#though i thought about sneaking that one into demon tales through flashbacks

[the-hilda-librarians-wife]

A Familiar Soul - Chapter One

Summary: Hilda decides to be completely honest with her mother, surprised when she seems to be a lot more in on magic than Hilda had expected her to be.

With her daughter’s association with witches, Johanna is forced to face some secrets of her own, bringing her back to feelings and people she’d rather have left behind

Dealing with insecurities and inner demons of her own, Kaisa finds herself face to face with the very issues that brought her to be so displeased with her own abilities

Or: the one where Johanna is Kaisa’s familiar

Notes: Wooo another multi chapter angst fic, let’s go So this is set after that whole “Hilda is a troll” situation is solved. However, since I never read the comics and don’t know how it actually was solved, I’ll be keeping it very vague and hoping you take it easy on me :) Also, there will be a lot of backstory in this fic, so all the flashbacks will be written in italics, and present happenings will be normal. Tmwm readers, you’ve been here before, same drill

Read it on ao3: (chpt1)

It was a lovely day, and as Johanna always said, lovely days called for lovely ways to spend your time. Her parents didn’t usually agree with what she described as “lovely”, though, but it was stronger than her! She couldn’t see the sun shining just bright enough that it didn’t burn your skin while still warming you, hear the birds chirping happily because of the freedom they had outside, know that the entrance to one of Trolberg’s many harmless woods was just beyond her backyard and not go outside. It was cruel of her parents to even expect that from her, really.

Luckily, they were hardly ever home and her current babysitter, whose name Johanna had yet to memorize, since her former one quit the week before after she painted the walls of the living room (and the child still didn’t get why the old woman had been so angry. The house had looked much more beautiful that way!) tended to fall asleep if she watched Johanna draw on her sketchbook for long enough. It had become her strategy to get out of the house, to sketch until the sitter fell asleep and she could sneak through the back door.

Once she was finally out, the girl extended her arms like the wings of an airplane by her side, mimicking the sounds of the birds as she hopped along a trail in the forest. The few times she’d been caught there, she’d been not only scolded but also told to never go past the clearing, since that’s when the Huldrawoods began. Johanna thought that was a rather stupid advise since they didn’t want her to go to the woods at all. It was like they admitted they couldn’t stop her from going out at the same time they gave her no good tips on what to do if she did go out. She couldn’t wait until she was old enough to join the Sparrow Scouts; they would teach her everything she wanted to know.

The deeper she walked into the forest, the closer the trees were to one another and the louder the birds sang. Their tune was soothing to her ears, and she thought that maybe if she walked far enough, she’d find herself face to face with a chorus of feathered friends with instruments and all. Those were all fanciful musings, of course, and she knew so because no matter how loud they got, no such thing had ever happened until she found the clearing (and she did always stop at the clearing like recommended, because she’d read enough ghost stories about the Huldrawoods to know better than to go there. Everybody knew you couldn’t go to the Huldrawoods without a witch). However, she reached a point from where on the music didn’t get louder like she expected, but lighter. Looking up at the tree branches, she saw many birds from an array of different species that were just perched there, silent and unmoving, as if mesmerized by a spectacle Johanna could not see.

Not liking the feeling of being left out, Johanna tried to follow the birds' gaze, trying to figure where they were looking at so intensely. As she saw nothing but trees, she kept on walking, but slower this time, so as not to miss what she was looking for. She kept her body low and close to the ground as though she was on a sort of secret mission. And she very well might be, since she had no idea what exactly she was looking for.

With her ears well tuned to her surroundings, it took her but a few more meters to begin hearing something she’d never heard this deep in the woods. Barely higher than the rustling of the leaves in the wind, a very human voice came from the end of her trail. Even so, she couldn't recognize the words.

It must be a foreigner, Johanna thought, noticing the voice sounded much like a child’s. Something about it made her think about lullabies on winter nights, or tales from the old books she read on magical creatures. Johanna was convinced that this was the kid of someone who had just moved into town, and who had probably gone to the woods because they still hadn’t made any friends they could visit. That being so, she considered it her duty to try and talk to the child, even if only to tell her to not go any further than the clearing.

