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darisu-chan · 7 years

Text

Firsts

So I wrote this fanfiction about a week ago, but I wanted to wait to read the new chapter to add the final details. However, yesterday I was too shocked to write anything, and I finished this today. Hope you like it. This is basically Touken’s journey from Kaneki’s POV. You can also read it here.

Summary: Touka is not the first girl Kaneki likes, but she’s the first girl he loves.

Touka is not the first girl that Kaneki likes. She is definitely not the first one to catch his interest. There were others before her. He does think she’s cute when Hide points to her at the coffee shop, so long ago it seems like centuries have passed. But, although she is attractive, he has his eyes set on another girl, who unknowingly sets his life spiraling towards the path of tragedy.

Kamishiro Rize is both beautiful and smart. And she likes the same books as Kaneki does. Not to mention, she accepts going on a date with him. Kaneki is not hopeless anymore. And he thinks this could be the start of something new, until she corners him on an empty alley and tries to eat him.

His life changes forever.

There’s no time for love and dates when you become a monster, and have to deal with your new life.

Kirishima Touka is not the first girl that Kaneki Ken likes, but she’s the first girl that gets him.

She seems to dislike him at first, and Kaneki, who’s always struggled with self-esteem issues, knows why she does. He’s weak, he knows that, a coward, and annoying. There’s no reason why someone like Touka should have to deal with him. Yet, she tries. Touka teaches him how to make coffee the way Yoshimura-san does, and then she starts training with him, teaching him how to use his kagune. She tries to toughen him up, to prepare him for this wicked world. Kaneki just wishes he was a better student, but he’s grateful for the help. Touka is a survivor, a warrior, and he must become like her,

Before Kaneki realizes, Touka has taught him what he needs to know about this new world he lives in. She also saves him more than once from ghouls he ought to have known to keep out of their way.

She worries about him, and that wrenches his heart painfully and beautifully. Because Touka, −brave, smart, kind, beautiful Touka-chan− cares about him. And he is so undeserving of that attention that he doesn’t know what to do with those feelings. So he keeps them to himself.

And he also worries about her. Because she takes matters into her own hands, putting herself in danger time and time again. Maybe she’s a little like him, lonely and desperate for love, so desperate that she’d rather hurt than hurt others. And she hurts, badly. So bad, she could die easily, wilting away like a flower.

“I’d be sad if you died, Touka-chan.”

He means it.

Touka is not the first person he wants to protect, −there’s Hide, Yoshimura-san, Hinami-chan, Yomo-san, and later even Nishio-senpai and Kimi-san− but she’s the one he wants to keep from harm’s way more than anyone else.

There’s a fragility in her that makes his heart hurt. She could die so easily, and he would never know about it. The thought of her, lying dead in some alley, or having fallen prey to the CCG, makes him nauseous. Touka can’t die like that. He won’t allow it.

Yet she’s never so fragile, as Kaneki sees her then, fighting with her own brother. He’s hurt, worn, traumatized, and more fucked up than he’s ever been. But that doesn’t matter, as he sees Touka −brave, smart, kind, beautiful Touka-chan− beaten up, and about to give up. He can’t handle it. She can’t die. Not like that.

“Don’t leave me alone.” She sobs.

“I won’t.” Kaneki says, as he carefully scoops her in his arms, protecting her.

Touka looks at him surprised, either by his sudden appearance, the change in his hair, or both. He feels naked, like she can see through all that he went through and all that he did before he reached her. Kaneki suddenly feels ashamed to be in her presence. He’s done awful things she probably shouldn’t know about. So he puts her down, in a place where she’ll be safe. Resolution invades his body, like a fire that can’t be put out.

This time, Kaneki will protect her.

And he does, breaking half of her brother’s bones as punishment for what he did to her.

After everything is settled, and they all have successfully escaped from Aogiri, Touka turns to him.

“Hey, you! When we get back, why don’t we change your hair color? If you work in the shop like that, you’ll stand out a lot.”

