#took a Xanax so im already starting to level out

[dalishthunder]

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#took a Xanax so im already starting to level out #but like... i gotta talk about this somewhere and it's... complicated #because toeing the line between reaching out for help and emotional manipulation is... tough #and I've been told before by close friends that i *am* emotionally manipulative #and like... sometimes i wonder what would happen if i just disappeared #which of my friends would miss me #which of my friends wouldn't even notice #which of my friends would care enough to come looking #i don't want to disappear mind you #I'm not *going* anywhere #but a lot of the time i struggle with the idea of meaning something to people #that.. kind of happens when people you called friends tell you they expected you to kill yourself and did nothing about it #but yeah... idk this isn't meant to be like 'look at me I'm so sad and wet and pathetic' #i just needed to like... talk about it? #and... yeah #I'm not going anywhere #don't misconstrue this please #odt #personal #vent

[ghostgrl112-blog]

i don’t know where to start. i feel numb. i dont want to blame anyone but myself for what has happened. my life has taken a turn in which i never saw it going in. i don’t see things getting better from here like i used to. it all started going downhill after graduation in 2018. I just got out of a breakup with someone I still loved and cared for. a constant struggle to find a purpose. yet i still got out of bed and i managed to meet people that made me forget and gave me good memories. my relationship with my ex was okay on a friendship level but romantically it was all over the place and confusing it started to make me question my worth. my house sold in June 2019. i was promised to have a home with my mom. i’ve never lived with her since my parents divorce and that’s all i wanted. i stayed with my ex in the meantime thinking it would only be a few weeks. they welcomed me with open arms and love. my ex and i became closer and grew a better bond, which i am thankful for. i struggled to find places for my two cats. they went from home to home and eventually my second cat JiJi stayed with me. Months go by and still no house. I started to fall into a deep depression. I stopped going out. I lost my own self identity. I tried to go out but I didn’t feel the same unless I took my xanax and it brought me out of my shell. I tried and tried to help find a place for my mom and I, but nothing would work. Everyone was pushing me to make change but there was not much I could do or go to. I lost my everyday job at my doggy daycare because of my depression. It was hard to get out of bed. They offered for me to do house sitting for them but every offer they gave me I already had a house sitting gig planned. I feel like I completely ruined it. I got kicked out by October 2019 to live in my moms one bedroom apartment with my cat, where my mom and her boyfriend, and our dog lived. Instantly things went downhill. Her boyfriend left bruises on me and my mom, and hurt my cat in the process. I’m traumatized still. No back up plans, I went back to the home I was kicked out of trying to think of other options. Nothing seemed to be working. There’s a constant “Chloé you can’t be here. Chloé has your mom found a place? Chloé you ruined this person” Not feeling welcome anymore, only having a pair of slides and one shirt and leggings during the cold. i never imagined it would be like this. There we’re nights I considered sleeping in my car or just taking my own life. I hadnt been this depressed in a long time. Friends backstabbing me, friends getting tired of the fact I was no longer reliable like I used to be, the person Ive loved and cared for for years doesnt seem to want me or appreciate my existence like they used to. I’ve gotten to the point where I feel there is nothing for me on this earth anymore. The pain I feel is extremely unbearable. It’s hard to eat, sleep, drink water even. I don’t want to call anyone out I just wanted my life to be better but I don’t see it changing. I love everyone who has stuck by my side and has helped me when I was down and when I had no where to go at the last minute. I love my mom who has always tried her best no matter the situation. I love my dad and my new step family for being supportive regardless of being far away. I love my sister who was always welcome to help me whenever I need it and being the best sister I could ask for. I love everyone so much. Im tired of acting like Im okay when Im not just for the sake of others. I can’t help but feel like there’s nothing left of me and nothing for me to do here. I feel like my time is up. i’m sorry. clo

[aridayy24]