When she lowered the branch that was on her eye level to allow her to see past it, she noticed a small girl, looking to be about her age, sitting on her heels in the middle of the clearing. She had dark hair which grew until the middle of her back. It looked wild and untamed, like it hadn’t been cut in quite some time, and a few small leaves stuck to it completed the picture. Along with her hair, her clothes were also raven black, making the girl look out of place amid so much green. She didn’t look lonely or bored like Johanna had thought she might, though. Instead, she muttered the strange words to a weed in the ground, which contorted itself with very odd, and to Johanna’s young eyes, even disturbing, movements.

Seeing that, Johanna gasped, revealing her presence. The girl stopped, turning her icy grey eyes to her. Neither of them moved for a second, but after the initial shock, the girl sighed in what sounded a lot like annoyance and turned back to what she’d been doing.

Though the weed had stopped moving when she’d been looking at Johanna, now that the flow of strange words returned it had begun its strange dance anew. The girl was causing this. Johanna didn’t allow herself to be scared by this realization. After all, this was just another girl her age, and instead moved closer to sit in front of her, the weed between them.

“This is bizarre.” Johanna whispered. “In a cool sort of way, you know? How are you doing this?”

No answer. Johanna didn’t want to raise her voice. It felt wrong somewhy, like there was a certain atmosphere in the clearing in that moment which she didn’t want to break. Instead, she leaned forward so the girl could hear her better.

“Can you understand me?” She asked, since maybe if her first hypothesis had been right, the kid still didn’t understand English very well. It would be alright, though, Johanna was very patient and she could help her with that. Her story books had taught her some big words.

However, the glare she was given stated very clearly that either the girl understood her, or she truly didn’t want to. Not allowing herself to be discouraged by this, Johanna spoke up again.

“I’m Johanna. What about you?”

No reply. When the girl took a deep breath, she thought she might get her name, but instead she just returned to her chant with more vigor.

“Do you, uh…” For a moment, Johanna was distracted by how the other child seemed to be trying to speak over her, her dirty hair falling over her face as her eyes closed in concentration. Her small brow furrowed, and for a second Johanna wondered if maybe she shouldn’t speak. But since her sentence had already been started, it would be bad manners if she didn’t finish. “Do you like the woods? Come here often?”

All she heard was more gibberish, though it must make sense to someone if the girl was so resolute in reciting it over and over again. Johanna was beginning to feel discouraged.

“I like it here. Feels nice and quiet, and the air smells like pine.”

The girl stopped her stream of words for one more moment, and looked at Johanna like she wanted to say something. Her eyes weren’t exactly untouchable stone anymore. There was a glint of sympathy in them. Still, she shook her head and went back to her chanting.

With a sigh of defeat, Johanna gave up. You couldn’t befriend someone who didn’t want to be befriended, even if she did very badly want to know how she was controlling the weed like that. Maybe the girl didn’t even know how to speak English, after all. She got up to walk away, or at least walk to somewhere else in the forest, but was halted when the girl finally raised her voice.

“Wait.” She said in that entrancing tone of hers. “Stay with me. Please.”

Though she had many other things she wanted to ask, Johanna’s eyebrows came together as she stared back at the girl. “Why?”

A second before, she was being completely ignored. She was wondering what had changed when the girl chanted again, with a clarity in her voice that hadn’t been there before, and from the top of the weed sprouted long, purple petals, one with each word the girl spoke. It was no unwanted weed. It was a flower. Johanna was staring at that with her jaw hanging open when the girl smiled at her, making her face light up.

“You make me stronger.”

_#_#_#_

Hilda had made them tea. That’s how Johanna knew how serious a conversation her daughter wanted to have; not because of the hints of nervousness on her demeanor, nor because of the way she said she needed to talk to her, but rather because when she was guided to their sofa, Johanna saw two steaming cups of chamomile tea waiting for them.

“Mum, even though you already know this, I need to admit that for some time I wasn’t really honest to you about the things that were happening in my life.” She said as she handed Johanna a cup. Her shame and embarrassment made her want to look away, but she forced herself to keep her gaze locked with her mother’s, not only because Johanna deserved to know how she truly felt, but also because Hilda needed the encouragement to continue that she found in her eyes. “And that led to… well, that whole mess. And I know you already forgave me, but you still deserve an explanation.”

