whsprings

[whsprings]

having an ed and then using behaviors and having to tell on yourself is so embarassing and humiliating especially when last resort methods are employed. I wish I wasn't so desensitized to treatment and had a bit more fear...

#cw// ed #res adventures

[whsprings]

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#cw// ed #almost (but didnt) purge just now and i feel 🙃🫠😭 #if i was at home i 1000% would have done it #but unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) I am not #also dietitian gave me the strangest goals for the weekend?? #she instructed me to only do 50% of two snacks per day to 'challenge perfectionism' #but all i heard was permission to restrict #idk idk idk idk!!

[whsprings]

I’m going to unlearn shame *bursts into tears and beats my head against a brick wall*

[whsprings]

we have queer process here and I kind of want to bring up being asexual in that context... but I'm also scared. even though I've identified as ace for years I still haven't accepted it, if that makes sense. being 25 and having never done anything at all whatsoever is just plain embarassing and I worry that people will think I am judgy or repressed or lame or or or

idk. being ace feels like just one more part of me that is broken and wrong and bad and unconventional at best and incel-adjacent at worst. even queer spaces don't know about the ace experience and I just wish I didn't have to explain myself so much, or be told that my aceness is a product of mental illness, or that I am making things too complicated, or looking for attention, or trying to be special. it doesn't help that I have to define asexuality in the negative, in what i lack. people ask what sexual attraction is (or how to differentiate between platonic and romantic attraction) and it's like trying to explain the flavor of a dish you've never tasted.

#asexuality

[whsprings]

[whsprings]

the phrase ‘this is my first time being alive’ has done wonders for me recently. Yeah, I don’t know how to navigate this situation! It’s brand new to me and I’m learning on the fly, aren’t humans such wonderfully adaptive creatures?

[whsprings]

almost cried at dinner because I got overwhelmed by my portion of a giant-ass stuffed pepper. today was already a flop food-wise and this just made things worse. I thought I was starting to make progress after a relatively good start to the week on Monday but now it feels like I am getting nowhere/regressing. also my therapist spent most of session telling me to try thought diffusion for purge urges (acknowledge and dismiss the urge as unhelpful) and God that sounds like it would be easy in theory but not in practice. or maybe thats just the hopelessness speaking.

#cw// ed #res adventures

[whsprings]

This a a reminder to not fall victim to the sunk-cost fallacy. Just because you invested time and energy into something, does not mean you should indefinitely waste more time and energy on it, if you decide it’s not what you want anymore. This goes for anything, from books, to relationships, to jobs, to hobbies, etc.

If it’s not serving you anymore, move on.

[whsprings]

I feel like I should make a post about this because it’s not something that’s very well-known, and that Americans in particular may need to know about given the uncertain state of our healthcare system at the moment. I’ve wanted to write this out for a while, It’s kind of a long post, so sorry about that!

If you have an emergency and have to go to the hospital, you’ll owe the hospital a lot of money. (I got into a car wreck and broke my ankle and my arm. My hospital bill was around $20,000)

You’ll also owe the ambulance provider, if you need one. (My ambulance bill was about $800)

You may get separate bills from the anesthesiologist or surgeon. (My anesthesiologist bill was $1,700)

You may need follow-up appointments. (My orthopedic surgeon billed me for the appointments and his surgery together and it was about $1,000)

You’ve also got to pay for medical equipment you need afterward, like crutches or a walking boot. (Mine cost about $75)

Altogether, I ended up with almost $24,000 in medical debt from one car accident. That’s a really scary number for someone like me who makes $10/hr at a 12 hour a week job.

I got my debt down to $1075 by making some phone calls and submitting some paperwork.

The first thing I did was contact the hospital. They don’t make it easy to find, but many hospitals (perhaps most hospitals?) have financial assistance programs for people who can’t afford medical bills. I don’t make a lot of money, and I have bills to pay, so they were able to help me. I called the billing department and asked if they had any assistance programs for low income people who can’t pay their bills. I had to call multiple times, and I got transferred in circles by people who didn’t know what I was talking about. Finally, I got an appointment with someone in “Eligibility Services” (I don’t know what other hospitals call it, if it’s something different). I had to bring my pay stubs and copies of all of my bills. When I got to the hospital for the appointment, nobody knew what I was talking about so I had to wander a little to find where I needed to go. I spoke with the guy in Eligibility Services, and I waited for a decision on how much of the bill they would forgive. A month later, I got a call telling me it was totally forgiven.

I did the same thing for my ambulance bill and my anesthesiologist, but the process was a LOT easier. I just had to mail some paperwork and it was totally forgiven.

I didn’t bother with the medical equipment suppliers, since the bills came from separate companies and I didn’t feel like going through the process twice for $75. I was assured at the hospital that they had similar programs for debt forgiveness, so I could have probably avoided paying that too.

The only thing I couldn’t get taken care of was the surgeon/follow-up appointment cost, but they were able to put me on a no-interest payment plan.

Medical debt is scary because it’s something that can come from stuff that’s already really scary. I didn’t need the burden of $24,000 in debt on top of trying to get around on a crutch with a broken arm (it’s not easy, believe me!).. but I can’t imagine what it would be like with a bigger debt or a more severe medical emergency. I see lots of people in even worse trouble than I was in, both financially and medically. Please know that there are options for you when that GoFundMe doesn’t do enough. Even if your income is higher than mine, it’s worth a shot even for partial debt forgiveness.

[whsprings]

there are I think 8/25 of us in the current mileu who are BIPOC and I have never been in such a racially/ethnically diverse treatment situation at all ever. I am told it is a rare thing but I am also grateful to have ppl who Know and relate to similar issues. we have BIPOC process once a week and I always look forward to it. today I brought up the issue of traditional/ethnic foods being severely neglected in the recovery world. like, the number of times I have asked a dietitian about exchanges for a Mexican dish and have them respond with "try your best to figure it out" or "I'll have to get back to you" is ridiculous. and the foods served in treatment centers are often very white/eurocentric. the food my mom cooks or even what I cook doesn't always look like what I am taught to fit my meal plan. that's a problem not even just for me but for anyone who has multicultural roots. dietitians should be able to tell me basic information about my meal plan. bffr. I also wish that overall treatment centers would allow for more room for intersecting identities and marginalized communities and stop centering thin, cishet, white 18-22 year olds. goddamn.

#res adventures

[whsprings]

If you’re able to ask the question “what if I have body dysmorphia?” in response to my claim that no one needs to or should call themselves fat in pejorative way when they are not in fact fat, then you’re already acknowledging that you don’t belong to the class of people who are fat and who experience all the attendant abuses and discrimination. You know, at least in this moment, that what you have is a mental disorder, not a fat body. So I’m gonna go out on a limb and suggest that you practice saying “my body dysmorphia is really bad right now” instead of “I’m so fat.” You’ve already proven you can do it—the question is whether you care enough about other people to stop saying that their bodies are your living nightmare

[whsprings]

got my first meal plan increase since being here and I am 🫠🫠🫠

#res adventures

[whsprings]

Nice consequences, did your actions pick them out for you ?

[whsprings]

[whsprings]

You can get through this. I believe in you.

[whsprings]

Have you ever done cbt-e? I found it incredibly helpful! Difficult, but helpful!

I haven't, I haven't been anywhere or seen anyone that offers it

#answered

[whsprings]

if we ignore all the stuff that's gone wrong ive kind of had nothing but wins