valeriacastaneda

[valeriacastaneda]

December 9, 2023

Life has been crazy. I feel sad for anyone who harbors hate towards me. Such a waste of energy. Anyways, I’m gonna start going live since that’s a thing here now. Seems fun.

[valeriacastaneda]

You’ve always been a liar, manipulator, and super fake. Why would this one time be any different? Hell you used to write fake anon asks just to spin a narrative that you were getting harassed and spread rumors about others. Be better, stop doing drugs.

I was clean for 5 years. I won't let you or anyone else take that away from me and define me by my past. I know who I really am. I'm sorry that's your perception of me. I admit that I've been all of those things. I've also been the opposite of that. I will do better. I will always try to.

I've been honest and I've changed. If I've lied it was because it was what I thought I needed for self-preservation. It doesn't make it right but I hold compassion for myself in those times otherwise the shame would eat me alive.

Even this relapse was different for me. I didn't revert to who I was before, I could still feel who I really am inside my soul.

I appreciate your challenge for me. Now, my challenge for you is to have more compassion for those struggling with the experience of addiction. We aren't bad people at our core, we do bad things from a place of pain. That's not to excuse our actions but I always try to view things from a place of empathy.

For example, my brother attacked me and although I can have compassion and forgiveness for him, I also know he needs to be held accountable for what he's done. Two things like that can be embodied at once. I know he's struggling because mentally healthy people would not attack someone unprovoked so I have empathy. I also know I'm not deserving of abuse and he needs to be held accountable somehow. I owe that respect to myself.

Be better.

[valeriacastaneda]

This is one of my most favorite articles that I've written. It got taken down by the website it was published on. But here it is, published by me.

Falling In Love With A Coke Dealer

By Valeria Castaneda

I was visiting my friend Zach one day. The house was empty, whoever had been living there had moved out and Zach was squatting in one of the bedrooms while he repaired some things around the house. I was walking through the house when the door suddenly swung open and a mail courier walked through the door and dumped ten pounds of marijuana on the floor. I stood there, surprised at the absurdity of what I was witnessing. I had never seen this man before and he walked into the house confident in what he was doing. The moment where we initially looked at each other is seared into my mind. He looked at me strangely and I’m sure I looked back with a quizzical look. This man turned out to be Zach’s younger brother, Ben. We introduced ourselves and I thought nothing more of the interaction.

Eventually, my friend invited me to go to his brother's house so I tagged along. I felt a bit anxious as I normally do whenever meeting new people and going to new places. I had no idea what I was about to walk into. Zach had talked about his brother a few times but I was never too interested in knowing more. Prior to meeting Ben, my friend mentioned that he had gone to prison for selling drugs and that he was falling back into that lifestyle. I either said something to try to empathize with my friend or I called his brother a dumbass, I can’t remember which it was.

I followed Zach as he led me into the backyard and into the garage of Ben’s house. My hands were sweating and I was unsure of myself but none of this was new. I’m constantly aware of the anxiety that follows me. I really didn’t expect to see what I saw when I walked into that house. There were two men in the garage and I introduced myself to them. Ben led us to his room upstairs to show us something that immediately reminded me of danger I had faced in the past. The bed was covered in guns. I was pretty comfortable around guns but it quickly became clear that these were the kind of guns that weren’t traceable. Or even remotely legal. All I saw were felony charges spread out in front of me. I could feel the danger just by being in that room but this situation wasn’t completely bizarre to me.

I never could figure out why but when Ben spoke, I wanted to listen. He could captivate me with the way he could command the attention of the room. He was exceptionally funny and was the only person I had met in a long time that caught my taunting giggles and sly smack talking. I immediately felt fond of him and wanted to be his friend but I didn’t want to be a weirdo. I also made note that he was living with another woman when I had visited and I respected that. I tried to get to know her, I even bought one of her paintings but she remained standoffish.

We quickly started to date each other. He made me feel excited and energetic, or maybe that was the cocaine. One day, I asked Ben to sell me some weed he had in a giant glass jar and we exchanged phone numbers so I could Zelle him some cash. He gave me a generous amount of weed without weighing it. When I got home we started texting each other. I don’t know what insanity possessed me to go anywhere with this strange man but the next day we went camping and ate shrooms. I had never been camping before but I was open-minded. I was initially wary of this man but part of me trusted him because Zach had never said anything negative about his character and I knew my friend was an amazing person. Part of me knew I was crazy for even thinking about getting into the same car with a felon I didn’t know but I remained compelled. I had my little Kershaw knife clipped to the side of my pocket because I didn’t trust him. He brought along his huge dog who kept trying to push me off my seat.

