#you can probably tell I'm not a fan of soulmate or destined bonds stuff

[topaz-mutiny]

Okay so for me this is less an actual fanfic thing and more an opinion of mine being put through the lens of these characters, because my brain won’t stay quiet, and things that have happened in the campaign so far have changed my thoughts on how I feel about interactions between the characters. I used to be incredibly neutral on this, until we learned of the existence of a primordial fire shard.

So the TL;DR of my argument is: Ashrym now, Callowmoore later, after the characters, the cast, and some fans stop being weird and overly-pushy with the “it’s destiny” thing.

Maybe you agree, maybe you don't. Maybe you change your mind, if not nbd.

Contains spoilers up to and including episode 85 of Bells Hells. Nothing happens beyond a lot of swearing.

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There wasn’t really any discussion between Bells Hells about where to camp and rest after this terrifying, extensive, exhausting day – only a collective effort to finagle everyone through the waterspout and into the portal that Fearne had discovered. From there it was easy to emerge from the mountain lake and find what looked like a decent spot to set up camp.

Fearne offered to stay up on watch first; she needed some time to think about what happened today. She didn’t like feeling scared. And today definitely had a lot of things that scared her.

First watch went by relatively fine, which was a relief since Fearne was so pre-occupied, and then it was time to wake up those who would be on second-watch. She watched Ashton be roused, and he wandered to a decent spot to take up watch. Looking around, he seemed far away from the other person up on watch, and everyone else was settled into sleep. They were, perhaps, far enough away that the two of them could have a brief conversation before she cuddled up with Orym.

Her quiet approach was ruined by a yawn that escaped her mouth. She really was exhausted like everyone else, but this felt important. “Hey.” She said through the end of her yawn.

“Hey.” They grunted back. “Aren’t you heading to bed?”

“Maybe in a little bit.” Fearne resisted another yawn. And then, “Today was a little fucked up.” Ashton gave out a deep, gravelly chuckle.

“Yeeeaah. Yeah it was.” He said. “Fuck.” Fearne noticed a quick side-eye Ashton gave her, and they looked… worried. “Didn’t think you wanted to talk so soon after… fuck, you know.” They shrugged ineffectually.

Shit, right. She steepled her fingers, tapping them together as she thought about it.

“Okay, well, I maybe am still a little bit mad about it.” Fearne refrained from saying who she was mad at, maybe even mad at multiple people. She had looked away, but still caught the flinch in Ashton’s reaction. “But that’s not what I wanna talk about. I wanna talk about…” about what? The Ludinus funnel? FCG almost dying right in front of her (though she Had A Plan, she thought, don’t worry about it)? Otohan’s reaction to her being Ruidusborn? What that meant when butted up against the reality that she was a designer-baby? “… stuff.”

“… Okaaay?” Ashton looked hapless.

“IthinkIwannatalkaboutdestiny” Fearne blurted out. Ashton blinked at her. “I mean, I wanna talk about me. Stuff I’m being told about me. Stuff that’s–“ making me scared, she omits “– that I don’t think I like very much.”

“Ah.” There was a shift in Ashton’s posture, and they looked a lot more comfortable. Empathetic. That’s why Fearne singled out Ashton after all, they too kind of were dealing, dealt with, this stuff too. Even though she was still mad about it.

“When we were trying to get away from Otohan, she said something that kind of fucked me up a little.” Fearne started explaining, “She said I was, like, central to some of their plans? And it made me think about how I was made, instead of born, and… and I don’t like it.” She doubly didn’t like it, because wasn’t Imogen supposed to be the one central to their plans? The super special savior of Predathos? “What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?”

There was a small pause.

“I’m not sure if I’m allowed an opinion on this shit anymore.” Ashton finally responded, “The last time I got fucked up by this destiny bullshit I…” he suddenly got very quiet “… exploded. Fuckin’ literally.”

Yes, we know, Ashton. We were there. Fearne thought about his agonized confession that they’d rather die than hurt Fearne like that. During Fearne’s watch, Fearne had started to worry that she might be next, and she absolutely did not want to hurt her friends (especially Orym) like that. Her brows furrowed.

“I think something or someone is pushing me to explode.”

“You… want me to keep an eye out?”

“Maybe. I dunno.”