She stopped to take a deep breath, and her mother nodded slowly as if telling her that it was all right and that she could take all the time she needed.

“That day I tried to use the nisse space to go back to Frida’s… when we fell into the stone forest.” The girl didn’t know why she was explaining like that, since her mother would undoubtedly know which day she was talking about. But she felt like she couldn’t help it, like the words were stuck in her throat and would only get out one little piece at a time. “I hadn’t been at Frida’s before coming home. I had been at the castle ruins collecting some dust, because Frida needed it.”

“For her school project?” Johanna asked softly even though she couldn’t imagine what kind of teacher would be as irresponsible as to give the children a project that would require them to go beyond the wall.

“It wasn’t a school project.” Hilda sighed. “It was for attempting a spell. Frida is a witch, mum. She only recently discovered her talent, and now she’s learning how to control magic. And I am helping.”

Silence washed over them for a second, and her mother shifted on her seat.

“Because you are her friend.” There was a weird timbre to Johanna’s voice, and Hilda noticed it felt somewhat ghost like. Her mother also sat with her back completely straight, as opposed to the relaxed posture she’d had seconds before as she stared not at Hilda, but straight ahead.

“Of course, but that’s not all.” Johanna’s sentence had been a statement rather than a question, but Hilda still felt the need to correct her. She’d decided to be honest with her mother, so she might as well do it right. “I’m her familiar. Do you know what a familiar-”

She didn’t get to finish her question, one she’d thought Johanna would be very interested in since as far as Hilda knew, she had very little knowledge about magic, because as soon as she’d completed the statement her mother got up from the couch. A robot had more fluid motions than the woman did at that moment, as she dumped the rest of her tea down the sink and mechanically began washing her cup.

“Mum?” Hilda whispered worriedly. This wasn’t a happy reaction; Johanna wasn’t hugging her or wishing her good luck or asking her about the experiences she’d had. However, it wasn’t an angry reaction either, since she hadn’t been sent to her room or scolded for whatever reason. Hilda wasn’t sure what kind of reaction that was at all, and it made her nervous. “Is everything alright?”

Johanna’s hand stopped its frenetic movement with the cup long enough for her to take a deep breath. “A familiar, huh?” She said, and there was once again something off with her voice. Her speech seemed too well controlled, like she was holding back a wave. If Hilda listened carefully, there was a touch of panic right in its depths. “How do you… how do you feel about that?”

After setting down her cup on the coffee table, Hilda walked to her mum. She looked like she needed a hug for some reason, but Johanna didn’t even look at her in order for her to make that offer.

“I love it! All that magic theory Frida is learning gets a little dull sometimes, I’ll admit it, but she adores every bit of it and it makes me happy for her. And when I get asked to help, it’s usually with cool stuff, anyway.”

“Okay.” Johanna took an audible breath in, and a long exhale out. She was using the same thecniques she’d taught Hilda how to use when she was feeling overwhelmed, Hilda realized. “I just need you to- promise me you’ll be careful.”

“With the magic?”

Johanna blinked, not realizing she’d closed her eyes. “Yes.” She said even though it wasn’t the magic she’d been thinking about. “And with Frida too.”

It was a weird request, and this didn’t escape Hilda’s notice. After all she’d put her mother through, though, she knew she wasn’t in place to question her. “I will, but I don’t think there’s anything to be careful about.”

Something about the way in which Johanna nodded made Hilda remember of a puppet having its strings pulled. She dried her cup and put it back in the cupboard while she whispered.

“You’re probably right. There’s nothing-”

She turned her head abruptly to her child.

“Hilda… how much closer have you gotten to other witches?”

Hilda didn’t see how any information she gave would make any sense to Johanna, but she gave it anyway.

“Well, there’s Tildy. She’s the one training Frida. She lives very close, in fact.”

As Hilda lifted a finger up to symbolize her counting, Johanna tensed up visibly at the mention. Lifting a second finger, the girl continued.

“And there’s the librarian.”

