#too bad i’m immune to such trickery and i saw right through that fucker’s traps he cannot have me

[hejdetermig]

my parents are begging me to move to florida with them. every person i met in florida just expounds on the greatness of the beach

“have you been to the beach yet?!”

“when are you going to the beach?!!?”

“oh the beach is where it’s at!”

they’re all lying, the beach almost killed me. i wish it had rather than burn 10 million holes through my dermis straight to my heart. and the ocean almost took me cause my goggles weren’t effectively sealed and saltwater crept in to my eyes and a lot went in my mouth. plus i couldn’t stop imagining sharks lurking around me bc the water was fucking green and not blue like the pictures.

so anyway,

apart from the beach, what is there? it’s redneck nation, white trash lollapalooza. basically oklahoma except without the native americans, cows, and casinos. it’s humid as all get out. no one, i mean absolutely no one could wrap their head around me disliking the weather. it was so bizarre. i thought o was losing my mind after the 14th floridian i met who asked why i don’t move down there just looked at me in total confusion when i said i didn’t like all the humidity. MY OWN DAD didn’t believe me, like sir you were born and raised in indiana and then spent the last 20 years in oklahoma please don’t act like it’s normal to be violently perspirating after standing outside for 2 minutes. i legit think the sun is affecting their brains. i couldn’t catch my breath when i got off the plane i’m not joking. it’s a hell site, fucking dagobah if it downpoured every 3 hours and if yoda had a meth addiction and was also a nazi

#had to vent #this is pensacola btw #met a cool navy commander pilot tho #the sun is trying to kill me and he’s poisoned all the floridians #after their third sunburn they’re suddenly his vessels for evil #tricking more and more normal americans into moving there #enticing them with the beach and slowly building his army #too bad i’m immune to such trickery and i saw right through that fucker’s traps he cannot have me #i used to be on the swim team but i will not keep trying to swim where i’m clearly not welcome and if the ocean won’t stop getting in my #eyes and mouth then fuck them im getting out and building a sand castle #which the ocean kept trying to destroy btw #petty asshole