#this took me like 3min IM AT WORK

[selfcareparker]

okay fghsgdj yes you can say girl ! my pronouns are she/her :) okay but fr pause, i read this like 3 minutes after you posted it (or at least my notif said 3mins lmao) bUT IM IN BED AND I USUALLY HAVE MY COMPUTER OPEN WITH YOUR RESPONSE SO I MAKE SURE I ADDRESS EVERYTHING AND THEN SEND IN THE ASK ON MY PHONE HDGSJSH anyway, time to get my ass up 😔 but wait i find you so funny like honestly, reading that cracked me all the way up. and i feel the “lol” thing so hard!!!! idk why i do it all the time (i’m tryna stop) but i’ll say something with lol at the beginning and lol at the end... it might be a defense mechanism at this point lol (😔) AND (i need to stop with the uppercase too it’s not funny anymore) I DONT KNOW WHY I LAUGHED SO HARD JDHSK WHEN YOU SAID ALSO AGAIN HAHAHAH LIKE UR HAHHAH also my sleep schedule is not pretty either lmao but i’m homeschooled so i never have to get up for anything? hhdhsis idk but i’m glad you slept!! you need sleep!!

also (pls no i cannot) why did i not know what ykwim meant until i reread this?? like it makes so much sense- anyway! i think it’s so cool that you’re excited for university! idk why but i do lol like you’re getting ready for the future (masters degree and all that) & you’re (maybe) going to england anyway so that’s cool haha (hopefully when you go you can see your relatives 🤞🏾)

the fact that you get happy seeing my asks i- 💓💓

you make me wanna go to London & England so bad urghhhh like i’ve only been out of the country once (to Canada for a family reunion) but it sounds so prettyyyyy & i’m so sorry that cov*d is messing everything up and i hope you can see your relatives soon :(

now to address the whole english speaking/writing: I FIND THAT SO WEIRD DUHSKSJ i don’t know how an english speaking person could say that if you don’t write it 100% grammatically correct.... that it’s wrong? when literally, over here at least, WE’RE SO GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT HAHHAAH in both the way we talk and write!! and lol you’re welcome,, AND THE PARAGRAPH DID MAKE SENSE HDHSJSH & your rant is fine because... that is actually a bit ??? bc no one writes with 100% grammar lol

OH MY GOSH (see this uppercase thing is addictive) YOU STUDIED LATIN FOR 6 YEARS??? that’s really cool 🥺 the way that you know/speak 3+ languages i- NOT EVEN 3+ LIKE 6+ (german, english, latin, french, serbian, italian, and everything that comes with latin lmao) even if it’s just a tiny bit like wowee. it is really fascinating!!! i had the opportunity to take latin and i... didnt. i took art instead BUT ONLY CUZ MY FRIENDS WERE IN THAT CLASS AND ART LOOKED FUN IM SORRY

PLEASE WHY DO YOU KNOW EVERYONE?? that sounds so fricking cool tell your mom (mum or mama it’s really fine lol) that she sounds awesome. i think Jamaica would be fun either way!! i mean it looks pretty from pictures? i was a baby so i honestly have no recollection hahaha

LMAOO NOT U SAYING THIS IS LONGER THAN SOME OF MY FICS- PLEASE GIRL IM TELLING YOU I VERBALLY LAUGHED HAHAHAHAHAH but yea you really don’t need to apologize i like reading everything you say 🥺 HDKSHS AND UR FINE WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT ME BEFORE uhhh hmm uhh lemme think i, well, i saw chaos walking yesterday (big tom holland fan over here) and it was alright.. my mom acted a fool at all the jump scares LMAO but it was funny... since i’m talking about movies (this is hella random i know) but i like shark movies HDKJSSJ my favorite is the meg (it’s so good ohmigosh) and the 47 meters down movies aren’t bad either... i have two younger brothers... iiiii AM IN LOVE WITH MUSIC PHEW anddd i’m homeschooled (i think i mentioned that lol) i think that’s a good amount ahahaha AND IM HUNGRY RN JDHSJ

now. please. let me address the edit. i just want you to know that.. when i talk about your fics and i finish them and everything i’m not looking for more? like obviously if you’re writing i’m gonna read it but you don’t need to feel pressured or anything (idk if you do) to put more fics out lol like they’re great and i’m just sending the praise bc i love the ones that are there :’) but i’m so happy you’re working through your writers block!!! yay so so happy for you!!! and PUHLEASE anything you write is fantastic, i feel the exact same way when i write but girl. you’re fine. it’s gonna be great. (idk if this made any sense but... okay)

