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We’ve all gone through it, or so I think we all have. I’m talking about breakups with friends. They’re arguably worse than a breakup from a relationship because even though a boyfriend (or girlfriend, I don’t discriminate) can feel like your best friend, the romance is what ties you to them. But with a “best friend”, it hurts more because you connect with that person solely because you connected with the PERSON. Your likes and dislikes tied you to each other and you chose to keep each other your life.

But sometimes, you get to a point where that friendship is hurting you more than helping you. And no matter how many excuses you make, the good in the person no longer makes up for the bad. This has happened to me quite a few times, and the latest one happened recently.

I had been friends with Anna (name changed for confidentiality) for about 6 years. Things seemed like they were going great until the past year and a half. Whether she had cause to be upset with me or not (even if it was the most minute circumstance) she would immediately go to the an emphatically angry place and borderline abusive. Every time someone asked me why I still put up with her or was the ~better person~ I would say “she’s had rough life, and I know what it’s like. She doesn’t need her best friend stirring things up either.” Perhaps she was always like this and I chose to ignore it…that’s probably the case. 

Here’s how the breakup started:

 I woke up to yet another rage text from her (these had been happening roughly every 3 weeks for a while now). She was hounding me (complete pun intended) about her dog that I had checked on the previous night because it was sick. While I was there, I spent some time on my phone trying to figure something out with my university account. Anna has a security camera installed and apparently she had been thinking for a while that I wasn’t engaging with her dog enough when I watched/checked on her and was taking great offense to it. I will admit, every time I watched that dog, I didn’t always play with her as much as others times, most likely because I had things to take care of (I have no problem admitting when I’ve screwed up). But I will say, undoubtedly, that I let that dog out twice every time I check on her (when I get there and before I leave) while also refilling her food bowl and giving her fresh water. I replied back and said, “you’re right, she’s your dog. And if I had been caring for your dog in a way that didn’t please you, you should have told me earlier so that I could change that behavior.”

She asked me to give her spare key back to her house, which I interpreted as “fuck you, I want nothing to do with you anymore” so I brought it to her house and left it in the mailbox. I then checked instagram, where I discovered that the night prior she posted a “Best Friend Application” on her story. By then I was truly sure she was ending the friendship maliciously. I confronted her about it and she claimed that she was drunk when she posted it. Regardless, this does not excuse the fact that she did it or the intent behind it. She then went on to blame me for her high taxes because I get compensated by the state government to care of my sickly mother who has a laundry list of medical conditions and needs help. Mind you, she’s a restaurant server so her taxes will inevitably be high. She also said, “You live in a naive world. Grow up and stop being so sensitive.” That’s when I truly realized how reminiscent she was of my former abusive step father how had verbally abused me from the time I was five, physically abused from the time I was 10, and sexually abused me from the time I was 15. She was just as toxic as him. She never wanted me to have other friends, threw a fit when I casually mentioned that if I ever got married my cousin would be my maid of honor, and denounced every guy I dated or talked to. Oh, did I forget to mention the fact that she had admitted on multiple occasions that she was in love with me despite the fact that she’s been a committed relationship with a guy for 4 years?

So, I finally told her how I felt. I didn’t appreciate how she defaulted to anger and malice every time she was upset, when I would never dream of reacting that way to anyone, especially someone I cared about and loved. I asked her to return my cardigan that I’d left at her house for a year. Her boyfriend texted me telling me to give back the painting that she made me for my birthday. I bought a Keurig for them, was I asking for that back? No. Because it was a GIFT and I’m not that petty.

So that’s what happened with my most recent friend breakup. Luckily for me, this is one of those friendship breakups where it’s ending for the best. It keeps me from more sadness and stress, when I should feel none of the sort. I eventually began to feel resolve,  emancipation almost.

But what happens when the friendship doesn’t end for the better, or you can’t even figure out why it happened in the first place? Well, your friendly neighborhood Carrie Bradshaw wannabe will tell you. Or at least, I’ll try to tell you (from my experience). Those breaks are the most painful because as far as you know, there was nothing wrong in the first place, it came out of nowhere.    I’ve had quite a few of these breaks and no matter how many times I go through it, it never gets easier. Not once. But I’ve learned a few things that help you move through the healing process, because that’s truly what it is. So, here’s my detailed list:

1. Lean on the positive people you do have in your life, whether one is closer to you than the other. Talk to them about the end of the friendship, ask them to distract you, or talk about something random, but just do something with them!


