wondre

[wondre]

End Of A Chapter.

It’s hasn’t happened just yet… but I plan to end a 4 year relationship in two days.. I’m not happy about it.. I’m actually pretty sad.. not for it ending but the fact that he’s a nice guy and doesn’t deserve it..

As I think back on everything I realised I should have kept more or a journal or update.. so I can look back and see the good times.. I suppose I was happy and didn’t need to vent my feelings.. so maybe this is a depressing blog.. just to write my sit thoughts out, get them down somewhere. I know there were good times and I’m going to miss them.. but I think of all the stuff that irritates me or makes me angry and it over powers that joy.. and I think to myself, am I doing the right thing.. I have to think about my future and I can’t keep lying to myself and pushing through the things I find uncomfortable or it’s going to eat me up inside.

So hopefully when I deliver the words on Saturday it will be a mutual agreement and he’ll be ok. I will just have to live with myself and know that I will probably be alone forever.. I don’t think I’ll ever find someone to match my energy.. and this whole boyfriend saga has really made me not want to find anyone. I have a huge personality with so many parts that I don’t think anyone can match it.. it’s sad to think I’ll be alone forever.. but it’s the reality.. and truth.. if I want someone I have to sacrifice and fake my way through things.. and I don’t want that.

[wondre]

A place to vent.

I haven’t need to vent or write what’s been happening in my life.. I’ve been through ups and downs.. but something so recent has made me need to write my thoughts somewhere.

It’s over the most stupidest thing.. but it’s making me so upset.. it’s all over a pair of shoes. They are down right UGLY. Like the most shittest thing ever created and the one person I love decided to buy them. ‘as a funny joke’ it wasn’t even a funny joke to begin with. Humour is not there strong point in life. They want to believe they are funny.. but they’re not and buying the shittest shoe on the market didn’t make me laugh, in fact it made me angry. Now they’re proceeding to wear said show OUT IN PUBLIC. Better yet they decided to wear it to an event that I hold important in my life… with many friends that attend and yes.. it’s just a shoe.. I get it.. but to me, doing somthing like that just shows that you don’t care how I feel.. I expressed to them that I would prefer them not to wear them.. and had alternate options.. but they decide to anyways and it really hurt. Now I have a whole different look upon them and really questioning if I want to continue our life together… yes.. OVER A FUCKING SHOE! I hate that my brain works like that.. but it’s the way it is.. major ick. Now I’m worried that they’ll continue to wear it to things… they’ve done it once.. why not again.. and it’ll just keep making me angry and embarrassed and I don’t know what to do.. because if I express how it’s making me feel they’ll just say I’m complaining over nothing, it doesn’t matter, each to their own.. blah blah blah.. all that stuff you say when you bicker.. but it’s not about that.. they’re not listening to me about how much it affects me. Yes.. a shoe is doing this to me. I can’t get over it.

I thought writing it down would help me feel better.. but it’s stressing me out more thinking about it.

[wondre]

Another Vent and How My Life is Going.

I didn’t even read my last post.. that’s ok, I only came on here to unpdate myself on what’s been happening recently. Not sure if I mentioned I started a band! Things were going well before Covid hit… then we kind of lost it. I had big plans for us, put our name forward for big events.. but nothing happened.. it’s either the event doesn’t want to support the new and young (which they should coz your all gonna die with the music) or they just forgot about us.. either way I might be done with it all… doesn’t help that the boys in the band don’t seem as interested.. coz if they were they’d answer a simple question via the internet.. anyways, needed to vent that anger.

Another thing is I bought a house! And it’s going great… oh and I finally found a man, so two great things… it’s just hard now coz I’m on a budget.. and my house is old and falling apart.. I feel my money is all going toward that now.. I will never travel again.. but at least I’ll have somewhere to live right? I don’t know if I’m 100% happy about that.. we’ll just have to see what the future holds.. that’s about it right now, need to write more for myself.. maybe a weekly update on how the week goes. I like that idea.

[wondre]

Interesting.

Reading back on some of these ‘entries’ a lot of them are venting, my life and for the past couple years there hasn’t really been too much that’s made me really happy.. lots of confusing thoughts, sad times... maybe I should start writing the good times in aswell.. sometimes I do.. but I forget.. I seem to post on here when I sad and I need to get it out of my head. It helps me mentally though so I’m not going to stop.. I’m just going to try and write more positive things here as well. I’ll start by making a Rockit Combo goals list.

- Greasfest

- Ballarat

- Kustom Kulture

- Gem Bar

- Record new music

Some big goals there.. we’ll see where we’re at in one year aha.

[wondre]

Christmas 2019

All I want for Christmas is it to be over... actually all I really want is to be in my house.. or really my own space.. I can’t handle sharing this house with these people who are family, although conected by blood we are totally different. I really can’t handle being here for too much longer, I need all this house stuff to settle.. I want to start living my life.. meeting a man maybe? Having party’s at my own house, inviting people over, dog sitting.. and I can say ‘yeah sure, come on over’ coz it’ll be me house. Seriously need to be in it before February.. I don’t know how much more I can take.

I just want the days to go fast right at this point until I’m in my own house..... please hurry up.

