#which is incredibly annoying because hey man!! you’ve been telling me I’m fat since I was SIXXX

[fregget-frou]

Minor vent today was just really bad :p

—-

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Ok I don’t know if this is dumb to ask but is it embarrassing to need to go home because of period cramps?? I think I made a big deal but I mean I did pass out but also I’ve heard people do deal with it??? I’m pissing off my parents because I’ve been sick so often and having to make them leave work because of it. It hurt alot but like. Idk.! I’m not even sure if I should’ve even gone home????? I just oh my god I feel really dumb and weak for some reason but also I get it because I passed out from the pain and this just does not happen but also I was told to ask my doctor which I know he’ll just say it’s my weight but. I don’t fucking know. I feel like I’m gaslighting myself and having a meltdown over a scratch but it’s not a scratch to me but aLSO I know that even if it wasn’t I should react and cause problems I’m being a burden. I mean they said it themselves I’m disrupting their work more often and I don’t want to do that but the last time I tried to tough it out I had to go to the ER which made an even bigger disruption and I just don’t wanna do that again.

Ok I don’t know if this is dumb to ask but is it embarrassing to need to go home because of period cramps?? I think I made a big deal but I mean I did pass out but also I’ve heard people do deal with it??? I’m pissing off my parents because I’ve been sick so often and having to make them leave work because of it. It hurt alot but like. Idk.! I’m not even sure if I should’ve even gone home????? I just oh my god I feel really dumb and weak for some reason but also I get it because I passed out from the pain and this just does not happen but also I was told to ask my doctor which I know he’ll just say it’s my weight but. I don’t fucking know. I feel like I’m gaslighting myself and having a meltdown over a scratch but it’s not a scratch to me but aLSO I know that even if it wasn’t I should react and cause problems I’m being a burden. I mean they said it themselves I’m disrupting their work more often and I don’t want to do that but the last time I tried to tough it out I had to go to the ER which made an even bigger disruption and I just don’t wanna do that again.

#kinda wish the school nurse had pain killers but we don’t have them #I did yknow throw up but but #I could be overreacting #I know that’s what my doctor will say!! fucking hate that because I know he only has 2 responses to me it’s either because I’m fat or it’s #it’s just normal #I am AWARE that I’m fat #you don’t have to say everything is wrong about me and that I should suffer through things because of it man #I think he thinks I don’t know #which is incredibly annoying because hey man!! you’ve been telling me I’m fat since I was SIXXX #YOU DONT NEED TO FUCKING REPEAT IT AND BRING IY UPP #I KNKW #I KNOW #I FUCKING KNOW #MAYBE #JUST MAYBE IM GOING TO YOU FOR ACTUAL MEDICAL HELP #THAT IS RELATED TO MY #ILLNESS THAT HAS BEEN CONTINUOUSLY ATTACKING ME #I DONT KNOW WHATS WRONG WITH ME #BUT I SURE AS HELL KNOW ITS NOT JUST BECAUSE IM FAT #it’s so hard to not relapse right now #ohhh the ed that’s just asking to come back and kill me is waiting for this #I can feel my mental health deteriorating every day!!! #I AM FULLY CONSCIOUS MY MIND AND BODY ROTTING AROUND ME #I AM IN HELL.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #455

“but you didn’t have to cut me off  /  make it like it never happened and that we were nothing”

