once im Out out im gonna start telling nosy cunts who joke about me still wearing my mask that im doing it because im trans. eat shit
ANCIENT SECRETS OF THE MONKS | "It's Magnetic By Nature" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pbeK8H8kJU
Thank you for everything!
you’re welcome?!!! 💚💚💚
Slater and Gordon have a new office located near the centre of Maroochydore for their local Sunshine Coast Lawyers
What advice do you have for someone trying to write a fanfic for the first time?
The best piece of advice I can give is write for yourself. Don’t write to post, don’t write to get comments, just write because it’s something you want to do and because you enjoy it! I’ve found that I have the most fun writing when I do it for me😊. Getting caught up in worrying about comments and impressing other people makes it hard to write at all, to be honest😅. Just remember why you want to write fic. If it’s to impress other people, maybe take a step back and try to rediscover what makes you love the source material💕. (I speak from personal experience here😅😅😅)
I’d also say, don’t be too hard on yourself! If a phrase doesn’t come out the way you want, don’t sweat it! Just leave yourself a note that says something like “(i want to word this better, I’ll get there!)” and come back to it when inspiration strikes!
I also find it helpful to just write out ideas. If you’ve got a whole story in your head but don’t know where to begin, you can always write out what happens before you actually write the thing. AND it’s perfectly fine to write scenes out of order! I did that a lot with my big multichap.
Good luck with your fic!!!!! 😊😊😊😊
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Seems a bit silly really but my fiancé has this friend who he plays sports with a lot and works with and sometimes when we all go for a drink, the friend comes out with something like ‘me and ...(my fiancé) saw this hot girl whilst playing this sport today’ and then my fiancé doesn’t comment or whatever and his friend makes a big deal about him being quiet. And I wonder well, what if my fiancé did make a comment about her being hot too and is just staying quiet because obviously he’s with me and doesn’t want to make a big deal. I get maybe some people in relationships might still look at people and be attracted but never see them again. It just weighs on my mind because it’s happened enough times now for me to pick up on it.
People do notice other people. That’s a fact. You don’t stop noticing just because you’re in a relationship and he might say yeah that person is hot. I’ve been guilty of it myself - I’ve even commented on how hot other people are in conversations with people I’ve been dating. That doesn’t mean that I or he had/has any intention of acting on that attraction. But at the end of the day, you need to talk to him about how this is making you feel. It seems to me that his friend is just a shit stirrer and he knows that it bothers you when he says stuff like that. If it’s bothering you to the extent that it’s weighing on you, you need to be clear with the person you’re dating about what your boundaries are and what upsets you. Best of luck.
Viewpoint and Voice, Part 4
Third Person Limited Narration: Under Observation
Probably the most common narrative viewpoint, third person limited narration puts the viewpoint character under a microscope, reporting on the things that they say or do in the course of the story. This viewpoint allows for audiences to draw their own conclusions about the situations that the characters encounter, as well as the characters themselves.
Reasons you might want to use it:
It allows you to separate your narrator from your main character. There are a number of reasons why this might be desirable in various circumstances: you’re deliberately writing an off-putting character (such as a villain or antihero) and you don’t want to alienate readers by making them live in that character’s head for the whole book; you want to exploit the difference in narrative tone and viewpoint character’s personality for dramatic or comedic effect (pairing, say, a dour character with a humorous narrator, or vice versa); you want to make extensive use of dramatic irony (where your audience has knowledge that your characters don’t); etc.
It allows you to provide explanations that your audience would have no other way to obtain. This is especially important for those writing fiction in a speculative genre such as science fiction, fantasy, or horror, since the world building elements inherent to those types of pieces are only sometimes things that the viewpoint character is encountering/learning about for the first time during the course of the story, and storytellers naturally spend less time elaborating on familiar elements. This same logic of “more familiar = less description” applies to all forms of writing, however, in the sense that familiar people and locations actually need less description from a first person viewpoint than most authors typically give them (at least if realism is the goal). With a third person narrator, these elements can be dropped in naturally, since it’s a baseline assumption that the audience doesn’t necessarily have any information even though the character does, unless it’s information that exists in our real world as well (for instance, you’re referencing a well-known artist or politician for some reason).