“Mr. Linus?” Johanna asked with urgency, remembering the gentle man who had been the librarian in her youth, even though the more sensible part of her brain told her he had definitely gone into retirement at that point.

“Oh, no. Her name is Kaisa, actually.”

Kaisa

In her attempts to not let Hilda see how that name affected her, Johanna only made her distress more visible. She twisted her hands on the hem of her sweater, not caring if they were still wet, and stared a hole into the kitchen tiles on the wall in front of her.

“The librarian, you say? How… how long have you known her for?” She asked, thinking about all the times she’d felt a sense of relief at knowing Hilda had been at the library, when she probably should have felt anything but.

“Some time…” Hilda shrugs. “She helped us with David’s marra. Remember that?”

Though Hilda made a pause for Johanna to add something, her mother didn’t answer.

“She also allowed me to read that book on the Tide Mice, but I swear she didn’t think I’d do anything! At one point we helped her retrieve a book that was missing and… well, there was a bit of fuss with the Tide Mice after the disenchantment which she helped us end once and for all.”

“You hadn’t told me about that.” There was some warmth that had returned to Johanna’s voice, but it wasn’t warm like a hug. It was warm like a fire.

“I know, mum, and I’m truly sorry. I promise I won’t be hiding things from now on.” Hilda assured even though she knew she wasn’t telling the whole of that story. She didn’t think that her mother would appreciate that whole void business, especially not in this state she was in. The girl took a step forward, wanting to hold her mother’s hand, but to her surprise, Johanna recoiled from her.

“Why won’t people tell me what’s happening?!” She burst out suddenly, still not looking at her daughter even though she was scolding her. “I just want to help you! Why is magic so much more important every time?”

Her mother never lost control. Her mother never scared her. Yet, in that moment, Hilda couldn’t help but be scared. Not of her mother, but for her.

“Mum?” She whispered, which finally made Johanna look at her. Her eyes were red, and her lifted eyebrows told Hilda that, somehow, Johanna seemed to have forgotten her daughter was even there.

“I’m sorry, Hilda. This… this isn’t really about you. Thank you for deciding to be honest. I’ll think on what you told me, but I need to be alone right now.”

Hilda desperately wanted to know what had caused that uncharacteristic outburst, but more than anything she wanted her mother to be fine. She respected her wishes, and nodded before walking away from the kitchen and to her room, where she knew Tontu, Alfur and Twig would be waiting to know how the conversation had gone. Hilda had no idea what she’d tell them. She had no idea how it had gone herself.

Before leaving her mother behind completely, Hilda took one last glance at her. With her back hunched and her hands on the counter, she stared out of the window and into the sunset. There was an emotion clouding her eyes which the girl couldn’t bring herself to describe.

This, Hilda concluded as she made her way to her room, really wasn’t about her.

#fic: afs #my fic #sketchbook ship #sketchbook ship hilda #kaisa hilda fanfic #johanna hilda fanfic #sketchbook ship fanfic

[eddycurrents]

The Midnight Circus

Words: Mike Mignola | Art: Duncan Fegredo | Colours: Dave Stewart | Letters: Clem Robins

Originally published by Dark Horse in Hellboy: The Midnight Circus | October 2013

Collected in Hellboy: Complete Short Stories - Volume 1

Plot Summary:

1948: After overhearing doom and gloom about his existence and being told that he’s “just a kid” again, Young Hellboy runs away from BPRD headquarters. On the road, he comes across a travelling circus and is in for a hell of an experience.

Reading Notes:

(Note: Pagination is solely in reference to the story itself and is not indicative of anything found within the issue or collections.)

pg. 1 - Inattentive night watchmen are just a recipe for misadventure.

pg. 2 - Young Hellboy sneaking around is wonderful. Also, I love all of the little bits and pieces of relics and memorabilia even around the open spaces of the headquarters.

pg. 3 - It’s sad to hear that you’re supposedly an evil creature going to destroy all of reality when you’re just a little kid. You can’t really blame Hellboy for wanting to escape here.

pg. 4 - This is hilarious. 

pg. 6 - I do like the camaraderie the Hellboy seems to have with the other agents. Like you see in the regular historical stories with Archie, many of them seem to treat him just like a normal kid. It’s good to see. Even if at this stage he’s rankling at the “kid” portion and would prefer to hear the story about how to get the ladies. Also, a wonderful nod to pancakes.