Are you and the last person you kissed in a relationship or just friends? We're besties! :') Has anyone ever pointed out that your laugh was unusual? No. Would you get a lip piercing? I already have a vertical labret. I've considered getting spiked snakebites (they might be called devil bites?) too, though. With a vertical labret, it looks sick as FUCK. It might be a bit much too close together for me, though, idk. Nose piercing? I want my right nostril re-pierced. What are you currently waiting for? Girt to message me back. I've decided what I want out of our relationship and just want to see him. Do you have feelings for anyone? Hit me pretty hard through a lot of examination of my feelings that yeah, I do. Have you ever run over an animal? Oh my god no, I would be DESTROYED. Have you chewed gum after someone else already has? bro what the fuck When people sneeze do you say ‘bless you’? I do only out of expectation. I don't want someone to think I'm an ass or something for not saying it. When was the last time you were on a bouncy castle? A few years ago for my niece's birthday. She was scared of how loud it was and was very reluctant to get near it, so my fat ass got in there with everyone else to show her it was fine lol. I can't remember if she eventually got in. She loves them now, though. :') Have you ever went on a bouncy castle whilst drunk? No, but thanks for the idea, ha ha. Have you ever entered an art competition? Yes. What is one thing you will never do? Try hardcore drugs. What is one food that you detest? Asparagus. Did you have a rebellious phase growing up? Not really. What religion were you brought up with? Roman Catholic. Are you still that religion? GOD NO. Do you often find yourself questioning your future? That's my full-time job. How many friends do you have on Facebook? 124. What sort of music did you listen to when you were in high school? The same I listen to now. What pet names do you use with your significant other? I'm single rn, but usually, I go for "sweetie/sweetheart," "hunny," "love," "dear," stuff like that. What’s the name of the store you usually get your groceries? Wal-Mart. Have you ever seen a theatre show? Yes. What’s your favourite vegetable? Broccoli. Have you ever missed a flight? Yes. I was SO fuckin upset because it was on Sara's birthday and planned in secret, and I was supposed to wake her up. It still wound up being a big surprise to her when she walked into her room and I was chillin' at her desk, ha ha, but I still wish it coulda gone as originally planned. Do your neighbours have any pets? Have you ever met them? Yes; they have a yappy-ass dog that doesn't shut up. I haven't met them. What color is your bedroom door? White. If you were ever to become famous, would you grow annoyed at fans? This may sound very ungrateful, but I have heard A LOT of celebrities say it: it would get old, being stopped constantly in public for signatures, pictures, etc. Like yes, I still WOULD be grateful, but I'd miss just being off the radar and able to go outside carrying out chores and stuff like a normal person. Have you ever met your favourite band/singer? No. :( Are you embarrassed by any of the songs/singers/bands you like? Nah, not nowadays. Have you ever written a story? Yes, a kinda short one when I was little. Think of the last poem you wrote: What inspired you to write it? The breakup with Jason and the fact we're just strangers again. It was really short, but I like it a lot, honestly. Do you have a chance with the person you like right now? I think so. What’s the weirdest thing you were scared of as a child? A skeleton in my closet, lol. Literally. Are there any embarrassing stories your family tells about you? alkdsjflakjwle yes In your opinion, what is the funniest TV show? That '70s Show. 3rd Rock From the Sun is high up there, too. What is the maximum number of children you’d ever have? HYPOTHETICALLY, two, but I'm pretty damn serious about having none. I just always feel kinda bad for children without a sibling, but three would make me pull my hair out. Have you ever been concerned you had a serious illness? Yes. I overreact to even minor symptoms to ANYTHING. Are you comfortable with who you are? No. Pretty much everything about myself embarrasses me, even if it shouldn't. Would you date someone even if you knew you’d get made fun of for it? Yes? Others' opinions don't affect how I feel about someone. Does popularity matter to you at all? No, outside of trying to be a successful photographer. Would you ever consider homeschooling your children? If they really wanted that and it would benefit them, yes. Who told you about the band/singer you are currently listening to? I discovered them myself. Do you ever read fanfiction? Nah. Would you rather die in a plane crash, ship wreck or fire? Jesus. A plane crash, I guess, because in a lot of cases, it would be an immediate death. What are your top five favourite TV shows? Meerkat Manor, Fullmetal Alchemist (and Brotherhood; shut up, they go together), That '70s Show, Ginga Densetsu Weed, and Deadman Wonderland. What is your favorite superhero movie? Logan. If you died next week, what would be the cause of death? Uhhhh idk... I guess maybe a heart attack? Judging by doctor appointments, my heart is just fine, but the fact still remains that I'm technically obese, so that's always a risk. Have you ever taken a break from Facebook or other social media? Why? Facebook, yes. It was just depressing me. I was playing the comparison game REAL hard. Who is the most talented person you know? I dunno. I know many people talented in a lot of areas. Are you currently platonic friends with anyone you’ve had sex with? No. Where did you and your current interest go on your first date? Bowling. Have you ever experienced two people fighting over you (physically or mentally)? What happened? Jason and Juan pursued me at the same time. They'd known each other in the past, and Juan hated him for "winning" his ex-girlfriend. Then when Jason and I got together, Juan wasn't the happiest for sure. Have your parents ever thought you were gay? What happened? Before I actually came out as bisexual, I don't think so? Are your parents more liberal or conservative? Conservative. Mom is more open, but still conservative. I think. What year are you going into at the beginning of the next academic year? I'm not in school. How far away does your closest family member live? I live with Mom. If you’ve seen both, did you prefer the Disney version or the Tim Burton version of Alice in Wonderland? I actually strongly prefer Tim Burton's. Would you have sex before marriage? Why or why not? Yeah. I just want to be in a long-term, serious, healthy relationship to reach that point and be as safe as possible about it. Are you more liberal or conservative? Liberal, but I do have some conservative beliefs, too. Who is your favorite Harry Potter character? I don't have one, given I never got into that franchise. What’s the worst that could come out of letting gays marry? Not a goddamn thing. What’s the most sexual thing you’ve done? Done "the thing." Name something that you are against. I'll go with an unconventional one that's a problem as of the late: making owning reptiles illegal. Why are you against it? Because reptiles are perfectly capable of being brilliant pets and, most importantly, can tame people's fears of them. I think that it's very important to see the worth and beauty in all animals, and reptiles are one of the most unappreciated families out there. :/ Have you ever played the Tomb Raider games? I played some of either the first or second one. I could never beat it. Old games are hard, man. Do you like it or hate it when your partner is clingy? I absolutely believe that it can get to an extreme that I don't like, but for the most part, I don't mind a clingy partner because hey, I am too. Beatles or Rolling Stones? Stonessss. When was the last time you changed your opinion on somebody? It'd been on my mind for a while, but I *officially* realized that I really do like-like Girt a couple days ago. And since then it's gotten a bit hardcore and all I wanna do is talk to him bc fuck me and how attached to people I get. What was the last thing that made you feel proud and why? Every single time I go to the gym, I feel proud of myself because it REALLY takes a lot out of me. Do you feel uncomfortable when people you hardly know confide in you? Nope. I'm willing to be a shoulder to cry on for like... anyone. If you're hurting, talk to someone. I'll be there as an easy option. What was the last thing to fascinate you? It was... INCREDIBLY disturbing and almost nauseating even for me, but I saw a video of a dead whale explode. It was GRUESOME. Guts just kept coming and coming and coming and :x Is there a certain noise/sound which scares you? Hmmm... I'm sure there is, but what, it's not coming to me. Sudden, loud noises are an obvious answer. Do you have a favourite microorganism? ... No, I can't say I do. Out of the people you know, whose birthday is next? Girt's, actually. It's in October. If you have pet fish do you bother to name them? I did when I actually had them as a kid. Do you keep your eggs in the fridge? Ye. Have you ever owned chickens? No, but that'd be cool. Fresh eggs from a properly cared for chicken taste SO much better. When did you last listen to music? Currently. NOW I'm obsessed with Melodicka Bros & Violet Orlandi's cover of "Somebody That I Used to Know." It's done in a gothic metal style and is amaaaazing.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''somebody that i used to know'' by gotye