He can’t help but smile, because Touka actually wants him to go back with her, with them, even after he has changed so much, he’s no longer the same boy she met. But, he can’t. If he is to protect her and everyone else, he has to get away and become stronger. Kaneki can no longer afford to cower behind her, knowing how easily she can die.

As he announces his plans, and others start joining him, he can see it before Touka utters the words that she wants to join him too. But Kaneki can’t afford to let her come, lest something bad might happen to her.

“I’ll go by to drink coffee once in a while. I want to see Touka-chan’s latte art. Your rabbit pictures. I like them.” I like you. “See you, Touka-chan.”

She probably realizes he just made her a promise he can’t keep. She turns away and runs from him, from the situation. Kaneki can’t blame her.

He meant those words too.

Touka is not the first person he wants to see after his long absence, but she’s the one he wants to see the most.

He didn’t lie back then. Kaneki is always with her. Because she’s always in his thoughts, deep down, even if he wants to bury those feelings. He buys her a rabbit keychain on her birthday, even if, in the end, he decides not to see her, and runs away from her, when she catches a glimpse of him.

Touka is well, continuing on with her normal life, and for that he’s happy, albeit a bit lonely. Kaneki wishes life wasn’t so complicated. He wishes that he could be with her again, even for a short time. Yoshimura-san tells him he can come back to Anteiku, to his previous life, to Touka-chan. He doesn’t know what to do, but he’s willing to mull over this.

Ironically, he runs into her on the bridge just when he’s thinking of seeing her again. She doesn’t say anything, though, she just stares at the floor, and puts her arms around herself, as if to protect herself from him.

“At Anteiku I talked with Yoshimura-san.”

He starts speaking, doesn’t know why, but he just keeps talking.

“He told me to come back to Anteiku.”

“And?” She asks expressionless, but Kaneki knows she cares about his answer.

“I don’t know… I don’t know if by joining him I can get what I want, or if I can’t.”

“So what exactly do you want?”

The question of the century.

“I want to protect everyone.” He says at last. “I want to protect Hinami, Banjou and his friends, Hide, and you Touka-chan. I don’t want to lose anyone important to me, that’s why I pulled out any interfering weeds.” And he cracks his finger−his most grotesque habit as of late.

But Touka isn’t taking any of his bullshit, and she calls him out on it.

“There is no reason we have to be protected by you. You pretend you care about other people, but in the end it’s all about you. You’re just being afraid of being alone, aren’t you? What you want is nothing more but self-satisfaction. It’s all so stupid.”

Her words hurt because they are all true. Because he can’t fool her any more than he can fool himself. And that bothers him, that pisses him off even. There are things Kaneki wishes to keep hidden, and Touka being able to read him so well, makes him feel exposed.

“You think you know me better than myself?”

“Yeah, I do.”

Touka doesn’t hesitate. She point blank tells him what she thinks. She’s straightforward, and, in any other case, that’d be an endearing trait, but not now.

“Because you’re mistaken.”

“Well, that’s okay. As long as you’re never left alone.”

And Kaneki knows he fucked up when she walks toward him with all the intention to hit him. He evades every hit and kick she sends his way, but he can’t stop the impact that her words deliver.

“You can’t even protect yourself, what makes you think you can protect others?!”

And then, she utters the phrase that destroys them both.

“Trash like you should stay out of Anteiku!”

She punches him, thinking she’s hurting him, but she had already done so with her previous statement. Kaneki understands she wants to hurt him, because in some sense he had already hurt her first.

And then Touka −brave, smart, kind, beautiful Touka-chan− looks at him grief-stricken, as if she were about to cry.

“Why did you have to change?” She says, then stands up and leaves him there, lying on the bridge, all to himself.

He decides then to do better by her, and return. If she would have him, that is.

Alas, he never goes back to Anteiku.

Inside Sasaki Haise, there are many people Kaneki wishes to see. People Kaneki wants to make sure are actually alive, and not dead. He wants to go home. It is Touka, out of everyone, who shows him his home still exists.