(and my cousin calls her mom mama so it’s really okay hahah i even call my mom mama sometimes) (and where you got the number “16 sentences” beats me but i still cracked up) (is this me pretending i had tags? maybe) HAHAHAHA OK BYE ❤️❤️ why did this take me so long to send i have no clue, AND WHY AM I OVERTHINKING EVERYTHING I SAID SHAJSHSJ ANYWAY BYE btw i love us too... like iconic // lovely anon 💓

me reading this:

also the dedication you put into sending me stuff— like with the laptop and phone and ahsksk 🥺🥺🥺

i’ll update you when i’ve started uni btw, i’m getting more and more excited every single day haha but i still have 3 weeks until it starts and even then I’ll obviously have to get used to it and everything, but you’re making me even more excited about it sksjshsg

yeah i wanna go to england too dkshsh let’s be sad together over the fact the we can’t travel eksjsh😔😭 but hopefully the wait will make it even better in the end <33 also i talk to loads of relatives over the phone at least once a week so it’s not too bad for me! but i miss their house 😭lmao

and i knowww snshsh so many native english speakers just make so many mistakes— and obviously i get that some things are slang but some things are simply wrong ajsh, the thing is no one has ever told me that my english is bad (i know it’s not bad anyway, but i’m still insecure) or no one has ever pointed out any mistakes, but yeah it’s mostly just insecurity dkshsg but yes thanks for saying what you said (previously as well as in this ask)😌🥰

Okay now for latin— girlll i don’t blame u for choosing art over latin esp. when all of your friends are doing art as well!! I’d choose art over latin as well lol skshsg but in year 6 we had to choose between latin and french, and at the time i didn’t like french? which was dumb of me and now i wanna learn french ekdhs but i don’t regret choosing latin at all bc if i properly learn french one day then i’ll already know understand loads of stuff (or at least some stuff lol) just thanks to latin 😌😌 but still, art>>>latin skskshshgs

I wanna watch chaos walking too!!! But i don’t get when/where/how it’s out lmao, cinemas are still closed here so i’ll either have to wait or find it somewhere online... il*egally 🥰 i don’t have high expectations at all btw but i like daisy and tom and the dog🥺 so i think i’ll enjoy it

GIRL SHARK FILMS SHARK FOLMS SKSJSHSHS okay so there are a few classics i haven’t watched yet, and also a few new ones that i haven’t seen yet BUT I LOVE SHARK FILMS SO MUCH SKSHSGSGSKK the first like proper shark film i ever watched was the shallows (which i like but my brain is still too small to comprehend what happened at the end (i mean i get it but i just can’t imagine it— idek if you’ve seen the film but skshhs)) and after watching it three times it does get a bit boring (but now whenever i see pictures or videos of big waves i’m just waiting for a shark to show up like come ON SKSJSG

^^^that pic/scene really traumatised me sksjsh but i still like the film

I only watched jaws like a few months ago, and i get that it’s a classic and also that it’s old and they just didn’t have the best.. equipment or special effects or whatever but i mean... look at meg and then look at jaws.... no disrespect to jaws at ALL but the meg is so much cooler. (That one scene on the boat where the shark just JUMPS OUT OF THE WATER AND SKSJSHHSUSJHA i get such a shock every time it’s so good (and the dog aww aksjshssli 🥺🥺🥰 and the boy with the ice cream lmao he’s iconic)

47 metres down, wow, i liked that film too. (i’ve only watched the original/first one i think) i mean that is such a fucking nightmare scenario like ALSJDHSNEMSKDJSHSJSKWBALSODUEWBSLDKHDJSNSKSKSHSGEBWKAISGSHEKEKSKLDJDJDHDHSHAGGA (that’s the best way i can express my feelings about that scenario lmao)

oh and i’ve recently been watching more horror films but i don’t know if they’re for me... I like the thrill and whatever but i just end up being scared for my life when i have to go to the bathroom at night or when i’m trying to sleep bc suddenly my mind is flooded with all the scary shit from the films 💀💀💀

and music i mean... you know those people who just don’t listen to music? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM???? i honestly like all genres especially in the last year, i am IN LOVE with Nicki Minaj + Megan andddd Stormzy and i like Harry Styles but i prefer his first solo album (and obviously one direction has bangers i have a throwback 1D session at least once a month), I also love MGK especially his new stuff and otherwise i mostly listen to german artists lmao. So who do you like?💖 (WHY DO I FEEL LIKE YOURE GONNA SAY SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SKAHAGUS IF YOU LISTEN TO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MUSIC DONT JUDGE ME AJSHDJS) (i know you’re not gonna judge me but)