[hattywatch]

K. Hayes -  All My Own in a Big Red Bow

A/N: This is for @hockeyandtaylorswift​, for Christmas. She requested it and I love her and she deserves the world. Also I posted this on my phone so I could get it out asap. Sorry if the formatting suffered.

Prompts:

23. “Chocolate chip is the only cookie that matters.”

24. “Is this the part where we kiss?”

"Kris, are you sure? I don't want to make it awkward. I'll be the only one from your side there." Your sister scoffs into the phone. 

"Babe, it's fine. You know how they Hayeses are. The more the merrier." You do know this. Your sister's in-laws are incredibly warm. They invited you to a pool party this past summer and  text you for your birthday.

You're right. I'm still just a little annoyed that Mom and Dad felt the need to have their midlife-crisis now and jet off to a tropical island for Christmas. They couldn't wait a week?" You hear Kris hum and there's a cry in the background. 

"I'll let you get back to it. Keep my nephew happy. I'll see you tomorrow." Kristen reminds you of the time and tells you to bring pajamas and an overnight bag so you don't have to go home and when you hear the door to the nursery and the baby's cries get louder you assure her that you've got it and hurry her off the phone. 

It could be worse; you'll be with your sister for Christmas at least. You can't really blame your parents. When they made the plans months ago you were still with your ex and planning to travel out of state to see his family, but that was months ago and you'd really rather not be alone on Christmas. The flip side is you'll spend it with your sister's perfect little family, which you're happy about, but obviously a little envious you haven't been able to find your own prince charming yet. They don't make them like Jimmy anymore, obviously. 

_______

When you get to Kris and Jimmy's house the next day you immediately relieve her of the baby, delighted to bounce him around the house on your hip and make silly noises at him. 

Glad you came to see me. I feel really special," Kris yells across the kitchen to you as she mixes up a batch of cookies for later. 

"Don't make me choose, you won't like the outcome. You know where my love lies," you hold your nephew up high over your head and blow a raspberry with your lips, aiming for an engine noise but really just spitting all over yourself. The baby doesn't seem to care much and he giggles and coos before he's plucked from your hands. 

"How's my favorite little man? Huh? You excited for Santa tonight?" Kevin lights up as he talks to his nephew and you're not really sure if you want any kids of your own, but boy does a man who's good with kids punch you right in the ovary. 

"Hey! Give him back, we were playing airplane," you whine at Kevin, all the while smiling at his stupid ugly sweater. He plops a kiss down on the baby's fuzzy head and hands him back over to you. 

"Okay, but I'm next in line. Hand him right to me or I'll never get him. My mom's vicious." Nodding, you wink and promise Kevin exactly that. 

He pats you on your back and bends down to drop a kiss on your cheek, "Sorry, hi. Where's Dennis?" 

"Merry Christmas. I don't know. Hell?" 

Kristen snorts, obviously overhearing you. "Touchy subject, Kev." You roll your eyes. 

"It's not touchy, I'm just being grinchy. We broke up, that's all." Kevin lifts his eyebrows and nods. 

"I'd say sorry to hear it, but Jim said he's a douche." He sits down on the chair across the table from you. 

"Your brother is perceptive and wise beyond his years." Kris drops a bowl of dough on the table in between you and Kevin. 

"If you're in the kitchen, you're helping. Make these into balls and put them on this cookie sheet, please? I want to check on dinner." She walks away with the grace she's always had that you've never been able to emulate, floating on air.