The ride to the camping spot felt a bit awkward. I didn’t quite know what to say but I chattered away anyway. I didn’t trust this man's intentions and I had no reason to, I didn’t know him. In my experience with men they tend to be creepy so I was concerned he would try to do something to me. I touched the safely secured knife in my pocket and reminded myself of reality again, I trusted that Zach would never let me meet someone who could hurt me. I rolled a blunt and got it all over myself and Ben’s car but he didn’t seem to mind. If he did, he was very nice about it. He had an easy going attitude but we kept looking at each other strangely. I tried to play it cool and pretend that I couldn’t see him watching me periodically from the corner of my eye. But I stayed aware of how often he would look over at me.

Being with Ben felt like a whirlwind of emotion and excitement. I’d been spoiled all my life but never to this extent. I didn’t expect or ask for anything from him but he was filled with pleasant surprises. Material things are nice but they aren’t everything. What really got me to fall in love with this man was how genuine he felt and the purity of his soul. But who doesn’t want to feel valued and spoiled? Maybe I was falling easily into his trap but at the same time, I didn’t care. In my heart, I believed he wouldn’t let anything happen to me. One week he ordered me a beautiful bouquet of roses from Ecuador, another week it was geometrical canvases painted by a talented artist, and one day he took me to pick up my puppy. He paid for my standard

poodle in cash and I brought him home. I contemplated that maybe my parents had fucked up raising me because all these grand gestures really caught my attention.

This man was covered in more red flags than I could count but as the meme goes, it looked like a carnival to me. He still lived with his ex-girlfriend and her kids, he was a felon, he had just lost his job at the courier service because of his alcoholism, he was a cocaine dealer with tons of different drugs that were easily accessible and he handled illegal firearms. Logically, this was far from the ideal situation I had imagined for myself but he was persistently charming, he listened to my leftist theory and he never tried to change my beliefs albeit he would help me look at them from a different point of view.

He might’ve been covered in red flags but he was always soft and kind when he spoke to me. We didn’t argue over what was right or wrong, we respected each other’s views on life even if we were compelled to challenge those perspectives. This relationship taught me many things. It expanded my worldview. I started to respect differences I didn’t think I could validate before. I knew I could be a bit extreme with the theories I agreed with and this relationship helped me notice where I didn’t agree with my own theory thus balancing out what was rational and what was too idealistic.

The availability of cocaine seemed endless. This is how I ended up using cocaine for three months straight until I finally stopped. Having been addicted to heroin and meth before, I drastically underestimated what cocaine could do to me. I didn’t consider it as “hard” of a drug as the ones I’d been addicted to but I quickly learned I was wrong. I couldn’t figure out how to get away from doing coke without getting away from him. I had grown to love Ben but I knew being near him was damaging my health so I checked into a treatment center to get a grip on myself and my sobriety. I swore to myself I wouldn’t make the same mistakes again. I would give up coke like I gave up heroin and meth because the damage it had done was severe. I lost 30 pounds within three months. The drugs combined with my eating disorder made it apparent that I wasn’t okay.

The fire inside me could never be quelled. I knew I deserved to be sober and I would do anything to achieve the mental wellness I had worked so hard to acquire. Ben stayed supportive of me entering treatment and quitting cocaine. Our relationship had suddenly started to get rocky as I became more unstable. It seemed like our happy days were behind us and our arguing seemed incessant. I knew I needed to do something drastic, so I did. Quitting cocaine seemed difficult at first but it got easier after a couple days. I knew I had to say goodbye to cocaine and I could never use it again. At first this realization bummed me out but what did I get out of it anyways? I knew this would only lead me to worse things and eventually, it did. My resolve never changed and I held onto the idea that “my high is my sobriety” as 347aidan’s song “MEMORIES!” goes.

Today I find myself sober again. I won’t let what I’ve gone through those months be in vain. I learned some very important lessons through relapsing on cocaine and other drugs, I realized how much I love being in a sober state of mind. Mind you, I don’t subscribe to the “abstinence only” approach either. I think we need to adopt a harm reduction mindset to really be of service to people in need. The abstinence only approach leaves a lot of people on the wayside and it proves to not be as effective as maintenance therapy. We shouldn’t exclude someone from getting help because of how they chose to cope with their lives and circumstances. For myself, being “sober” looks like using marijuana and psychedelics in a balanced way and taking my prescribed medication. Early in my sobriety I found a lot of success while being prescribed Suboxone. So fuck what your local Alcoholic’s Anonymous group says but read The Big Book anyways. Take what applies to you and leave the rest.

I fell in love with a coke dealer and I really don’t regret any of it. He gave me the confidence to pursue my dreams and he believed in me. He would give me books on neuroscience or books about god because he knew I was having a difficult time finding my own spirituality. He never tried to convince me of anything, he just held my hand while I searched for my own answers. For obvious reasons it didn’t work out in the end but I’ll always deeply love Ben. I’m glad to be away from him and those bricks of cocaine. I’m never going back to that. I just want to be healthy again and I'll do anything to preserve that. I’m glad I could be brave enough to tackle my new addiction even if it meant letting him go.

#valeria castaneda #bay area writer #falling in love with a coke dealer

[valeriacastaneda]

7:15 am

Wtf is my luck lately?

