#turns into im gonna get wrecked dying animal panic fucking bullshit because im fuckkklkkedjdjdk

[tsurugis]

my ass cant fucking sleep because i think my brain is coming to terms with the fact that i cant ignore i might have cancer back lol last thing i want is to find out for sure but here we fucking are

#its just fucking funny because i finally dont want to die after a lifetime of suicidal ideation but i might fucking die of cancer anyways :) #ive just been so tired and done for so long now though i havent been able to feel like im really living and if cancer is back it will only #go downhill and any chance to live better is already gone haha #i keep thinking i at least want to finish these crappy books and have them somewhere if they might ever mean something to someone who can #relate and enjoy them in a meaningful way but that easily may never happen big sad lmaoooo #i was spacing out about it all day then finally cried about it in the evening but then my ass had a MASSIVE dissociative full on passing out #hyperventilating panic attack over feeling like ive run away from my brother and sister because i started to feel something about that i #apparently cant normally face that i cant articulate or fully remember and im just feeling fucked up ladssssss #not panic attack more crying breakdown but i hyperventilate horribly from trying to stop the sobbing because its too fucking much lmfao #turns into im gonna get wrecked dying animal panic fucking bullshit because im fuckkklkkedjdjdk #ki rambling