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doctormage · 5 years

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hi i just need to be really dramatic and long winded bc if i dont get it Out im going to fucking explode

ive actually been trying really hard this semester with my thesis and its REALLY fucking difficult for me. my depression makes me catatonic and unable to complete simple tasks or be motivated to do literally anything; my anxiety paralyzes me at the slightest unexpected change and then obsess over whether everyone in my life hates me because of my anxiety; my sleep schedule is constantly fucked and my doctor is unhelpful; my bdd will sidetrack me from my work and responsibilities for literal hours or days, and sometimes if its feeling spicy send me on a full scale fucking breakdown; and my adhd makes all this shit worse on TOP of all the NORMAL adhd shit. like thats just!!! my life!!!! at all times!!!!! and there have been several times where i have genuinely considered leaving this program or not continuing school after bc i was so fucking overwhelmed and exhausted and scared but i didnt!!! like i make a lot of jokes about procrastinating and wasting my time and doing the least and whatever but in reality its really fucking difficult for me even when im medicated!!! but i dont like admitting that bc of all my exhausting childhood baggage and shit but that is not the point of this rant so anyway

this semester i made a specific effort to try and be a better student even tho all of this stuff has been exacerbated by grad school. i felt i owed it to my director and one of my committee members because theyve been so fucking helpful and put their faith in me and took a lot of their time to help me. i wanted to show them i was worthy of it and capable of being a good student who does all the shit she’s supposed to do, does it well, and does it on time. i overloaded my fall semester and nearly lost my goddamn mind JUST to have a lighter class load this semester so i could focus most of my time on my thesis (like for real that was actually incredibly stupid of me. i lost almost 30 pounds from september to december without conscious effort just because i was so fucking stressed. not a brag and actually kind of concerning bc that has LITERALLY never happened to me). it has been like....significantly taxing, but i wanted to show them how much i appreciate their time and effort and help by being responsible and respectful. my Trying Hard is a lot of people’s Barely Doing Their Best and i know that. turning something in 2 hours early is below average for some but for me, literally anything more than 30 minutes before its due is an actual goddamn miracle. but i wanted to work hard and do things right for my committee members because they deserve it

this christmas my parents asked what i wanted and the ONLY thing i asked for was help with my library dues. last year from like march to october i was significantly depressed and entirely out of my head, and i racked up some pretty bad overdue fees. i didnt even ask them to pay all of it, just some of it. less than $100. im really truly grateful for the gifts they DID get me, but i didnt ask for them for any of it, and my overdue fees were left alone. i was under the impression that they got paid and, like a fucking idiot, i didnt check up on it to confirm. ive been so hell deep in my thesis and teaching and grading and applying to phd programs and looking for apartments and shit that it really just slipped my fucking mind!!! crazy!!!!

today i was in crisis bc i thought i fucked up with scheduling my defense/exam/whatever the fuck. im going to call it defense and i dont give a shit bc everyone calls it some other shit and i dont CARE. anyway i really thought i fucked up but i went and talked it out with my director and it was all sorted out. i’ve gotten like 50% of her feedback on my thesis draft, which i’ve incorporated, and im waiting on comments from another reader (the other helpful person on my committee). we have to run some dumbass software before scheduling, so i ran it today and tried to schedule it but couldnt bc theres a hold on my account. i went on a fucking....ALMIGHTY QUEST to figure it out and i finally discovered that guess what!!!!!!! its my GODDAMN LIBRARY OVERDUE FEES!!!!!! THAT I THOUGHT WERE PAID!!!!!!! i had to pay them myself which is fine idc but it takes several days to process. this fucks up my life on SEVERAL levels

for one, its fucking impossible to get a hold of my third committee member. she is a vapor in the wind. shes like super busy and thats all good and well but the point is theres like zero communication there. i finally got confirmation on a defense date from all 3 members and had been literally planning MY ENTIRE LIFE around this date. after todays first scheduling crisis i was so happy i was still on track, but now this? now i have to wait 3-4 days before i can even SCHEDULE the defense. the super delightful part is that we have to schedule a minimum of 2 weeks in advance. so now i cant schedule my defense until tuesday at the absolute earliest, but that ALSO bumps my defense date several days ahead. i have no fucking clue if my committee is going to agree on another day that works for everyone bc theyre all busy as shit and we’d been working toward the original date for weeks if not months, and im so fucking upset because this is exactly what i DIDNT want to have happen. i havent tried to email them yet because im hoping beyond fucking hope i can call somebody at the university tomorrow and see if the hold is something else besides the fee, but it makes me sick to think of having to be like “oh sorry i know i constantly fuck up everything ever and im a piece of shit but can we change this date we’ve had set since january because i was an extra shitty piece of shit this time??” like OHHH MY GODDDDD

and the thing thats really fucking with me is that like, yes its my fault but this one time its not ENTIRELY 100% my fault. i asked for a favor and had the understanding that it was taken care of. yes the fees were my doing and yes i shouldve checked but oh my fucking god. i feel like all the effort ive put into being a better student this semester has been for fucking nothing because im going to have to email my committee asking for a different date and ruin all their fucking lives and theyll be so disappointed in me. i have like legitimately been crying on and off about it since like 4:30 today

