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The Promise

There's everything here, and

Everything to lose. So I fall

All the faster, and let life choose:

For the cowards who wander

And the fools who easily bruise

Hope blooms early after

Always the light piercing through

Even beyond painful aching

And listless heartbreaking

I'll believe in living truth:

Your heart can mend, you

Can come back from the end,

Everything's waiting for you.

#poetry #everything i write lately sucks a little bit so bear with me i have to get used to being read again

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The Undertaking

I will get through this, just Not yet. Not right now. Not till I've scaled it, climbed it, Named it, fought it. Flung My entire force against it. Opened up that door then closed it. Hoped against hope then lost it. Shored up the river, then crossed it. Constructed the plan, then tossed it. Tell myself this is the day I'll know How to move past this. Failing that, certain that tomorrow I'll try, even faster. This catastrophe is not binding, This disaster, never everlasting. Every loss has its way of finding No shadow is too grand for passing. Life is what has me in its arms and It won't let go. It holds on. I've found my oft-needed talent For getting up, for going on. So up the nearest mountain And past the nearest fold Never here to tarry aimlessly, On I'll go, on I'll go. My hope will burn within me, My light will linger long. My days will lengthen before me, On I'll go, on I'll go.

#poetry #this poem is such a weird beast but somehow this is my favorite of the endings i've written for it

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The Last Apostle

I know how I waited for you: Hopelessly, as one caught in The tide wanders, aimlessly Tracing their steps against force. But you told me: the waiting Is not the point. Do you really think I'd leave you out there, all alone? In every day of every moment, I've loved you. You've been known. I wept then to remember that blissful truth: In nothing for all my days am I without you. Now, for every place I linger, I hope And I survive. I keep your memory Burning within me, pressing the hands Of those who kept me alive. Life is not Only the anguish, it's still the sunrise. Grief is not the final ending, it's running Home in sheer surprise. Break not My heart from giving me another day To try, try. On now, past hours, past Every goodbye, the winds holding Strong, the sun in my searching eyes. I'll walk on, I'll run. I'll hold on, I'll survive. I'll lose and I'll wander. I'll hope and then try. Go then, you whisper, Go, with all you are, Into your loving life.

#poetry #is this aggressively too long? yes. probably. #i'm having to be like an infant again with my writing though so bear with here

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A Blessing Of Love Lost

I have no more tears To weep for you, dear. What was lost was everything It needed to be, set me free To cup my hands round it, gently. Then, set it loose to the stars above. It wasn't mine to forever-hold But a blessing to have known, A truth that will never be wrung out.

There are no more shadows wearing Your face, there is no more bearing The loss of the future inside. There's only time, more time. Now, I am tasked to tread light Throughout the rest of my life, Brought home to myself, I burn bright.

There is no bitterness here to hold onto, Only the goodness of me to make true. What was left was not the loss of you, What you left was life become new.

#poetry #i can't tell you what this is except that january always makes me ponder on years gone by #and the amalgamation of that post about benedicion (a blessing!) and the hands that let it go free of there it goes #and? in its own way the real lasting legacy of maroon #makes up the dna of this. you know how it is

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A Farewell To The Old Year

Goodbye, my dear, and goodnight.

I thank you for the cheer, the bright.

The voice of one I'll never hear again,

The loss of tears better spent.

Goodnight, my friend, goodbye!

I've given all I count as mine,

Borne past what I could bear,

Now I've my own warmth to share.

Through the fire, along the line,

I passed through shadow, I came alive,

Now mercy holds me fast in kind,

Certain I will be here, shedding light.

All my blessings held loose in my hand,

I've sung it all, I'll swing with the band,

And in the end I'll come to understand

That life still has its grip on me.

For all your beauties, and cruelties too,

You've showed me light I never knew,

Called me home at end of dying day

Unbound me from worry's fray.

My friend, out you slip from my door!

I am not what I was anymore,

But what joy gleams from up ahead,

I'll chart my courses towards tomorrow's bend.

#poetry #i know you're all getting tired of me but ONE MORE THING-- #i like to dote on this year even though plenty of it was a test on my patience #but if I don't treat it like a friend how will it know i am its friend?

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Song For The Coldhearted

I tread out slowly in snow-deep Breathed in rhythm as one asleep It was my own self come back to me, And I, the one here waiting.

What lengths shall you shore this time? What hard-won lesson is yours to find? I've lived enough with this immutable line, Still, I am the one here waiting.

The stars above still soar and sweet, And memory is my jewel to keep, But I'll grow around what is asked of me, True, I find I'm the one here waiting.

What is gone is not now spent, Soon I'll find my delight unbent, Under old frost, a heart may mend. How dear, to be the one here waiting.

So on I'll go wherever I am willed, Bring me to the table! I'll eat my fill, And life, who unfurls before me still Yes, I rejoice! I am the one here waiting!

#poetry #me sprinkling yet more stuff on your dash

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WHAT WILL SAVE YOU

Is it the cat scratching at the door

Wanting the winter wind?

