acesandaros

[acesandaros]

This survey is about gray-asexuality and grayromanticism. Anyone is invited to take it, regardless of identity. The purpose of this survey is to investigate perspectives on these identities and how they are understood.

Click here to take the survey. It will remain open until September 15th.

Questions about the survey can be asked in the comments on wordpress (no account required) or via this contact form.

[acesandaros]

[Image description: An image that says "Announcing Community Survey for Autistic Aces and Aros" on a black background with a green and purple border and a rainbow infinity symbol in the middle. The Asexual Outreach logo is at the bottom.]

Calling all Autistic aces and aros! Do you want to contribute to the inclusion of Autistic folks in aro and ace community spaces?

If your answer is yes, fill out our survey! form.jotform.com/221497455800256

(Please signal boost if you can so other autistic aros and aces can see it!)

[acesandaros]

[ID: A graphic in various shades of purple that says "Ace Week" in large letters with "October 24th-30th, 2021" in small text below. At the bottom, there is an ace flag speech bubble in the style of the Ace Week logo.]

Ace Week is approaching! Are you ready?

Ace Week 2021 will be taking place from October 24th - 30th. Check out aceweek.org and stay tuned to our social media to learn more about how you can get involved!

[acesandaros]

Reasons why someone might identify as “loveless” aromantic

Note: I don’t ID as loveless, this is just a collection of what I’ve seen loveless aros say. Add on if you’d like.

The concept of love has been so intertwined with romantic love to the point where they find two two hard to separate

They don’t believe that love makes us human

They’ve faced abuse by people who used “love” as an excuse for their actions

Every time they say that they’re left out of conversations about love, they’re faced with “love doesn’t have to be romantic” to disregard their oppression or the exclusion they’ve faced (e.g. aromantics are usually left out of “love is love” to represent the entire queer community, and every time we bring this up, we’re always faced with “love isn’t always romantic!!” to erase us, when the phrase “love is love” literally is only about romantic love outside of these conversations)

They don’t believe loving someone automatically means anything, and it’s just too vague for them (e.g. does “I love you” mean that they want the best for you, they just like having you around, or they appreciate you as a person but wouldn’t do anything for you?)

They’re neurodivergent and have always been scolded or punished for not “loving” in a specific way

They’re reclaiming their agency to define love for themselves

They feel that “We can still love!!” isn’t helpful because aromanticism isn’t a lack of anything that needs to be made up for, and they want to be respected simply for not loving

They don’t like being attached to this capitalized concept of love

They have a disorder/disability that limits their ability to feel or understand certain emotions, which may encompass certain forms of love, or the way that they “love” is just so different that no one really appreciates it

Their reasons are personal or not on this list, but still valid

Remember that lovelessness is entirely valid. To not relate to the concept of love, or to simply not love, is okay, and you aren’t missing anything. The reasons why someone might ID as loveless aren’t really our business, so if they say they don’t love, respect that.

[acesandaros]

A VERY HAPPY International Non-Binary People's Day!

Just a lil reminder:

💛 You can present any way you want (masculine, feminine, androgynous, or anywhere in between) and still be non-binary.

🤍 You can use any pronouns you want (they, she, he, etc) and still be non-binary.

💜Your gender is real and valid.

🖤It's okay to be unsure of your labels or pronouns - there's no pressure to figure it out right now.

💛No matter where you are on that journey, you deserve respect!

Check out our whole trans/non-binary playlist on TikTok, and know that no matter what part of your journey you're going through right now, it gets better.

[acesandaros]

Carnival of Aros Round-Up from October 2020: Prioritization

The October 2020 Carnival of Aros theme, “Prioritization,” hosted by @jay-aro​, was a powerful one, and inspired many thoughtful responses - on the priorities of using different labels, on coming out, on using different community spaces, on getting married, and more.  However, a roundup of all the submissions was never collected.  Though I was not the host of that month’s Carnival, I thought it was a shame to see so many great entries languish, so here they are rounded up together for the first time.

🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿

Michelle (Quiet ‘n’ Queer): Why identifying as aromantic is important to me (as a 36-year-old woman)

As I get older, it’s my aromanticism that makes me feel queer in the world. My peers, siblings and cousins are coupling up and settling down, and here I remain, steadfastly single.  

Allos (menacingaro): COA 10/2020: Identity Prioritization

As someone who prioritizes my aromantic identity over any part of my sexual orientation and sometimes my own gender mayhem, I often find myself in some level of… I wouldn’t say conflict as much as I would say difference from most of the rest of the lgbtq+/queer circles I interact with.

