually made anymore by pornographers) are treated, combined with how completely Barbified teen girls, 20something and 30something women in mainstream culture are, with a few rare exceptions for older women like Ellen (who are generally not seen as sexual but only funny, talented, etc). (asperger’s, anxiety & depression, eating disorders/disordered eating (anxiety n disordered eating also played a role for me), same sex attraction & lesbians being seen as boring and so last century at best, and evil oppressors at worst who are treated incredibly poorly by others, inc "the queer community" or being redefined out of existence are some other issues at play.) i’d love to hear from desisters and people contemplating desisting in particular, but others are welcome to chime in around these themes.

bden’s own history with “crossdressing” and the dress-up box (from about 6 on thru adulthood–he’s spoken repeatedly about wearing his mom’s clothes n heels n his sister’s cheerleader uniform, would wear his mom’s jeans all the time from 13 on, and even in fever era wore whole outfits from the women’s section), wrapping curtains around his waist to be a dress at 5, playing female roles in family plays, wanting to sound like female singers like gwen stefani, carly simon n beyonce n not like a man, etc could also be interesting to look at. b’s family being strict/traditional mormons kind of boggles my mind, bc they seemed to have left him to it, n he was (and still is) a big momma’s boy. like you can tell boyd loves his son but have you seen that man’s political views on twitter? omfg. i imagine he bit his tongue a lot around his youngest, and i wonder if b’s gender nonconformity played a role in b’s brothers coming to live with them (b, his 2 sisters, mom, dad) when he was 8. i bet grace (mom) stood up for him a lot, n that b was more feminine than his sisters (altho for sure there’d be a lot of shared interests with plays, the dress up box, n such).