It’s close to the action, but retains enough distance to report accurately in situations where the character would not be able to. High-stakes action sequences, for instance, or other intensely emotional situations tend to be places where our higher cognitive functions shut down and our ability to both observe and report accurately decreases in the interest of reacting quickly for survival purposes. If you’re writing something with a lot of very intense elements, a third person narrator allows you to convey that at a much higher level without sacrificing realism, while still remaining close enough to a character that the audience is invested in to provide the stakes that make such scenes exciting.
Reasons you might want to avoid it:
It can lack personality. It’s very easy to get into “reporter mode” with third person narration, and just relay the major actions as they occur. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this, but it can be a little dry for some readers.
On the other hand, it can have too much personality and become distracting from the main action. It’s a really fine tightrope walk between too much and too little, and, honestly, there is no magic answer that applies in 100% of cases. Sometimes, a story needs a distracting narrator to help inject some levity into what would otherwise be an endless grim!dark slog; sometimes, you need a serious narrator to really underscore the importance of what is taking place in a scene, etc. With third person narration, you can be as harmonious or discordant as you want purely for effect, whereas with first person narration you’re much more limited by what an appropriate response from the character would be. Both have their advantages and disadvantages.
It requires you to be very clear about what is happening in any given situation. Look, we’ve all been there: sometimes you don’t know exactly how your main character gets out of a jam, you just know that they have to. Or you know how it happens, but it would be really boring to write and probably pretty tedious to read, so you just want to hand-wave it away. This is possible to do (judiciously) with a first person narrator if the viewpoint character’s back is turned, or they lose consciousness and have to be brought up to speed, or they are otherwise focused elsewhere at the critical moment. With a third person viewpoint, you don’t have quite the same wiggle room.
The temptation to switch viewpoint characters for any reason at all is a lot stronger. With first person narration, unless you’re actively writing with multiple narrators, you’re stuck in that one person’s head the whole way through. With third person limited, that’s not true, but the trade-off is that you need a reason to justify each viewpoint switch, and you still need to limit yourself to one viewpoint character per scene (in contrast with third person omniscient, which we’ll cover next time).
It’s more difficult to obfuscate information (for instance, to preserve a twist) without your readers feeling lied to. There’s often a reader assumption of total veracity with a third person narrator, especially if said narrator doesn’t really have a “personality” of their own. Holding information back can lead to reveals feeling deceptive; it takes a much more skillful hand to lay the clues out in full view so that they’re apparent in hindsight without giving the whole game away when using a third person narrator.
Points to consider to optimize its use:
Which character are we following? Why?
As with any viewpoint character, it’s important to know why this one. Common reasons include: they’re the main character, they’re a close sidekick to the main character, they’re another major character that’s involved in most of the major action. It’s less essential with third person narration to have the character involved in everything than with a first person narrator, but if they’re constantly missing out on the action (and you aren’t writing an ironic/humorous/parody piece that revolves around precisely that fact), consider why it’s so important for them to be the viewpoint character in the first place.
What does the audience need to know that the character couldn’t or wouldn’t tell them if this was first person?
With a third person narrator, you can be much more direct about things like the appearances of your viewpoint character’s close friends and family, the descriptions of well-known locations, the details of common in-universe technology/magic that our world doesn’t share, and the names and other salient details about newly introduced characters/items/events/etc. Be careful, however, not to let these information dumps get unwieldy, which is a common temptation with third person narration.
For instance, very rarely do your readers care about the exact description of a character from head-to-toe. A general rule of thumb, regardless of narrative viewpoint, is to focus most of your descriptions on the things that are plot relevant and the things which are psychologically/emotionally important to the character describing them, especially if they are things that are likely to be incorrectly assumed unless directly specified. (You’ll note that hair and eye color are generally unlikely to be either, unless tied into specific social dynamics like family resemblance or the character’s ability to blend into a crowd. Identity markers like ethnicity, nationality, native language/dialect/accent, and religion, on the other hand, are very likely to be at least one if not both, when you are writing with a diverse cast.)
