#ugh god why does my brain tell me this is easier than......mental illness | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

well-hidden-hot-mess · 3 years

Text

just... idk.

i feel like there’s just so much swirling around in my brain right now and idk what to do with all of it so this is just going to be a brain dump of all of that. not that any of my other posts are anywhere near cohesive or organized but i feel like this one is going to be in a league of it’s own mess wise.

i’m just falling further and further back into what i can see is going to be another week long depression where all i do is stay in bed and numb out with binge watching tv shows and eating my feelings or not eating at all or a combo of both depending on the day/hour and i don’t know how to stop it. like i’m waking up later and later each day and staying up later and later at night and not being productive until later in the morning because i’m physically tired but not anything too bad but it’s the mental exhaustion that’s keeping me in bed as long as i’m there and what’s keeping me up at night too because it’s easier to stay on the couch and watch another episode vs getting up and getting in my bed and watching it there while i fall asleep at a reasonable hour so i don’t feel as much like shit in the AM. i think it’s a subconscious thing where i feel like i can’t get up and the depression is what’s keeping me on the couch at night like how it normally does during the day. like yesterday after my workout/lunch, i was tired which is normal but not where omg i need to take a nap tired so i set an alarm for 30 mins to give me time to relax but not get too comfy where i don’t leave the couch all day. then i got under a blanket and cuddled up with the big ugg pillow thing that was on the couch from when i was vacuuming and ended up spending 3 hours trying to sleep (vyvanse wouldn’t let me fully fall asleep). so much for what was supposed to be a super productive day... AGAIN. like if it’s once in a while, that’s fine because i’ll know i really need the rest but day by day it’s becoming a lot more resting and a lot less of doing stuff - not even like working out stuff but just movement in general where it feels like i just give up on the day so early and not even for like a good reason and it’s not like i actively decide like okay today’s a rest day, i’m just going to chill. it’s like something that just gradually happens as the day goes on where i’m like oh i’ll workout later, later, later, until eventually it’s 9pm and i’ve done nothing all day and just give up. that’s the annoying part because i’m not even like making the conscious decision, it’s like my brain is telling me yeah we’re totally going to get up in 30 mins when that alarm goes off when really it’s like laughing at me because it has no intention of getting up and just keeps telling me what i want to hear so i’ll feel better about it and will stay doing nothing like it wants. i just feel like i have no control over anything anymore and i just don’t know what to do to “fix” that or to regain some sort of control. for a few weeks at least i had my diet and workouts figured out and they happened no matter what mood i was in and even if it wasn’t the walk/run i had planned on doing, at least i did yoga instead so it was some kind of movement and that was fine with me. but now i can’t even get myself to do yoga or anything because i’m too numbed out watching the closer all day and i can’t be bothered to like hype myself up to do anything because subconsciously i know my brain has no intention of following through on that. i normally wake up most days with some level of positivity even the day after i went off track but the last few days i wake up and i’m immediately like ugh. not ugh that i’m alive or anything but just like ugh i have to do this all over again because i know i’m going to have to fight the same mental battles to do even the bare minimum or less of what will make me feel good about the day or something like that. idk how to describe it but i know what i mean. it’s more like to put my type a self at ease like okay we were productive enough to satisfy that part of my mentality. when i’m like this just everything feels like it takes so much more effort than it normally does and combine that with a brain that’s actively trying to push me to the numbing stuff vs the positive stuff, it feels like i’m just stuck in a loop of shit day after shit day where all i’m doing is fighting the same losing battle with myself over and over again. i know being cooped up in my apartment all the time isn’t helping but at the same time, i can’t get myself to go out and do anything other than walk down to publix because i’m out of food. i’ve had money for 2 days already and i haven’t gone to target yet... that’s how you know i’m struggling. that’s why a part of me wants to go find a part time job to ease me back into leaving my apartment and driving somewhere on a semi regular basis again instead of diving head first into it but at the same time i know i’m nowhere near mentally okay enough to bring the stress of learning a new job and pushing myself to leave the apartment right now so i feel stuck. i think that’s also why i liked doing the outdoors workout as part of 75 hard because it helped me practice getting ready and leaving my apartment and going out into the real world every day without the added pressure of having to do anything but just walk which i enjoyed doing. i also hate how much i have to baby myself right now and it’s so beyond frustrating for someone who saw herself as a strong, driven person who could take on anything and now i have to hype myself up to do the simplest tasks and i just hate it. other than the obvious reasons why i hate it so much i think it’s also triggering something in me where i had to do the same thing with like my workouts/activity because of the lyme/migraines and it’s putting me bac in that mentality of being a victim - not that i’m playing the victim but more like how i have to adjust my life and hold myself back because of things that are out of my control that are what’s actually holding me back and i can’t just fix it or put my head down and push through it like i normally do with other things. i really do feel like a victim of my mental health