pg. 9 - This shift in style is amazing. We go from a more traditional comic approach to the shadows and colouring to the softer washes and fills for the circus, giving it an almost painted appearance. It gives the visual cue that Hellboy is going from one reality to another.

pg. 10 - This adaptation of Byron’s Manfred as a form of summoning ritual for the circus performers is interesting. Not just for utilizing something other than a more traditional summoning out of Agrippa or something like it, but for the subject matter. Byron’s poem centres around the lead’s loss of his beloved Astarte. Astarte’s namesake, the Middle Eastern goddess, and a descended variation on the Mesopotamian Ishtar, was corrupted in Judaism and Christianity to be the demon, Astaroth.

pg. 14 - This is just thoroughly gorgeous artwork.

pg. 17 - Young Hellboy facing temptation.

pg. 18 - Hellboy as an orphan is a subject that isn’t often touched upon, even though it is part of a subtext through much of the early years. This kind of drives it home, but also as to how special the relationship really is between him and Bruttenholm. The Professor chose to raise Hellboy and treat him as his own child.

pg. 20 - Margaret trying to get Hellboy to read more than comics is hilarious.

pg. 22 - Her lying to Hellboy about the danger that Bruttenholm might be in is also one of the original little lies that probably contributed to Hellboy’s disillusionment later.

pg. 24 - Hellboy retelling this part of Pinocchio is interesting, playing with the theme of wanting to be a real boy. There’s a kind of parallel here that I think Astaroth is giving to Hellboy that his current appearance, his humanity, is the donkey. That his true being is something else entirely.

Also, the storybook style for the Pinocchio bits are great. I love the shift in style again for these scenes. It really makes it feel special.

pg. 25 - Mac is a great dog.

pg. 27 - This is just beautiful.

pg. 28 - Bruttenholm getting all of the agents available to search for Hellboy really tells you how much he cares.

pg. 29 - Hellboy in the belly of a whale is just gorgeous. Seriously this is some incredible artwork.

pg. 30 - Also, the guilt.

pg. 32 - Astaroth’s manipulations of Hellboy to become Anung Un Rama here to jumpstart the apocalypse to give Bruttenholm “warmth” seem a bit premature. It is interesting to see this early denial of destiny from Hellboy, though. Same overall with the encounter that Hellboy seems to have put out of mind.

pg. 34 - Incredible. Young Hellboy seeing himself as Anung Un Rama is just incredible.

pg. 35 - So too with seeing the demon’s true forms.

pg. 38 - Beautiful lion here.

pg. 40 - I like that the art keeps switching back and forth between the two styles, really differentiating between the real world and the fantastical as Bruttenholm and co. keep searching for Hellboy.

pg. 41 - Just as it’s interesting to see the same location in how it really appears versus how Hellboy saw it.

pg. 42 - The shadows...hoo.

pg. 43 - The art for the flashback is incredible. This little side story about the two people chasing Hellboy is also a nice touch. Another story within a story that adds further depth to the overall narrative.

pg. 46 - Y’ouch.

pg. 47 - I like the seed here for Gamori’s plans against Astaroth.

Also, the reunion of Bruttenholm and Hellboy feels like the ending from Wizard of Oz.

pg. 48 - “Won’t ever do it again.” Heh.

Final Thoughts:

In my opinion, The Midnight Circus is one of the most visually stunning stories ever in the Hellboy universe. Duncan Fegredo and Dave Stewart thoroughly outdo themselves in crafting this story, bringing immense visual depth and variety to the story, changing to suit the movements as the story advances. The shift from a traditional flat comics approach in the regular Bureau sequences to a more lush, painted look full of washes during the circus segments are inspired and add a beautiful fantasy quality to the story that only elevates immersion into the tale. It becomes even more interesting as the scenes alternate, making you wonder where exactly Hellboy has found himself. Not to mention the storybook scene or the old-timey newspaper flashback.