My parents got fed a lie by Javier to make them believe him over me and it's complete bullshit.

Oh yeah, the camera just so happened to be "turned off" or whatever. They sold off my car too. Literally my only valuable possession and pocketed the money. I can't wait to wipe my hands of them. All of them. Fucking pricks.

Apparently I can be hurt in every which way because I'm an addict and that's justified. Javier can go fuck himself, I want to sue him.

He pushed me into the metal bannister and my body literally hurts.

[valeriacastaneda]

12:37 pm

Do addicts ever get better or do the drugs we abuse just turn into drugs we're allowed to abuse as long as we follow the directions on the bottle?

[valeriacastaneda]

6:38 am

I can already tell this lady is gonna be a problem.

[valeriacastaneda]

I get the vibe you’re not doing well and I’m sorry that you’re hurting 💗

Yeah... That's life

[valeriacastaneda]

5:55 pm

Maybe there is a God. The universe doesn't stop showing me love. Someone is watching out for me.

[valeriacastaneda]

4:04 pm

Trying to move forward after being raped is hard.

[valeriacastaneda]

5:18 pm

Write another article.

Incorporate light running into my life.

Follow up with interviews and leads.

[valeriacastaneda]

1:41 pm

I still feel alone.

[valeriacastaneda]

6:12 pm

I feel so alone.

[valeriacastaneda]

1:23 pm

Jealousy is a disease. Bad mouthing me to my best friend is shady. Especially when you're fake as fuck trying to act like you care about me and you're my friend. I don't need that shit in my life. You knew me as a fucked up teenager, you don't know who I've become. Everyone loves me now and there's a reason for that. I recovered, I changed my life so fuck you for holding my past against me. You haven't changed though, you're still the same immature little girl. I'm praying for you.

A wise woman said to me:

Jealousy is not only a disease, it’s a Sin and when expressed it is SO U.G.L.Y. bc it is NOT(although many use the term in this manner)… hey I’m so happy for you, mannn I wish I had what you have, I wish my life was better, how do I get what you have? Show me the way!

It is rather a very Sad disease bc mass majority of the time it has nothing to do with the other person at all… it stems from a place within of very low self image, self-esteem, unrealistic expectations (which are what? I know you know the answer!😉 “Premeditated Resentments!”) and this My Lovely, #THIS can only be corrected/changed within someone by Two… The Jealous One! With the help of !

So YES… you do Not for one moment even allow this type of toxic behavior (that has nothing to do with you at all) take up ANY of that beautiful, gorgeous, thriving and I would say surviving(so I could Rhyme but you are far far from that space you are) LIVING, living the life you were meant to live! You keep doing you and keep paving the way for these women coming behind you who are going to look at you, look in your eyes and will once again have Hope and bc if you they will say to themselves… Okayyyy, I can do this I too can have a better life look at her she did it! And you May have already experienced this but if you haven’t yet experienced this yet… Val it is and will be the most rewarding gift knowing that you simplify Putting 1 foot in front of the other One day at a time were able to give another Human Hope & Will! I’m actually in tears typing this… recalling the very moment another woman gave me this (when I fosho thought I would not make it I couldn’t I just knew I could try but I would fail until she sat across from me and I saw it and I knew I was gon make it) & then the day the day a women say across from me and I saw it, I witnessed her receiving what I was given and prayed to be able to give… I will nvr forget the sparkle in her eyes the moment she got a glimpse of hope back!

Sorry For babbling but once in a while something just comes on my heart real strong and I have to Share it or I will eat at me Thinking I was supposed to!

I Love You You are an inspiration to me and SO MANY My heart smiles every time I see a post from you!!! Dont let anyone take that shine from you!

#n #d #haters

[valeriacastaneda]

My friend Satinder and I at Branham Lounge on Valentine's Day. Jasmine and I met up and had a drink with our friend from high school.

#me

[valeriacastaneda]

Wash face

Wash dog

Do skincare regimen

Clean room

Write

Paint

Meditate

Do yoga

Do makeup

Read books

Exfoliate body

Moisturize

Shave legs

Walk dog

Take care of bonsai tree

Rigorous honesty

Connecting to my spiritual self

Spending time with loved ones

Going to the salon

Shopping

[valeriacastaneda]

1:58 pm

Feelings of depression, inadequacy and treatment fatigue correlates with not making progress in recovery.

To break the feeling of being stuck you must continue to participate in treatment even when you don’t want to.

Self-care is necessary. Taking breaks and meditating will help prevent the feeling of burnout.

I don’t think I’ve been meeting enough exchanges to continue gaining weight.

[valeriacastaneda]

1:48 pm

High and low from the weekend

High this weekend was going to Jasmine’s bbq and going out to the bar with her.

I want to focus on writing this week.

Be meal compliant

Be positive

I don’t know what I’m currently struggling with. Maybe a bit of anxiety but I’m fine.