++ @ the thing you said about writing, don’t worry, i don’t feel pressured at all!!! (not by you and not by anybody else.. except myself sometimes lol) and i’m just very happy that you liked my fics 🥰🥰🥰 and if i start telling people that i’m writing a fic then sometimes it puts a bit of (healthy) pressure on me. like yes sometimes it really is writer’s block, but sometimes i really am just lazy ddkshhd so now that i’ve told you i’m writing a fic i might get my ass up quicker than i would if i hadn’t told anyone 😌😌😌

#ok i wrote some if this on the tube/on the bus/at the dentist/in bed so if this seems like it’s all over the place #that’s bc i was literally all over the place skshg #*of #also i love how you used tags skajahsg #lovely anon #<3 #sorry if some of the sentences didn‘t make sense or were too fucking long i wrote half of this half asleep #and i know i dont have to apologise but still like no one should have to read all my page long sentences that arent even proper sentencesskk

[notyobabygirl]

hey liz!! last night i randomly fell asleep at 11pm which is rly early for me lol. and i woke up around 4am and checked my phone and saw my bf had snapped me a couple times. so i responded and was like “sorry i fell asleep. love you” and i checked his location on snap and it said he was active on it like 10mins before i snapped him. and i knew he was playing video games when i passed out so i figured he had just stayed up playing his game because he usually goes to bed at like 2am at the very latest. and then i couldn’t fall back asleep so i stayed on my phone and i checked his location again 20mins later and it said he was active 3mins ago. so i was like wtf? then i waited another 10mins and checked and it said he was active 1min ago. so his snap score had updated like 3-4 times after me snapping him. like he would go on the app and then go off for a few mins and get back on, but he hadn’t snapped me or even opened my chat. so i took a ss every time it updated so i could show him and ask about it. and i messaged him again on snap saying “ok wtf? why are you ignoring me?” and sent him the screenshots. and he didn’t open it so i checked his location AGAIN a few mins later and it said he was active like 4mins after i sent him that. so i called him because i was like wtf? and it took a few rings and he picked and just said “hello” but he didn’t sound like he was sleeping. like i know his sleeping voice and it didn’t sound like that. so i just hung up without saying anything because i was annoyed. and he texted me and was like “why’d you call me and hang up?” and i said “check snap”. and he after he saw my messages he said “i wasn’t ignoring you. i was asleep and haven’t been on snap” and i said “do you think i’m stupid? it wouldn’t update like that if you weren’t going on and off the app” and he said “idk maybe i fell asleep with my phone with snap open still” and i was like “umm no stupid. it would just said “now” on your location. it wouldn’t keep updating like it was” and i was just pressing him about it and he got sooo mad at me and freaked out because i was saying he was lying. and he called me and was YELLING about how he didn’t lie and he hates that i never believe him and how dumb it was to wake him up and start a fight over something so silly. and he woke his mom up and she got sooo mad. and i feel really bad because since his location kept updating i assumed he was awake and i didn’t know me continuing to say he was lying would make him flip out like that. so i explained that to him and he sent me this long message basically saying “baby i’m serious i wasn’t on snap, wasn’t talking to anyone else, i was fr asleep. i have work in the morning and i wouldn’t be stupid enough to leave my location on if i was ignoring you and snapping other people” and he sent me a ss of his recents list and a screen recording going thru his snaps from that day. so now i feel really bad because 1. his mom got woken up by him freaking out because i didn’t trust him and now i feel like she doesn’t like me 2. i pressed him sm that it caused a big fight. like i’m still suspicious because i don’t think snap would update like that for no reason. ik what it looks like when someone stays on snap for a long time and it constantly updates. not every 3-10mins like his was. we haven’t talked much since that and he’s at work rn still so ya. do you think i should still question it or believe him? and if i see him today it’s gonna be soo awk with his mom because we’ll be at his house. sorry that was insanely long btw!! i tried to narrow it as much as i could to make sense haha

I would have reacted the same way and that has actually happened to me with my ex boyfriend. I would be like what the fuck and ask him why he is ignoring me and accuse you, because its like you had proof it was right in front of your face. so you have a reason to think that. maybe just be like sorry I did that but you have to understand where I am coming from. maybe he didnt actually wake up his mom he just said that because he wanted to scare you. either way im sure it is fine and she already forgot about it! 