Coyote (theacetheist): Not a Priority

This post, too, is about priorities, but to be more specific, it’s largely a post about deprioritizing. It��s post about my decision to deprioritize the romantic orientation model, and it’s a post about quoiromantic aces like me being deprioritized by a community that likes to claim us, and it’s a post about why getting hitched (as in married) is a logistical priority for me in way that has nothing to do with what gets prioritized in aro community discourse. It’s about politics and it’s about financial insecurity and it’s about the thought of dying. It’s about saying, and being, not a priority.

Kate (venatrixlunaris): Being Asked to Prioritize

I can’t “prioritize” one orientation, my aromanticism or asexuality, over each other; that’s not how I understand my own experience.  And finding spaces like PillowFort and the ace blogosphere that don’t ask me to, that give me the space to figure out how to talk about it, has been liberating.  I have yet to find any aro spaces that allow me the same feeling of freedom to be my whole self.

HM (drivingthesehillsaway): Carnival of aros submission: October 2020

I’ve only had this label for a few months, but it’s so important to me. When I first discovered that I was asexual, I inhaled all the content I could find. But when I discovered that I was aromantic, I was running out of content very quickly.

aro-and-ace-memes-thoughts: Carnival of Aros October 2020: prioritization

Shifting my prioritization to aromanticism and engaging more with the aromantic community was very positive to me. The main focus on the aro community isn’t much “having sex without romance” (or like, isn’t comparable to the alloace focus on the ace community), but more the fact that we have few or no crushes, that is what we all have in common.

Sennkestra (nextstepcake): Identification For Whose Sake

In particular, my relationship with aromanticism is complicated by the fact that I prioritize my aromantic identity in community and activism work largely for the sake of others, and only secondarily for myself.

CharCharChar (charcharcharace): Internalized Arophobia: Be Nice

I realized prioritizing aromanticism (and becoming happier by shaking off my internalized arophobia) was something I wanted to do - but not yet. Self-growth isn’t a race. There isn’t a cut off date.

Briar Fenrirsbur (keeperofmykeys): Deprioritization

While I can find words to label my experience of romantic attraction and sexual attraction (and I have been able to use varioriented descriptions in the past), I don’t have a sense that my identity is split, really. I did the Questioning and the bi/pan/poly/omni ‘what am I?’ cycling when I was younger, and the simple answer is that I’m not straight.

Autumn (arias-hollow): Carnival of Aros: Prioritization

I’d say that my aromanticism has actually become increasingly important over time, as I used to be unsure if I was really aro/if knowing my romantic orientation was really important back when I only id’d as asexual, but now it’s the identity I think about the most.

totakeke-mori: Carnival of aros 2020, prioritization

I think best of my aromanticism because it helped me put a word on what has always defined “me”.

🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿 

If I missed yours, let me know - and be sure to check out the July 2021 Carnival of Aros prompt, “Education”!

[acesandaros]

Some aromantic people are romance-favorable, but that doesn’t mean “expect romance from aromantic people.”

Some asexual people are sex-favorable, but that doesn’t mean “expect sex from asexual people.” 

[acesandaros]

[ID: A square with a pale green background and dark green text that says: AcesAndAros.org, You don’t have to be “born this way” for the way you are to be valid! At the bottom there are grey and green color blocks in the shape of rocks and a plant. Image two is identical but in purple rather than green.]

So many people believe that our gender identities and sexual orientations have been with us since the day we were born, but that story can be really restrictive and invalidating.

For decades, activists have argued that queer and trans people deserve rights because they didn’t “choose” their identity: because they were “born this way.” As the argument goes, if I was “born gay,” that must have been how God wanted me to be. How then could my lifestyle be wrong?

LGBTQ+ rights have long been built on the “born this way” narrative. Instead of arguing that people deserve rights because same-sex attraction and trans identity are wonderful experiences that should be honored and celebrated, activists argued that people shouldn’t be punished for something they had no choice over. This whole narrative portrays queer and trans identity as lesser-than experiences that should be avoided at all costs. It implies that being straight and being cis are better, but we can’t help how we feel.

The truth is, sexuality and gender identity are far more complex and fluid than “born this way” suggests. People’s identities can change over time; they can change as a result of trauma; they can change alongside environment and culture shifts.

Sexual orientations and gender identities don’t exist independently of our other experiences either. Sexuality and gender can be influenced by neurodivergence, disability, upbringing, life events, and more.

None of these facts make queer or trans identity any less real or valid. None of these facts mean we shouldn’t accept people for who they are. Sexual orientations and gender identities should be respected and celebrated, regardless of circumstance.

