#ultimately i've stopped doing that for others bc 1) exhausted and 2) if no one's providing me with the same i can't sustain

[lesenbyan]

I was in the shower earlier listening to angel with a shotgun and realized suddenly that yet another character relationship I've developed was me trying to process yet another Major Change before it really hit and this time it's Chlode and Roelle and the fact that high support needs disability doesn't mean people won't fight for you

#personal; #+ the fact that people who love you CAN be willing and able to put that out the door to help you heal #even if you might hate them after #i was doing that shit from ages 13-20 at least and would get so annoyed at 'people can't be good therapists and love you bc #love gets in the way' or w/e bullshit #ultimately i've stopped doing that for others bc 1) exhausted and 2) if no one's providing me with the same i can't sustain #and i don't communicate well enough to ask for help bc i don't realize i need it #BUT this is about the fact that Chlode /wants/ to be an addict. wants to run away. hates using his cane #but he dragged home and he stays. and Roelle fights him out of the bar. fights him at his house and in the street #fights him until he fights himself and until there's chemistry #bc sometimes you love someone because you fought for them and sometimes they love you bc you fought them #sometimes beauty is knowing someone will call you a fucking idiot to your face even when youre known for a temper #and sometimes that changes a large portion of how you expect your life to turn out and you end up marrying a woman #who takes your other lovers' last name #in fantasy catholic land #as you do #anyway #i love Chlodebaimt more than XIV does and they don't get him back

[cancerbiophd]

1) I can has advice pls? I'm in a dillemma. So i work in a biotech startup. It's the best job i've ever had. I love the ppl, i LOVE how super organized and neat data keeping and benches and everything is and things are going super well for business. But i'm not doing much sciensing.. i'm more of a tech (I have a BA in bio). Like, i'm getting more skills, but absolutely not in what i wanna do. And it looks like as we expand, i'll be doing more of the same. I've asked about doing more lab stuff

and the boss was cool with it, so I’m learning & helping with more wet lab stuff for a week which is pretty interesting. I’ve also talked to the boss about getting a masters or a PhD so i can do REAL ™ science instead of what i do now lol. And he’s open to that. But i’m also a huge self-doubting lazy piece of shit lol. So now i’ll go through waves of feeling really excited about possibly learning more and becoming an expert. then i’ll feel like i shouldn’t have said anything bc i can't do that. It’s super hard to focus and what if i sign up for that shit and just NEVER find the energy to … like.. be a good grad student? Do you have any advice for battling this feeling and for not being a lazy piece of shit in general? I’m just so overwhelmed every time i think about how much i’ll have to learn.. and i can barely get through ONE paper as it is. I know exactly what i wanna study. It’s like my life goal. I’ll get super inspired after talking to some PhDs at work. And then i’ll try to concentrate on a science related thing and realize how bad my abilities are. I’m sorry this was a rant. I just wanted some advice. I probably can’t admit to anyone at work that I have mixed feelings about this. (Another thing adding to my dillemma is that i could potentially leave my job to go to a grad school far away… but idk if i should.. i love it here. i like where our research is going. but maybe i should become an expert so i have more negotiating power and don't end up being a lab tech. i could be like one of the PhDs that work with me. I could be an expert. I could be someone who can’t be replaced by a high school student. and i suppose the company will still be there when i graduate… but what if i would actually get better training doing my PhD as a part of my current job?) So. Any tips on how to approach this? Again, sorry for the super long rant. Thanks so much for reading!

eyyyyy first off, you don’t need to apologize for ranting! ranting is good! it’s healthy! and it makes one feel better yeah? so rant all you want! this is good you’re doing good

and if there ever was a “lazy piece of shit” that ever did chug along in grad school, it’s me. i don’t think it ever shows it through my posts here, but i am NOT like a type-A-go-getter person ever. i like taking my time, and slugging through stuff, and sometimes going the easy route is the best route. i love what i do but man, if i could like.. take naps every 4 hours then i totally would…

but what i AM good at is time management. i schedule everything EVERYTHING into my google calendar, so that way, i don’t even have to think about what to do next. i just see it in the calendar and do it. kinda like going to class. “laziness” gone! 

and honestly, ask any grad student if they think they’re a “good” grad student, and they’ll say “i don’t think so…” which is bs right? but we say that because we’re our worst critics; we can’t see what others see, and that’s we all are good students. we gotta stop being our own critics and start being our own cheerleaders. and since your boss is supportive of you going to grad school, then it must be true he sees in you the potential to succeed in that right? 

and tbh, from what you’ve said, you have everything it takes to get a higher degree in science. clear goals? check. passion to learn more? check. passion to THINK? check! these aren’t things someone can just “pick up”! but finding a way to expand your attention span or learning tricks of learning things? those can be easy to work on. 

so from what you’ve said, my advice to you is to go for that masters or PhD. now the difference is a PhD will be way more intense than a Masters of course, but you’ll get to delve into deeper layers of your field, and be the ultimate inventor of something. a Masters teaches you more about the field; a PhD teaches you how to push the field. not exclusively, of course. there are many with a Masters who are just as accomplished as any PhD. 

and, i will also say, that if you do go to grad school, be ready to live, breathe, eat, drink, sweat, bleed grad school. it consumes you; especially a PhD, because you do get into the “habit” of always thinking about your project/field. as an old PI once told me, “a PhD never turns their brain off”. but does that happen to everyone? eventually. maybe not when you’re admitted; maybe not even your first year. but one day! and i know it sounds exhausting, but it’s such a thrill! to be walking down the street and then suddenly have an AHA moment! gosh gosh that’s like one of the best feelings in the world really.. 

if you are hesitant though, you can start with a Masters. It’ll only take about 2 years, and is a really good “stepping stone” to a PhD should you decide to continue. many PhD’s do this, as it gives them a chance to poke around, and if they really do hate it, 2 years isn’t that long of a time. the only downside is there usually isn’t a stipend :\

and idk if your company does this, but some companies may even pay for your higher education. we have a current PhD student in my program who’s also working full time at a biotech company (so he’s also making like infinitely more than a grad student). you can see if your company has something like that? although may be more rare for a start-up.

as i said.. you got the big things that make up a grad student. the little things, like finding a study routine, a memory tactic, an attention-span-keeper… those are workable. passion is what makes a grad student tick, my friend. passion. 

last thing… we need you. science needs you. and with all the stuff happening in the world (esp the US), now more than ever. who’s going to save the world? you are. from what you’ve said, i really do think you have what it takes to expand your horizons and follow your passion. is every grad student perfect? no! we all have our flaws, but that’s ok, because we’re human! so don’t let self-doubt stop you from saving the world. because self-doubt isn’t ever going to stop others from destroying the world, so get out there and kick. some. science. BUTT. 

#i may or may not be buzzed btw #so if this is incoherent i apologize #but i mean every single word #but if you have any specific ques hit me up please! #advice #Anonymous #grad advice