As Haise, he has a habit of trying different coffee shops, looking for the best coffee in Tokyo. He hasn’t had luck yet. He has been to many places, sure, but all the coffees he tastes lack something he can’t quite name. So, he keeps searching until one fateful day, along with Shirazu and Mutsuki, he finds a quaint little coffee shop named :re.

“This fragrance… This shop will surely have some good coffee.” He exclaims, unaware that he has smelled the same fragrance before.

On the counter, there’s a man that looks put off by their sudden appearance in the shop.

“Hey! How many times do I have to tell you to greet our customers?”

A voice says, and then Haise sees a beautiful woman, with short hair, and wearing a waitress uniform. Air leaves his lung. He’s mesmerized by her, but Haise has no idea why. The girl shows them to their table, and they order.

“What a super cute girl.” Shirazu comments.

Haise thinks that’s an understatement. The waitress isn’t just cute, she’s gorgeous. He’s so distracted by her, he doesn’t notice when the other man sits in front of him. Haise is startled, but the contact doesn’t last long. Then the waitress reprimands the man, who is apparently her brother. A few minutes later, she brings their coffees to the table, and when Haise takes a sip of that coffee, his world changes. It smells and tastes like a place he used to know. The coffee tastes like what home is supposed to be.

He can’t help it. He starts crying. Unknown feelings bubble inside him. He apologizes to his squad, and then the pretty waitress offers him a napkin.

“Ah, I’m sorry… It’s delicious… it really is.” Haise apologizes, because he doesn’t know what else to do. Nothing is making sense right now.

“Thank you very much.” She says simply, and gives him such a smile that leaves him breathless.

She looks a bit troubled, and a bit sad. But the thought that he once had such a beautiful person in his life crosses his mind.

It seems to be true.

Touka isn’t the first girl Kaneki likes, but she’s the first girl Haise likes.

After that first visit to :re, Haise goes there again. He liked the coffee, so that’s reason enough to return, or so he tells himself. Last time he couldn’t check the books, but now he can look at them closely. The owners seem to have a great selection, and the titles of some books seem to ring a bell. Haise would like to read them some time.

“Please help yourself.” The pretty waitress tells him.

She startles him. “Ah… thanks.”

She looks as beautiful as the other day. Haise thinks that this will be all, but she continues talking to him.

“They called you teacher earlier… Are you a school teacher?” She asks, and Haise smiles.

“Ah, no. I am a ghoul investigator. I’m their mentor.”

She nods and smiles again. Haise smiles back.

And then he keeps coming back to the shop. Soon, he’s a regular there, and every time he walks through the door, the pretty waitress is already waiting for him, with a smile on her face.

“Welcome!”

She always makes sure to brew the coffee in the exact way he likes it, and likes to converse with him. Haise feels like he can be himself with her, forgetting for a bit his responsibilities as the leader of the Quinx Squad, and all the cases he’s trying to solve. In :re, he’s just Haise, another customer. He’s no longer someone’s sensei, or the bringer of justice of the city.

Haise can’t help but to observe her, using the books he brings or borrows from her, to cover the fact he’s openly gawking at her. Haise likes to see how he waitress prepares coffee, and how she attends every single customer. However, it seems to him that she’s a little more attentive towards him. But perhaps, that’s just wistful thinking.

Other times, Haise’s bolder, and he openly talks to her. He makes a pun or two, and manages to make her laugh. She has such a cute laugh. She even snorts a little, and tries to hide it by covering her mouth. Haise thinks it’s a shame that she would cover her beautiful lips.

At some point, he realizes he’s infatuated with the pretty waitress. He only knows he’s feeling like this, because he recognizes the feelings from the books he’s read. Haise has no experience with love. He briefly wonders if in his previous he ever fell in love with someone, and if that person was somewhere, waiting for him. Sometimes he thinks that that person might be the waitress, since she does seem familiar.

Haise’s most pressing issue, however, is whether or not she likes him back. He has noticed that she’s a little kinder to him than to other customers, but he might very well had imagined such attentions. Besides, there might be someone else in her life. Why wouldn’t the pretty waitress –the brave, smart, kind, beautiful waitress− have a boyfriend? He sighs dejectedly.