It’s totally okay to be attracted to the same gender, and it’s perfectly okay to have sex with people who share your gender identity. There’s nothing wrong with that!

It’s completely alright to be in an intimate relationship with someone who shares your gender identity. It’s still perfectly okay even if you weren’t “born that way.”

It’s absolutely fine to have no interest in sex with other people! There’s nothing wrong with you if you aren't attracted to other people, no matter the reason!

It’s totally fine to be single or non-partnering for any reason - whether you feel you were “born that way” or not!

It’s entirely okay to be in a relationship or partnership (of any kind) with a person of any gender, and your relationship isn’t any less valid if you aren’t attracted to them or to people who share their gender identity.

There are so many gender identities and presentations that go beyond masculine cis men and feminine cis women, and every single one of them is wonderful. The way you were born should never limit how you feel and how you want to express yourself!

Straight is not the default. Cis is not the default. Sex and romance are not the default. There is no such thing as “normal.”

All our identities are valid whether we’re pan, bi, aro, two-spirit, trans, lesbian, ace, genderqueer, gay, nonbinary, agender, or anything else! No gender identity or sexual orientation is more “real,” more “normal,” or more “acceptable” than any other.

A lack of interest in sex or romance never needs to be fixed, even if you weren’t “born that way.” You don’t need to be “born asexual” to not want sex. You don’t need to be “born aromantic” to not want romance. You’re perfectly fine just as you are, and there’s no reason for you to need to change.

You don’t have to be “born this way” for the way you are to be valid!

#aromantic #asexual #lgbtq #queer #trans #born this way #pan #bi #aro #ace #two spirit #lesbian #genderqueer #gay #nonbinary #agender #nonpartnering

[acesandaros]

(My girlfriend wanted a post with bunnies.) To be clear: it’s also fine not to have sex, and compulsory sexuality is a problem too, but this post is a response to slut-shaming. For more like this, follow sexedplus or visit sexedplus.com.

#cw sex mention

[acesandaros]

Um this woman is living the dream

[acesandaros]

[acesandaros]

Caption: [So here’s something no one’s gonna tell white asexual and aromantic kids. Most of your fears for your future are rooted in capitalism and white supremacy. American white supremacy and American capitalism created this essential need for the nuclear family. And this idea that that is the only place you can get your care and resources and love.

That’s why so many of us are worried about who’s gonna take care of us if we’re elderly or disabled. It’s why we struggle to find single person housing. It’s why it’s not seen as normalized to have close relationships with your family and friends. There are so many examples around the world and throughout time where that was not the norm.

Where community care, community love, and community support was the expectation and the norm. And American white supremacy and American capitalism actively destroyed that. So maybe its time for us to start giving platforms to the BIPOC LGBTQIA folks who’ve been saying from the beginning that their liberation will free us all.]

[acesandaros]

Challenging Amatornomativity- A Beginner’s Guide

As aros, we tend to be quite aware of amatonormativity, but it might be hard to explain or give concrete examples of it, especially when explaining it to alloromantics. This guide and workbook aims to explain what amatonormativity is by giving examples of how it manifests and how it can be harmful. Through a series of exercises and reflections, people can learn to better identify and challenge amatornomativity. There are also a number of sources and narratives to help people understand its impact and learn from lived experiences. The worbook is aimed at (monogamous) alloromantic folks, but could be useful for aros who are struggling with internalized amatonormativity. 

There are currently five versions of the guide/workbook:

Digital workbook (fillable PDF)

Printer-friendly workbook (printable PDF)

Google Docs version

Youtube (audio with CC)

Downloable MP3

The workbook can be found on here on my WordPress. Feel free to share it, especially with people in your life who could benefit from learning about amatonormativity. 

A thanks and a shout-out to those who helped, including @aroace-avenue.

[acesandaros]

Seeing posts about the blues clues pride song and it made me super happy to be included

But it made me even happier to see that the aces were TURTLES

I LOVE IT SO MUCH

[acesandaros]

I'm only two and a bit pages into Loveless and we've already got "I had a theory that a lot of people's 'celebrity crushes' were faked just to fit in" woop can't wait to be called out even more by this book

[acesandaros]

You don't have to give it a try if someone asks you on a date. You don't need a reason to turn someone down. Just not being interested or not wanting to is enough.

[acesandaros]

There is no "right person" who's going to come along and magically change your orientation. If it does happen that one day you do experience attraction, that's part of who you've always been, and you can still decide if pursuing that person is the right choice for you or not.