thepurplebookblog-blog

[thepurplebookblog-blog]

Since You Didn’t Ask

Nobody has ever asked why I’ve chosen to pursue the Christian faith. If it had been Islam or Buddhism there would have been questions. Since its Christianity, I think people tend to have a set of preconceived notions about it so they don’t bother asking. That’s a little sad if you ask me.

Most people pursue faith because they hunger for truth. Some part of us longs to live our lives the ‘right’ way according to whatever plan is laid out by the universe. It is partially a need to be right where others are wrong, part desire for purpose/direction and part a need to belong to something. There are so many ‘right’ ways of thinking in the world today. Logically they cannot all be right. We’ve come to accept that everything can be right as long as it is OK for the person who believes it. There seems to be no universal truth anymore, only relative truth. I don’t see how that can work and I wonder how long it will be before it blows up in all our faces.

Christianity gets such a bad rap. It isn’t the horrible thing everyone makes it out to be. Jesus himself said the two most important commandments are to love God and love your neighbor. (Matthew 22:37-40) Everything else follows. Really, why do people think this is so outrageous? Love God – the one who made everything and everyone, including YOU. Love your neighbor, meaning the people that God created. If you can honestly and continuously do these TWO THINGS, I fail to see how the world won’t become a better place.

I think the reason people get hung up is three-fold.

1) They can’t see beyond the imperfect people and politics that often overshadow God’s message. Newsflash – the message isn’t to blame. It’s the people who twist it and use it to suit their own purposes. If you don’t like it, don’t be one of them. Read the Bible yourself so you know what it says and apply it honestly. It is so hurtful when people immediately shut down or dismiss your ideas because they are faith-based. They make assumptions about what the Bible says and what it means and don’t care to hear anything else.  

2) Loving God involves OBEYING God, surrendering to His will for your life and His way of doing things. People don’t like being told what to do. We like to think we know it all and don’t need direction but we do. You wouldn’t think of traveling to a new destination without checking a map first, so why is it so strange to seek a map for living out your entire life? That’s what God’s Word is – a guideline for living, a standard against which to measure our choices.

3) People don’t like to think of themselves as bad and the Bible teaches us that we are ALL inherently bad. Sinful. That’s the word the Bible uses. The notion that everyone is drowning in sin – even ‘good’ people – used to make me very uncomfortable. It was unfathomable. Now I get it. Until you get it, the Bible just seems like a nice little story that doesn’t really apply to you. You’re not one of those bad people who needs to be ‘saved’. Hell isn’t real. OK, but what if you’re wrong and it is real? Would you be willing to listen if you knew that the things you did during your life would most certainly have eternal consequences?

I’ve still got a lot to learn about God, his Word, and his will for my life. What I do know is that pursuing Christianity has been an eye-opening experience. It has shown me areas of my life where I’ve been unforgiving, judgmental, careless, and ungrateful. I’m still those things sometimes but I recognize now that there is a loving God who knows I’m not perfect and who wants to show me a better way of being. Bad things still happen to me but I can often see how these situations have shaped my life in a positive way.  I believe that the path of my life is ultimately out of my control and that is fine. I am learning to accept it with courage and humility. I only hope that I can live long enough to become the light in the world that God meant for his followers to be.

[thepurplebookblog-blog]

Lay Your Cards on the Table

Another Christmas season is upon us and many folks are wrestling with that time-honored tradition of sending Christmas cards. I’ll confess that our household hasn’t sent a Christmas card in over 3 years. Our list of recipients used to hover around 30. The first year we were still basking in the glow of our wedding and sent cards to nearly everyone who got a wedding invitation. The year after that we whittled it down to the people who sent cards to us. We followed that rule for a couple of years and it worked pretty well. Then we moved and everything fell by the wayside. Living expenses went up and the cost of cards and postage were no longer worth it. This year I got an awesome coupon from Shutterfly for the fancy photo cards with matching envelopes. The coupon only covered the cost of 10 so that is what we are sending. Postage isn’t a problem since the Finance department at work likes to hand out goodie bags on occasion and they almost always contain a book of Forever stamps. I’m not thrilled that they are Star Trek themed but I can overlook it this time.

