comfreyhollywings

[comfreyhollywings]

This machine kills AI

[comfreyhollywings]

there's a tarot reading i did the other day when i talked about you. there's rose incense i'm currently burning. its fragrance hits the back of my throat, and it's welcoming to me. this is a ritual i have always done whenever i want to dedicate my time, space, and energy for you.

the keywords of that reading is: the weight of the world is on your shoulders and i want you to know something.

you are my anchor and have always been it. you know me just as much as i know you; every single side of me. manic, calm, spiraling, or absolutely overjoyed.

you can tell me if i'm overstepping, and feel free to tell me to stop. but here's what i've observed: the world is me. i'm your world.

you haven't said it through words in particular, but you have told me through your actions. i speak prayers and you always answer. every single time without fail. and when i told you i wanted to move towards the next stage in my work and love life, you immediately moved me to a position where i could receive it.

my boyfriend is the month of august, and i am a behavioral technician. as someone still studying the law as an undergraduate, i'm still learning the reigns and that is okay. i pressure myself to be in a position to pay more bills. i'm learning self-care as i order from door dash. i cook more often. sometimes i go manic and immerse myself in scenarios still. i'm seriously considering a second job as a community assistant for a government job.

i joke about my joints popping. the economy of the world. the concept of the self. bam, i get mistaken as someone who's older than i actually am. whether i'm in my thirties or mid twenties.

i'm twenty.

 odd. if it was someone else, i would've thought the world was as their fingertips. the thing is that i've never felt more inadequate before in my life. this inadequacy stains my cheeks and desecrates the stupid part of my brain always craving 'worth'. i have to be worth something.

what i'm really afraid of is not living up to everybody's expectations. but they're not my expectations, are they?

knowing that's me is.. shocking. what /is/ the concept of me??

you had once described me as someone 'aquarian-themed', detached and solitary, but still so loving. dreamy and almost out of this world. remote. you had accurately described what i was like as a person, and i couldn't help but crack a smile. like we were telling an inside joke. it's true i had aquarius placements in my natal chart, but i hadn't thought too much about it until you brought it up.

but the thing is, when you brought it up—you made me realize a key point about myself: i am deathly and deeply afraid. i am scared of human connection. this is why i isolate. and you are reeling me out of this foggy forest, chanting:

'no love however brief is wasted.

no love however brief is wasted.

no love however brief is wasted.'

figuratively, i am kicking and screaming while you drag me out. a part of me wishes it stayed stuck in that forest. except, i know that's just the familiarity talking. isolation is addicting but it makes you a husk of a person; a mere observer as a husk of a person. you don't interact; but that's not the same with others. you'd watch others interact with anything.

so okay, here's what i think. i think you're.. a lot.

not in a way where someone so much as looks at a person and thinks, 'oh, they're a lot!' as a way to otherwise tell them that there's no space in their lives; that they should water themselves down.

love is naturally, a lot. love is the most terrifying, brutal force in existence asides from genuine war. love is what makes you buckle down onto your goddamned country after being bombed, and holding on for dear life while you attempt to protect your citizens. love will naturally correlate with war; and it has always been that way. manic love will either blindside you to the worse, or uplift you in bliss.

there's a literal goddess of love looking out for me; being able to pin me down on the dot while i stare like a deer in headlights.

essentially what i'm trying to say is: being vulnerable has made me realize i don't have to work for love.

isn't that terrifying?

#inkskinned #spilled ink #writeblr

[comfreyhollywings]

"24 chicken parms, coming right up!"

[comfreyhollywings]

If you want earnestness in art then sometimes it's going to be cringe and sometimes it's going to be pretentious

[comfreyhollywings]

Source

[comfreyhollywings]

Fucked up how humanity discovered electricity and radiation and made machines and learned to make airplanes and cured diseases and our takeaway isnt that "Some Magic Is Real And Here's Why", but that magic is fake this is big boy science and it's totally not magical

[comfreyhollywings]

hey don’t cry. spiro the bald eagle failing at catching a crab, okay?

[comfreyhollywings]

“how did you get into writing” girl nobody gets into writing. writing shows up one day at your door and gets into you

[comfreyhollywings]

There is some pretty shocking footage out there of the Baltimore bridge collapse early this morning. I've already seen some incredibly wrong, incredibly insensitive Hot Takes about how shitty the bridge was to have fallen after being bonked by a boat, etc

Please don't be that person.

The facts will come out. Speculation is silly. In addition to loss of life, the Francis Scott Key bridge was a major arterial in that region's highway system. Its loss will be felt for years, and not just to daily commuters.

Baltimore harbor is closed. No shipping at all. This will impact supply chains in ways we cannot even assess yet.

It's pretty fucked up.

#baltimore #francis scott key bridge #current events #politics

[comfreyhollywings]

The "radical leftists" on this site who talk constantly about the importance of solidarity and kindness and compassion and then immediately tell anyone who disagrees with them to kill themselves are going to be devastated when they learn how much of actual union organizing involves talking to people whose politics you find incredibly repugnant and meeting them where they're at in order to find common ground

#politics #discourse #but yeah no this is genuinely something to think about #I think they'd both be shaken at how many practical parts they actually agree on #I've heard self-described communists talk about labor rights and I've heard my very conservative capitalist dad talk about them #^ OP's prev tags

[comfreyhollywings]

Legitimately the only acceptable way to enjoy tik tok.