What does the narrator know that the character doesn’t (if anything)?
Dramatic irony is a unique strength of third person narration, both limited and omniscient. The fact that the narrator can explicitly tell the audience something while also making it clear that the viewpoint character has no idea can be used to increase the emotional stakes of any scene. Most of your audience members are already looking for clues of what’s coming; being able to point it out to them engages them on a level beyond the story itself. Horror, in particular, makes a lot of use of this: consider all the jokes that circulate about “how to survive a horror movie” and how it’s a giant cultural joke at this point that the characters always split up, run into the woods, and decide to hide in the basement like a bunch of idiots. The question isn’t whether there’s a killer, it’s how is the killer going to get these characters? Similarly, “Have you never seen a sci-fi movie?” is one of the first things I often say when stumbling across news headlines like “Scientists are teaching robots to say ‘no’ to commands. Is that a good thing?” We have a lot of instances where we as storytellers absolutely have information that the characters don’t, and we know perfectly well that our readers probably share that knowledge. Exploiting that knowledge skillfully can really increase the payoff of your scenes.
Is there a reason for any gaps in knowledge between the character, the audience, and the narrator?
If there’s no reason, then either the information gap doesn’t need to exist, or you’re missing a golden opportunity.
Using Third Person (Limited) Narration: Mind-Reading is Rude
Third person narration inherently offers many more options to a writer. You get to decide which character(s) to focus on and when, just like with the other forms of narration, but you also get to decide how much to let the audience in to that character’s internal world.
It is entirely possible to write third person narration in such a way that you only relay the major events and dialogue, and otherwise avoid commenting on the character’s thoughts and feelings. Note that this doesn’t mean that information about those thoughts and feelings is not conveyed at all - rather it means that you’ll need to find ways of having your character display them, such as through physical actions and specific word choices. Sometimes this type of writing can be more effective in conveying emotional information than simply telling the audience something - think of how, in real life, it’s much more impactful to see or hear someone start crying than for them to merely say that they’re feeling sad - but it does require a higher level of skill and attention to detail in order to achieve the desired effects.
Similarly, it’s entirely possible to write in what I’ve recently seen referred to as deep third person, where the character’s thoughts and feelings take on central importance. This style of writing is a lot like first person, just using different pronouns. It weaves together the usual third person report-style method of sharing the actions and dialogue with commentary that the audience understands to be the internal monologue of the character. This can be a really effective compromise viewpoint for a writer who wants the audience to identify with a third-person viewpoint the way that they would with a first-person viewpoint, but who otherwise wants to preserve the assumed veracity and information-conveying abilities of the third-person viewpoint.
One of the keys of effective third-person limited viewpoint, however, is that it is restricted to the viewpoint character. Resist the urge to have the narration comment on what other characters may be thinking or feeling. You can have the viewpoint character speculate on this if you’re using a deeper third-person perspective, but you cannot - unless your viewpoint character is meant to be telepathic - directly tell the audience why another character is doing something without breaking the very mechanism that makes this viewpoint such a solid go-to choice.
Okay Idea feels like the precursor to Advice idk how to put it really but in terms of general sound, mixing, intensity and storytelling they kinda feel like a duology
And then if i go back a bit further Holy Water is their ancestor
Am i making sense??
Hm. I don't know about the sound and mixing (I really have a problem with the mixing of IDEA towards the end of the song, the arrangement they added in the lives should've been the official audio, but I digress). But yes, they’re both very intense!!
I totally see where you are coming from with how they can be taken together as a two-parter. If with IDEA he's confronting and rearranging the dualities, pre-conceived notions and shadows that are within him to free himself and become his own ''IDEA'' then with Advice he is presenting that fully formed ''IDEA'' and telling the world that no matter what they have to say about it, this creation of himself will keep being shaped, molded and perfected by him only and on his terms.