[jokubaskristacas]

April:

Making a toy:

Tutoring:

Not going to lie, volunteering at “Kartu tikrati galim” this month was really boring. I had to teach 8th grade’s math once again and since I’m math’s HL everything seems to be trivial for me but not for my pupil. I tried my best to stay focused but it was difficult. I believe I was not the best teacher that time. So after a lesson I came back home and reflected on what I want from this experience in order to find motivation. I realized that I really want to learn responsibility, I want to grow skill of fulfilling at any cost since I really lack it. Thus I came back to “kartu tikrai galim” after 2 weeks and did the very best I could. I was acting passionate and sincere. I once again explained one concept in different ways so my pupil could understand it. Little by little I’m aiming to learn something that will help my life significantly.

Artistic make-up:

This month I learnt how to apply mascara and lipstick. With mascara it wasn’t so hard I managed to think up some of my tricks. Since my skin is flaking a lot (meaning it’s dry thus I have something like dandruff on my face often) my mascara can look ugly. However, If I use moisturizing cream before applying mascara I can hide my flakes for about 12 hours! With lipstick I tried 3 ways of putting it. They’re called underlining, fit, over lining. Even tho underlining was not too bad over-lining looked awful. Thus I learnt that fitting lipstick is by far my favourite one and I’ll continue to use it later in my make-up adventure.

Orphan:

Since I have basketball planned this month I realized that teaching some of it to the kids might be a good idea. So when I came to the flat I offered one kid who I like in particular to go outside. At first he didn’t want to, bet after I promised that I’ll let him watch youtube afterwards on my phone he agreed. We went outside and the first thing I was teaching him is how to throw basketball. After 10 mins of hard work he finally made his first successful shot (both in in technique and aim). I was really happy seeing smile on his face when ball went in. And to be honest I like orphan more that “kartu tikrai galim” because here everything is new every time I come. We either play games or I and other volunteers teach them something new or sometimes they teach us. I’m thinking of seeing these kids from time to time in summer as well if I’m able to.

Basketball:

I was playing basketball for 5 years. But I left it about 3 year ago and didn’t touch a ball since. When I took it again it was so hard to throw it and see myself making air-balls. O jeez… so I called my ex-couch for advice how should I regain my skill. He recommended me some simple starter’s exercises to regain shooting and dribbling exercises. I’ve tried both of them but that skill is still hiding. After a few short practices I decided to take only one of the methods and apply it. Thus I chose shooting since it was my fav part of basketball all along. I’ll post a video in the end of a year teaching you how to throw basketball. Also I’m planning on signing up for sprite street talent contest. I still can’t tell what this experience turns out to be, but it makes me happy.

Piano:

I haven’t played piano since January. However, since I’m soooo bored of those beginner’s exercises thus I’ve decided on challenging myself and took harder piece for piano to see how far I could go. Since I’m planning on having March piano experience I hope to learn as much as possible till the end of March. For now I have learnt only 2 lines of a piece. It is indeed a hard creation to play. For now I still can’t say much about this experience but so far I’ve learnt couple of things about piano and me. I can only focus on a piece when nobody’s home because only then I feel deep connection between me and the instrument. Thus I chose my learning days to be Friday and Thursday when my parents go shopping. My results became much better. Instead of failing for about 10 times in 3min I reduced this number to 5-6. I realized that environment is as much important as a focus while working with piano.

Making a toy.

So this was a finale of my making a toy experience. I went to Klaipeda to cook details and form them. I was highly assisted by my friend (let’s call her V).She helped me to shape and glue up majority of work, Anyway we were planning to do most of the project at Klaipeda, but we only had 6 hours, so I finished gluing up final version at home. 