Choosing those 10 recipients was a challenge. The photo on the card is one that we’ve shared with most of our immediate family and friends. All of the grandparents got a copy and everyone on Facebook has seen it so sending cards to only those who had not seen our photo didn’t leave us many to choose from. In the end we went with Hubby’s grandparents (who we rarely see), a couple of my friends, two of my aunts and uncles, and a handful of relatives from my mom’s side that we do not want to lose touch with.

We feel good about the people we chose but there is a little nagging voice in my head that worries someone will inevitably feel snubbed that they didn’t get a card. People can take these little gestures so seriously and blow them up into something huge. Getting cards in the mail is fun. Hell, getting anything in the mail that isn’t a bill or a piece of junk is fun! But it’s just a card. You’re going to hang it in your window for a couple weeks and then throw it away. The folks we’re sending cards to might hang on to them for a little longer and that makes me feel quite justified in our choices.

Rest assured: even if you don’t receive a card from us, we still thought of you and hoped you had a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year.

������

[thepurplebookblog-blog]

Cartoons Aren’t Just for Kids Anymore

If you’re a parent, you’ve probably had moments where you’re watching a cartoon with your kids and find yourself just as engrossed in the plot as they are. It’s possible you’ve even continued watching long after your children have lost interest and left the room to go play somewhere else. I know I’m guilty. We’ve been watching a lot of Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug & Cat Noir at our house. Unfortunately, there is only one season on Netflix at the moment. My husband thinks it is unfortunate because we have to watch the same 26 episodes over and over. I think it is unfortunate because I’m dying to know if Ladybug and Can Noir reveal their true identities to each other in season 2.

For giggles one day, I searched the show title on Pinterest to see if anything interesting came up. Oh. My. Word. What didn’t I find?! Cosplay tutorials, fan fiction, loads of stuff from DeviantArt, tumblr discussions, etc. Some of the fan-made comics on DeviantArt are really good! There are so many takes on ‘the big reveal’ between Marinette and Adrien that it’s hard to pick a favorite. Same for Adrien finding out that his father is Hawkmoth. Makes me wish they’d make a grown-up version of the cartoon so some of the story lines could come true.

Speaking of DeviantArt, that site is a goldmine of inspiration. I would love to be half as good as the folks who post on there. It has been such a long time since I sat down to draw anything. Sketching Disney characters and random stuff for the kids hardly counts as being creative. I used to think art would be my life, but graphic design jobs are hard to come by in this area. My degree is so old (9 years), I doubt anyone would hire me now unless I went back to school first. It would be fun to draw for my own pleasure, though. I’ve been thinking about trying my hand at manga comics – maybe sketch out a Ladybug & Cat Noir story… ;) If nothing else, the boys might think it’s cool. There’s nothing better than appearing cool in the eyes of your toddlers.

#miraculous #adrienette #tales of ladybug and cat noir

[thepurplebookblog-blog]

Could you explain how to do lighting in landscapes?? I'm thinking specifically of how the heck they do it in Steven Universe. They have beautiful artwork and I'd love to be able to achieve that sort of lighting. Thanks!

Ah well lighting in animation backgrounds are done with the express purpose of guiding the eye to where the animation is going to take place - think of it like setting up spot lighting on a stage!

In fact, in a lot of cases the su team do literally set things up with what are essentially spotlights

Note that all of the characters are in areas where the light is shining. This is done because your eyes are drawn to the areas with the highest contrast, so your eyes jump to the spotlights - and by extension, the characters!

Now if i show you some backgrounds without the characters, can you guess where abouts the characters are on the stage?

Now the thing to understand about the lighting in these backgrounds is that there are some rules and guidelines that inform the colour choices and value ranges.

Scenery is divided into planes, the Foreground, Background, and the Middleground which is generally where the characters are staged.

In outdoor scenery there is also often Deep Space, which is things waaay off in the distance like mountains.