He is the sculptor of his own statue, he is the creator of his own silhouette, he is the owner of his own identity. The possibilities are infinite if he is in control of his own narrative. He can be the one to save himself from whatever kept him captive before and prevented him from free expression. So yeah IDEA does seem to create a trail to Advice.
That's why I don't get people who are shocked by Advice when he's been bringing us all one step at a time towards it.
About Holy Water, which tbh, I think I had never heard before (that's the issue with me hyperfixating, I neglect stuff and never come back to them), but I see what you're talking about and it just makes me go back to Taemin's overarching theme of trying to find salvation from his inner turmoil. And it seems like in this song and others, he would try to look for it outside of himself, in something bigger than himself, but in his most recent releases, his quest for salvation seems to have turned inwards. He has decided to become his own messiah, to find his own sense of self and to ultimately find - freedom and peace.
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Sorry for the serious lack of productivity here. I’ve been trying to learn code to make more complicated mods, but it’s difficult to do on my own and I’m still working on rebuilding the mods I lost months ago, which is most of them. Sadly. I will try to have something posted this week, though I can’t promise. I’ve been meaning to update you all for a while and I’m so sorry it took me so long.
But the important thing is, I’m determined to figure all this coding stuff out and I am determined to at least get some traits out in the meantime.
Q&A: The One Armed Bodyguard's Greatest Foe: Doors
I have a character who is a skilled warrior (guard for the royal family’s children) and was born without their left arm. They mostly fight unarmed, however, I don’t think that would be super effective against someone with a sword. Are there weapons that someone could use efficiently with one arm?
“They mostly fight unarmed?” I think I see what you did there.
You’re correct that an unarmed fighter would be at a significant disadvantage when going up against someone armed with a sword, or anyone with an extra arm they can use to strike with while parrying an incoming blow.
The hard thing with questions like this stems from a misunderstanding about combat. Combat isn’t about being, “good enough,” it’s about leveraging any advantage over your foe.
A sword vastly increases one’s reach and lethality. As we’ve mentioned before, reach is an incredibly important part of combat, but is frequently overlooked in entertainment. If someone can kill you at a distance where you cannot respond, you have no path to victory.
You’ve heard the cliché of bringing a knife to a gunfight, and that’s because of range. The problem is, while it’s a less extreme example, bringing a fist to a swordfight will be just as suicidal.
So, what weapons can someone use effectively with one hand? Well the sword comes to mind immediately. Most swords are usable one handed, even the large two handers, such as the zweihander or claymore. The two-handers will be more awkward in a single hand, but they are usable.
Competitive fencing is no stranger to one armed duelists. Particularly with weapons like the rapier or foil, your off-hand is primarily used for balance, and a one-armed fighter, who can adjust to their lack of an arm, is not at any real disadvantage.
In fact, loss of the non-dominant arm in fencing is not enough to make someone eligible for the Paralympics. As far as Olympic and Paralympic rules are concerned, a one armed fencer is not considered disabled. There are even a few very successful examples, such as the elusive Al Snyder, who was the 1944 US National Foil Champion. From what I can understand, he lost his right arm to a shotgun blast as a child, and took up fencing in college (at Stanford) with an exceptional competitive record.
It’s been less than two months since we last mentioned Götz von Berlichingen, but if we’re on the topic of one armed soldiers, he is an important example.
If all of this sounds unusually positive, I do have an issue, and it’s a big one.
…(guard for the royal family’s children)…
I have absolutely no problem seeing someone like this as a swordmaster or master at arms. I could see someone like this training members of the royal family in the use of the sword. Possibly even see them as the commander of the palace guard. It would depend on personal history, but these are all (conditionally) plausible.
