utterlyhzy

[utterlyhzy]

They were right

People always say "its a feeling you can't explain" when it comes to having a child of your own. I didn't knock it, but I definitely didn't understand it. Until now...

[utterlyhzy]

Hard out here for a pimp

Being nonchalant and also caring deeply about the things you love

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A blessing has been placed on my life that circumstances and people can not stop

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Being a human cool as fuck

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I don't know...

So yesterday I looked up the word depression... Why? Because I was trying to figure out if I am.. After reading up on it though I don't think I am. Or I still don't really know for real. It's hard to say because it's such a complex thing. Some of the symptoms were OD, like I can clearly say hell nah that's not what I'm feeling. Others made me think a little bit. Like hmmm, I don't really know... So I came to the ultimate conclusion that I'm not depressed. I'm just extremely down.

I haven't been feeling like this for a long time. But I've had some feeling for some time that I can't describe that eventually crept up to this point. Feeling like I don't want to be around people or talk to them but at the same time yearning to be around my loved ones, being hella bored but also not doing much to change that, I'm still eating consciously but I'm still not eating how I could/should be, not able to accept the love that people show me. I haven't been truly present. I'm just here, going through the motions and every now and then being myself.

What's crazy though is I can tell you exactly what things are bothering me. I've been over them in my head over and over again. (That's a problem too.) But I can't seem to work things out or just simply get over them. I know some things you can't just get over. I'm trying to let time do it's thing but I feel like even with all the time that's passed I'm still in the stage I was from the beginning. Like the feelings haven't subsided even a little bit.

How do therapist work? From my understanding you go in there and tell them what's wrong, they dig a little deeper and ask what's the root cause of everything, you figure it out, and they tell you how to work it out so you feel better? I feel like I did that though. Like I took all the steps except for the last one, the working it out part. I don't know though... I feel like even with whatever they tell you to do, time still plays a big part in it.

That's what I keep telling myself. "With time you'll be fine." Lowkey be feeling like I'm lying to myself though. Just a little bit. Because it's half true. I know me. Yes with time I will be fine but there will still be a wound there. Not a physical one but one in my mind. The kind we can't treat... Do we ever really heal? Or do we just learn to live with it?

-BS

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Bruh...

I'm boiling inside. Fucking 38. I don't know how to go about expressing myself without going out sad. Really I've already pled my case and I thought that would help but it didn't. Bitches is still mad. It's me, I'm bitches.

I've been in this place before though. All in my head, sad, mad, indifferent. So I already know that time heals all. But damn. This is hard. Circumstances are a little different than the other times so this time it hits a little different. In the end though its really the same as all the other times. So I just need to let nature take it's course. I'll get better. Be a little less mad and a little less sad. I just have to be patient. Be patient. Be patient. Be patient. Be patient. Be patient. Be patient. Be patient. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee patientttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.

-BS

[utterlyhzy]

FUCK TTLS!

The other day I overheard my mom singing my daughter "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and all I could think was "don't come in here wanting me to sing that shit." 95% of all babies song trash as fuck. TTLS' is definitely in that 95%.

I honestly think all the baby talk, baby songs, and other "I'm around a baby so I have to do this certain thing" has to GO! For 1. talking to a baby in "baby talk" hinders their speech. Ever notice how you have no clue what the fuck a toddler is trying to say? It's probably because people around them baby talked them all through infancy. 2. doing everything "babyish" such as talking, singing, and whatever the fuck else, that hinders their developmental growth or sense of reality. They become hella "green". Yeah children should stay in a child's place but at the same time they're oblivious to the way the world actually functions because society puts them in a box. I'm not saying go out there and expose the little ones to ALL the fuckery, but at least let em get a little taste. Trust me. Don't be scared. As long as you explain and show them why things are certain ways then they'll be fine. Or at least aware. Aware enough to know right from wrong and make their OWN decisions. If you ask me that's one of the reasons society boxes the little ones in, decision making, they want to control it. That's a conversation for another day though. But don't get me wrong, I do understand that children should be shielded to a certain extent. But that's just that, to a certain extent.