I feel like Mike Mignola, Fegredo, Stewart, and Clem Robins really came together to spotlight just how magical Hellboy can be. This story is steeped in overall lore, giving a hint at things to come and showcase Hellboy’s overall destiny, but it also taps into the heart of the relationship between him and Professor Bruttenholm, young Hellboy’s longing to be a “real boy”, and literary influences like Pinocchio and Something Wicked This Way Comes.

d. emerson eddy is on a midnight train to sleepsville.

#Give 'em Hellboy #Hellboy #The Midnight Circus #Mike Mignola #Duncan Fegredo #RaisingHellboy #203

[thornedrose44]

It’s Dark Inside (It’s where my demons hide)

Hey,

I don’t know if people on tumblr are reading this fic but I wanted to give an update on it for the people who are. I am writing the next couple of chapters and I will be doing a big update (like 20,000 words) in a week or so over a couple of days. 

AO3 link: It’s Dark Inside (It’s where my demon’s hide)

But until then I thought I would give people an excerpt from the upcoming chapter:

As Lexa’s mind shook of her drowsiness, her thoughts kicked into action, creating plans and preparing for various situations. It was half-an hour until she even realised that Raven had barely said a word for the entire trip. Lexa’s brain shifted focus to examine her (friend?) companion.

Empty gaze, gnawing her bottom lip. Anxious.

High levels of self-restraint. Admirable.

Requires conversation; needs to be able to vocalise concerns to ensure full concentration.

An hour left to Azgeda. Best plan would be to allow her to vent and re-energise self-control before reaching our destination.

Lexa who had been scrutinising Raven’s profile tilted her head as she completed her clinical analysis. “How are you doing, Raven?” Lexa questioned with an even tone.

“Fine.” Raven responded stiffly as she shot the Sheriff a sideways glance.

She thinks I’m testing her…

“Good.” Lexa remarked, her hollow expression not changing even slightly as she did so, “Can I ask you something?”

Raven’s fingers flexed around the steering wheel and she swallowed thickly as she nodded, “Sure.”

“How did you and Clarke meet?”

Raven’s head snapped round from forward facing to stare openly at Lexa in shock, not expecting the question in the slightest. “You want me to tell you how Clarke and I met? Now?” Raven asked with an expression that could only be described as bewildered.

Lexa shrugged nonchalantly as she raised a finger to point at the road; Raven’s gaze immediately snapped back to the front. “We have an hour or so before we arrive. You got anything better to talk about?”

Raven rolled her shoulders to relieve her taut muscles. Good sign. “I guess not. It’s not a particularly happy story, though.”

“Anya and I didn’t start off well either.” Lexa reminded her gently.

A smirk slipped into place on Raven’s face and Lexa knew she had drawn the mechanic in enough to allow her worries to diminish marginally. “Trust me, Clarke and I started off far worse.”

“Really?” Lexa prompted as she cocked an eyebrow.

“I first met Clarke when I walked in on her and my boyfriend in bed together.”

“Oh.” It was all Lexa could think to say. Raven’s smirk broadened as she enjoyed being able to surprise the commander, but it vanished as she started her story in earnest.

“She didn’t know.” Raven affirmed, instantly springing to her best friend’s defence. “My ass of a boyfriend never told her.” Lexa stayed quiet, knowing that allowing Raven to simply talk uninterrupted for as long as possible was the best way to get Raven to emotionally vent. “Finn- that’s my ex- and I grow up in a crappy, rundown part of Boston. You know the kind of place I’m talking about. It’s the kind of place where you would increase your pace when walking through so you spent as little time there as possible. Finn was pretty much all I had.” Raven sneaked a peek at Lexa who was still watching her closely; Lexa nodded her head in encouragement. “He was my best friend. Sweet, funny, looked like a bad boy but had a heart of gold. Falling in love with him was easy, getting together was even easier. He applied to university and I applied to the same ones. He was the only thing I wanted, and I wasn’t going to give him up for anything, even if wasn’t the best thing for me. Do you have any idea what I mean?”

Lexa listened attentively to Raven’s words, and couldn’t help but appreciate the similarities between themselves. I know exactly what you mean. I would have given everything up to follow Clarke. Would have become fully dependent on her for my own happiness… I don’t regret leaving town as it allowed me to become my own person.