“Fearne, fuck, whatever you want me to fuckin’ do, just tell me.” Ashton’s stare was intense, serious. As Fearne peered a little closer she noticed his body language screamed regret, anxiety, pleading. Like they’d do anything for anyone of the Hells, please don’t leave them.

Fearne huffed. “I don’t know! Maybe I just wanted to tell someone, and I told you, because you got a little messed up and now I’m getting messed up too.” Ashton nodded, as though that made sense, though Fearne could still sense the tension.

There was a significantly longer pause. Fearne made no move to go to bed. Yet. And eventually was the first to speak up again.

“And I also wanted to talk now because if it were any other time I think the others would push us to kiss or something right about now.” Fearne looked at Ashton. Ashton cleared their throat, embarrassment flushing his cheeks.

“Ah, yeah. They can mind their own fuckin’ business.”

“It is a little weird.”

Ashton was turning redder. Purple-r? Dark green-er? Fearne forgot what color his blush was and couldn’t see well enough in the dark.

“Plus there’s that shard bullshit.” Ashton said.

“Huh?”

“Everyone started getting really weird about us after these fucking shards became a thing. More destiny bullshit.”

“Oh.” That’s right. The shards were from Primordial lovers, or something. Bells Hells didn’t just make that up, did they?

He doesn’t say it out loud, but Fearne could easily imagine Ashton saying “Fuck destiny.” They definitely seemed like they were resisting saying something. Being nice? Or thinking that they don’t deserve to have an opinion? Would they have been okay with it if their friends were just regularly cajoling and these lover shards didn’t exist?

Well, that kind of sucks.

Despite her lingering anger over The Shard Incident, what she told Chetney afterwards was still true. She liked him a little bit, whatever that meant. And she still maybe wanted to do things that made them happy. Maybe. A little. And it didn’t seem like a full-on Laudna and Imogen style relationship was going to do that; would probably make them feel even more uncomfortable and think it’s all just because of the shards and not that they kind of maybe like each other for realsies.

It was kind of hard to realize that was what she was feeling, but now that she articulated it to Chetney, it was a lot easier to notice. And that Ashton might kind of sort of feel the same? But they’re refusing to act on it now because of the shards.

“Yeah, fuck destiny.” Fearne says. Ashton starts to look relieved. Maybe they can talk about it later, after they talk about The Shard Incident and she stops feeling mad at them and herself, after the topic of the shards becomes a vague background memory to everyone else. An intrusive thought streaks through her mind – the thought that she’d be fine if they just became friends with benefits – and maybe she’d think about that later when she’s not mad. Maybe.

She was feeling a little better, to her relief. Now that someone else besides FCG knows what Otohan said to her, it felt a bit less like she was going to get strangled by her own worries. But she didn’t want to go to bed yet.

What she did want to do right now was make Ashton happy. And her own feelings weren’t the only things Fearne had started to notice. And realized she probably would have noticed retroactively. The shards, currently, were a problem, for one way to make Ashton happy right now. But there was another way that kind of sounded fun to get the ball rolling, at least until they could talk more. Ashton seemed about ready to tell her to go to bed, the start of an inhale.

Zero warning. No decorum. Fearne dove in headfirst as she always does.

“So when are you going to tell Orym that you like him?”

Ashton’s inhale became a strangled noise of coughing as he started choking on their own spit. Fearne, for her part, looked Absolutely Innocent (mischievous) as the genasi struggled to quiet their coughs before it could wake up the entire group, or draw the attention of the other person on watch.

“Fearne, what the fuck?” Ashton’s voice was pitched low to a panicked whisper, hoarse from coughing.

“What?” Perfectly innocent smile. Ashton tried to wheeze back an answer, but couldn’t through trying to suppress more coughing, and failing to suppress the extreme flustered blush that now covered their entire face, obvious even in the darkness. “If everyone wasn’t so focused on the shards I’m pretty sure they would’ve noticed too.”

“But – fuck – I don’t… where did… he’s–“ Ashton stuttered. They covered their face with their hands and groaned, “The fuck do you mean?”

“What do you mean what do I mean?”

“You’re saying I, fuck, I… fucking…”

“Like Orym, my very best friend.”

“That. What does that mean? And might fuckin not, you don’t know. I don’t know. Fuck!”

Fearne thought about it. She didn’t know like, a definition.

“You don’t know?” she asked.

“No. Maybe? No.” his emphatic response.

“But you’re feeling something.” Ashton tried crushing their face even further into their hands.