Still, that doesn’t stop him from wondering what she is doing during Christmas. If she’s spending the night on a date…

He hopes he has a chance.

Touka isn’t the first person to see Kaneki after he gains his memories, but she’s the first one to shake his core.

When Kaneki recovers his memories, he decides to continue where he left off. He distances himself from others for this purpose. He stops going to :re. He’s colder to his former squad. He becomes sadistic again. Kaneki also stops sleeping altogether. What matters to him now is to, firstly, rescue Hinami from Cochlea, and then bring down Aogiri and their leader Eto, as he had attempted to do so many years ago.

Hinami slaps him upon being rescued, but Kaneki knows she will forgive him in time. Next, he finds Ayato, Yomo-san, and Touka. He somehow feels shaken when he finally sees her after many years as himself, and not as a CCG investigator by the name of Sasaki Haise. It is too much to bear, and much more when he’s fighting Arima of all people. So, he ignores her in favor of Ayato, whom he trusts loves his sister enough to take everyone to safety.

“Take care of them!” He shouts, and hopes they will leave. But, of course, she would stay.

“Kaneki!” Touka calls him, and he twitches, but doesn’t dare turn.

“Kaneki.” She repeats. “I’ll see you later, okay?”

Her question surprises him, and all that Kaneki can think of is She knows! Because she must know what he plans to do. After all is over, he will die. That’s the only way to end things. There’s nothing in this world for him. The best thing he can do is die saving everyone else. Touka must understand it. But Touka –brave, smart, kind, beautiful Touka-chan− doesn’t let him do it.

“That’s not fair…” He watches her go. “You’re a cruel one, Touka-chan.”

In the end, he doesn’t die. He can’t. Not when it is Arima who reminds him that, if he dies now, his friends won’t survive. Not when he sees Hide, his best friend, in his mind. Hide, who reminds him that he has to find a reason to live. The world is awfully lonely without him, and especially since Kaneki himself is responsible for his death. But, in the end, he has to live.

Then Arima himself, his father figure, dies instead. When he reveals secrets that will help him in the future. When it’s now up to Kaneki to fix this broken world.

He goes back. He dares to live, for just a bit longer, until he finds his true purpose.

He sees Touka in need of help, and saves her. If he could, he could have smiled. They do see each other later. And then, she brings everyone to her coffee shop, and his old family is reunited with his new allies.

Things change. He’s soon proclaimed the One-Eyed King, and Kaneki decides to embark on a quest to fix what’s wrong, to protect those he cares about.

Touka never leaves his side. He will have to get used to that.

Kaneki feels awkward with his new position as One-Eyed King, and he wishes there was a way to make him feel back to normal. It is Touka the first one to give him that sense of normalcy.

Kaneki visits :re again and is amazed in a new way by how the coffee shop looks. It somehow makes him feel like he’s back at Anteiku, and any time now old Yoshimura-san will appear behind the counter and offer him coffee with his easy smile. It, however, has a charm of its own. It has many decorations, which catch his eye. It’s also filled with books too.

“Want some coffee?” In the end, it is Touka who offers him a beverage, acting as the new manager.

He accepts her offer, and watches attentively as she carefully prepares his drink.

“Ah… it tastes like the manager’s.” Kaneki compliments her, and feels satisfied when Touka smiles proudly. “This is a wonderful shop.” He continues making small conversation, mainly to have an excuse to talk to her.

“You’ve been here before, you know.” The girl points out, and Kaneki feels embarrassed.

“Oh right… haha.” He laughs awkwardly and scratches his cheek. Why is he beng so impossibly awkward?

“Hey.” Touka calls him, and he has to blink.

“Hm?”

“Why did you have that sesame pudding haircut all that time?” She asks rather bluntly, in typical Touka fashion.

“Well, actually, Dr. Shiba said something about how me suppressing my RC cell activity temporarily increased my melanin production or something.” Kaneki explains her, feeling stupid for some reason.

