bl00dylavender

[bl00dylavender]

Dear Diary,

i wish i was different. i wish i wasn’t mean. i wish i didn’t love with teeth and claws. i wish my brain wasn’t wired differently. wired wrong.

i wish i was normal.

i like to believe in the existence of the multiverse. that means there’s other me’s. i hope they’re doing better than me. if there are other me’s out there, let them be better than me.

let him be normal. let him be happy. let him not be a fuckup. let him be born a boy. let him process things right. let him love with gentle touches. let him not grow up fucked. let him be good.

let him be everything i’m not.

#tw vent #trans vent #i guess #i dunno #neurodivergent vent #i hate being neurodivergent #i’m supposed to be doing my final project but instead i’m writing #i keep being a dick to my roommates and i don’t know why #i’m not even trying to be mean. it’s not on purpose. but they keep having to tell me. #it’s the fifth time they’ve had to tell me i’m being a dick. even if not on purpose. #i don’t know why i am the way i am #it’s hard to focus #i hate feeling bad for myself like this. IM the one who fucked up. #i don’t understand #blegh

[bl00dylavender]

honestly i’m probably going to submit this one and my dysphoria monster one to my colleges literary journal.

sometimes.

most of the time i’m okay when i’m around you. most of the time i’m me and i’m myself. most of the time we are just two friends laughing together. but there are sometimes. sometimes my dysphoria takes over. and i become a different person. and it makes me hate you. it makes me hate your voice and your muscles and your jokes and your laugh and everything else in between. it makes me angry. it makes me feel robbed. because that should be me. that should be me. i should have the flat chest and the deep voice and the boyish charm and the strong muscles. i should be roughhousing with our other roommates. i should be making sex jokes at you all too. but instead it isn’t. and instead i’m me. sometimes i get enraged. and i want to scream and cry. i want to throw myself at the cold hard ground until i look bloodied and beat up and you can’t tell if it’s a boy or a girl you’re looking at. i want to rip the guitar out of your hands and smash it over your head. i want to punch you and scream and yell because you have everything i want. and it isn’t fair. and when these sometimes happen, i feel so guilty afterwards that i can barely look you in the eye. it isn’t your fault. it’s not your fault i was born wrong. but during these sometimes it sure does feel like it.

#fuck my roomates #they can go to fucking hell #i wasn’t going to submit this one bc it’s all about my one roommate but i don’t give a fuck anymore they just disrespected me #“we though you were lying about being sick finn #and the being sick is me having pots flare ups and missing class because i’m fucking disabled and chronically ill

[bl00dylavender]

sometimes.

most of the time i’m okay when i’m around you. most of the time i’m me and i’m myself. most of the time we are just two friends laughing together. but there are sometimes. sometimes my dysphoria takes over. and i become a different person. and it makes me hate you. it makes me hate your voice and your muscles and your jokes and your laugh and everything else in between. it makes me angry. it makes me feel robbed. because that should be me. that should be me. i should have the flat chest and the deep voice and the boyish charm and the strong muscles. i should be roughhousing with our other roommates. i should be making sex jokes at you all too. but instead it isn’t. and instead i’m me. sometimes i get enraged. and i want to scream and cry. i want to throw myself at the cold hard ground until i look bloodied and beat up and you can’t tell if it’s a boy or a girl you’re looking at. i want to rip the guitar out of your hands and smash it over your head. i want to punch you and scream and yell because you have everything i want. and it isn’t fair. and when these sometimes happen, i feel so guilty afterwards that i can barely look you in the eye. it isn’t your fault. it’s not your fault i was born wrong. but during these sometimes it sure does feel like it.

#trans vent #tw vent #this one is specifically about my one cisman roommate #he brought back his guitar after his trip home and he’s been playing it and it makes me so sad and so mad #because i used to play guitar and i feel like a failure and my dysphoria makes it 100 times worse #is this poetry? #poetry maybe #trans poem #tw dysphoria #dysphoria vent #dysphoria poem #sighhhhh #dysphoria makes me feel silly #i hate being like this #trans #trans ftm #trans ftm vent

[bl00dylavender]

dysphoria takes a different form for everyone.

for me it’s a monster. ugly and green and sharp with teeth stained blood red. it is angry and jealous and seething. it claws at me and rips my throat and lungs right out of me. it makes me want to punch men and scream at them until my throats raw because it isn’t fair that i’m like this. dysphoria is a dangerous creature and i know it well. it follows me like a shadow. like a cut that never heals. like a bullet lodged in my chest. like a shattered bone. it’s always gnawing at me. gripping at my shoulders with claws that pierce my skin and makes me bleed. it is a rapid animal, and it has me in its maw and it will never let go.