“And what the fuck is it?” Ashton demanded. Their hands still covered their face, absolutely refusing to look at her. He almost looked like he wanted to run off the nearest cliff.

Hmm. Did Ashton seriously know less about these kinds of feelings than she did? Was that what he was trying to explain?

“It’s like…” Fearne thought about the little tryst she had with Deanna and Chetney. It was fun, and glorious, and she was excited, but… no, not exactly what she was asking about Ashton and Orym. She thought about Imogen and Laudna, and their recent admission to being together. That was kind of it, but didn’t seem like the right kind of description. Fearne thought about why she brought this up in the first place.

“It’s like, wanting to hang out a bit more…” she began. Ashton looked like he was glaring at her through his hands, but it was probably still out of embarrassment. He was paying very close attention to what she was saying. “… and also, maybe, saying and doing nice things for someone, just because. Something chaotic and random." Ashton removed their hands from their face and settled on having their arms crossed. Their face was still darkened with a blush, but were at least willing to show it now. Was there anything else? “And sometimes it feels like you drank a hard liquor and your stomach gets all hot, but you never even get tipsy.”

Ashton still looked like they wanted to throw themselves off a cliff.

“Does that sound familiar?” Fearne asked when Ashton failed to respond to her rambling. Some small night bird let out a haunting call.

Ashton mumbled something under their breath, at last, but Fearne couldn’t hear.

“Ashton?”

“… You’re really gonna make me fuckin say it out loud, aren’t you?” Ashton grumbled.

“You don’t have to.” Fearne said. She thought about Chetney. “But it might help.”

“Fuuuck.” Ashton pinched the bridge of his nose before looking away, refusing to make eye contact with the impossible faun. “So, maybe, hypothetically, some of what you said sounds a little fucking familiar.”

“And?”

“And maybe, I might tell Orym about it.”

“Soon?”

“This is a big fucking maybe, Fearne. Besides, you remember what Orym said, right?” and now, Ashton was questioning her.

“About what?”

“About whether or not it’s okay to miss Dorian.”

It kind of crushed her soul to remember Orym’s confession. She missed Dorian lots, oh so much, and she was pretty sure Orym did too. Orym was her best friend, and they traveled so much together. And he still felt… guilty. Over being a widower and having new friends and family (and maybe more?). But he also said how horrifically lonely he was, even with Fearne there right beside him.

She looked at Orym, curled up by the fire, and frowned.

“Maybe that’s something you two can talk about. After you tell him what you’re feeling.” Fearne offered. Ashton looked skeptical. Like he was thinking he would immediately fuck everything up. “Orym’s not going to be mean about it, I don’t think.”

“No,” Ashton agreed, “He’s going to be sad and guilty about it. And then I’m gonna feel fucking sad and guilty about it.”

Fearne smiled, “I think that’s why Orym needs his friends, Ashton. To help him feel less sad and guilty.”

“Orym would disagree.”

“I’m not saying he should stop feeling those things. Will was very important to Orym. Still is important. But… it’s eating him alive.”

“Hmm.”

“He might do something stupid and reckless because of it.”

“You think Orym’s a time bomb?”

“Maybe a little one.” Fearne sighed, then walked up to Ashton and pointed at his chest. “Tell him you like him. It’ll be good for you. Whatever happens after, happens after, so don’t worry about it right now.”

“I don’t even know if that’s true.” Ashton shrugged, leaning away. “But fine, I maybe. Might. Might, Fearne.” He stressed as Fearne started smiling deviously at him.

Good enough, she supposed. “Ooookaay then. Have a good night.” She sauntered over to the sleeping Orym, and began to curl over him to sleep, leaving Ashton standing in the moonlight, thinking.

Fearne was feeling a lot better.

#critical role #fearne calloway #ashton greymoore #orym of the air ashari #ashrym #callowmoore #bells hells #me last week: fuck I think I ship Ashrym now #you can probably tell I'm not a fan of soulmate or destined bonds stuff #and Ashton learned their lesson about recklessly chasing destiny #Ashton “Fuck Destiny” Greymoore is a mood #also Fearne would absolutely be the instigator of shenanigans #will Orym speak up first or will Ashton speak up first? Both are incorrect: The real answer is Fearne #honestly after Orym's confessions any ship with him is going to be a Long Burn that could rival Perc'ahlia #thanks for coming to my Ted Talk disguised as a fanfic