tubbotums

[tubbotums]

Potentially deleting this blog in the coming days Save whatever the hell you want before I do

[tubbotums]

You did Hiyoko?

When I was still doing stuff yeah

[tubbotums]

What is your discord?

Not giving that out to an anon and only to mutuals so if you want it get off of it and show me who you are

[tubbotums]

You know answering those other anons just shows how much of a hypocritical bitch baby you are right? Stop saying you’re not coming around here and trying to better yourself and then lying about it by coming into tumblr and being such a whiny fuckwit. You’re honestly pathetic.

Okay loser who won’t even get off anon lol

Trying to talk like you actually know me is a really funny thing to do around these parts

[tubbotums]

You’re so mean and pissed

Fed up people can’t read more than anything

#Anonymous

[tubbotums]

Fic will be up sometime next week Ann fic after

[tubbotums]

I am not RPing on here for the foreseeable future

I am not making new icons for any of you

Please stop sending me asks regarding either

Literally makes me sick thinking about it and I’m pissed I have to keep answering them and telling people no after I spent an hour typing out an entire thing explaining why

Go to someone else for fatty wank. Or better yet, read my fucking fics if you’re that desperate for my writing. It’s not easily accessible art but it’s something.

Please stop. End of discussion.

[tubbotums]

We need more fat face Yang icons

Have fun finding someone who will provide it because I sure as hell won’t any time soon!

[tubbotums]

Which ladies is immobile or blob (no each body parts get sink into limbs btw)

Please read the last post thank you

[tubbotums]

Your feelings are valid. I have zero context or anything, but it's clear you need even a small bit of a pick me up. I hope your day, week, month, year gets better.

Need way more than a pick me up at this point but thanks for your well wishes

[tubbotums]

Every time I come on here I spend maybe half of that time typing and deleting what I want to say because I know at this point every single word I use will be used against me in some way but whatever.

I get your asks. I get your messages. Thank you.

TL;DR this is another reminder this blog is strictly advertisements and commission postings rn. Below is feelings on my chest from a bad year that I needed to get out. It’s ventings from my heart of hearts that need to leave my system so I can just move on with myself. It’s repetitive, it’s probably going to be used against me too!

But I don’t care. I’m at my breaking point and this is it. If you read it, thanks! If not, that’s cool too! I don’t care. I don’t know how to finish it without being called something I’m not, so yeah. Cut is below. Enjoy yourselves. Keep trying to be happy and live your best life is all I can really say.

My drive to RP is at a low beyond lows. I would love to but I honestly cannot look at any of the icons I made and not feel my stomach churn. I hate this blog. It’s awful. It’s disgusting. It makes me sick. It makes me angry. I hate it.

I thought blocking people would help, and it 100% did for the limited period it gave me some kind of peace of mind, but I think that’s gone out the window now. Blocking ensures I never have to see the people I don’t want to see, but lingering thoughts and phrases that I see get connected on my blog just make me want to vomit.

Favorite characters of mine become violent reminders of the things I want to just never forget. The worst part about it all is that I have to remember it forever. I’ve lost track of the amount of times I’ve attempted thinking about it in some other way to put a positive spin on everything that’s happened, but I cannot.

The lowest points of my life are vividly spread out throughout this blog, and I hate it.

So much of this entire tangent is me saying how much I hate it all but I literally cannot escape it. I’ve been gaslit, I’ve been told my feelings don’t matter. I’ve lost sleep over this, wasted time of my life I’m never getting back. I’ve been pushed to the brink repeatedly, especially over the last year which, along with 2018, has been the absolute worst year of my life. And you wanna know the worst part?

I still care.

I still look and hope for messages from people. I still hope that maybe, just maybe, I can share this cool thing that I found that reminded me of someone from here. Maybe I can share my happiness over this little thing that put a smile on my face. It won’t happen and I stopped holding my breath, but maybe it will.

My life has been utter hell since 2018 and I’ve done everything I can to crawl back from it. There are maybe two people on here and a third who’s become a close friend that know the full story because I cannot share it openly. I refuse unless I want to be told again “you’re just playing victim.” I wish I could tell my best friends but I fucking can’t because I’m starting to question who my friends are.

I’m tired of that. I’m so sick of it.

Long story short, I don’t know when I’m RPing again with anyone from around here. I don’t know how long I want to even be remembered on here. I appreciate literally all the attention I get from the dumbest of shit I share. I appreciate the one message from someone who actually wants to know context behind a commission, or the one person who asks “what’s been going on at home?” or something. I want to connect with people on here but I physically don’t feel like I can anymore. I don’t feel like I’m allowed to.

This is literally just a fraction of my thoughts from the last year. I’ll finish it with this just because I need to say it again.

Thank you to those who do reach out. Thank you for at least slowly pushing me out of my hole and making me feel like I can begin to trust again. I don’t show it well and I probably won’t for a while, which is why I need to just say that I appreciate it. I’ll repay it in full. I promise.

This blog is going to be advertisements and commissions for a while. Will I ever get the need to RP on here? Idk maybe. Maybe not. I need to not feel sick looking at it or being reminded of the part of my life where quite literally everything fell apart. You wanna talk more with me about this so we can hash things out, understand each other better, whatever? Message me. You know my Discord if you’re a mutual. We can talk, chat, share our life stories over a cup of tea and maybe I can feel like I know the person running things instead of the faceclaim we all put out. I’m tired of that. I want to know people. I want friends. We’re friends with each other’s online personas, not the actual person.

Or maybe I’m wrong and you all actually are friends and I’m the fool for believing otherwise. Maybe this place is a community and we’re all friends, but to me it’s the farthest thing from it and I’m starting to feel like that’s a joke I’m just not in on.

I’m tired of feigning a smile and pretending I’m okay and feeling great when I’m not and haven’t been for a fucking year.

If you read this, hope you got something out of it. Maybe you learned a little bit more about me, for uglier or better. Maybe you got some fuel to use in my ask box later. I don’t know who gets their kicks off this blog anymore and I don’t care.

See you in the asks box, DMs, or anywhere else. I hope we can talk and know each other. I hope we can be more than just people who did some ERP or something. I’d love it. I’d love to get on a call, play games with you all and actually feel a connection.

But I don’t feel that now. I don’t know when I will.

Live your best life and enjoy yourself on here if you have fun. Enjoy each other’s company.

[tubbotums]

P5 does this mean Ann and makoto blob time 👀

Considering I barely RP and I have hard time actually justifying that anyone would want to see me write it again I highly doubt it lol

I can just write a fic if anything. I miss it but like there are ways around it

[tubbotums]

Miss actually writing P5 stuff

[tubbotums]

More Kiss-Shot art commed

Because Monogatari is a hell of a drug

Done by piffledoodle on Twitter again

I’d share context/reasoning for the picture but I don’t think anyone cares so just take the clean and slob alts

#Shinobu #art i commissioned

[tubbotums]

New fic is up, Mother Eagle Roosts

It’s a sequel to the last one, Plight of the Eagle. If you want to read either click the links attached to each title.

New fic should hopefully be out next week

[tubbotums]

should-be #1

[tubbotums]

Shinobu/Kiss-Shot is a character that exists

Shit is wild