Crazy how hearing that one song sparked up all this in my head. Its true though, FUCK TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR! My little one will be cultured.

-BS

[utterlyhzy]

When you grow up as a girl, the world tells you the things that you are supposed to be: emotional, loving, beautiful, wanted. And then when you are those things, the world tells you they are inferior: illogical, weak, vain, empty.

Stevie Nicks (via virginidad)

One of the many things society projects onto you that you have to unlearn. 

What Future say? “You do what when you popping”

Its okay to not be emotional all the time, sometimes the cold shoulder is needed. Fuck being loving, not everybody is deserving. Beauty is a construct. You can go get what you want instead of waiting around to be wanted. 

-BS

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Cover up for what?

I hate when anyone tells a young woman, or just women in general to "cover up". But especially young women.

She could be chilling in the comfort of her own home and here goes an elder... "put some pants on there's a man in the house." -_- I wonder if they know how problematic they sound. Like, is the real issue what she is wearing or is it really this man in your home that you're skeptical he might be aroused by an adolescent? Some people may argue both. Some leave the blame all on her. "She shouldn't be wearing that." Mind you, she's not out in public, 9 times out of 10 she's in her room. Not bothering a soul. Not trying to flaunt anything. Now if she was up flaunting her goods around trying to get a rise out of these mean then there would be a problem. Even still, the problem isn't what she's wearing. And if she does get a rise out of these men, then they are also apart of the problem.

I do agree that there are some things younger women shouldn't wear and should leave to adults. But if we're just talking shorts and a tank top I think people should give it a rest. They make it seem like there's a certain age you have to be in order to wear that. Even if she is more developed in certain places than most kids for her age, it's not her fault. She's still a child and shouldn't be sexualized for her features. Because let's be real, that's exactly what it is, sexualization of a child. What other reason would you be telling her to cover up? Can't think of one huh? Not one that makes sense at least.

It's time these men get held accountable. If you feel uncomfortable with a man being around your daughter or niece, etc because you think he might get a kick out of what she has on then, then you need to not only exile him from your home but your life as well. LET THAT NIGGA KNOW YOU DON'T TRUST HIM! HE'S NO LONGER WELCOME! Fuck sparing his feelings. Telling her to change her clothes and scoping him out or waiting around to see what happens is enabling him. You are now an enabler of sexual abuse. NIP THAT SHIT IN A BUD! FIRST SIGN OF SOME BULLSHIT LIKE THAT KICK HIS ASS TO THE DOOR!

I'm just so tired of that way of thinking. It can make these young women grow up to be insecure, confused about the act of pedophilia or sexual abuse, or even an enabler herself. Some grow up and teach the young women in there's this same tactic, knowingly or unknowingly. The cycle needs to be broken. It's sickening and it needs to stop.

I could go on about people telling women of age to cover up but I'll save that post for another time. Because ima go in all over again.

-BS

[utterlyhzy]

Untitled

Lately I've been feeling realll lost in the sauce. My pregnancy is coming to an end and I'm nowhere near where I was in life before I got pregnant and definitely nowhere near where I would want to be in life now. I'm constantly asking myself "what's next?".

For majority of the pregnancy I've been living in the now, accepting my circumstances and just letting things be. I've been taking advantage of my peace, resting more, worrying less about my financial and living situations. "Enjoying" my free time as much as I can.

There are times where I get down and reminisce about how life used to be, or just my overall status in life. I was on the ups. My own place, my own car, I was on the road to making more money than I had in a long time. Then corona happened and shook my world. I lost my job. My lease was already coming to an end, and with no income that meant I wouldn't be able to get another spot. So I sucked up my pride and moved back in with my mom. Ultimately it was a good deal because she knows my situation so she's very understanding. The alpha in me just can't fully accept this generous gesture. I miss being independent. So although I've been going with the flow and accepting my circumstances, in the back of my head I've been trying to think of a master plan.