“Hmmm.” Touka just nods, and then gets distracted by the TV.

The news of the Cochlea Raid are all over the stations of Tokyo and possibly Japan. It’s weird to see his face on TV associated with another name, another life, which Kaneki had to leave behind.

“You’re basically a celebrity now.” Touka comments.

“Looks like I won’t be able to get a part-time job, huh?” He tries to joke.

The girl in front of him looks unimpressed. “Stuuuupid.” She drawls out, and suddenly he’s back at Anteiku, and Touka is calling him an idiot for spilling coffee all over the kitchen.

“Hey.” Her voice wakes him from his reverie. “What do you want me to call you? Is ‘Kaneki’ okay?”

“Yeah. Just ‘Kaneki.’” He smiles at her, to reassure the girl he’s still the same. “You can always call me Kaneki, Touka-chan.”

“I see…” She mutters, and then starts walking out of the counter, and right where he is. “Well, Kaneki…”

And then Touka –brave, smart, kind, beautiful Touka-chan− freaking decks him on the face, so hard he ends up on the floor.

“I feel much better now!” She laughs and goes her way.

Suddenly Kaneki is eighteen again, and Touka has just punched him because he did something stupid at work. And just like that, the spell is broken and part of the uneasiness is gone.

Soon he sees Yomo, Irimi, Koma and Nishio again, and it’s like being back at Anteiku. His family is reunited once again. Not everything is lost.

Kaneki would do anything to protect them. Specially Touka. Even if that means pushing her away.

Kaneki has come to accept the fact that most things in this world are unpredictable, but no one is as unpredictable as Touka is.

After deciding the teams that were going to infiltrate the lab, Touka calls him. For a moment there, Kaneki thought she was going to complain, but her words surprise him.

“Can we talk after you get back?” She simply asks.

“Sure.” He answers quickly, deep down wondering if she was going to hit him again.

As it so happens, their talk gets delayed because of other pressing issues, like Akira’s recovery process and the CCG’s next move. Kaneki’s been too busy to remember about the talk. However, they eventually end up alone at the :re.

“What’d you do? Your hair…” Kaneki exclaims the moment he sees that Touka’s light hair went back to black.

“I dyed it.” She answers simply. “Does it look weird?” Touka then asks.

“Nope.” Kaneki shakes his head, blushing a bit. “It’s kinda nostalgic.” He remembers a younger Touka, and the way her hair looked back then. Her soft and dark strands covering one of her eyes.

“Organization info?” She quickly changes topics.

“Yeah. I’m looking into a big incident involving ghouls.” Kaneki exclaims, and Touka nods. “It’s pretty interesting. Apparently, in the past, the CCG was driven almost to extinction at the hands of a ‘one-eyed ghoul.´” As he explains, Touka moves closer to sit next to him.

“What’s interesting about that?” Touka asks and Kaneki feels embarrassed for getting too excited. She has a way to make him feel like that.

“By the way, Touka-chan, what was it that you wanted to talk about?” He asks to change subjects. He can’t afford to get embarrassed again in one conversation.

“Oh yeah.”

And then Touka –brave, smart, kind, beautiful Touka-chan−asks him something that embarrasses him more than anything else he had been asked before.

“Are you a virgin?”

Screaming internally, Kaneki spills the coffee he was drinking on the floor.

Touka doesn’t seem to care, though. “Make sure to wipe the coffee off.” She tells him, and Kaneki pretends to drink the coffee which is not filling his cup anymore, while wondering what the hell’s going on.

“Right…”

Touka sighs. “So, is that what’s going on?” She asks.

“What’s up all of a sudden?” He asks back, feeling lost and awkward.

“I mean that’s what I thought was happening.”

Kaneki wants to bolt out of the room. His inner monologue keeps asking why their conversation took such a turn, as he keeps drinking from his non-existing coffee. Help me, Banjou-san.

He is about to understand how unpredictable Touka can really be.

Touka is not the first person to worry about him, but she’s the first one to tell him.