Parts that are green were made by V and parts that are red were made by me. I glued everything except for the corpus and thighs of robot for my friend V insisted on helping. Anyway we started on shaping details of robot and then cooking them, down below u can see a photo of one piece i shaped

For joins, i just rolled small little balls that will be put between the two parts of legs and arms and also where arms and chest connects and legs and chest connect (shoulders and hips). Feet were a little bit of a struggle, so I offered V to try the most convenient approach in which the robot would stand. Feet were  made by using flat clay pieces, then a knife was used to make little incisions for the details. Voila. Then When all of the parts were made (we did it in 2 hours!!!) after that we cooked them for another two. Then V helped me to assemble core of the robot with hot glue. Next day i went home to finish my project and was able to take some photos since i was no longer in hurry

Also i found a little hack to glue something better. I just rub some of the sand paper on the material and then but some hot glue. It helps material to get a better grip on part that is being glued

I was a lot of hard work since it is a new experience to work with material so hard (and which will get harder after being cooked. To be honest i wanted to put more photos, since the process it self was very very fascinating, but we were in a rush since we had to cook parts and shape them in those 6 hours. We were both soooo tired after it.. but there u go if i were doing this alone i would have never finished it on time. This experience really felt like bringing the best artist out of me. 

Now I’m sitting here. And i have fully realised how important is teamwork and communication. I learn that sharing little tips between each other is the most important part of work since is not only me who’s gettin better, but also a partner. If we want to achieve something we must not be greedy of knowledge but rather share it so everyone could work towards a goal more efficiently. 

Also as i said im planning on giving this toy away to a friend in orphan. Ill give it at the beginning of summer vacation. 

[conflictedrabbit]

azumarill stream

aight guys im gonna stream my dumbass azumarill adventures on twitch you can stop on by and say hello if you’re insomniac like us losers i’m gonna start at the hour so like in 3mins i think i finally got it to work? took me like 3 hours to download everything necessary macs r hell

my channel is twitch.tv/blutaku

#regular pokemon takes over my life #yes that is blue + otaku as ironic because one of my friends fucking called me that #and it's like a badge of shame... #also stupidly relevant to the endeavor here #i'll still be posting silly updates here and on twitter

[lokbobpop]

My ocd

The ocd

I started pulling my eyebrows at 13/14 years old I thought it made me better looking because I didn’t really like myself up until this point, being dyslexic at school I found it hard in fact there was no such thing as dyslexia I just thought I was stupid compared to others and put myself down.

I would go to the mirror 4/5 times a day checking as a teenager and over the years it would be more than this and even less than this depending on what was going on in my life to the point about 10 years ago if I wasn’t doing it I was thinking about doing it or touching them to find one I could pull, the feeling of pulling was great, the pop and the squeak as it came out, touching to find one was like obsessive it had got to the point of total possession now this whole time I wasn’t even aware of what I was doing, it was like it was natural thing to do, until one day I thought hang on this is crazy I have a problem, but knowing this problem didn’t change me in fact it made it worse because I would put myself down with judgement of not being crazy.

Joe Kou part 1 90min chat

After seeing Joes video about his new path in life as a life coach, I wondered if he could help me, so I messaged him and within a couple of days we had a chat, he opened the point up within me and could see that I had totally entwined this habit through my whole being it was like a tree that had a vine that run the whole length and breath holding up the tree, and at that moment I could see what he meant practically every thought I had was accessed by the vine (can I cope with this) oh god what am I going to cook for dinner they everybody likes! Shit I left the washing out it’s raining, I’m late to meet somebody! Yes everything was accessed by the vine, I got it I saw what my problem was that it was a massive relief at the time I didn’t want to pull my eyebrows out I had no interest in doing it, I felt stable I lost weight, I was happy with myself.

But it didn’t last the not pulling lasted years, but the thinking of the experience of pulling and touching slowly creeped back after 6 months or so :(

Joe Kou. Part 2. 30 min chat

So I contacted Joe again 2 months ago and we went back to the beginning when it all started my friend pulling my eyebrows out and me looking at the mirror after and thinking wow that looks great I look so much better! He opened this point up and went deeper and deeper, I could see that this was a pivotal point for me as seeing myself as a better person it was what I’d been waiting for all these years, it took Joe minutes to get to this point within me, it was an moment I will won’t forget, the realization went deep in me :)