So far each plan hasn't been successful. I haven't given up though so I'm not too down about that. But now the harder I think the more lost I get. I think my mind is battling with it's self, going back and forth between being optimistic and the fear of starting back at square one, with a baby.

This is just a hurdle in my life, nothing that I can't overcome. But FUCK! I need a sign. A boost. A pick me up. A step. Just one step could get me on the right tracks for me to make the plays that I need to. Then me AND my baby will be set. That's all I want. Bae will be set regardless. Even if I'm not able to get her all the bells and whistles I will be more than equipped with the fundamentals. She'll be happy, intelligent, informed, etc. That's really all that matters. But on the same hand I know for a fact it will bother me if I'm unable to take her places or get her some of the things she wants. I have a good poker face but children aren't stupid, they know when somethings up. They can sense it. I don't want her to catch that vibe from me in any way.

So. What's next? I don't know but whatever it is will come in due time. The ultimate goal is to make sure bae is straight and she always will be so I'm not going to sweat the way that I feel about me right now. This feeling is just temporary it's not forever.

^^^

I love that about me. My past experiences have molded me to always see the upside and to never sulk in my downfalls. I'm a human so I'm going to get down sometimes, but it's also in my nature to bring myself back up. That's the only way I can be the change that I want to see.

-BS

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EVICTION NOTICE OFFICIALLY POSTED!!

My dear Zayla,

I've grown to love you very much even though we haven't met yet. We've been one for some time now so that's understandable. But my child, mama wants to feel like mama again.

I get upset with myself sometimes because it feels like I'm blaming you for feeling like a foreigner in my own body. But fact is, that is what's happening.

When they say pregnancy changes your hormones they were NOT playing! It's not all about being more or less emotional, or being extra happy, or any of these other things people put on the forefront of pregnancy. It's honestly different for everyone. But for me I feel like the things that made me, ME, are all rewired to another place. But at the same time in the back of my mind I'm still, me... It's a weird feeling. Like I'm stuck in a mirror watching myself do/say/react to things that I normally wouldn't. The only good thing about it is that I'm aware of this change. Most people on this journey can't tell that they've changed. I can. It's a blessing and a curse. On one hand I like that I'm able to tell that I'm not acting like my normal self. On the other hand it makes me sad. I want to feel like me again.

The people around me don't get it. Of course they noticed the change and they don't like it either. But instead of being understanding and just letting me be, they feel some type of way about it. I can tell it in their responses/reactions. I don't knock them for feeling the way they feel but I'm also not in the business of reassuring or appeasing them. I've told them from the beginning that it's not them it's me, I've actually told them this more than once. So at this point I just let them feel whatever and go about my day. That might sound cruel to some people but I'm not here to make other people feel good. I'm here to be me.

Truth is, a lot of people are insecure. They have yet to learn self comfort and to not give a fuck what anyone thinks of them. They have yet to learn that most of time someone's response doesn't have anything to with them but is more so about what that person stands for. They have yet to learn to put themselves first.

They have yet to learn to put themselves first.

Your life is your life. My life is mine. We just so happen to be on this earth together so therefore we must interact. It's human nature. But at the end of the day, there's YOU and there's them. YOU can't control them, YOU can only control YOU.

With that being said, let people do them and you do you. If you don't like that, keep it trucking and charge it to the game. Cause I promise you they will.

Also, pregnancy isn't all peaches and cream like people make it seem. Shit is hard work. Truly not for the weak.

I can't wait until my Zayla comes so I can get back to being me.

-BS

#eviction notice you pregnant hormones

[utterlyhzy]

I will never understand

I never understood why some parents don’t like to give their kids rides to places, and make them ask someone else. And usually said parents only allow them to ask certain people and if they ask anyone outside of that it’s a problem.

What’s the issue?

To me it just screams laziness.