it so shitty in and of itself but i especially dont want to do this to my director bc she is legitimately the reason im finishing this program AND that im going to a phd program. a year ago i’d barely spoken 20 words to her but she still agreed to be a reader on my committee just because she heard me explain my thesis for all of 30 seconds and decided to give it a try. she literally had not read a song of ice and fire at the time and she started reading them for me to help me with my thesis. in the fall when my original director basically threatened to leave my committee if i didnt change all my ideas, my current director stepped in and helped me and talked me through it and then offered to take her place even though my research is BARELY distantly related to hers. through all of this she’s been so insanely patient with me, super encouraging of my ideas both in this project and in others, helped me decide whether it was right for me to get my phd immediately after my masters, proofed and edited and helped me with ALL my phd application materials, and STILL is in the process of reading these goddamn books just to be a better director. i have lost my head so many times and shes always been there to help me figure my shit out, and i wanted to have it figured out for once. how stupid of me

like bumping the date isnt the end of the whole world but its really not just about the fact that i have to reschedule. i was trying real goddamn hard to be a better student this semester and i REALLY fucking owed it to my director and other reader, but especially director, and i still managed to fuck up this bad. i feel like such a DISAPPOINTMENT and it just will not leave my brain bc im so mad at myself. i tried watching shows and youtube compilations about game of thrones and shit but now my bf is asleep and im alone and its all i can think about. im so fucking tired of being the person i am honestly and i dont mean that in an edgy way its just like jesus christ i wish there was less shit wrong with me. i wish i had any kind of willpower or discipline so i couldve learned these skills and been a better student from the start. i wish i wasnt a giant piece of shit!!!!!

and now im going to be up late being anxious about all this which means that i will, once again, wake up late but also still be really exhausted, which means i’ll do a shitty job teaching and get overwhelmed by everything and who the fuck knows what fun bullshittery will ensue because of it. i am so fucking tired of me and my fuckery and the fact that it fucks with other people even why i try so hard for it not to. tired!!!!!!!! fucking tired

#p #this is literally like an essay #on why im a piece of shit lmao #ignore me!!!!!!

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drashleighreid · 5 years

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Hey girl. Sad question, how are managing to survive with your hectic schedule? My mental health is so bad right now, I really don’t even have that many responsibilities or things taking up my time but even with my bare minimum I can’t even handle what I have to do in my life. Everything is so overwhelming 😭 I would really appreciate any advice you have on being able to function like a normal human. Thanks 💞

oh honey same. i understand this feeling a lot, it’s something i’ve always really struggled with. seeing my friends and peers handling a full study load, work, cultivating their skills in their spare time, and still somehow maintaining a social life when im barely coping with the bare minimum... not working, not even taking as many classes, having no social life etc. etc. its a really rough feeling, and especially with the unhelpful pressure you put on yourself because of it.

its always been an issue for me and still is to a degree tbh. a couple of months ago i was diagnosed with adhd and i’ve been taking meds for it. theyve done wonders for my mood and motivation and thats made it so much easier for me to get things done and stay on task tbh. it really kicked me out of that space, i have a lot more energy and every day activities and things dont feel as much like the huge daunting task that they did before lol. thats helped SO much i dont know if i would have been able to work through this semester without that diagnosis. its taken the edge off a lot of the things that felt ‘impossible’ before bc i was super defeated about similar situations. im not saying you have adhd or anything lol that was just my experience and maybe its worthwhile seeking out therapy if you havent already and exploring these avenues/talking to someone about the things you struggle with/doing some research.

honestly a lot of it too i think is the ‘object in motion’ kind of thing. its really hard to get started with things, or build a new routine, when you’re stagnant. its the same as anything... its hard and it takes more effort to begin anything when you’re stuck in that rut, but once you start it really and truly gets a lot easier to maintain a routine and everything wont feel so difficult anymore. a big thing that has really helped me lately is keeping a decent sleep schedule. i know its really hard because people would suggest that to me when i was really stuck for motivation and it seemed impossible to regulate it for me but it really does help a lot, i have two early morning classes so making sure im always up and going to those keeps me accountable so the rest of the week im usually getting up semi early anyway, whereas before id sleep really late and then feel crappy and unproductive lol. writing lots of lists and keeping track of things/what i have to do has helped a lot too ! i’ve become such a crazy list-person lmao i make them for everything and check things off and break things down into little bite sized increments so activities dont seem so overwhelming, and its done wonders for my productivity and for generally just feeling accomplished ? and positive? and then in turn more likely to stay happy and motivated to keep working.

just getting more structure and routine into your life can do absolute wonders tbh. im not sure if any of this has helped at all. ive been exactly in your position and its something that really affected my life and the way i felt about myself so i understand. and i understand how hard it is and how impossible everything can seem. its not easy to break out of, but putting in that extra little bit of effort at the beginning to get yourself moving, even though it seems impossible, can make all the difference down the track.

i really hope any of this helps even a little bit! honestly if you ever need to chat im always here and i can try help any way that i can, i know what a rough place it can be. but really youre not alone in feeling that way so dont be too hard on yourself, it really just makes it even more difficult to pull yourself out of it, so try to have patience with yourself and just do the best you can every day ! im sure you’re doing absolutely amazing anyway! def feel free to come chat to me any time about anything though.

#Anonymous

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