Kevin washes his hands and stands over the table, balling up cookie dough and putting them far too close together on the cookie sheet. When you look over you notice something's missing. 

"Kris? Where are the chocolate chips?"

"They're sugar cookies. I ran out of chips," she calls from where she's bent down checking the roast in the oven. 

"Oh no. I'm running out then. Everyone knows chocolate chip is the only cookie that matters." She nods, placating you like only a big sister can.

"Be my guest. But give me the baby, I want to feed him so he'll take a nap before dinner." She scoops him up and his little face lights up at seeing his mother and your heart breaks with love. 

"Kev, you wanna come?" Glancing at him as you shrug on your coat, he's leaning over the sink washing his hands again, but looks up when you call his name. 

"For sure." He looks at you, brows drawn and mouth in a straight line, serious. "I hate sugar cookies." He gives you a big dopey grin and you are eternally happy your sister married into this family. 

_______

"Not sure how I ended up driving," Kevin backs out of the driveway, turning and looking behind him with his big hand on the back of your headrest. 

Making your eyes big and innocent you smile up at him, "Because you blocked me in and your truck is nicer than my car." You adjust the climate control on your side of the car and he lowers the radio from the buttons on the steering wheel.

"You wanna talk about Dennis?" He glances over at you at a red light and you want to sink into your seat. 

"There's not much to tell. He started seeing someone at work and hit me with it back in September. I just moved out and that was that." It's the truth. It was a pretty clean break, your name wasn't on the lease, you didn't have a pet or child together; it was as easy as packing up your clothes, a lamp and a coffee table and it's like you were never there. 

"You find a new place yet?" You didn't expect Kevin to be so interested in your break-up, but you do get along best with him out of all of your sister's in-laws. You're close in age, goofy, and all too happy to play the part of doting aunt and uncle. 

"Why, you looking for a roommate?" Kevin sighs like you just told a bad dad-joke, but you can see he's sincere so you back off. "Nah, I didn't, though. I'm just back with my parents for now until I can find something. The commute is killing me."

You unbuckle your seatbelt as he pulls into a space at the supermarket, he walks around the car to fall into stride next to you. "I have a place in Boston I never use if you want to use it. Just a one bedroom, but I could give you the key and you can pop in whenever you need it."

That's not what you were expecting, and you're stunned, but you say thank you and promise to let him know if you want to take him up on his offer. You only see Kevin a few times a year, but every time you leave, you wish he lived a little closer because you could see the two of you being good friends. 

He picks up a shopping basket and walks over to the refrigerated section. "You can't get a log of cookie dough, Kevin. That's cheating." 

He throws two in the basket. "I don't know how to make them from scratch. What do I look like, Emril?" You dig your hands into the basket and pull the logs of dough back out to put on the shelf. 

"I'll teach you. They're better from scratch." He concedes and follows you through the store as you call Kris and take inventory on what she has and what you need. Apparently she hasn't been shopping in forever because you need everything except flour.

It feels nice to do such a domestic chore with someone so silly. He tries to sneak sour patch kids into the basket while you're in the aisle looking for chocolate chips. "Are you kidding me?" He looks around like he has no idea who could have put the yellow bag of candy in your basket. 

"You're literally a professional athlete. How can you eat like this."  He cracks open the bag of sour patch kids and pops a cherry one into his mouth. His lips pucker a little at the tart flavor, but it fades quickly and he chews happily.

"Just lucky, I guess. Still have this rockin' bod." He flexes a bicep, but it's useless under his fluffy sweater. 

"You're an idiot," it is hilarious though, so you laugh and steal a sour patch from the open bag. "Let's go checkout, they're going to kick us out since you can't be trusted around a bag of candy."

You use self checkout and Kevin bags. He taps his Apple pay to the terminal before you can even get your credit card out of your wallet. 

"I got it." He shakes his head at you, "You're gunna teach me, so I'll provide the materials," he takes the bag and you walk to the car side by side. 

By the time you get back to your sister's house, you and Kevin are chatting happily about New Year's Eve plans after he mentions he'll be back in Boston for it. Maybe you want to see him again soon, so you don't hesitate to extend an invitation to the house party you're throwing while your parents are still sunning themselves on some exotic island. 

"I mean, it's just a small group of friends. I think Kris and your brother are going to stop by for a little," you think maybe you're not playing this cool enough so you back off a little. "You could bring a plus one, obviously. The more the merrier."

You walk into the house behind Kevin, who is still holding all of the bags, and he is pushed back into you abruptly, pinning you against the front door with his strong frame. 

"Uncle Kevin!" More Hayeses have arrived since you two left, apparently. He shifts the bags to his other hand and steps away from you, lifting up his niece and placing her on his hip."Hey pretty girl," he places a kiss on her fat little cheek and she giggles. 

"Can I ask you a secret?" She says it solemnly and he nods and turns his head so she can whisper into his ear. In true childhood fashion, she cannot whisper for shit. "Is that your girlfriend?" 

You laugh and steal the bags from Kevin's hands and head towards the rest of his family to kiss them hello. Jimmy chooses to answer her first, "That's Aunt Kris' sister." The little girl nods in appreciation at the new information. 