“Kaneki, you look like a dead man.” She says, capturing his attention. “There’s only one of us who thinks it’d be better if you were gone… and that’s you.” She finishes, making something in Kaneki move.

Then she smiles faintly. “When the time comes, I’ll let you do it.”

Kaneki blushes. “Well…” He wonders what’s wrong with her, why is she saying such things to him, as he drinks from his empty cup once again. He stops his train of thought before it leads him somewhere indecent.

“I want to ask you one more thing.” Touka says again.

Kaneki fears the worst. “What is it?” But Touka’s next question surprises him.

“Why do you always bring Nishiki and Tsukiyama with you but leave me behind?”

In all honesty, he should’ve seen this coming, but with Touka’s bluntness and unpredictability it’s hard to think ahead. He sighs and wonders how he should explain himself. He decides that being honest with her is the best policy.

“Do you remember what happened with Ryouko-san? It was when you went by yourself to take revenge upon the investigators… Behind Anteiku, I found you injured. And the words I said to you then…”

“Something like I’d be sad if you died?”

“Yeah.”

Kaneki tells her the truth. How back then he wanted to get stronger to be able to protect everyone, but how time and time again it was Touka who was moving forward, leaving him behind. How she got injured trying to save him, and how he was so scared of losing her, of her dying and Kaneki having no idea about it. Honestly, he’s still scared, because he knows if he lets her, Touka will take things into action and could get hurt, or die. He can’t let that happen.

“This time,” Touka says, after his explanation, “that’s exactly how I feel.” This admission surprises him. “It seems more like you’ll disappear instead of me. I was always thinking of ways to make sure you don’t go anywhere.”

“What you said a bit earlier… you mean, you asked for that reason?” He asks, for some reason feeling used.

“’That reason’?” She chuckles. It’s clear she’s messing with him, but before Kaneki can complain about it, she starts speaking again. “When you were a dove, you would sometimes come to this café by yourself.” Touka reminisces. “Except, you’d always be looking towards me. I remembered seeing those eyes from somewhere. From when you were looking at Rize.”

Kaneki goes back in time, and remembers every instance in which, as Haise, he thought about Touka. About how he thought she was beautiful, and wanted to get to know her. How he couldn’t take his eyes off of her, and how he fell in love with her quickly. He sweats with uneasiness, wondering if Touka was mad at him.

“Was I wrong?” She asks softly.

“I’m such an idiot.” Kaneki whines, and covers his face with his hand.

“Does that mean I’m more of an idiot for being so happy about it?” She questions him again, and Kaneki can only gawk at her, because Touka –brave, smart, kind, beautiful Touka-chan−, the girl he has admired for years, is in love with her. It seems impossible, but she just admitted it herself.

He would have said something, if Tsukiyama hadn’t interrupted them.

Oh well, he’ll continue with this conversation later. There’s no way Kaneki’s just gonna let her go without some sort of answer.

10.

Touka isn’t the first girl that Kaneki likes, or that he’s attracted to, but she’s the first and only girl he loves. There’s no point in denying his feelings anymore. He loves her. As simple as that. He just doesn’t know how to show it, for never in a million years he would have thought that she’d reciprocate his feelings for her. But he has to start somewhere. So that’s why it’s natural for him to ask her to come with him after they all realize they need to go their separate ways. Kaneki decides then he won’t push her away anymore. He will keep Touka by his side. And she apparently won’t stand to be away from him either, for she agrees to come with him.

Too bad Mutsuki, his sweet former squad member, appears. In the blink of an eye, Mutsuki is attacking him, and then Aura comes into the scene as well. Sooner than later, Touka enters the fray as well. Kaneki gets scared, because this is exactly what he didn’t want to happen. Touka could get hurt. He isn’t sure what Mutsuki’s capable of doing. But Touka shows him once more that she isn’t weak, and that she can keep her cool even when being taunted about her best friend. This gives him enough resolve to start fighting against Aura, eventually defeating him. Things get complicated, however, when the Oggai arrive. Kaneki runs frantically, until he meets Touka, alive and unhurt.

