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utterly-mediocre · 8 months

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A collection of letters from a lovesick and naive girl

To you, who still manages to capture my heart after all these years,

I’m not even sure if you would ever be able to read this. I’m a coward, as evident by the way I bottled up these emotions and watched you from afar for years rather than actually trying to convey to you how I feel, in real life. So here I am, compiling a collection of my thoughts- most of it coming to me at ungodly hours of the night- and hiding behind a screen. It seems I haven’t matured much at all from that first time I laid my eyes on you.

Anyway, on the incredibly rare occasion that I do somehow figure out a way to deliver this to you, I hope you take the time out of your day to read this. I’ve come to terms that I would never be anything special to you, but that still doesn’t mean that I’m not absolutely smitten over you. I’m not expecting anything to come out of this, honestly, I just want this out of my system. So don’t worry about reciprocating my feelings or anything like that, I’m perfectly fine with how things are as is.

This, I guess you could call it a letter?, would contain a little section of mini letters and each mini letter will be numbered according to a playlist. Most of the songs listed are actually what I was listening to while I was writing whatever I was thinking. You might think this is too much hassle for someone trying- emphasis on trying- to let go of their feelings and to be honest, you’re right. I’m just over dramatic. Nevertheless, I do hope you somehow are able to read this, someday.

;golden hour

I Everything Has Changed - Taylor Swift

II Risk It All - Yuna

III I've Never Been In Love Before - Laufey

IV Love Letter From The Sea To The Shore - Delaney Bailey

VI Sunlight - Hozier

I Everything Has Changed - Taylor Swift

“All I know is a simple name /

And everything has changed”

I don't actually remember the specifics of when I had truly fallen for you. You had crept so slowly into my heart and the depths of my mind that eventually I found that you were all that I could think of.

I used to jokingly say it was love at first sight but that isn't really true. It was more like gradually getting pulled towards you, and a sense of familiarity that I can’t quite put my finger on took root in the crevices of my soul, it’s tendril wrapped tightly around my heart. It felt as though my soul had known you before and now that I've met you again, a desperation to get close to you makes itself known with every time our eyes meet. I could feel the centre of my universe shifting slowly towards you the very moment my eyes laid on you.

I keep thinking of that one time my hand had brushed against yours and almost every night since then, I wonder what it would be like if I held your hand in mine. Would it fit perfectly? Would it feel as warm as I imagined? I find myself yearning for your presence, and my eyes would always subconsciously search for you.

It was a new and scary feeling, but it felt so, so good.

II Risk It All - Yuna

“I would risk it all, just to feel your touch /

I just want it all, if it ain't too much”

I've always been scared of authority figures ever since I was a young child, and I carried that throughout my life. And so, I've decided early on to not tell you my feelings. I took one look at it, and with shaking hands, I buried it to the back of my mind. Because I was so scared of the consequences. I was so scared of that omnipotent God I spent my whole life fearing. And to be completely honest, I still feel that paralyzing fear sinking deep into my bones sometimes. My heart is bursting at the seams and each time I see you around I feel like screaming out how much I wanted to be yours but I’d find that the words just wouldn’t come out of my mouth.

I tried everything to lose these feelings and to pretend that I'm a good, pious child. Frustratingly, nothing ever seemed to work. The more I tried to push the thoughts of you away, the more my heart craves you. It was a new sensation, and it probably is the worst pain I had ever experienced. It was as though someone had ripped my heart out, replaced it with pebbles and forced me to live normally. But it’s impossible to do so, everything reminds me of you. I couldn’t help but imagine a world where I could freely love you without any reservations. A different world where I either could be yours or find a healthier way to move on instead of mulling over what could've been if I wasn't such a spineless fool.

And yet, now I feel as though I would be able to break free from all the restrictions if it meant that I could be by your side. For you, I would gladly break the stifling rules of my religion. What’s heaven got that I can’t find by being with you anyway? I’d much rather endure the fiery pits of hell with your hand held firmly in mine.

III I've Never Been In Love Before - Laufey

“So please forgive this helpless haze I'm in /

I've really never been /

In love before"

Try as I might, I would never be able to fully express how deeply my feelings for you run. I could try to compare you to the stars, the ocean, the flowers, the galaxies; all of the world's wonders. I could try to compare you to a million different things but the language runs dry. Everything pales in comparison to you.

I work hard to be poetic in expressing my feelings for you anyway, but it's all too overwhelming and passionate and it's overflowing out of my chest. Not just in love but completely submerged in it, permeated by it, to the point that I find the words that I try to string together no longer make sense. You've truly enchanted me and now I'm rendered a mess.

You might find it weird. I get it. I’ll admit that it is. I don’t truly know you, only the fragments of yourself that you decide to show others. But I cling to those pieces anyway and try my best to store it in my memories, as though it would ever be of use. Because it wouldn't. I would never be yours.

IV Love Letter From The Sea To The Shore - Delaney Bailey

“Like the tourist comes back to the beach /

I come back to you for more and more and more”

Did you know that humans are made of stardust? Well, not quite, but it's been said that the very elements that exist in our body came from exploded stars. Which means that the atoms of my left hand may come from a different star from my right, and maybe some of the atoms that were meant to be in my body had ended up in yours.

Because, even if I somehow find it in myself to not think of you anymore and so much time has passed, a part of me will forever be yours. At this point in time, I have no true desire to pursue you since I’ve made peace with the fact that I’m just not meant to be yours a long time ago. However, I still find that my mind keeps coming back to you. Every train of thought that I have, even if it initially didn’t have anything to do with you, would inevitably lead me to think of you. Everything that I know about you (though it's not much, I'd admit that) is carved into my brain and I have no way of getting it out. I think of you so endlessly that I feel as though the last star in the universe might fizzle out and die before I can even begin to try to forget you. It’s honestly corny but it’s true. You will forever be in the forefront of my mind.

V Sunlight - Hozier

“Know that I would gladly be /

The Icarus to your certainty /

Oh, my sunlight, sunlight, sunlight"

Once, on a particularly lazy afternoon, my mother showed me a video completely unprompted. We were laying on the living room rug then, and I was about to doze off while watching the television but instead she thrusted her phone into my face, playing a video of a couple getting whipped and punished and I could feel myself freeze. I was laying so close to her then, our shoulders almost touching. I remember the disgust, both for myself and for the policemen punishing them, coiling tighter and tighter in my stomach that I could barely hold myself together. I waited a few hours until my mother decided to take her nap before running and emptying the contents of my stomach into the toilet bowl.

I do wonder, though. Would God really have condemned those who commit sodomy if he were put in my shoes and saw just how divine you looked with the sunlight perfectly framing your silhouette, forming an almost golden halo above your head with your smile as blinding as the sun? Would he not understand at that very moment why I had spent so many years adoring you in secret when the thought of actually accepting that part of myself made me feel nauseated? But even if he didn't, does it matter? Heaven and hell are mere words to me now. If I wanted to find something to devote my faith to, shouldn't I devote it to you instead? It feels more religious, rather than devoting myself to a God who had claimed to create me, all the while condemning me for something I can no more control than I can control my heartbeat.

#wlw #pining #unrequited love

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