Is it the nights spent lying hollowed out

Hoping hope will win?

Is it the frost lying on the darkened earth

Trundling towards spring?

Or is it the love you've carried all along

Till someone let you in?

Is it joy? Is it memory?

Is it life turning a friend?

Is it strangers become family?

Or their laughter heavensent?

Is it gratitude? Is it kindness?

Is it a tale of hope in the end?

Is it wonder always growing back

Or how warmth always wins?

Is it reason to keep on growing

Just so someone knows you live?

Is it you? Is it you?

Will you try, again, again?

#poetry #may redraft this but u know.

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The Great Calling

My beautiful little life. How spare, how lovely you are. Do not go far from me, But come back, come back Racing over the hills homeward-bound To me, always awaiting you. I will keep myself in readiness For what you ask of me, Only to embrace you. Only to have the sheer audacity To call you mine despite it all. None of us will survive you, Yet I have decided: I will love you throughout. How lucky must I truly be, You have need of me, now, now. You have not abandoned me, I am not locked out. I will walk through you gladdening Carrying the sweetness of myself. When frost narrows, stills my steps, Remind me how it was to melt. My dear life, how kind you are to me. Let me carry your gift well.

#poetry #i keep having a recurrent image in my head of whistling over the mountains #and for life to come rushing back towards me all at once like a dog bounds and leaps back to you #so i think? this is an echo of that #it's partly about trying to live well but mostly what it's about is faith actually #and that the greatest adventure of all is to live and live well; a tall task for each of us to meet indeed

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The Mourner

I rose, as if I were a bird Spreading its wings in flight Only for my eyes to fill and scatter Weeping dearly for everything in my sight. What was it that uncorked my heart And gave me the mourner's part In every theater of my life? Still, if it's what I'm asked to do, I'll do it with all in me left true. With every grateful breath And the best of my time, I want to do the most With what I was given as mine. Bearing in mind, I'm as one Fumbling along the wall Blindly, till someone better remembers And turns the light on. Until then I'm in the dark, Maundering over what's long gone, Yet I'll do what I can to stir Even one step more from loss. No, I refuse to believe it is always fraught Nor is it as if I was mistakenly caught In some trap of hateful design. What if I am here to take my time? Truth be told, there's a sting to life, But I'd still seek it out in every try. What could I love more Than returning again, again, again? Even lovely repetition Can become my loving friend. What could I do but look up and weep? There is great love in all I have seen, Even sorrow is something precious I get to keep.

#poetry #typical november poem of me innit

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Hope Not Lost

It's not lost! It's not gone! The hope I had once, It was not wrested from me, It was not something wrong. It was not beaten out of me, It was not a motion I stopped, Just a friend I was waiting for, Just a memory I couldn't ignore. It is mine to keep and care for, It is mine to leap after, barrel towards. Each morning, each long and hard day. What sweetness there is in seeking it again. If ever I lose its hand in a foreign place, It looks round each corner, till I recognize its face. Old friend, you find endless ways to become new. You carried me, now let me carry you.

#poetry #i feel extremely rusty with words lately #so you guys are going to have to avert your eyes and pretend that i am not being like this rn #this is kind of like that meme of sam carrying frodo into the new year though

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For Days You Are Barely Moving

Your mornings are hopeless & you're Blind. Scrabbling through well-worn Dark to your clothes, laid out In anticipation of this despair. Brush your teeth, braid your hair, Grimace into your grimy mirror. You'd pep-talk yourself, but words merely Pass through you unheeded. You rush and make your coffee The sound of its torrid grumblings And the sweetly-sour grounds' scent Are their own wake-up call, Are their own arbiter of hope. Maybe these earrings will do to sparkle, Maybe this book will do to carve a Space in your mind for dreaming. At least this bit of grace will fit In your pocket, silently gleaming. You open the shades, it's not so hard now. The light shines generously upon everything, Even I can change, even I am changing. Take heart, let the day in, Let's start from the beginning.

#poetry #times are hard for dreamers! (i say. being cursed with having to go to bed by 10 if i want to be normal) #(it's not a curse it's just a normal fact of life but i love to grumble about it) #but i thought it would be funny to write something about how sometimes picking out a book at the beginning of the day #fills me with so much more courage and strength than i ever could've anticipated. it's like a friend gleaming within you even if you don't #open its covers once. just the knowledge of it is unendingly kind and courage-making though

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The Searcher

Just as something massive Wrecks everything in passing In the aftermath, I stood aghast Wondering when the tide could ever recede. I scrabbled across the shore, hands slipping Over the salt-slippery rocks, hoping for relief Or solid ground, whichever came first. Only, There was nothing better or worse, Just the same old miserable hurt. Still I find myself aching for more. You'd think I'd have had my fill by now, But life, life, it's you I'm hunting for.