“Let’s go!”

They manage to escape, and find a hideout, safe enough to spend the night at least.

“I hope we can all manage to actually meet up.” Kaneki says with a sigh. He then turns to look at his companion, who is sitting on the floor, covering her head with her knees. Kaneki has another flashback (he seems to be having many lately), and he remembers seeing Touka exactly like this, long ago, after finding her behind Anteiku, hurt after her fight against Mado Kureo. He figures perhaps she got hurt after all. “Touka-chan? Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” She whispers.

She gulps, and starts speaking, not really looking at him. “You had a friend right? Hide or something? What did you do when you felt like seeing him?” She asks, and Kaneki knows what this is about, because he has felt the exact same turmoil as she is right now.

He sits down next to her. “I’m sorry.” He apologizes, because it was through him and his connections at the CCG that Yoriko might have gotten hurt. “I was never able to actually do something concrete.” He starts explaining, capturing Touka’s attention. He guesses the best thing he can do is try to comfort her. “Because whenever I felt that way, I’d just be consumed by the desire to see him again.” The grief of losing Hide comes back. Kaneki feels the tears about to spill, but he pushes them away. “I’m sorry. I’m not much help. I think we should rest. We’re pretty beaten up, and−“

He can’t finish his sentence, for Touka pushes him to the floor. He gasps and moves his arm, startled at her sudden action. She’s on top of him, and she pushes her hair away.

“Tou−“

And then Touka –brave, smart, kind, beautiful Touka-chan−is kissing him. Kaneki wonders if he’s dreaming, praying this is all happening. He closes his eyes and kisses her back, rather clumsily probably. She stops her ministration, and separates their lips. They’re both huffing.

“Kane−“

She tries to say, but he interrupts her this time, by kissing her passionately, deepening the kiss, and lying her down on the floor. Kaneki honestly didn’t know he wanted her with such passion before this, but he’s not complaining. He loves her, god he really does, and he wants to show her the things that he can’t say.

They separate, both blushing and a bit unsure. Kaneki then looks down.

“Can I touch you?” He asks, and almost bites his lip. What the hell is he saying? She just nods. “Touka-chan… then…”

He gently strokes her breast, and Kaneki’s amazed by the feeling. He keeps groping her, while blushing all the while, until her voice stops him.

“Hey.”

“Yeah?”

“Your face is grossing me out.” Touka exclaims, while blushing.

Great. He had messed up before starting. “Ah… Sorry…”

He thinks this is as far as they’re gonna get tonight, and he’s about to propose something else, when Touka’s voice surprises him.

“Aren’t you going to take it off?” She asks, pointing at his shirt. “Or is it too embarrassing to take it off?”

He almost sighs in relief. “N-no…” He stammers, and removes his shirt, showing her his upper body. Kaneki feels ashamed. He’s covered by scars, and his arms haven’t healed yet. “Sorry, these days they don’t heal that well…” He explains lamely, hoping she isn’t too repulsed by them. Touka, then, starts taking her own shirt off, and then it becomes stuck on her head.

“Do you need help?” Kaneki asks, feeling awkward.

She huffs. “No. Just wait a sec…”

And then the shirt is gone, and there’s just Touka sitting in front of him, looking seductive wearing only her bra, showing him a view of her breasts, and a cute mole on her right one. He’s mesmerized again. He wastes no time in grabbing her breasts again, feeling them now without clothing. Touka pulls away, and kisses his chest tenderly.

“Ah!” He gasps, clearly shocked.

“Are you ticklish?” Touka asks.

“No… I’m not sure…” And he covers his mouth, to stop moaning.

Kaneki collapses on the floor, with Touka on top, continuing kissing his chest tenderly. Not for the first time, he wonders if this is real or if he’s just dreaming. She stops and caresses his chest.

“You were so weak before.” She mutters.