Take a look at this background for example:

This background has all of the different planes, you can flatten them each down into a solid colour

as i mention in the key there, the foreground is generally in contrast to the background and deep space.

If the background is full of cold blues and purples, the foreground is going to be warmer colours like browns and greens.

It’s also going to be on the opposite end of the value range - deep space is usually pale in colour and uses the higher end of the value range, whilst the foreground is usually darker and uses the lower end of the value range.

the colour of the sky is very important to the rest of the colour scheme!this is because of aerial perspective. It’s a simple enough concept, but it does need a little explaining

This is easiest to understand if you think of a really foggy day - you know how things get really hazy the further out in the fog they get?

This happens on regular days too! It’s just that it needs to be super far away for it to be noticeable.

So, basically, the further away something gets, the less contrast there will be and the colour will become closer to that of the sky.

The reason for this is because of the water in the atmosphere - the sun shines on it and it reflects the colour of the sky, which is particularly noticeable on foggy days due to there being so much water.

most of the time, this means that things in the distance will turn bluer, due to the sky normally being blue.

However! SU regularly takes place at different times of day, so you can see how the colour of the sky and how bright it is changes the aerial perspective

as for actually setting up the lighting, there are some simple rules to follow.

the area of highest contrast is where the viewer is going to look. To understand this better, look at the backgrounds in black and white only:

Your eyes are drawn to Beach Citywalk Fries because there is a stark contrast between the shadows and the spotlight! 

It has the highest range of values going all the way through from black to white in the middleground.

The areas your eyes are not drawn to, however, only have a small range of values. The foreground goes from dark grey to black, and the background goes from light grey to white.

Generally, the foreground will be darker than the middleground, and the background will be lighter, whilst the middleground will have a full range of values.

I say generally as this is not always the case, there are lighting situations where the background will be the darkest part of the image

but they’re pretty unusual!

so in summary:

- figure out where you want the viewer to look, that should be the area of highest contrast. That means that there should be strong shadows and strong highlights.

- make use of aerial perspective to add depth to your scenery, the further away something is the less contrast it should have.

- Set your scenes up with the planes in mind, use the most values in the middleground and use opposite values for the foreground and background.

And also, you might want to check out kevindart, ducksofrubber, and ellemichalka,  because they’re the art directors for steven universe! i also believe amandawinterstein and rickycometa are background painters c:

[thepurplebookblog-blog]

A Lesson in Unrealistic Expectations and Eavesdropping

Remember the coworkers I mentioned a couple of posts back? Specifically the one with a boatload of kids who still manages to find time and energy for leisure?  I found out his secret. During a trip to the coffee machine, one of the ladies in the department where this gentleman used to work struck up a conversation. I mentioned how I was in awe of his ability to function each day given the busy life he seems to lead at home. She laughed and said “Don’t beat yourself up trying to draw comparisons between his family and yours. That right there is a special situation - totally unreal.”  Apparently his wife is a SAHM who takes care of the kids and does most of the running. Swimming is their life because they are all in love with the sport. The craziness IS their leisure.

I realized two things from this situation.

1)      Eavesdropping should be for entertainment purposes only. Let what you hear go in one ear and out the other. Dwelling on anything you might hear is pointless because you’re never going to get the full story.

2)      Comparing yourself to someone else is equally pointless. You’ll always be comparing apples to oranges. You may appear to be in the same situation but there could be a hundred other factors that make you different.

I’ve seen a quote floating around on Facebook and Pintrest that urges people to stop judging their success by what other people have. Truer words were never written. Sometimes I get so tired of feeling like we’re getting nowhere even though we’re struggling as hard as we can. It is hard not to look at people who seem to have it easy and wonder what we are doing wrong. The truth is – we aren’t necessarily doing anything wrong. Our bills get paid. Our children are healthy and well-adjusted. We have everything we need to live day-to-day. The only thing we are missing is excess. I wish it were easy to stop wanting, but it isn’t. Society encourages materialism everywhere we look. All we can do is resist the temptation to compare, one day at a time, until we teach ourselves to quit doing it all together.