#poetry

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The Sweetness of Growing Older

Tell me the light is fading, And the wells won't run dry. Tell me stillness will still enfold me, Its arms unyielding, faithful As the turning of the sea, And the sea in turn, boundless, unending. Tell me that the sky is full to the brim With dust that looks like stars if you squint. Tell me a story that pins me, holding me To what I want to be faithful to at all costs. Tell me the house is still standing, That there is still a place for me. Tell me I'll live past the wishing to be wanted, Past the fear of no longer being haunted, I'll wake up to the days growing longer. Tell me of the beckoning pull of new months, The heedless, beaming motion of my growing up. That wherever I go in this world, I am loved. All there is left to do is everything else. There is no chain, the door is unlocked, My life is mine for the best part of all- Finding it out.

#poetry #blatant there it goes plagiarism but you know what's a girl to do but a blank page a rewrite an open door??? #i do feel like this probably should be two different poems but the funny thing is i don't want to separate them they're buddies now

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Survival Alone Will Not Pass The Time

You're going to be alright. You're going to come back to life. The sky will still be too bright, You'll remember how it felt to try. You'll lose the thread of time Reading something that crystallizes delight. You'll wake up and all of you will sigh But only because you're so glad it's light. It's coming back with all its merry might The wonder you thought long died. Sunsets are still so pink, it'll make you cry, Oranges are still sweet, mothers are still kind. Hymns you sing along to will still make you smile. Everything tugging at your sleeve saying Don't you want to stay here, child? I think I will. I think I'll stay awhile. When it took everything in you to survive, Survival alone seems the highest price. But come, sweet gladness, dry my eyes. It's time to go home, blessing all I hold in my sight.

#poetry #blatant plagiarism of a title because i'm thinking about station eleven again but what can you do

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JUNESONG

O days of endless sun, How you tear me all asunder! I lie here in unending light Breaking open from all this wonder.

My flock are all gone home, I stayed to listen longer. Who knows when I will be done? The boughs of my soul are growing stronger.

My core I kept so safe, so still, Tucked away from any danger. But this brilliance drew me all out Even my terrors grew friendlier and tamer.

Who can say when it all runs out? Every part of me is still changing. I want to listen with the fullness of self, And rejoice in my rearranging.

Every day we incur more loss, I like to name it as gaining. Even its absence is something I can love, And the love is backwards-staining.

When moonrise and home calls, I'll wing home with all my praying. Full to the brim, I'll sing long Of this newborn hope now I carry.

#poetry #the days are so beautiful and long i'm thriving but also cracked open like an egg by it all!!!

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The Dreamer's Memory

I lay under the weight of life

As if one who is long since dead.

My eyes, bound by painful silence,

Made streams of one word— dread.

The stars wheeling ever overhead

Cried out to me— I could not hear them.

Even sleep with gentle ministration

Could not tear suffering from my head.

Blindly, I dragged my body onward

But each day was tarred with sameness

My feet slipping on mountains once I climbed

I was alone, not even friendly sun in mine eyes

So I lay down to sleep where'er one could

Even a moment's forgetting worth any cost

Drank deep, cried a body's weight in gold

No reviving faith could I in darkness hold

Each stone I'd carried pinned me closer to earth

Till even silver-footed rain would find not my bones

Coiling inward as a shell in ocean-dream

There was no path but stillness for me.

Yet, deep in my sleep, a kindly hand laid on my head,

Without waking, I was called by the fullness of my name.

The storm wept itself out for fourteen nights and days,

Then cleared for the birds to announce their lifelong praise.

I blinked, emotion breaking over me in one rush,

I could see around as if for miles, changed in the sun.

No part of me remained as it was, yet all I am was then unbound,

I whistled over the morning for the sweetness of sound.

Tears— of joy, gratitude, hope stained my face.

This gift of life returned is mine to care for again.

#poetry #don't mind how late in the night i am posting this. it's fine. it's fine right? it's fine.

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Even This Will Become Part of Me In Time

When the shadow first came along, I wasn't certain I'd live through it all.

It whispered things that sounded like truth Even when it was just dust it carried along.

The spear went right through my heart, Taking even my best threads apart.

Yet I came closer and I came to know, It was just something afraid of being alone.

I thought it was death. It wasn't death, Just something else to overcome.

Even so, I wrapped my arms around it, And told it: it's time for us to go home.

It lashed and it bit, it snarled and it wept, I held on fast through all of it.

It begged and it plead, saying it would never come again, All I could say was: one way or other, we must be friends.

It threw its whole body at me, crying to be gone, I could only open my hands, saying: cleave me in half if you must.

Recoiling, it unbent, ever so little, Gradually, it came to meet me in the middle.

I held out my hand, opening to my palm. It sighed, then slipped its gray hand in my own.

It will not be easy, it will not be over for some time, But I will hold on, and we will walk back towards life.

#poetry #i promised magpie rather too long ago that i would edit this and i'm not sure it's actually the right form yet #but i somehow like this iteration nonetheless >:) #this is the same theme i write about over and over these days but you'll hear it again!