Kaneki sits up, and starts immediately kissing her again, trying to memorize the feeling of her mouth, his tongue exploring every inch. He pushes them down, and they are lying side by side, making out. Touka tries to take off his pants with her foot, while he struggles to unclasp her bra, to no success. Apparently Touka gets fed up, for she separates from him and unclasps it herself. She looks like a goddess, sitting there in front of him, her breasts uncovered, and her legs barely covered by her stockings and underwear. She looks fragile and exposed, and so damn beautiful he just has to tell her.

“You’re really beautiful.” Kaneki whispers, and then he pins her down.

Kaneki hovers over her, kissing her, their legs tangled together. His left hand pins her own hand, and he entwines their fingers, while his right hand is busy caressing her cheek gently. She grabs his hand and strokes it.

“Hey.” He smiles.

And then, they’re back to kissing, Touka grabbing his neck to pull him closer.

“You don’t have to be so gentle with me.” She whispers.

Kaneki takes that as his cue to continue and not stop. He takes his own underwear off, and slides Touka’s panties from her ankles until their off too. He positions himself, while thinking This is it. His first time is going to happen, and all with Touka. He’s in heaven.

“All good?” He asks her, wondering if she wants to stop. Touka nods in response.

Kaneki thrusts into her perhaps a bit too forceful, for Touka whines under him and grunts in pain. He himself grunts, but in pleasure. It feels way too good to be inside her, to feel him filling her with every inch of him.

“Are you okay?” He pants out, but Touka just whines.

He lingers for a moment, giving her time to adjust to his length. They’re both sweating and huffing.

“Should I move?” He asks, using his last bit of self-control. Truth be told, he’s dying to pound into her, but doesn’t want to hurt her.

“I’m fine.” Touka wheezes out.

Kaneki starts moving in and out of her, making her moan out loud. It’s amazing, to feel so much pleasure, and to give so much pleasure at the same time. “Touka.” He moans her name out loud, to let her know it’s only in her he’s thinking about right in this moment. She grabs him by his back, and pulls him closer to her, the new angle making it easy for Kaneki to hit a particular spot inside of her, which has her moaning.

“Kaneki.” She rasps, and his name sounds positively sinful and angelic in her lips at the same time.

He doesn’t know what, but in a moment everything that’s happening and what this means comes crashing down in his mind. He’s here, alive, and making love to the only woman he’s ever loved, to Touka-chan, and she loves him back, and wants him as badly as he wants her. He’s taking her virginity, he’s inside her, and she’s making noises of appreciation and pleasure. Touka’s not repulsed by him or angry. She’s happy. Because he’s here. Because she loves him. Oh God! She loves him. It’s not a dream. It’s too much for him and he starts crying like the first time he tasted her coffee as Haise.

“Why are you crying?” She whispers, and gives him a warm smile, as if she knew the cause of his tears. Knowing her, she probably does.

“Huh? I wonder why…” He answers, and keeps on going.

When they’re both close, Kaneki sits up, and pulls Touka into his lap, kissing her and holding her fiercely. She puts her arms around his neck, and deepens the kiss. His mouth muffles Touka’s scream as she comes hard, and then he’s grunting, because he’s spilling himself inside of her.

Kaneki collapses, and brings Touka down with him. The tears won’t stop falling, but he doesn’t really care right now. She doesn’t seem to mind either. She grabs her discarded shirt, and puts it around her shoulders. Just now, Kaneki notices it is getting kind of chilly. Next, she puts his head on her lap, and starts tenderly stroking his hair.

“Touka−“

“Shh. It’s okay. Close your eyes. I’m here.”

So he closes his eyes, and for the first time in years, even before becoming a ghoul, Kaneki Ken feels at peace with the world around him.

11.

Kaneki wakes up to find Touka sleeping soundly next to him. He smiles and brings her closer to him, burying his head on her chest. It’s the first time he’s woken up feeling as if all’s right in the world. As he watches her sleep, he wonders about what will happen next. Nothing’s certain. The only things he knows for sure is that he will fight to live, and that Touka –brave, smart, kind, beautiful Touka-chan−is going to be by his side no matter what.

#touken #touken fanfiction #kanetou #my fanfiction #firsts

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