issues and my lyme disease and the fun side effects that come with it like migraines, etc and i hate it because then i feel weak because of the babying that has to happen because of it and because i can’t just power through. i also feel like idk damaged and pathetic which i know isn’t fair because these things are out of my control but i still just feel like it defines me because of the limitations it puts on me and how in my head how other people see me as the “poor lyme girl” or whatever and i hate it because that’s not who i want to be or am meant to be. that’s why up until now i’ve lived in spite of the issues i have to deal with and use the sicilian stubbornness to put my head down and just power through those struggles but now i feel like i’m too mentally sick to do that and i feel like i’m losing that part of my identity that i’ve had for so long and one of the few parts i was really proud of and now it’s like i have nothing left of my identity. like depression has taken away that part of my identity and now even things like working out that used to be such a huge part of my life and such a positive thing for me has now become something associated with the issues i’m dealing with - having to hold back how intensely i can workout because of fear of getting a 3 day long migraine if i push it too hard or get too hot or being too physically exhausted afterwards for 3 days where i can’t do anything else. the more annoying thing is that i’m already working at like 50% intensity of where i used to be and even then i’m having to watch out to not overdo it and how easily i can cross that line and i just feel so fragile now and i think that’s what’s pissing me off the most. to lose my identity as a mentally and physically strong person who everyone was amazed was still standing let alone working like 40 hours with all the extra unpaid hours i put in and then went and worked out really hard and lifted heavy weights and even the level of intensity of my workouts were impressive for a “normal” unsick person let alone someone who almost died from lyme disease and had the highest levels in all of CT and has even had daily infusions for months on top of so many other rounds of treatments to kill it and now i have to worry about the up and down motion of bodyweight lunges or crunches is going to trigger a migraine and god forbid i’m not in a freezing cold climate controlled environment or else my lungs are going to freak out and trigger a migraine. that’s the word i was looking for before - fragile. that’s what’s pissing me off so much about this. i’ve fought so hard to be the strong person despite my issues and that was my identity for so long and i thrived by using that to push me and now that that’s gone, i just don’t know who i am anymore. i lost my identity of being the fit girl who could do all these amazing things in spite of the shit i had to deal with that was out of my control and now i feel like i don’t have anything left so it’s like well who am i then? and all i can come up with is the fragile sick girl who’s mental/physical illnesses define her and limit her and are in control of her/her life and that’s what i fought so fucking hard for so long to not be defined as and now it feels like all of that effort and fighting was worthless because i ended up that girl anyway. the logical part of my brain knows that this phase of my life isn’t going to be how the rest of it goes and it’s just one chapter of my life but right now it’s hard to see it ever changing and god just the thought of that just makes me so sad and hopeless. like i don’t want to die - i really don’t - but i’m dreading living if this is what’s ahead of me for the next like 50+ years. plus what am i going to do when my mom can’t financially support me anymore? i just don’t think i wanted to admit this to myself and now that it’s out there, it just hurts because now it’s real and i can’t ignore these feelings anymore. i know that i want to actually feel my emotions instead of numbing them but fuck this sucks. again logically i know it’s not going to last forever and i’m going to figure it out because the mentally and physically strong, driven person is who i really am and that will prevail over all of this other bullshit but right now this just fucking sucks and i hate it and i just want to skip to where i’m past this and back to the real me, not the sick me. even if i have to deal with lyme for the rest of my life, that’s fine but it’s this major depression and anxiety bullshit that i can’t live with forever because it’s ruining my life. not only now but it’s ruined from like 17 on for me and those are the best years of your life where you figure out who you are and the life you’re going to have and here i am at practically 30 years old and this is where i am in life and it’s not even about comparing myself to others or where i “should be” by now or anything - it’s more that i know the window is closing on certain things i want to happen in my life like starting.a family. i’m already low energy now so imagine me at like 40 chasing around.a toddler... it’s shit like that that really fucks with me because i know i won’t be the best parent i can be and won’t be able to give my future child the best life it could have if i’m constantly stuck on the sidelines because of my illnesses and that just breaks my heart because that would just suck and because now that i’m older i’ve realized that i do want to be a mother and yes i know adoption is an option but not for me. unless i physically am unable to have kids or there’s a risk to their health or something, i want to have my own kid (s). nothing against anyone else obv but it’s just not what i want and i know the clock is ticking on that even being an option so i have to find someone to love me and not just like going through the motions for the rest of my life “love” but like real, true, what movies are made after kind of real love and with how low my self esteem is and how guarded i am and all that other bs, i’m honestly worried i won’t find it and then i’m going to die alone or in a miserable relationship that doesn’t live up to what i want for.myself that i’ll resent and that just sounds miserable and i don’t want it.

ugh there’s still so much more to go into but i think i need a break.

1 note · View note