As a minor nitpick, I think it’s more plausible if they lost their arm in combat, rather than as a congenital defect, simply because that would smooth the line for how they got into their position. It makes a lot of sense for a member of the royal family to keep someone around who’s been their trusted personal guard for the last 30 years, and lost an arm defending against a failed coup a decade back, while moving them into a position where they’re still as valuable. It makes less sense for the master of the guard to look at a one armed kid who wants to sign up, and say, “yeah, we’ll take you.”
The problem is the job itself. It’s not that I don’t think the character can fight. It’s that I know they cannot open a door behind them while keeping their weapon trained on the assassin who just burst through the window.
That may sound petty, but it’s the tip of an iceberg. You have a character who cannot use their off hand to take any action while they have their weapon drawn. (Because the off-hand doesn’t exist.)
The example above is one of the more glaring issues: They cannot open a door or operate any machinery without putting away their weapon. In a situation where seconds matter, that could easily be fatal for the children. Relying on the children to keep their cool during a crisis is an incredible gamble.
Similarly, when faced with an opponent armed with a shield or parrying dagger, they are in extreme jeopardy. If their strike is blocked or deflected, they have no defense against a riposte. This is not a consideration in fencing, because, in a sport environment, competitors have standardized equipment, and rules designed to ensure a fair match. None of this is true when your character is in an actual battle (or fending off assassins.)
Now, if the question is, do I think a sufficiently hardened one-armed swordfighter could safely dispatch a four limbed assailant? Yeah. Absolutely. However, assigning them as the personal bodyguard (no matter how good they are) would be irresponsible for several reasons.
First, that door example means they can’t evacuate the children from a dangerous situation without dropping their guard. This is more universal than the specifics would suggest.
Similarly, they can’t carry an injured child to safety and open doors on the way. Realistically, that’s a much more pressing concern. It’s unlikely that the royal children are presented with attempts on their life on a regular basis. However, the risk that one of the kids is injured by… anything, and incapacitated is a real danger.
Those kids are not just kids. In a, hereditary monarchy, they are simultaneously, and incredibly valuable diplomatic resource, and the continuity of government. Only giving them a single guard collectively, no matter how many limbs they have, is extremely concerning.
Again, I could see a one-armed veteran guard acting as the head of their security detail, but that would be talking about your character having a squad of guards at their command, not simply being, “their personal guard.” Particularly, if your one-armed character is (almost) always accompanied by a subordinate.
So, what could the use? A sword. But, that’s not the biggest issue here.
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Q&A: The One Armed Bodyguard’s Greatest Foe: Doors was originally published on How to Fight Write.
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The things Jimin said on Weverse are so comforting. Not only that. He made sure to use simple words so us international Army would get the right translation from Weverse instead of having to look it up somewhere else. Jimin is comfort in person. He's so precious, sometimes I can't even believe he's real. I'm so thankful that we have him. And that's why I absolutely don't understand how people could ever hate on him when he spreads nothing but love for us.
He is literally an angel, our prince. Comfort personified. I always listen to promise whenever I'm having a bad day.
He commented in a textbook like manner so it was easier for the bot translator for international ARMYs and just spread all his love around. My favorite was him telling the ARMY not worry about illegally streaming and that they all still love her. Lol he really is the best 💜
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I used to think love was stolen glances, skipped heartbeats, die-if-he-doesn’t-text-back, breathless, and all-consuming.
You’ve redefined what love is to me.
Love is holding hands in the grocery store. Love is you walking on the outside of the sidewalk because you don’t want me close to the cars. Love is scratching your back to help you fall asleep first.
Love is watching you make blueberry pancakes. Love is letting you pick the movie. Love is playing sports and laughing until we collapse.
Love is peaceful. Love is joy. Love is all the little things.
Love is discovering that a person’s flaws can be some of the most endearing things about them.
Love is the way I feel when you look at me.
Love is beautiful. Love is safe. Love, to me, is you.
for those of you listening to the Dylan James affirmation tapes!!!
if u don’t already know, there is an app called Musi where you can download youtube videos and listen to them while you’re on other apps! that way you can close your phone and it will play overnight without your phone overheating or stopping!!!!
i’ve seen some ppl expressing this concern so i thought i’d help y’all out!