[thepurplebookblog-blog]

[thepurplebookblog-blog]

Bedtime Battles

Sacrificing sleep is expected if you’re going to be a parent. I used to think it would get better once the boys outgrew the crib stage but clearly that isn’t so. Kids hate sleep as much as their parents long for it. They don’t want to go to bed, stay in their own bed, take a nap – all of the things that parents would LOVE to do if given ample time and opportunity. The irony is that both parents and children become grumpier versions of themselves without enough sleep. Hubby can attest that I turn into a flesh-eating zombie after too many nights without good sleep. Nobody’s rear end is safe.

In the beginning, son #2 (“A”) loved his toddler bed. The transition from the crib was seamless. Months went by without so much as a whimper at being tucked into bed for a nap or bedtime. Now he pops out of bed after a few minutes making the usual complaints – I need a drink. Can we rock? I forgot to give you a hug. I want [name of stuffed animal]. If we don’t keep a close eye on him, A will venture into his older brother’s room and climb into his bed. Sometimes they fall asleep together, sometimes they stay awake fidgeting. We’ve tried numerous threats, promises, and tactics to keep him in his own bed. They usually result in a lot of crying and screaming (on both our parts). Unless someone stands sentinel outside his door, he’s going to get up and escape. And heaven forbid someone should wake him up before he is ready! Unless A is allowed to wake up on his own, that boy turns into a rage monster. It is better to leave his door open and let the noise of the house do its job than to wake him with a quiet voice and a gentle kiss.

Son #1 (“J”) went through a similar phase. We were so thankful when he started sleeping through the night that we let our guard down. It wasn’t long before J started creeping into our bed on rare occasions to cuddle in the middle of the night. It was cute for a while…until ‘rare occasions’ turned into ‘every night’ and eventually ‘several times a night’. J also throws the occasional tantrum when I try to tuck him back into his own bed. He’ll kick, scream, cry, slap, even jump back out of his bed and cross the room in protest…yet he is only half awake. There’s no reasoning with him. Some nights it takes everything I’ve got not to toss a glass of water in his face to make him snap out of it, but that would only make him scream more.

I’ve tried the mature approach a couple of times and had little chats with J about how he needs to try and stay in his own bed. He’s a pretty smart kid for only 4 years old. Here’s how the last conversation went…

Me: Sweetie, I know you like hugging with me at night but you need to try and stay in your own bed more, ok?

J: [puzzled look] Why?

Me: Well, when you come in my bed all the time it wakes me up and I can’t get enough sleep. Then I’m tired and grumpy the next day. You don’t like it when I’m grumpy, do you?

J: No…

Me: Me neither. It’s ok if you come in once in a while but not every night. I like your hugs but I really need to get more sleep so I can get up early for work. So let’s see if you can stay in your own bed tonight, ok?

J: Ok. But I don’t like it when A comes in my bed.

Me: Really? Why?

J: Because when he comes in my bed it wakes me up and makes me mad at him.

Me: Ohhhhh, you don’t like that, huh?  [screams internally at the irony]

J: No, so can you tell him to stop coming in my bed? Cuz I can’t sleep and I don’t like that.

Me: Yup. I’ll get right on that…

(��<

[thepurplebookblog-blog]

Be kind to your server

Going out to eat is an ordinary event. We fat Americans are preoccupied with food in a way that many foreigners cannot seem to understand. We equate food with entertainment. There are dozens of themed restaurants that have unique and interesting atmospheres. There are steak houses, bar-and-grills, seafood places, Italian bistros, sushi bars, Chinese buffets. There’s something for everybody.

You know what they all have in common? Servers. Waiters, waitresses, bus boys, bartenders – people who are there to facilitate whatever meal you’re there to experience.  Society tends to look down its nose at people in these positions and it baffles me. Being a server is an honest job that actually does require a bit of skill if you’re going to be successful. The hours can be long, the wages are crap, and customers think they are entitled to being treated like they’re the only ones in the restaurant. If the service is anything less than perfect – for any reason – there goes the tip. This blows my mind. I know people who act like this to servers and it makes me dread going out with them sometimes. In case you’re afraid it might be YOU, here are a few pieces of kind advice to chew on the next time you eat at a restaurant.