#trans vent #trans poem #dysphoria #tw vent #sorry for not posting!! I STARTED COLLEGE!! #also expect more shit bc i’m living with THREE CIS MEN. THREE. IN AN APARTMENT #so get ready for more little angsty poems and sad little words #ALSO I STARTED TESTOSTERONE #ITLL BE ONE MONTH IN A FEW WEEKS #poetry #is this poetry? #i’m going to pretend it is #idk man #creative writing #trans #trans ftm vent

[bl00dylavender]

there’s so much anger inside of me. it’s just festering. it’s rotting me from the inside out. gnawing at my ribcage begging to be released. it’s growing and growing and i fear the day my bones finally snap and it escapes.

the rage of being trans. the rage of being your son. the rage of not being your daughter. the rage of being disabled. the rage of being built wrong. the rage of wasting away. the rage of everything.

#vent blog #tw vent #trans vent #i don’t know why i am the way i am #i’ve been really mad recently and i really don’t know why #im listening to child psychology by black box recorder rn #i don’t know why i added that #trans ftm vent #my back hurts. i think im going to go and clean my room now #i dunno. it’s been a while. i’ve been avoiding tumblr. sorry. #trans

[bl00dylavender]

the feminine, the masculine, the artistic urge to stare at the paintings until they make you hallucinate, to read poems until they seep inside your soul, to write such words that hold the power to shatter a person's heart and fill the void at the same time.

[bl00dylavender]

honestly i haven’t really wrote anything recently. just because things have been really good for me lately. i’ve made some new friends and i went to college orientation yesterday.

maybe i’ll start writing poems about how nice things have been

#:)

[bl00dylavender]

i know that i normally only use this blog to ramble and jot down my sad feelings, but there’s so much hate in the world rn that i want to share some trans joy.

i’m graduating hs today!!

and as someone who goes to school in a very conservative small town, i didn’t think i’d make it to this point. especially with the climate of everything right now. but i did it!! and if i can do it anyone who reads this can too.

#trans #trans joy #graduating!! #smth happy for once on here #:)

[bl00dylavender]

im so fucking tired

[bl00dylavender]

making myself bleed to remind me i am still human

#tw sh #trigger warning sh #vent #tw vent

[bl00dylavender]

i don’t want to live in a world where everyone wants me dead and says i’m wrong

#trans #trans vent #i hate being trans

[bl00dylavender]

he/him, but in the way you say "oh fuck he's coming" when you hear the giant, growling creature in the woods getting closer

#me fr #trans

[bl00dylavender]

i wish someone would love me for who i am, regardless of all of my flaws.

regardless of my frail body and bony body and bad posture and yellow teeth and scars and busy eyebrows and disability.

i wish someone would love me the way straight couples crush on each other in highschool. i want a sweet schoolgirl crush. i want someone to be head over heels in love with me regardless of everything i am.

it will never happen though.

#trans #vent #trans vent #i hate living in this stupid small town #i hate myself #and my body #and everything else

[bl00dylavender]

i think this is just going to become a little vent account for me because it’s rlly hard to express how i feel. and there’s just some things i can’t talk about to the people in my life, they won’t understand. (they’re cis)

#trans #yeah i’m gonna vent on here #i hate being trans #i hate being trans in a small conservative town #i hate a lot of things actually #i’m also fucking queer and trans and i don’t pass at all so it’s even worse

[bl00dylavender]

i used to pray and scream to a god i never believed in to fix the body i was cursed with. i screamed until my lungs gave out. until my throat was numb and hoarse. until i couldn’t make a sound.

#pls don’t make fun of me #i’m sure you wont but twitter made me scared of posting anything #trans #yeah i’m an atheist #and also was born and raised catholic how could u tell #sorry i just wanted to spew out my thoughts

[bl00dylavender]

please bear with me here, i’m quite new to tumblr and how sideblogs works. i don’t fully understand a lot of things yet, but i am learning.

#thanks #i’m so nervous i’m gonna get made fun of that’s why i moved to tumblr #everyone here is so nice thank you #i’m learning still

[bl00dylavender]

i feel the flowers taking root in my bones, sprouting out through my knees.

#thoughts #writing this down #odd thoughts #sorta poetic #literally just putting my thoughts down here instead of in my notes app because this feels better than just leaving them to rot in my notes