#tw for just pessimism and depression and roe v wade

[myowndesertplaces]

Tonight is tough. It's really tough.

Six months ago I left my job for moral and personal reasons, but I also wanted to spend time with my dad who has Stage IV cancer. Then, unexpectedly, I became a caretaker to a different loved one in my life (they dont want their health stuff posted on social media). They're doing well though, but it was very scary for a couple months.

It's been really hard for me to get back into job searching or any of my creative projects. This isnt my first time dealing with depression. She's an old shitty friend that I keep having drinks with every few years because we have similar taste in music and art. And now tonight, with the news about Roe, I'm starting to lose hope entirely. Depression is banging at my door with a bottle of Jack in her opposite hand and screaming in early 2000s Bright Eyes lyrics.

The news about Roe V Wade isn't unexpected, but it still fucking hurts. Add this to the last several weeks of the old Anita Bryant, anti-gay playbook the right has been spreading, and we are all suddenly back in 1977. Maybe we'd be able to stand a little taller in the face of this if we werent all carrying so much pain from EVERYTHING that has happened over the last 3 years.

Dont let my baby-faced icon fool you: I'm old. I survived the Bush years. Watched my friends get shipped off to Iraq and Afghanistan. My college roommate helped pass gay marriage in Iowa. I have lived through seasons of shit and seen flowers bloom out of it months later. And yet I am so... fucking... exhausted.

It's really hard to plan for the future when your world is stuck 50 years in the past.

I'm not with my partner tonight because I'm at home helping with my dad, and it's too late to reach out to friends on a Monday night. So I'm here, venting. Trying to rinse out this hopelessness like a rag soaked in muddy water.

I dont have any answers. Just tears tonight. It's all I can give right now when Depression is scream-singing "Let's Not Shit Ourselves," lyrics at Midnight. But I guess, if you're sad and angry too, you're not alone. And maybe that can help us both rest for what we have to do next.

With Love,

Your Older Millennial Gay Aunt Alli

#tmi #tw for just pessimism and depression and roe v wade #i know no one uses tumblr as their diary anymore #but fuck i had to write this and get it out of me #ill probably delete this in the morning