Don’t expect to be treated like you’re their only table. Most restaurants are pretty good at divvying up tables among their shift of servers. It isn’t fair to them or you to overload them with customers to the point where they can’t manage them all. That doesn’t mean someone can’t go home or call in sick and make everyone else pick up their slack. Consider the time it takes to bring silverware, bring drinks, come back to take an order, deliver that order, check on the table once or twice, then come back to deliver/take away the bill. Factor in the speed of the kitchen staff and multiply that by the number of tables and you’ll have a pretty good idea of what ONE server has to juggle. This is one of those skills I was talking about earlier.

Your server is a human. Being a human means they are prone to making mistakes, getting confused, and forgetting things.  If you’re part of a large group and your server forgets to bring somebody’s water, cut them some slack. If you ask them to put your salad dressing on the side when they have been taught to put it ON the salad before serving, don’t give them a hard time. They have a laundry list of things to remember and it is constantly changing as customers come and go. Something is bound to get lost in the din.

Your server has a life outside of the job that may affect their performance. For example: We’ve all heard stories of young parents who work multiple jobs to support their families while trying to earn a degree. Think about that situation for a second. Young parent = small children = exhausting to take care of. Multiple jobs = long hours working. Earning a degree = going to class and finding time to study amid everything else. Add all this up and your server might just come to work feeling like a zombie some days, but kids gotta eat and bills gotta get paid. At least they’re trying. There are definitely “stupid” servers who should probably find another profession but being tired at work does not make you “stupid”.

Servers are often at the mercy of the kitchen staff. The cooks are the ones who prepare your food, not the servers. Why do people think it is ok to lay all the blame on the server when your meal takes a long time to show up or isn’t perfectly well done? I once had a gentleman come UNGLUED because his chicken dinner failed to arrive at the same time as everyone else’s meal. The cook forgot to put it in the fryer and it takes 20 minutes to cook thoroughly. No matter how calmly I tried to explain that I was doing everything I could, he continued to belittle me for my poor service. Sound fair? Of course not.

Everyone has to learn somehow. If you think a monkey could be trained to wait tables, you might be right, but it won’t happen overnight. Same with people. Learning to be a good server takes practice. You’ve got to find your groove and learn the tricks and habits that work. That’s hard to do if your customers are rude and impatient.

Kindness is the key to good service. Even if your server is not still learning the ropes, they are still prone to bad days. Being short, snippy, demanding, and impatient with them isn’t going to improve their performance. It’s only going to make them spit in your drink when you’re not looking – and rightfully so. Being kind and gracious is the only way you can ever hope to get better service.

If you’re still convinced that servers need to treat you like the king or queen of England no matter what, please remember one final thing: the wages are CRAP. Without your tip, they make a measly $3.10 an hour. I can almost hear some people saying ‘All the more reason for them to provide the BEST service!’ Pardon my obnoxious eye roll. You don’t have to tip them $100 for a $10 meal but leave them something close to 15%. Anything less is a reflection on you, not them.

#waitresses #waitors #bekind

[thepurplebookblog-blog]

To speak or not to speak; that is the question

We’ve all got something to say. We all have opinions, emotions, and ideas that are bubbling beneath the surface, begging to be released.  Holding them back creates an unusual kind of discomfort, at least in my experience, and often produces a dilemma. (See the title of this post)

Take, for example, an opinion on any hot-button topic in society. There are a number of subjects that can provoke a veritable tsunami of inflammatory responses in no time. I used to be quick to weigh in on such things – I had something to say, after all! Over time, I’ve learned that nothing good ever comes of it. Some topics strike deeper nerves than others and the urge to say something is can be so strong. It is easy to lash out without giving it much thought; emotion overshadowing logic. The result is just more angry people and zero changed opinions.