[wondre]

Door Sales

I feel super bad right now.. like these two guys came to my door and tried asking me to donate and get put into a raffle........ yes it was for a good cause... but don’t fucking make me feel bad for not giving you anything... I don’t like getting pressured into giving money... I will give money when I feel like it.. and coming up asking me straight out for isn’t the way... and especially questioning me why i don’t want too after I say no.

The cause was for funding an organisation that gives help to military people who basically help them through their rough times or gives to families of the military people who have committed suicide. Now your probably thinking, yeah.. why didn’t you give them money... well stop questioning me.. you know nothing about me and what I’ve been through.. so stop trying to make me feel bad for saying no. Then continually trying to ask for money and making me feel even worse.... just stop it... I might have agreed if, instead of trying to give me info and making me promise to send money just explain it and then give me a brochure and letting me decide in my own time.. yes you can explain your organisation but don’t fucking pressure me into giving you money... I know it’s your job but if there is a clear ‘no I’m ok’ go the fuck away.

[wondre]

Thank you Lee

At a time where I feel so shit and it seems the whole world is against me you come with warning advice and I really appreciate it. 💞

[wondre]

Unhappy, angry and annoyed.... don’t feel like doing anything right now.

[wondre]

Super Depressed.

Holy shit.

[wondre]

Why.

I can’t live like this..... it’s constricting... I desperately need my own space... I’m house sitting soon, so hopefully that will help, closer to my own things.

Here... it’s dirty.. I can only escape to my room.. which is also dirty and I try to clean but I have too many things.. I can’t get rid of. I’m close to getting a house but things hold me back, I fear I won’t be able to get it... what happens then.. I loose what I’ve paid for already... I just really need to get out of here, I’m not happy here and don’t know how to fix it. Money runs everything and I don’t have enough and everyone keeps ‘borrowing’ from me.. I need it too remember, I worked for it.. what do I do.

I’m really struggling... I just want to days to hurry up and go on until I can get peace again...

I hate myself and I don’t know how to fix it because I’m not happy at all... even the band thing is making me angry at the moment.. how do I work with people that are not at all passionate, only in it for the money.. I need just one thing to go right so that I can start to mend myself... please let this house thing work out.. I may be able to get back on track and be happy again.

[wondre]

Exciting things ahead.

A good positive post for once, starting something very new.. a band, only three piece.. singing too! This will be interesting.. let’s see where it goes.. busking first tho....

[wondre]

What was it like?

Just a random thought.. how you must of felt leaving.. something you’ve worked all your life for, everything you own and you knew you’d never come back, how’d you look at the house, the car.. your room.... what was that like? Everything you owned for the last time you saw on that moment and like that gone.. never to see again. In my mind you’ll always remember my room a junk yard, the house semi clean, the backyard not quite up to scratch.. but it doesn’t matter, it’ll be better when I leave and it’s not mine to look after. I wish I could have been cleaner like you but I just can’t be that perfect, I hope however you left and remembered it that it was perfect in your eyes, this is who I am.

[wondre]

Betrayed.

Such a harsh heading but that’s how it felt. To make plans with one and then to not cancel but make other plans with someone else, then to top it off have another to join them. I know we are different then we used to be.. and you don’t really enjoy what I do... but don’t cancel just to do something else.. it wouldn’t have been as bad if you let me know before just announcing it then taking another away from me.

It really fucking hurt me that night.

[wondre]

What the fuck have I done, seriously... I’m falling for someone I know I shouldn’t.. but I really like them. I just wish you could tell.. this has to be a one way thing right... I feel like I’d know if the other party liked me, I’m pretty good at figuring that kind of stuff out. I’m just so shit at sending off signals.. why can’t I be normal seriously.

[wondre]

Missing home.

Well... technically I’m home... but to me home feels far away, far enough that you need to bored a plane for a while.

One day I’ll return home... jobless, homeless.. everything you can imagine about starting somewhere new.

But I won’t be really, I have friends that feel like family to take me in and care for me until I get on my own two feet, this feels a bit like a motivational letter to myself, to remind myself that you will do it, you’ll go back to work and live there, you have to, it made you so happy, maybe because you were far away from everything you’re used to... not sure, but DO IT!!!

Anyways, I miss it so much... I keep looking at photos and videos, seeing things that remind me of some great times... I hate it here... work is killing me.. just thinking about it makes me feel sick.

Just a quick thought this one.

[wondre]

Rest in Peace Mum. 💞

#iloveyou

[wondre]

How it feels.

My heart. When you spend a night with someone a small piece of your heart belongs to them, for me... it’s like a tiny shred.. like Lisa eating that bit of carrot on the simpsons.

They take a part away with them, without them knowing of corse. So they’re always in the mind, always being thought of.. always being place in fantasies. Not leaving the brain because they have a part of you.. how weird is that? That’s how it feels with me. The only way to rid them of it is by giving the leftovers to someone else.. only then will that piece fade away and be replaced on the rest with a new coat.. a coat that belongs to someone else. My heart will be full again and they will own the whole thing.

That shred can not grow or blossom.. it could reattach, then grow... but for now it stays far away from the rest and they just hold onto it... never knowing.