The work began

This chat was at 4 am so i had the whole day to think this over and it was like hitting a wall of how the hell im I going to do this it felt 10 times worse than usual and coming at me the whole time I felt overwhelmed so I got stuck in with my

‘I am better now’ which I did feel some ease with, I then followed it with self forgiveness which I would feel a lift from the situation so I stuck it out all day the action of wanting to touch or think about pulling was coming every 2/3mins it was overwhelming the intenseness the whole day by the end of the day I felt shattered and when it come up I would just push the though away I couldn’t handle it anymore the next day it starred up straight away I wanted to touch or think about pulling and straight away I started pushing them away until lunchtime when I though I can’t fight this I have to be at one with this so I aloud myself to think about pulling, It was like come on the let’s take this thinking as far as I can go, so I did and amazingly enough I couldn’t go any further because it wasn’t there it was never there it was just the fight I had created toward it lol so as soon as I saw this point I saw it was my fault in all this I then applied self forgiveness and I am great for the rest of the day I felt so much more relaxed happier the next day I woke up and the whole day only very slightly twice it pop up I again applied self forgiveness and I am better :) I Road the wave and came out the other side.

A few days after joes talk I noticed that I was far less anxious and so much more space in my mind where before it was constantly filed with thinking doing or touching so I even tried to think about it and it was empty there was no emotional charge at all, and yes this worried me who am I know without these thoughts, well I’m a hole new person I found out :)

The gift

A couple of weeks after I spoke to Joe and the thought are down to 20/30 times a day this is incredible compared to every moment of my day this is where It turns into a gift yes gift where I could see because every moment of slight thought that brought me to thinking about doing it was before intense before and where now I could slow it down and open up and see what it was that was fueling me, so the millions of signs I saw before I now would see each one which I could handle now and see it for what it really was as my very good friend Cerise always tells me the devil is in the detail :) so then I applied breathe, self forgiveness and self correction to each one in the finest points I could open it to.

2 months later

I’m now a handful of times if it will stop I don’t know and I don’t care anymore it can only assist me now. Not bad for 40 years of pulling eyebrows obsession with one 90 chat with Joe and 30 minutes one year later hey.

I wanted this! you’ve got to want to change and be the change, and I’d had enough of this ride and wanted to get off.

I have consequences of my action with bald patches and hair that grows in strange directions and now thinking of tattoo in the blank spaces but for now I’m just happy to be me.

This whole thing has made me realise I can do anything as long use the tools.

6 months later

It comes up when I’m not coping well with something and in the morning when I’m thinking about my day ahead, so it’s good to still show me and in the morning when contemplating my day what I’m not feeling ok about and I can adjust myself, at the moment it comes up when my husband is around mostly because I’m working on other things with him and stabling our relationship so it's good to see and be guided.

Plus when I do tidy up my eyebrows there’s usually a slight thought sometimes did I do it probably should I look for me, I like to tidy them up once a week and I’m now like to bring in awareness within when I do because I don’t want to fear doing them I want to live with no resistance there at all.

So I could be quiet lucky to have an ocd as I’ve now turned this energy into around and use it to show what’s wrong within and apply sf and move on, you can turn it round to support yourself

1 talk to Joe

2 self love, self awareness, self honesty, self belief

3. Use the tools 4 count breathe, self forgiveness self correction

TRAINING TO BE THE BEST VERSION ON MYSELF

[galzory]

Another dating #....

Our dating is not always that sweet.. he sometimes makes me mad at him. Once i was at work and i wanted him to take me for a movie. He never says "no" to what i've asked. That time he just said, "well, we could go. do you mind to wait? I hv thing to do then pick you up. Ok?" Then i said yes

He kept chatting me, make sure i am waiting. But it was 2hours and he was not there. I was super tired, he kept contacting me and i ignored it try to get my mood so i could speak. But its not that easy, i was in my pms period and super cranky. You may could imagine, working from 8-5 then wait for 2hours even more, i tried so hard but i couldnt.

I picked up his call, then saying "im tired. now i order a taxi" and left his call. He kept calling "im sorry, ive asked you to wait and you said yes. i have an important thing to do. Sorry. Please. Cancel your order, im on my way to you". I didnt talk but crying, he kept talking. I know, i lied saying i ordered a taxi, i keep waiting for him cz i know i need him. "hey, godness.. you cry! please! I am on my way" i hung up the phone. I couldnt hear him but i wanted him to hug me..

