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3 decades away

Sometimes, a final goodbye is needed.

No matter what,

I always wrote what was in my heart.

My synesthesia made that hard for people to understand and my world made it even stranger. Every person I met in my life, I choose whether or not to tell them about it. If i did it was beautiful and if I didn't, I became someone who was just so unique, it was astonishing to be around. At the end of the day, I was glad and then got hurt.

I think people naturally will do what they want and they will justify it in a way that they can to live with the choices they make, however, my writing, my feelings- are something that I don't want to put down or glorify myself with. These letters, words, post, are me.

anything else is on you.

I want this blog, to whoever finds it, to know...

you can feel how you want even if the world is against you. When that happens, you really learn what people are, but when you heal, you learn who they are.

As sad as this Tumblr was for me, It was My heart. I won't put down someone else or tell someone else, I was better than I was, although, I admit, I had my moments and times. I cried out for help in this blog more than I ever did in real life and as I write this last post, I want to say thank you. To be so broken, but to trust- every one of you were special. Everyone I met was special. No matter what they said, or thought, or did. I recognized it all.

Therefore, To whoever finds this,

Words have meanings.

To everyone I met and everyone i could have, everyone I did and everyone I never will:

I don't want the things I write and say to hurt someone's heart.

We should always be kind to others. We never know what someone is going through and this blog is the best example of it. I was dying even when saying, I was fine. Yet, behind a computer you can be who you are and it doesn't have to be fake. This, was also the part of me and 3 decades is enough for me.

The world can believe what it wants, but only you know what you are.

I worry about the souls that uses that pain knowing that they murdered someone for their happiness, yet we should wish the people we loved and could have to always be happy.

If we don't, we're no better than the people who killed us.

Isn't that the better end?

[xobelvedere]

Thank You.

If I could float up in the atmosphere,  I wonder if anyone could see through that façade and realized that I’m really just hiding here. 

To be honest, I was about to delete this tumblr and then saw that once it’s gone, it’s gone forever. The thing is- even things that brings you so much sadness, also, uncanny, brought so much joy. I didn’t want to forget and maybe that is what will make me stupid in the end of everything. I won’t come back here again, I think I am in a better place- or a place where the girl who posted to be saved finally saw, that no one can save anyone. 

Will I self destruct? Will I find what I wanted? Will it be okay? My heart has gotten a lot kinder to my brain, but I wonder at what cost... It gets a little sad to be something I never wanted to be. A part of me keeps looking back and thinking... how I missed the old days, but when you think about it that way, how precious are they if things are how they are now?

You think about people in the way that they meant to you, but no one really thinks that way about you. I’ve met so many people and if I was honest, I was never perfect, I was far from it. I always smiles and I always did what people wanted, but if you were important, I would break down and open up to you. I think that’s what killed me. 

I had high hopes while trying to be myself- I learned recently that people see it as being unbothered. 

it’s really just-

Sad things happen all the time.  People use you and people cheat. People think saying what they are doing is okay or better yet, as long as they tell me it’s fine, but I am also human, aren’t I? I am stupid enough to say that it is okay, but to be honest, I guess I set myself up to be this monster. I wanted to unconditionally love without someone unconditionally loving me. 

the only light I ever had was the one gifted to me by my dog, but even now, I don’t know if he’s going to be okay. It gets hard to want to cry and have people tell you it’ll be okay when it’s not- that’s the same as everything, isn’t it? As long as they aren’t bothered, who cares? 

I think the person I was when I made this tumblr was so fragile that I wanted to grow her, even though I knew how people were. I grew her even though she never deserved any of that pain... and when I lost, I was my biggest enemy, but i was still honest with myself. I wasn’t any better or worst because I thought of myself as trash every time. I could have did nothing wrong and still I thought I was the worst person in the world and so I found myself in the corner of my room crying. I Fell in love with the honesty and got destroyed by the desire. 

And still, that girl I locked up in neverland, that girl that cried when no one watched, who said it was okay when it wasn’t,  told me it was okay - and that was when I realized, I need to stay away from here before I destroyed the last part of me that makes me, me. 

I broke down for my dog and realized how much love means.

No one should know me

And now one will, ever again.

Thank you

thank you to two decades. 

[xobelvedere]

“If I disappear, know that I’m okay.”

— Unknown

[xobelvedere]

“𝘋𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘥𝘦𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥. 𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘥𝘰𝘸 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘥𝘢𝘳𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴”

-𝘒𝘦𝘯 𝘒𝘢𝘯𝘦𝘬𝘪

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“I’m not used to being loved. I wouldn’t know what to do.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

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  ― Billy-Ray Belcourt, A History of My Brief Body

[text ID: To love someone is firstly to confess: I'm prepared to be devastated by you.]

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“I hope one day we can forgive each other for not being what we wanted each other to be”

— Kriti G.

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“When someone gives you a rare insight into their life, do not repay that gesture by betraying their trust.”

— Dodinsky

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You need someone who wants to be there when it’s messy and when it’s hard, not just when it’s fun and when it’s convenient. And you need someone who chooses you when it might not be the easiest choice. And you need someone who would rather do nothing with you than anything in the world with someone else.

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Handle with care

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“Not looking for you to fix me

Just want someone to do this with me”

#armnhmr #runn #falling apart #on repeat #Spotify

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