"She's pretty like Aunt Kris. Uncle Kevin, she can be your new girlfriend." He pulls one of her pigtails and lets her down to the floor, "I'll be sure to ask, thanks for the good advice." She seems happy with his response and resumes whatever game she was playing with her grandpa before Kevin interrupted; it looks like guess who. 

"Okay I'm going to make cookies, whoever would like to join is more than welcome." You finally make it to the kitchen and drop the bags on the island. Kevin is behind you a moment later. 

"Sorry, she really liked Brooke. It's kinda hard to explain to a kid," he's mumbling through a totally unnecessary apology so you just cut it short for him. 

"So you're not my new boyfriend? Is that what you're telling me? Because I don't appreciate you doing this on Christmas, Kevin. And in front of your family? Cheap shot." 

Placing your hand on your hip you cock it out and he laughs, "Okay, okay, we can stay together until Valentine's day but then we're through." 

"That's fair," you hold out your hand and shake his, biting back a laugh. 

______

A half hour later finds you and Kevin rolling up your dough into balls and dropping it onto a baking sheet.

"These are way too close together. You know they expand when you bake them, right?" You go back over all the ones he did spreading them out.

"I don't know shit, look at me," looking up you see him holding out his hands gesturing to his sweater, which is covered in flour, white dusted all over navy blue. 

You're staring at him and laughing when he reaches his hands behind his head and pulls the sweater over the back of his head and off and you maybe forget that it's rude to stare. He's wearing an undershirt, stark white against his skin, but it creeps up a bit as he's shucking clothes and you catch a peek of toned abs and have to avert your gaze before you make this sufficiently awkward. 

By the time he's gotten his big, fat head out of his sweater you've gone back to spacing out the dough and doing your best to be cool. Like, you've obviously seen some abs before, they just haven't been attached to someone you actually enjoy and are maybe a little… attracted to?

This is a bad time for this revelation. 

It continues to be a bad time for this revelation when his niece wanders into the room all changed into Christmas PJs. "Uncle Kevin," she tugs on his t-shirt, "I want to make cookies for Santa too." 

He scoops her up and sits her on the counter next to the bowl. "Okay, watch how (Y/n) does it. She's a pro, taught me everything I know." He winks over at you and you grab a fresh baking sheet as he helps her wash her hands over the sink. 

"Okay, first we take a little bit of dough like this," you grab a piece for you and a piece for her, but then Kevin holds out his hand too, so you grab another piece and place it in his outstretched hand. "Then we roll it up like this," you roll the dough in between flat palms and make it into a little ball. 

"Wow," you see her doughy little hands making a wobbly shaped sphere and look at her amazed, "are you sure you haven't done this before? You're a natural!" She grins at you before turning to Kevin, who wears a matching mask of amazement. 

"I never did this before, Uncle Kevin. Look I'm doing good!" He's got so much love in his eyes for his family that you can barely look at the two of them without your eyes watering.

After you pop the tray in the oven you all sit down for dinner, which is just everyone shouting over each other trying to be heard while passing the mashed potatoes around the table. 

Kevin sits next to you on one side and his mom is on your other. She keeps glancing over as you chat with her son and you're feeling as self conscious as ever as she smiles at you when you start helping Kris clear the table for dessert. 

She's whispering conspiratorially to Kevin over your empty chair as you place the mountain of chocolate chip cookies in front of him. He looks miserable. 

Eventually the crowd thins out. Most of Jimmy's family lives close by in the suburbs and they'll be back early tomorrow. Apparently it's just you can Kevin spending the night, since he didn't want to drive back into the city. 

When it's just you, Kris, Jimmy, and Kevin left, the baby long since put the bed, you all leave the dining room in favor of the cushy couches in the living room. You pick up the remote and scroll through the channels before putting on A Charlie Brown Christmas. 

"Classic," Kevin turns his head towards you from where he's reclined on the couch to your right. 

About halfway through, Kris yawns. She exhausted and you understand, but you never could fall asleep on Christmas Eve. "Go to bed, Krissy. We can take care of ourselves. You out-hosted yourself today, you earned it." 

Jimmy stands and pulls her up off of the couch, "Let's go momma Hayes." She complies to him with no hesitation. Before she's halfway out of the room she's turns around and grabs a fleece blanket off of the decorative ladder against the wall and walks back to throw it over you. 

"Kevin called the guest room. You get the couch," she leans down and kisses you on the cheek. "Love you," she hugs you before scampering off to get waiting husband. 

You pause Charlie Brown. "You called the guest room, you absolute child??"

"We can share." He says it low, sleepy and raspy and from the back of his throat. 

Choosing to ignore the warmth it sends through you, you pull the blankets up to your chin, "Bully."

Charlie Brown ends and Kevin pulls the the remote from your hand. "Let's make hot chocolate."