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so my brother and his fiancee are breaking up!! which means i’ve been to three musicals with two of my brothers’ ex-girlfriends
i have been “friends” with this boy since 6th grade. we met through a mutual friend and just started talking and immediately there was something there. from there it was always friends but something more because there was always this tension between us. there were times where we had a temporary thing but something always got in the way. i was always there for him no matter how many times it didn’t work out or the position we were in. so like basically it’s been ‘right place, wrong time’ ??
soon i had to move somewhere else and that out more of a strain. though one day he reached out to me and basically confessed his feelings and spilled out everything. from there we had this thing going on until it kinda fell out of place. we both ‘decided’ that it was better to stop talking and start off as friends again. but we have been just friends for so long and its just hurting now. it also doesn’t help that we’re going to different schools really far away and i don’t know if i can watch him find someone else while i’m still in love with him. how can i get over it??
Sorry for the delay on a response, I've been busy moving (still in the process)
Anyways, so there are 2 options you can do. For one, you can literally get over it and accept that you two will not be dating in the future and accept that as fate. Be happy for him when he finds someone new and be supportive of that genuinely. Now option 1 takes a lot of growing and acceptance, and it will almost always feel hard/weird at first when they do find someone, but it is possible.
Option 2, you forget about him and move on with your life. If you can't be friends with him and watch him date other people (which is totally valid and very common), then you need to move on because this is hurting you. You guys had a moment and now you're far away so maybe its time to start the next phase of your life.
Posted June 14, 2021
started thinking ab my hernia and lo u get symptoms brains r fuckin stupid
Hello, I don’t know how this question is going to come off but how do you stay so unproblematic? I’m sorry if this question is off but I had a very bad fight with my online friend. I really don’t know how to handle this because we are so close and I’m beginning to question some other so called “friends” because they don’t ever give me as much as I give them. I’m sorry.
this question isn’t really off don’t you worry. i’ve had the unfortunate experience with dealing with trashy internet friends and having to depart with some evacuee they didn’t meet up with my morals. i’m a person who keeps my dignity and my principles wherever I go and that applies with friends as well. if anyone doesn’t match my standards or doesn’t even carry a ounce of morality I keep away from them.
it’s all about paving a way for you to enjoy yourself and saving your peace from future heartbreaks. to keep your time on here harmonious and not mope over shitty people that didn’t even deserve your presence or chance of conversation. so think about the fight you had over your friend, you can try to find a resolution with them if they want to resolve but if they don’t just save your peace and break it off with them.
as for your other “friends” I suggest that you keep your distance. we all have busy lives and have schedules and responsibilities that keep us from interaction. although if you genuinely think that they are purposely not reciprocating your energy (or not giving you the amount of mutual support you’d like to receive) than do what I suggest, distance yourself and interact with people that do make you happy.
hell, you can always unfollow them so you don’t even see them on the dash. it always works for me when I have bad gut feelings about people or want nothing to do with people that don’t even consider me as a friend unless they want something from me.
you don’t gotta apologize, I hope this makes sense and always know that this app can be overwhelming. it’s alright to step back and focus on the present away front he screen. love you cherub.
Can someone give me life advice?
So like I have a bunch of assignments to work on and my mom just tells me to “do what I can” but that’s so vague cause I can do a lot I’m just not sure how much of it will be worth my time. Is it worth it to do these Spanish assignments that took me a weirdly long time to complete or will the quizzes be enough? Is it worth it to do all my biology assignments? I just don’t know.
I’ve already done a lot of them.
I have to turn in my chromebook tomorrow or the day after.
I don’t know what’s worth my time. I don’t know what to do.
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TW ; transphobia, homophobia, forcing religion ( Christianity ) onto others. Be aware, slurs. this may trigger you.