My phone rang again "hey.. in 8mins ok. No crying ok? An ice cream? Chocolate? We will watch a movie, you like that right? Please dont make me being this stupid! I feel so bad. Well 7mins, a little bit waiting will make you smile ok? You want to punch me? Or maybe slap me? No worry.. (silent a bit) wah 5mins more yeayy we'll meet" i hung the phone and i laughed. I love him! I want him! I need him!! See? He always try to make me happy.

He called again "yes.. 3mins more! You happy?" "I hate you!" "you finally answet me! hey, thats you!" (I kept silent again) "its ok, 2mins again.. i could see you, you know what, i am hungry, what should we eat? (I saw his car in front of the lobby, THATS MY MAN!) are you mad?"

I knew his car was getting closer but i didnt speak any word, i glanced and i saw he's walking close to me till he was right in front of me "hi" i saw him and crying, he just saw me crying while smiling *thats my stupid man! Then i hugged him like we never met for years! And kick him after that, then took his car key and run to his car. He followed me and I threw his key, he was smiling.

He tried to take my hand but i was too angry and take back myhand. I just bow my head soy no words, he kept trying to make me speak. "could you stop being like this, i am too tired to argue. can we be just ok? please" *taking my hand again, i cried and hug him. "Ouch! Ya, i love you. I am driving, ya i make mistake. I am sorry" then stopped his car and hugged me again.

He knows me very well, he knows he make mistakes and always say sorry.

"I was waiting 2hours more. I am tired, my boss asked me to do many thing, my stomach is aching, i couldnt handle it. you dont know, its too much".. "yea. I know, i am sorry. you work so hard, but i do have a meeting and couldnt say anything but yes if you want me to do something eventhough i know i will be late cz i have a meeting. bae, sorry. I promise to say no if i know i couldnt make it. Do you want me to just take you back home? You look pale. Ok? Dont cry, wipe your tears. I will learn so hard to make you happier. Please."

Why he said that? I was mad and he made me feel guilt..

"I dont want to back home"

"Ok. What do you want?"

"I dont know"

"Bae.. please.."

"dont make me think! *loud voice

"well sorry.." and kiss my palm

He took me to a restaurant with a live acoustic and never stop hold my hand.

Ya. He is the one who always say sorry

Ya. We did argue sometimes but he knows how to calm me down.

[kloudygirl]

where does anger come from

on the way to work today sumone tried to play chicken with me, i wasnt upset about it, i wasnt afraid, i wasnt angry in any kinda way or concerned, i was actually kinda impressed at the boldness that person had to steer towards the car i was in at high speed and suddenly at the last possible second turn into their side of the road to avoid hitting me. my instant reaction was sarcasm, i thought ‘asshole’. 

.

now lets speed forward to my arrival at work. “all was quiet at the western front”... approaching my work station, everything seemed normal, when suddenly as i attempted to sit on my office chair and the damn thing had been wildly adjusted badly, so far forward, it slipped down, my body swung into an uncontrolled massive jumble, i didnt fall down or anything but goddamn was i fuckin mad ... if u work at an office and u have a fancy smansy office chair with all the tiny little adjustments and levers and what not, then u know how intricately they can b adjusted to the tiniest precision. if say a tiny tilt forward or back has been made it ruins ur whole day, it can become a chair from hell, its sumthing no office worker wants... the needless agony of a badly adjusted office chair. this situation took precedence over the speeding car just moments earlier in my brain of non-emotions. this situation was worthy of a grand fit! and so, like any red-blooded taurus would do, i screamed and yelled and fired up all my anger into a loud outcry of profanities and agitation. so much so that i became the person i try my best to keep locked away, that ‘unsavory’ side, the side that we all have within ourselves. its the most embarrassing part of every person, that reveal of disgusted, unbridled, raw, poor sportsmanship anger and it seeps from deep within the rotten most part of all of us. 

.

where does anger come from? why was i not angered by the speeding car that possibly threatened my well being if not my life? why was i more moved to anger by the slightest thing of a simple office chair badly adjusted? its not the end of the world, i could always get another chair if i needed one, why did this simple inanimate object set me off into the darkest pits of public emotional outcry? why? and it only lasted possibly near 3min then it was gone.. 

.

maybe im bipolar

#anger #office chairs #cars playing chicken #worklife