Lets bring it back to the year of 2012, worst is up for debate. Regardless that year was anything but great. On the rebound looking for someone to ease the pain, n i found mark. 1st night we met best western in monroe dan you me and joe levine. We dated for a bit, i cutt him off after a month, all he did was sell drugs n fight with me about an ex hed never met. I should a kept it at that, but that nigga came back with flowers and a job. Apologizing for walkin into my life n tellin me how to live. Told me he couldnt get me outta his mind. I fell for it. Took him back, ignored the fact that he wasnt just sellin weed now but managed to find a connect for that yayo or as i use to call it that snow white. One drug turned into another before long he was sellin nearly every drug in the book. Mind of a crook. No more middle manning on the weed deals, we leveled up grow op in the walk in closest. Needless to say that job that got me back lasted about a week. Hes sittin their tellin me a drug lord dont need to pay taxes, don't need a papertrace. Meanwhile were both living at his mommas place. He was loosing his mind and i saw it, my girl Kelsey called it. She was already hooked on drugs though so i didnt listen to her cause the girl was also talkin massin niggas in the face up on the corner n robbin for all they got. Shes my girl tho 100. Back to the story at hand, the drug usage got bad. The drugs and easy cash was driving mark mad. He started getting controlling, pushed me to start sellin again. So i did n stopped talkin to my friends and picked up dealing again. They all know i gotta past, and i wasnt trying to bring them down in my new life path. Things only got worse from there. Wed fight every day, and one day the fighting switched from verbal to physical with a blink of an eye. I wont lie or deny that i gotta mouth, when he started getting angry about how i was eatin n how i was dressin, i started threatening that id leave him that he meant nothing to me. That pissed him off to an extreme, grabbed me by the wrists n told me im just another bitch then threw me against the wall and walked away. I was a reactor back in those days, i sat in shock for a bit and heard him snortin lines. Ran up to his room and slammed the door screaming up a storm, about how he put his hands on me. He denied it told me i was crazy, i got crazy then and tore the bag of yayo from his hands. It happened so fast i didnt even know what was going on. He jumped at me hands on my throat slammed me against the desk n told me hes gunna teach me a lesson ill never forget. Rapped me left me there, locked me in our bedroom. Came back after 4 hours, with morphine and flowers. You think it wouldn't be as easy as that right? Wrong, i blamed the drugs and believed him when he told me it'd never happen again. I learned to keep quite about certain subjects, stopped reacting when hed call me degrading names. None a that helped though, cause his ass kept gettin busted by the police dui's possesion charges forced him to sober up court order out patient made sure a that. The violence got worse rather then better throwing me down stairs hitting me dead in the face, hospital trips, cover up stories galore. Coworkers n close friends ask what happened to your face n most believed it when you told the you walked into a door, or tripped over your own damn feet hittin face first to the floor. Chorus: Morphine and xanax stops the pain and fades life away, you wont even care you learn to bare with the abuse. Until it gets to a point where you might not live if you stay with him another day. There were so many incidents, its a shame, and in the end there's only one to blame. After all said and done, I was in the wrong for keeping it to myself living in denile. Everybody's got their reasonings for why they are who they became, when it comes to rape and abuse this shit is no game; and it can all start by just selling weed. That nigga got away with it, he's prolly still out there doin the same shit to the next bitch. Dies slow, karmas a bitch, and consider me a witch cause nigga you deserve what you get for what you get for me and any bitch that came before/after me. I couldnt escape though id try to leave, he was right i had no where to go. Ari no one will believe you, you're a fucking drug addict and I've got people everywhere. And he wasn't completely wrong i shock off all my friendships and lied to the two i still talked to from time to time. No one knew for sure that i was using but plenty assumed. I felt like i was doomed. Coworkers caught on after the months passed, and got my ass out of that mess. He still lurked, i had to change my number block his friends and him off social media, avoid the areas he usually stays. And pray hed leave me alone. Chorus I ended up dating morgframe and a baby girl was on the way. I sobered up real quick n here we go new relationship with a baby on the way. And mark wouldnt go away. Started claiming my daughter was his, fucking twisted fucker. Got into morgans head. And soon he was asking me to go into detail about every time i was abused all the fucking time. That always trigged PTSD attacks and nightmares, he didnt understand that. And i didn't understand why he was making me relive all those attacks. Meanwhile time goes bye n now we got two babies a girl and a boy. And the trust still isnt their with morgframe and i. N all of my team seem to be against me. Im outta people i trust. Paranoid that fucker still has eyes on me, paranoid about everything and everyone. There is no end to this story, the night terrors paranoia never goes away. The black flashes are every goddamn day, could you live this way? Chorus.