You follow behind him on stocking feet, quiet not to wake the baby or your sister. But then Kevin gets out a pot and pulls cocoa from a pantry and this is no Swiss Miss situation. So, you push yourself up onto the counter next to the stove and watch him move quietly about the kitchen. 

"But you didn't know how to make cookies," you accuse. 

"This is a secret family recipe." He adds all of the ingredients into the pot before opening the cabinet and hiding whatever he reached for in his big hand; he covers your eyes with the other and you can hear something get added to the pot before a cabinet door closes and you see Kevin stirring with a wooden spoon, looking at you. 

"Secret ingredient. You can't know it." You bite the inside of your cheek and push your hair back off of your face. 

"Is it Vanilla extract?" The smug look flattens out in his face and he squints his eyes at you. 

"You're the devil." You laugh, leaning back on the counter before hopping down and over to the fridge. 

"Do you think they have whipped cream" you're hopeful your sister would keep it on hand. 

"Bottom shelf on the door," he's right and you spot it straight away. 

He keeps stirring the cocoa and you pop back onto the counter and uncap the whipped cream before squeezing some out on the back of your hand. You slurp it off and point the can at Kevin when he looks over at you, still licking the back of your hand. 

He tips his head back and opens his mouth, "No, gross you're not putting your mouth all over the nozzle." You slap at his shoulder. 

"I have to stir the cocoa, (y/n)." 

It sounds like a line and you're just about delirious enough to accept it, so you squeeze out a dollop onto the back of your other hand and put it in front of his face. 

He tips his head down and sucks it up, and it's a lot less sexy than you imagined this whole exchange would be, but his eyes do catch yours and they're warm in a way that has nothing to do with the flame on the range. 

The pot on the stove starts to boil and he turns off the heat and starts looking for mugs, while you try to figure out what the fuck you're doing hitting on your sister's brother-in-law. 

He hands you a mug and starts to pour into it when you look up and see his stubble is coated in whipped cream. 

"Uh, Kev," he put the pot gently back on the stove, "you've got a little," you gesture to above your lip, "here." He must be purposely obtuse when he attempts to get it off, missing entirely despite the size of his hand. 

"No, here," you gesture again and this time he tries with his tongue, still missing the sugary cream by a mile. 

"Help a guy out," is what comes out of his mouth. Not one to miss a golden opportunity, you lean over and run your thumb along his upper lip, corralling it. He tips his head up before you can pull your hand away and kisses it softly. 

You tilt your head sideways, trying to figure out your next step, but all you can come up with is to outright ask, “Is this the part where we kiss?"

He nods soberly and steps in-between your knees where you sit on the counter, hot chocolate forgotten on the island behind him, and presses his lips to yours. 

His lips taste like Christmas, sugary sweet and decadent like the cocoa on the stove. You wind your hands up into his hair, thankful that you're propped up on the counter since he's so much taller than you, you're not sure if you'd reach otherwise. 

When his hands slide down from your waist to your hips you bite into his bottom lip and hear two things. 

The first is a little moan, which you're sure came from Kevin, since you could feel it against your own mouth. 

The second sounds distinctly like the clearing of a throat and came from somewhere to the left near the fridge. You gently back away from Kevin, head against the cabinet behind you and spot Jimmy, wide-eyed, but smirking, and holding a water bottle. 

"Just wanted a drink," he holds the bottle up. "You guys can, uh- share the guest room… Just keep it down, it shares a wall with the baby's room." He practically swaggers away and you drop your head to Kevin's chest. 

"Shit." 

The next sound you hear is your sister screeching your name from her bedroom, closely followed by the resulting cry of a woken baby, and lastly Kevin laughing, clear and bubbling up through his chest where you're leaning. 

"Yikes, tomorrow is going to be fun." He kisses the top of your head and helps you down from the counter. Fun indeed. 

#kevin hayes fic #writing #hockey fic #hockey imagine #nhl fic #nhl imagine #philadelphia flyers fic #philadelphia flyers imagine

[screechingkingdomhottub]