#if only i had someone do this to me too LMFAOOO #not an avid user of tiktok but #god this is ingenous

[comfreyhollywings]

You know I think an underrated theme in SOC is that, the adults have ruined the future of the next generation. They have created an inhumane environment that serves only them. They've crushed and wrung out the lives of the weaker and the new, keeping them desperate, subjugated, exploited, and dead. Pekka Rollins, Tante Heleen, Jan Van Eck, Jarl Brum, these are our villains.

But Six of Crows also says that these circumstances have manufactured a much darker and tougher individual than these people can imagine. While the older generation are content to rest on their laurels and their ill gotten easy lives, their juniors are sharpening their pain into cruel and effective tools, with a drive that someone on top simply cannot understand.

Idk, I think it's an interesting and empowering (if not subversively harsh) message for its core audience as a YA novel.

#only YOU can traumatize that man #this tag has me HOWLING #message to the YA audience out there #six of crows will always tell you to exploit a man under capitalism PERIOD #(i say this jokingly with love)

[comfreyhollywings]

why the net, kaz?

#six of crows #inej ghafa #kanej #digital art #fanart #illustration #crooked kingdom #shadow and bone #leigh bardugo #the way that the expressions #body language #and scenery is drawn #the colors portraying the characters #the goddamned nuance #wow #beautiful

[comfreyhollywings]

ppl in the age of cell phones: fucking up their necks

ppl in the age of books: fucking up their necks

ppl in the age of textile art: fucking up their necks

ppl in the age of picking lice: fucking up their necks

ppl in the age of cooking: fucking up their necks

#for health reasons #im posting this #just so everyone can see this #essentially it doesn't hurt to at LEAST walk on uneven terrain barefooted #etc etc

[comfreyhollywings]

Hey be sure to go to your blog settings, head down to visibility and turn on this little button that prevents Tumblr from stealing your posts and using it to train AI learning models. Good job, fuckheads, great update.

#bless u op

[comfreyhollywings]

hey folks, shit sucks so so so much right now and I have deemed it time to bring out the big guns.

chances are no matter what you think about the matter we all feel horrible and this is not the time to loose our community.

this is a time to all universally listen to shitty sad songs, drink tea and hug. as cheesy as it is I love you guys and dont want any of us to hurt alone.

[comfreyhollywings]

it's kind of like scrolling back into the beginning where you've first formed a post.  it's a little bit like, say, tumblr. you've been scrolling through tumblr the past few days—quotev too to see what your past self has said to you. to see what she has written. there were so many gold mines, so many things that's been written down on a website that'll may be lost media some day. it hasn't gone past you to archive it to a certain point, but you know that it takes on work. work that you don't quite have the energy for today. 

mentally, i am scattered. i'm not in a space where i can read lines in order. the words have become scattered, ink blurred. it's like when you stare at a book or a screen for too long, it begins to deteriorate you. it's been deteriorating my voice. i can literally feel my voice regressing even to this day. it sucks, because when i've been looking for work, this was not what i had in mind. i thought it'd help me in my communication skills. to an extent, it has—but not in the way in which i pictured it. 

i never thought three hours every day mon-fri would tire me out. i never thought that i'd have the bare minimum of interaction with my coworkers while i'm stuck; isolated away from everyone but my client. i never thought i'd have to focus on the external world so much about gaining my financial independence while simultaneously helping mom pay the bills. i never thought i'd fret about my experience with my boyfriend keeping in mind the age gap we have. my friends keep DMing me on instagram. i still livestream a lot through an organized process. my dad was in the hospital but he recovered... so that's good.

in hindsight, my mental spoons aren't the greatest. it doesn't seem like it's been pushing me up. or maybe, in a weird sense, it is? maybe i need to just.. grow through it? and get used to this? i'm not sure yet. i'm still discovering things out. 

regardless of what's happened, i'm writing. i keep finding my fingers scattered all over the keyboard, just waiting and typing and staring at all the words. the grammar in this isn't the best. i'm still not quite mentally up to date yet. things keep changing and there's little stuff like social media that keeps flitting from day to day. no permanence. 

i'm not used to this. i'm used to taking things slow one step at a time. 

i received a reading before this—in which i was supposed to find a career that stokes my inner flame, not dampen it. i'm supposed to get something that'll stray away from the expectations put on me; to find something i like. that it's okay to strive away from people's expectations. i'm told to give myself grace for the things that's been happening. to slow down, nurture, take care of myself. 

so i've been trying, you know. i've been trying really hard. obviously i know, that in order to find things that you don't like, you have to start experiencing life first. naturally, it's a hard process. to go out there and actually gain it. i'm not a huge executor in the first place, but i know it's needed.

but again, it's like a bad internet novel. almost too good to be true. almost. where everyone started to remember that they could be happy, including me. even with the amount of work and the directionless thoughts i have; they're all just potential to start up something new again. i can find things that make me happy from the inside out. i can just.. accept and align with it.  

everything that had helped me survive in the past was reptilian skin. this is shed in light of a new circumstances; a new reality.

this side of mines that held such sharp, defensive tension. sneaky and eyeing from the shadows. always willing to be in the background because that was the only thing i knew. treading around mistakes carefully, banging my head against walls after seeing one slight imperfection. i feel restless, crawling out of my skin sometimes because i constantly feel like i'm not where i'm supposed to be. like i feel bad just for existing even though i've never interacted, not even once. 

but maybe this. this, the fear and confusion, is the thing that can be wrong.

things can be easy. if i let it.  

#bee speaks #spilled ink #inkskinned #writeblr #exhaustion is a bitch #but things can be easy if i plan things out #including time for myself #if i let it