2. If you have a good relationship with your mom, cherish it and talk to her about what’s going on. She may be able to give you advice. Take advantage of her capacity to listen without judgement. And take advantage of her emotional availability and life experience. Even if you feel like she doesn’t understand you, trust me, she does. And she understands what you’re going through because she’s definitely gone through it. 


3. No matter how much you want to, don’t reach out to the former friend. Don’t do it, it’ll either hurt you more (if they respond back in a mean way) or make you feel pathetic (if they don’t respond back at all). I’ve done both. If they were the one to stop talking to you and they want to rectify it, they’ll reach out to you. Have faith in that but definitely don’t depend on it.


4. For god’s sake, resist the urge to check their social media (at least until you’re in a good head space to handle it). Mute them, block them if you have to! Don’t feel shame. Side note - make blocking them a worst case scenario. Save that for if they continue to degrade/berate/harass you. Because, if they discover that you blocked them, that could create a whole other can of worms that you may not be mentally or emotionally prepared to deal with.


5. This is the last one. Try to be kind to yourself. It’s hard but do your best not to beat yourself up over something that you don’t even understand. Don’t obsess, or at least try not to. There is no way of knowing why the friendship ended in this scenario and hold on to that fact rather than creating reasons out of thin air.

I say all of this when admittedly, I’ve not always followed these guidelines. That’s because they’re guidelines, suggestions even. You’re not perfect. Nobody is. It’s is a absolute cliche but there is also absolute truth to this. Just because that friend didn’t treat you with kindness doesn’t mean you can’t be kind to others and yourself.

That’s all for now.

H.

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Spotify Pro Tip: Not sure if your playlist is properly shuffled? Set it to be organized alphabetically so you’ll always know when it’s shuffled without having to memorize whatever god forsaken excuse of organization your playlist’s usually in

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What to do in Quarantine?

  1. Paint or draw, whatever u want. Watercolors are easiet and cheepest.
  2. Give yourself a makeover.
  3. Try new recipes if you’re into cooking.
  4. Do a mini concert in your room at 1:00am
  5. Install some games and play em ! I’m super into video games so i play big ones (cod, nfs, ac, cs:go) but u can play less heavy games.
  6. Binge watch fun movies !! (Recommendations: the Toy Story series, scott pilgrim vs the world, 21 jump street, edge of seventeen, daddy’s home, hotel for dogs, project x, Harry potter 😂♥, clueless)
  7. Spend more time with your family ♥
  8. Start a new TV series (Recommendations: Agents of shield, Deadly Class, Brooklyn 99, Peaky Blinders, Supernatural, DC titans)
  9. Hit up old friends.
  10. Make new online friends :3
  11. Read a book. Luckily i had just got a new one before the lockdown so I’m good. If you’re not into reading very much, try a short story book. Once u enjoy it u might end up reading more.
  12. Learn a new skill (a magic trick, editing, sewing, etc)
  13. Make new clothes. Sew em !
  14. Go play those online dress up games u used to when you were young. Surprisingly they’re still addicting 😂
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Random life hacks

  • To deseed an avocado quickly take a spoon and quickly scoop out the pit
  • Dust your plants if you have allergies
  • Make your bed every day
  • Put on deodorant at night
  • Keep colored pencils stored upright
  • Use the same hanger thought your closet
  • Have a separate spot to do schoolwork or work
  • Remove your make up using coconut oil
  • Write your daily motivation on the mirror in dry eraser market
  • Keep your special items out of reach of small hands
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Happy things to make your day nicer during curfew

- pile up your favorite books next to a comfy place and reread all of them

- Write someone a letter

- bake a cake/ cook something exclusive

- Video call some friends for coffee and each have your own mug at home

- catch up with someone you haven’t talked to in a while via video call

- watch your favorite series all day long

- start creative journaling

- learn an instrument

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