If I had stayed… would I have been able to develop as well as Raven did after Finn?

Probably not, Lexa admitted to herself honestly.

“I know what you mean.” Lexa said seriously, Raven hummed and nodded in understanding at the sheriff’s tone.

“Well, anyway, I followed him around like a lost puppy doing a degree I had absolutely no interest in. School never really suited me, I was always more of a learn by doing kind of girl, but Finn loved education, loved lessons and loved the theory and rationalisation behind everything. So, there I was doing something I hated to be with someone I thought, at the time, loved me. We were halfway through the first year when I go round to his place and find him in bed with some random blonde. And… and I just… lost it. Started screaming, grabbed the girl and threw her out. Finn instantly started to apologise, and I… I… accepted it. I convinced myself that it was all this random girl’s fault, that somehow she was all to blame. Which I know, wasn’t rational but… I couldn’t blame the guy who had always been there for me growing up. The guy I loved more than anything. So, I took all my fury and hurt out on the only other acceptable target.”

“Clarke.” Lexa supplied sadly as Raven paused and sighed with sorrow as she felt the familiar stab of pain at the memories.

“Yeah.” Raven whispered with a voice heavy with regret. “I made her life miserable for the rest of the year. Spread rumours, insulted and belittled her at every opportunity.” Raven turned pale at the memories but pushed on regardless, “She took it without complaint for a few weeks, all she would ever say is that she didn’t know, would never have done anything if she’d know and that she was sorry. Eventually, though, she started to fight back. I don’t know which I feel guiltier about… how cruelly I treated her or how I pushed her to be as just as cruel back…”

Images and flashbacks broke through to the forefront of Lexa’s mind, and she wanted to look away from Raven, wanted to fight off her pain without having to stay composed. Raven, however, needed Lexa to not react, to not seem put off by Raven’s mistakes, so she swallowed her own trauma and reached across to squeeze the mechanic’s shoulder in support.

“It was at the end of our second year… err… By then, I had broken up with Finn properly… he had cheated on me with others and I could no longer sweep it under the rug but by this point with Clarke…” Raven trailed off and pursed her lips as she turned off the main road at the upcoming junction.

“Too much hurt on either side to forgive the first mistake.” Lexa summed up with a weary sigh.

“Pretty much. So… end of our second year, Clarke and I run into each other between classes and trade insults like we always do, but this time… Clarke was on a shorter fuse- at the time I didn’t know why but I figured it out later.” Raven for less than a second but there was something heavy and unspoken in that moment which had Lexa wanting to push for clarification. Before Lexa had a chance to voice anything though, Raven returned to her tale at her normal fast pace, “Our argument became less verbal and more… physical. We got pulled off each other and dragged to see the dean who gave us an ultimatum… any more ‘disagreements’,” Raven uncurled her index and middle fingers from the steering wheel to make speech marks, “and we would both be kicked out.”

“So that stopped the fighting, but how did you become friends after all that?” Lexa inquired, now fully invested in Raven’s story.

“Well the dean didn’t just give us an ultimatum he also doled out a pretty unique punishment.” Raven answered, the smirk that had disappeared, for the majority her story, reappearing again.

“Which was?”

Raven chuckled, “He made us roommates.”

“You’re shitting me. Did he want a homicide on campus?”

“That’s what we were thinking at the time. But- you know, the whole ‘walk a mile in someone else’s shoes’?” Lexa nodded with a small smile of understanding that she did her best to hide, “Yeah, well we found out how true that was over that year. I mean it wasn’t instant friendship but we begrudgingly came to like each other and it grew from there. Neither of us had any other friends on campus. I burned all mine when I want on my rampage after Finn cheated, and Clarke never really had many to begin with. She kept to herself for the most part, didn’t interact with anyone. Finn was the only actual friend she had, the only one who fought to know her and she cut him out of her life when she found out about me. So, we ended up spending a lot of time together… became friends… became best friends. Clarke encouraged me to do what I actually wanted which was become a mechanic and I supported her when she didn’t want to be a surgeon like her mom. Strange how the world turns out, isn’t it?”

#clexa #fanfic #ao3 #it's dark inside