Another example that I personally struggle with (a LOT) is expressing emotions. Not that I am confused about what they are, but rather if it is even a good idea to express them. I’ll have a feeling about this thing. It is so strong that it can be overwhelming at times. Shouting it from the rooftops would be the most cathartic thing imaginable. Having someone hear and understand my feeling about this thing would be like a balm to my soul. On the flip side, sharing this feeling would result in a considerable amount of backlash. So what’s worse? The misery of keeping it bottled up or the flood of negativity that would inevitably come pouring forth? Decisions, decisions.

The Bible says we should only say things that help build others up (Eph. 4:29). I’ve been trying to live by that rule as much as possible. I’m a long way from mastering it but there have been times when I know it has saved me some grief. It still doesn’t stop me from feeling upset by the things I don’t say. Where is the outlet, then? What am I even hoping to accomplish? Writing in a journal is one solution, but nobody is ever going to see it besides me. Posting it to social media ensures maximum exposure and also invites harsh criticism. That’s definitely not the goal. Guess that leaves cryptic posts to a blog that may or may not be read by anyone. I feel loads better already. *sigh 

[thepurplebookblog-blog]

Put your heart into it...

Spirituality is one area we all struggle with. Even if you ignore it, you’re still struggling, whether you realize it or not. There are so many aspects of spirituality to get caught up in but today’s post is going to hone in on prayer.

Prayer seems a simple enough concept. Find a quiet place, close your eyes, fold your hands, and start a conversation with God. I’m sure for many people it is that simple. I used to think so. Then I started reading the Bible a little more and now I wonder sometimes if I’m doing it wrong. During a bible study class we talked about the notion of praying wherever you are, no matter what you are doing. Connecting with God through prayer doesn’t have to be limited to quiet, secluded places. Someone said they prayed the whole time they were washing dishes. The idea of multitasking this way was appealing – after all, how many mothers of small children do you know that have time to find a quiet, secluded place? So I started sending up ‘arrow prayers’ whenever the need arose. These were short, often hurried, prayers for someone in need, for myself, for my kids. I rationalized that a quick prayer was better than none. Just because a prayer is quick doesn’t mean it is any less sincere.

But a little voice inside me started nagging. Are you really being sincere? You can’t take 5 minutes out of your day to sit down, clear your mind, and really focus on the thing/person you’re praying for? Sounds a little lazy and half-hearted… I started to question whether I was truly praying or just spewing words to make myself feel better. It is easy to say ‘Of course!’ when someone asks you to pray for them or comment ‘Praying!’ when you see someone post about hardship on social media. Follow through is a little tougher. Saying you’ll pray and not doing it is pretty much lying. We all know how God feels about lies. So these quick prayers served a dual purpose – pray for the person/situation as promised and cover my rear. All of my arrow prayers began to feel tinged with guilt. In the back of my mind I was thinking ‘Better hurry up and say a quick prayer for this or you’ll be a filthy liar.’

And today I stumbled upon this:

Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few. – Ecclesiastes 5:2

There you have it: do not be hasty in your heart. Does that mean I shouldn’t bother praying unless I have more than 30 seconds to devote to it? Probably not, but I should be aware of the true motivation in my heart before sending up that 30 second prayer. Or else I should make a mental note to set aside more time in the near future to fulfil my promise. That’s where the heart of my struggle with prayer lies – finding time to devote to it. A friend of mine likes to say ‘make time’ instead of ‘find time’. That small distinction between make and find says loads. Maybe if I can make time, my heart will be in it.

[thepurplebookblog-blog]

About the title of this blog

When I was a freshman in high school, life seemed to suck. It really started in middle school, but the outlet for my frustrations didn’t come until high school. God, I wouldn’t re-live that period in my life for anything. Would anybody, if we’re honest? Hormones make us awkward. Kids are MEAN at that age. We’re all struggling to establish our identities while our bodies change in unpleasant ways.

Freshman year was rough for me socially. Most of the kids in my small circle of friends were moderately popular in some way – and I most definitely wasn’t. They played sports, played in the school band, belonged to the drama club. They were all comfortable talking to the really cool kids. A strict moral upbringing made me nerdy and slightly prudish. I didn’t dress ‘cool’. I didn’t go to parties or football games (see previous post). I mostly sat back and silently passed judgment on my friends as they lived normal teenage lives. Sometimes I wasn’t so silent and that led to drama.