Hello, I’m currently 12 years old ftm ( has never read ANY of your fics out of respect ) but the only reason I’m here is to ask you ways to hide being trans. My entire family is Christian / homophobic and I’m pretty sure I’m the only lgbtq+ person in the entire family. I need ways I can look / do masculine things without being called out for it / exposed by my family.
i'm not the best at this but,,
you can use sports bras to bind and wear oversized clothes. if they ask about it, just say you're more comfortable when you dress like that.
if you can't cut your hair in a "masc" way just do it shoulder length or maybe a mullet since those aren't stereotypical "masc" hairstyles. if neither of those things are possible just put your hair up and wear a beanie
if you wear dark clothes bc it can hide your hips.( i don't suggest wearing skinny jeans or whatever since it'll just show your femininity but that's just a thing i do so you don't have to)
use men's deodorant and you can just say it's nicer
you can try to sit manspread as well??
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Part Ten- The List
The man that is staying with us is of a higher caliber from looks alone. His hair is always done and his eyes are sharp. I have not spoken to him since he came to our home. I suppose now I have no choice. He has not eaten in days. I feel it is my responsibility to feed him. He is staying in a room far separated so as to set Lila’s mind at ease. I approach the door and knock sharply and wait. I wait for three minutes. It is too late for him to still be asleep. I announce that I will be coming in. I open the door. There is a smell unlike any that I have ever smelled before. It makes me sick. I manage to make it to the bathroom. I do not want to go back to his room, but it seems I have no choice. There is a rag in the kitchen that I grab on my way to the room. I stuff my nose into it and shove the door open once more. I am acutely aware of the rag’s inability to stop the worst of the smell, but I have no choice now.
I step inside. Nothing appears out of the ordinary except for the stench, but for now I fling it from my mind. I have no choice. The man is not here. He is not in the bedroom at least. I open the bathroom door. I turn around and vomit once more. I am afraid to turn back around. He was hanging there not like a man, but like a stone. It looked like the rope was from an old cartoon, where each end is frayed, trying to break against his weight. It looked like he was trying to claw free. I do not want to look again. But I don’t know what to do. I couldn’t show Lila. This was not a scar she needed. So I opened the window. The air leaked in. I went to the house across the street. They scoffed at me, called me a liar, but walked over anyways because they were interested in my claims. They stared at the body, gave a little giggle, and then helped me pull it down. There was a bin down the block that we put him in. The neighbor walks back to their house shaking their head. I don’t know why he was that way. He seemed to be mocking me. I don’t like it.
By the time Lila got home from wherever she had been, nothing was wrong. Well, almost nothing was wrong. I had scrubbed the bathroom head to toe with bleach, hoping the stench would be masked by something at least stronger. It worked for the most part. I tried to do the same thing with my brain. I closed my eyes as tight as I could and pressed my palms as deep as I could into my sockets. I watched as the mandalas formed beneath my eyelids and they danced and sung to me. I could not see while they danced. When I opened my eyes again, the world appeared slowly. First the sink and the rags that blinded me with their light tones and then the light and the mirror and myself staring back. He was still there, another body added to the list of those partially remembered and never known.
I didn’t know what to tell her. I walked down to the kitchen where she sat drinking something. It smelled strong.
“Where have you been darling?”
“I went to run some errands.” She smiled a quiet smile to herself. I felt like I was intruding on something by being privy to its quirks.
“Oh, did you buy me anything special?” I gave her an extravagant smirk so she would know I was joking. I never wanted to think I expected anything from her. Even still, she closed her hand into a fist. I don’t know why she did that. She didn’t seem angry.
“Not today. Get me some food would ya.” Tonight was my night. I had forgotten.
“Before I start cooking---”
“You haven’t even made anything yet?”
“No, I have something we need to talk about.” She was suspicious of my words. As if I had given her some reason to doubt my honesty and reliability.
“Okay, what is it?”
“That man… the one staying in the guest room, I found him hanging in the bathroom today.” She giggled a little bit. I’m not very sure why.
“Okay did you get rid of it?”
“Good. D’ya need me to make dinner for us tonight, then?”
“I got it. Don’t worry. You can sit and watch things or whatever pleases you.”