#yeah yeah journaling blah blah whatever I put my emotions on tumblr and die like a man

[halogalopaghost]

The other thing I didn't expect and didn't realize for a while is that even things I like doing take spoons. It's not like I have ten spoons to do the dishes, go to work, and take a shower, I have ten spoons to do that OR check my tumblr, talk to my gramma on the phone, and write a few hundred words. And since I also have pretty severe executive dysfunction issues, I very quickly end up using my spoons only for the things that give me dopamine and showering once a week. Which is less than ideal trust me I fuckin know, but I'm stuck.

There are things I HAVE to give spoons to: working, driving to and from work which yes does take energy!! Grocery shopping to take lunch because eating out isn't really an option, just eating by itself takes SO MUCH energy, getting dressed, doing laundry. When it gets down to the things that I don't have to do in order to live, like folding the laundry, putting my clothes away at the end of the day, mating my socks, washing my lunch dishes, vacuuming my rug, sweeping the doggy dust bunnies off the stairs, wiping down the bathroom counter, I can't make myself do it. I don't HAVE to, even if it might make some other tasks a little easier (like getting dressed in the morning ffs), so I just don't, because otherwise I'll miss my friends and never get to play my viddy game or write down those ideas I had. I'm so TIRED. Physically and mentally and emotionally I'm just exhausted. Not in a "omg I need help right now!!" Kind of way, but like. I'm treading water just fine, not gonna drown, but fuck am I ready to get out of the pool and take a nap.

Y'know what else? Unrelated to anything above but I'm so fucking cold all the time man, I'm sick of that too. That's taking precious energy away from me because I'll literally start shivering at work and I actually cannot wear enough clothing to prevent it. I've been wearing sweatpants underneath my slacks the last few days and i still get cold. How am I supposed to fix that? I can't wear a fuckin parka to sell jewelry.

And btw, yes I did write this post from underneath a mountain of blankets on my bed with two baskets of unfolded laundry nearby, my grandmother uncalled, my jewelry bench untouched, etc etc etc etc. yeah I did this instead of any of the hundreds of other things I should do because I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open and I'm tired of being tired

#delete later #I just needed to think out loud a little #yeah yeah journaling blah blah whatever I put my emotions on tumblr and die like a man #when i write in a journaling format it feels more performative than just talking it out in a tumblr text box #I don't know why #people are way less likely to find and read this in twenty years than a physical book in my house #I'm gonna take a nap now guys #and by the way. I showered yesterday and it had only been SIX days. so impressive.