The kid isn’t in trouble, the parent has a car. Why the hell cant they drop them off at a birthday party, or skating rink, or even just at a friends house? What is the hassle that is making them deprive their kids of fun? Because they don’t feel like it? Weak excuse.

They knew when having said kid that one day they’ll want to do things. Why make a kid find their own ride when they have a perfectly able parent that could just take them.

It really bothers me. Because the kid ends up calling someone else and unknowingly guilt tripping them into taking them somewhere since their lazy ass parents won’t.

I could go so much harder on this topic but I digress.

-BS

#parents lazy

[utterlyhzy]

Always

I’m speaking my truth, my beliefs, the world as I see it and experience it. I. Me.

-BS

#truth belief world me

[utterlyhzy]

Story of my life

For the past couple of months the story of my life has been respect, entitlement, boundaries, projection, any word that involves overstepping.

A lot of people don't know but, I'm pregnant. 6 months to be exact. Most women describe it as "a beautiful experience". To me, it's a PRIVATE beautiful experience. A journey to parenthood between me, the father, and our new coming baby.

If you ask me society has brainwashed people into thinking that pregnant women are supposed to be viewed and act a certain way. (They've brainwashed people into thinking a certain way about a lot of things but I'll save that conversation for another day.) Lets get into some examples of this "brainwashing" I'm talking about... Example 1.) The ultimate "let me see your belly" -_- Everyone feels soooo entitled to see your growing belly because its a apart of the process. News flash folks, it is apart of the process, a process that I'M partaking in with MY body. Not yours. 2.) Touching such belly. The constantly growing bump on the front side of your body is so intriguing to people that they just want to TOUCH IT! It's mysterious I get it, I do, but it's still my body. If I wasn't pregnant you wouldn't be able to touch it, so this new edition doesn't make it an exception. 3.) The constant judgement of your personality/attitude. Everyone knows pregnancy mixes up your hormones. So once people know that you're pregnant they feel the need to start calling out every little disagreement or compromise you have. You disagree one too many times? "Oop! She's an angry pregnant lady." You appear to be easy going? "Oouuu, she's a happy pregnant lady." We'd love if you just let us be ;) 4.) Everything is now labeled "pregnant tings". You want to take a nap? "Oh that baby got her tired." You have snacks? "Oh those them pregnancy snacks." You're sad? "Oh that's them pregnancy emotions." Really nigga? You never been sad, hungry, or wanted to take a nap? Give it a rest.

There are so many more examples but these are the ones I encounter on a day to day basis.

Me being hip to societies brainwashing ways, I get it. But that doesn't mean I have to appease anyone. If I say "no you can not touch my belly" or "no I will not show you my belly" or just no period, just respect it. I'm not being mean, or selfish, those are just my wishes. Respect it. Understand it. Charge it to the game. That's the end of it.

What I'm trying to get to here is the projections people try to put onto you. They either acted or did certain things when they were pregnant, know women that did, or read it somewhere and expect you to do the same. Once you don't you get labeled all types of things. You know what though? It's cool. People can label you all types of things but as long as you know who you are it doesn't matter. Keep doing you, and unlearn all of societies brainwashing ways.

-BS

#story of my life pregnant respect boundaries attitude feelings projection brainwashed labels

[utterlyhzy]

Why come back?

I got back on Tumblr because there's some I need to get off my chest and writing it down or talking it out just doesn't do the job sometimes. Also, I feel like some things I have to say a lot of people need to hear. I've been told I have a different way of thinking, and I guess I agree. I don't think like most because I've unlearned a lot of things I've been taught and started thinking for myself. I believe everyone should do the same. Everybody is wired different so it's okay if everyone thinks and acts different.

I'm not here to tell people how to think. I'm just here to share MY thoughts and MY views. Enjoy.

Or not ;)

-BS

#imback #thoughts #MY

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About time

I've been thinking about doing this for sometime now. So, here I am...

-BS

#here #about time #just wait

[utterlyhzy]

Some Da Eat

facebook.com/SomeDaEat

Norfolk, VA

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