Dear Onision & Fans

I’m just gonna clarify now that there are gonna be mentions of self harm in this so please consider this a trigger warning. I also have a weird sense of humour and have dealt with this in the past so it may sound kinda off and just please know I’m coming from a place of love and desire to help.  This is my response to this post :  https://www.onision.co/lets-talk-about-self-harm/ Very first thing is that this was linked to on twitter with the same picture that is used on the page(do not go to it without bracing yourself first, it’s a very large and triggering image) and I’ve got a few issues with that. First: That is incredibly triggering to a lot of people, seeing scars when you’re trying to stop self harming is one of the biggest things that can cause people to go back to it. I, myself, never got triggered by looking at scars so I can’t say much about it but I know for a fact that it can trigger people. It can cause people not to be distracted anymore and instead to think about it especially when it’s surrounded by the phrases “self harm” over and over like you could not be intensifying it more. Secondly, that picture is not yours. There is no source cited for it even. That’s not you, onision, that’s someone whose struggle you are profiting off of. There are ads on this and I believe it is his website where he is making money from this OR best case scenario, it’s owned by someone else and all he gets out of this is publicity and as a public figure, he profits off of publicity. Putting that picture there, of someone else’s self harm and profiting from it is so harmful.  Now onto the actual content. I’m going to try to believe he genuinely wants to help but it is hard however benefit of the doubt and all that.  “I have made tons of videos about self harm over the years… specifically the last 12 years. Tons of people have come to me saying that I’ve helped them, and that’s amazing. What that tells me, is I should never stop trying to speak my truth, my feelings & I should continue doing what I hope will help people.” This already hits home to me. I was a massive onision fan when I was self harming. I remember the videos he made were saying that you shouldn’t cut yourself cause then you won’t be able to wear t-shirts and shorts and that you should be ashamed of the scars and feel guilty cause you’re harming those around you. That mentality is so awful. Those reasons not to self harm are awful. They weren’t reasons to stop self harming, they were reasons you should feel bad and hide your scars. Because of that advice I kept quiet, didn’t want to go get actual help and instead started to cut places I could hide easier, my stomach mainly. Cutting yourself isn’t good but some better reasons to stop are: it’ll make you feel worse in the long run, you’re gonna get so much stronger and wiser and these scars you have are gonna remind you the stuff you’ve survived already and how strong, how much character, how much of everything you are. I can’t give the best advice and I’m not going to act like I can, however, I know more about it than this man does and I don’t want anyone feeling ashamed of stuff they’ve been through. Please talk to hotlines and professionals for this. So, onision, please if you want to help people talk to people that have went through it so you can stop perpetuating toxicity because I guarantee for every person you say you’ve helped, I can show you a person your videos have hurt.  “So, based on my research over the years, people cut themselves, burn themselves, pull their hair out and more, often due to self-esteem issues” Okay, but it’s not just self-esteem issues. That is drastically over simplifying mental illness. For me, personally, it was I felt like the entire world was closing in on me and needed some kind of escape. I’ve since transitioned that over to playing music and writing and being creative in general but in that state I was not thinking ethically. Other times, it’s to do with trauma which I’m not going to speak for because I do not experience that myself and don’t want to speak for anyone. I recognise he said ‘often’ so pointing out it’s not always like that is going to throw people off my argument. I wonder why people have low self esteem? Could it be people like onision telling them that their scars are something to be ashamed of, or saying that their body/a body similar to theirs is not to his standards and thus perpetuating all of their insecurities? It’s hard for me to see how a man who claims to care about these people can in the same breath call them “shrek body” and other disgusting phrases or even little comments. Yes these people signed up to be judged, and even if we ignore the fact that these are minors ‘consenting’ to being judged without their parents permission, people look similar sometimes. Think about someone who didn’t sign up for it, realising “oh wait that person has a similar body to me and he called them fat/ugly/shrek body so i must be too”. He isn’t the only one guilty of this and I stopped watching when he started rating people. However, I remember when I was really young watching a Shane Dawson video where Shane made a joke about a “titty zoo” being something where a person’s tits are smaller than their stomach and despite that being about 6 years ago now i still find myself looking down to see if i match that criteria and having it as a large insecurity. These things stick.  “Fact is, we’re all destined to die, irrelevant” Grammatically annoying, also very triggering however he does this a lot and I get the argument. What is the point in worrying when we will die anyway? But that is a slippery slope to “what is the point in anything if we all just die” which is a really common thought a lot of depressed people have in general.  “your self-image, and how you perceive others, should not hold you back from treating yourself well, or cause you to feel anyone is better than you.” I agree with this statement. Don’t see why we needed to mention the inevitability of death to make this point. I think I’ve explained already that it’s not always about how you feel about yourself and if you cared when it is then you wouldn’t be saying/doing the things you do.  He mentions something about failing a test and that it’s the test’s fault, that’s stupid. The examination structure in a lot of places is very flawed and your worth should not amount to your grades. However saying “it’s the test’s fault!” shows no desire to learn or grow or ask for where you went wrong, not saying all tests are fair but most are.  “You are incredibly upset by something, so much so that you want to distract yourself from the emotional pain. So… you think “Why not slice a line in my arm” – But the problem is, this leaves scars.” OH boy, there’s so much to unpack here but this is also really long already. The casual tone, dude you’re being serious here and saying “why not slice a line in my arm” is clearly a joking manner, it’s a mocking tone. There’s not always something that is upsetting the person, sometimes it’s a whole bunch of stuff or just their brain and it’s not tangible or obvious. Also to reiterate, the problem is not that it leaves scars, the problem is that you are harming yourself. The problem is you’re doing something that causes your mental health to be even worse in the long run, it’s incredibly addictive, if you wouldn’t do it to somebody else then you’re not the awful person you think you are and shouldn’t do it to yourself. He goes on to mention “how can you tell people not to do it, if you do it yourself” and as someone who has had students and loved ones see my scars and have to frantically explain, no one I’ve told about my self harm has self harmed as a result. They instead see the repercussions, the things I went through that I never want them to, and feel much more open about talking about their mental health with me because they know I can understand. Talking about mental health is incredibly important and I feel very valued knowing I can help prevent them from self harming. But onision loves analogies so let me try my hand, imagine a super rich person who lost all their money and became homeless, they tell you the issues they had with their money and what caused them to lose it. Do they suddenly lose the ability to advise you on the mistakes they made because they made those mistakes? Even simpler example, in cavemen times when someone ate something bad and got really ill from it, did they lose the ability to say “hey don’t eat that, that’s really bad and made me sick” because they ate it? No. Same with former/recovering people who self harm advising others on better ways to deal with mental health.  He gives options for recovering and whilst I appreciate that none of them are “watch my videos and I’ll cure you” I do have issues with these presented as all possible solutions and also as a pick one or the other.  He lists something less damaging like ice or a rubber band. The rubber band method didn’t work for me personally and it’s still physical pain which I never understood. What I did that really helped was exercising, you get pain in your muscles with the same endorphins and doctors actually recommend it for dealing with depression! His next point is “get prescribed medication” which is not that easy, doctors didn’t take me seriously until i was 18, 4 years after I started cutting. His next option falls under that as well with talk to a therapist. Self harm group is the other option and I kind of agree with that, talking to people that understand where you’re coming from and kind of what to say is very useful. I’m assuming he means a recovery group and not some pro self harm thing, if it’s the latter then i’m very against that idea.  He uses the argument of when you cut you hurt all those that care about you. I really dislike this argument especially when it’s right next to a “everyone’s going to die so it doesn’t matter what others think about you” argument. When I was self harming, I didn’t think I mattered nor did I think anyone cared about me. I also thought if they did care about me they’d want me to self harm cause it made me happy. I see now that it was they didn’t want me to struggle more. Also, if they’ve already self harmed all this argument is saying is that they’ve hurt people that they care about but what they don’t know can’t hurt them so as long as they never tell them they won’t be hurt which is incredibly unhealthy. He then continues to say this argument with “do you really love these people?” which is manipulative language and all my gripes earlier in this paragraph continue with this statement.  He mentions the alternatives to self harm by simply stating:  “The alternatives to hurting yourself are extensive.” Which honestly seems like a cop out, if you really wanted to help people like you claim why wouldn’t you list even a few? Why wouldn’t you say all the alternatives that are proven to work after you’ve been shaming them for self harming this entire time? It’s so hard to believe you want to help and I really wanted to believe you did.  “So let’s say you self harm, what are you supposed to take out of this article? What do you do?Step 1. You throw away everything you have been using to hurt yourself.Step 2. You stay away from everything that triggers you. If you have to be around it, find a way to coach yourself through it so you don’t find yourself resorting to violence again.Step 3. You start looking into how to get therapy for your problems, try to get to the root of it.Step 4. You educate others on what you have gone through, and how they can survive it like you did.” Honestly, I do not know how I feel about these steps. I feel like it’s too simple, self harm is a very person to person issue because it’s to do with mental illness which is in your brain which is different from everyone else’s brain. Even different medications don’t work for everyone. Like for me throwing away what I was using wasn’t going to be possible, or it was but it would make things worse. I used things like shaving razors which I thought I had to use for other things. Some people burn themselves on their oven or use knives which you can’t really get rid of. But I get it. I get the thought, I get what he means, I just think it’s overly simplified. Staying away from everything that triggers you isn’t always possible as well, people have abusive family members that they can’t get away from especially now with COVID19 isolation. He acknowledges this, but doesn’t seem to realise that people can’t just coach themselves out of being triggered. Some can probably but it’s not that simple. None of this is that simple. Step 4 just seems to negate what he said earlier about “how can you help people when you do it yourself” which is odd. Step 3 looking into therapy isn’t always that simple as I mentioned before.  He wraps it up decently, saying life is meaningless but suffering for no reason is more meaningless. I don’t mind that quote, rather like it if I can say that.  I’m going to wrap this up by saying recovering is hard and that’s okay. If it’s your first time trying to recover, you might relapse and whilst that’s not a good thing, it is understandable. It can feel like there’s no other option and that it’ll solve everything. This doesn’t make you any less, it does not make you weaker, it makes you someone struggling and that’s okay. Some things that have been helping me in my recovery are: not counting the days, you count the days until christmas, a relapse is not christmas and you don’t need to be reminded of it, another thing that helped a lot is never saying i was quitting, just saying “i’ll do it when necessary” that kind of mentality might be toxic as it’s implying i’ll do it again but I don’t like change or giving something up even if it is harmful so the idea of procrastinating it is a lot better for me. Another thing that helped a lot are the samaritans, and childline when I was younger, just talking to professionals that understand you and can listen is useful and online chats are too. Another thing was just being creative and leaning into the best qualities of myself. I know I’m good at puns and weird facts and whilst that’s not the same as being super athletic or smart it’s me and I appreciate that about me. You’re gonna be okay, I’ve been there, it’s hard, don’t be ashamed of your scars but try to refrain from making more okay? Thank you for reading! DMs are open!

#anti o #onision