To compound it all, we hosted our first exchange student that year. She came from Denmark, spoke perfect English, and even had dual Danish-American citizenship. It was like she wasn’t even an exchange student. Her personality initially made her very hard to live with but she changed for the better as the year went on. Can’t say the same for myself. I turned into a total bitch. I’m not proud of it and we did eventually become good friends, but during that phase of our relationship I had more pent-up rage than I care to admit.

That’s where the purple book comes in. The first journal I started keeping was actually black. Every time I got angry I would whip out my thesaurus and start calling people every colorful name and description I could string together. It was cathartic, like removing a tumor that that was making me sick. That journal wasn’t very big and soon had to be replaced. Considering how quickly the other book filled up I figured the next one should be bigger – high school girls don’t have tons of money to be spending on journals, ya know. I found a thick, spiral-bound sketchbook with a purple cover. No lines meant I was free to draw my feelings if the mood warranted.

Before making the first entry I thumbed through the old book just for giggles. It occurred to me that I had created something wholly negative and depressing. Every page dripped with venom and sadness. Why would I ever want to look back on this? That is when I promised myself that the next journal would contain positive things as well as negative. It became a place to work out thoughts and feelings constructively, to document joys as well as disappointment.

It has been years since I wrote in that journal but I still have it. Somehow it doesn’t feel right to add to it anymore – I’m not the same person who started it. Blogging seems to be the thing to do now. It is way more public than jotting down feelings in a notebook but maybe what I need now is fewer secrets and more connection. If one person reads my blog, finds value in it, is reassured by it, responds to it, then starting it was the right decision.

[thepurplebookblog-blog]

Parenting - I’m doing it wrong

Where DO all these people in my office get the time to live fulfilling lives? After overhearing numerous conversations between the other folks in my cube farm about what happened to them over the weekend, I’m beginning to think I’m doing something wrong with my life.

One guy has seven kids (seriously, SEVEN). Every morning he banters with the other guys about swim meets, soccer games, how they did at a round of golf the night before. It blows my mind. We only have two kids (or four, depending on whether it is our night with Hubby’s kids) and it is ALL. I. CAN. DO. to get dinner on the table and get through the bedtime routine before passing out on the couch. The big kids have band, cross country, and Boy Scouts. The idea of adding another extracurricular activity to the mix makes me want to sink into the floor in despair. Hubby says my attitude will change once our kids reach school age but I beg to differ.

Maybe I’m weird. Sports never held any appeal to me growing up. I wasn’t athletic and certainly not popular. I joined band in high school because all of my friends were band geeks. I joined poms for the same reason. My parents never came to games and it didn’t bother me a bit. As a parent, sports are still unappealing, especially the outdoor kind. There are a number of things I’d rather be doing besides sitting in the burning sun to watch soccer or track. For example, cleaning the toilet or watching paint dry. Guess that makes me a horrible mom.

[thepurplebookblog-blog]

I promise - I’m not always this negative

I have no idea what I’m doing.

Sometimes it feels like that statement applies to every aspect of my life. Work. Family. Spirituality. Stumbling through each day like a drunk stumbles through a sobriety test. I’m a huge fake and nobody has noticed it yet.

Like every kid, I used to imagine what life would be like as an adult. Growing up in a financially secure household with extremely encouraging parents, the American Dream seemed well within reach. I had every reason to believe I’d graduate from college and get a job right away. Marry the man of my dreams. Live in a big house with our six perfect kids. Drive a nice car. Visit Disney World every year.

What life delivered was a skewed version of what I expected.  My job is decent but has zero to do with my degree. We have four kids, two of which are not biologically mine. And we haven’t been out of the state in years. The word ‘disappointed’ seems a little strong to describe how it all makes me feel; more like disillusioned.  My parents did everything they could to prepare me for the real world. They did a wonderful job, too, except they never warned me that adulthood could fail to live up to my expectations. They probably knew that and didn’t want to ruin the surprise.