cptsd-thoughts

[cptsd-thoughts]

that post about how suicidal people living until their 40s/50s/etc (and then killing themselves) despite struggling their entire lives is a triumph and not a failing really changed my brain chemistry, using it now to remind myself that living to any age with a broken brain is a win

#suicide mention tw #suicide tw

[cptsd-thoughts]

Being traumatized means having to remind yourself like ten times a day that you are not uniquely unlovable or broken or incapable of navigating the world and intimacy and then not believing yourself anyway because of course you're uniquely-

#ive tried being big and small and big and small mitski is so right #Too little in regular life too much with people i love and trust #Why can i not tell if im being bothersome brain come on #Like ik objectively I'm not always bothersome or they wouldn't be in my life actively #But i can't tell when i am?? Or rather. When being annoying goes from bearable and expected to unbearable #I did just do smt very new and very brave that I'd been so excited about and it has been a long few days #So i will wait until it balances out i just so badly don't want to get wrapped up in cptsd to the point where #i assign things to people that they don't think and warp sth nice into sth bad #I think i already ruined sth by doing tht but guess what!! I can't even tell if i did #It's just an endless cycle #I so badly hope i didn't. Also add 'not uniquely capable of being hurt on accident ' to that

[cptsd-thoughts]

thinking about how my parents will mourn me not being some kind of more grown up version of the happy and excited child they remember as if they're not the main reason i didn't grow up to be like that. as if they're not the reason that i have NONE of those happy memories they mourn. how is it fair that they get to live in a fantasy of a time that i do not remember because in between me being happy they were abusing me. how is it fair that they get to have the entirety of my life (a warped version where they did no wrong) and i get NOTHING. why does their right to mourn a lie outweigh my right to mourn my whole forgotten existence.

#trauma #abuse mention #i wanna make it into a comic at some point. zines heal the soul

[cptsd-thoughts]

something bad happened to you, and you died, and you came back wrong.

not wrong all the way. the little ways. you forget important dates, stopped going out with friends. it's harder to make you smile. you're apathetic towards things you used to love, afraid of places you used to go to cheer up. quieter. flinching. different.

you came back for love. you're still here for love. what pulled you back was a brightness so loud that even death couldn't outshout it. death heard the call and smiled at you and said okay. go home. somebody is waiting for you.

but you came back different. like lot's wife; you've turned into salt. you used to chirp through life in hops and skips; but now you lose skin just standing up. you have to move slower, skimming across this world without-touching-it. most things feel dull - until they're suddenly all-too-much. life, and being alive just rushes up and over you and you get hopelessly crushed.

you try to explain it to them: it is ugly, but this is what you are, now. the huge golden hoop of your halo now a little bronze ring. you are still watering your plants and wearing the same clothes. after all, you worked hard to come home. this life; so odd and off-color, now that you are wrong.

but they waited for you - it's just that they wanted the "you" that happened before this. the "you "that could sing in the show and hug people tight and look at a blade without breaking down to cry. the you with a smile in pictures. god, holyshit, it's like looking at a completely different person, isn't it. that other-you; the one they actually wanted.

you are the consolation prize. you are the body that forgot the ghost. you are the memory of the bad thing, and the death after; like you are wearing that memory as a banner. you are a fragment, an assembly. simulacrum. you don't make eye contact in mirrors, afraid the light will glance off and your true nature will flash back at you.

you hear them talk about it in their hushed, desperate whispers. sometimes they even admit it to your face; harsh and violent, acid thrown at christmas dinner. god, can you just fucking be normal again. you do not remember what normal is. you had to climb so far to get back here; you are far too exhausted. you want to open the glass door of your heart and show all the gears. can you help resolve whatever got messed up?

you try so, so hard. you came back for them. because you believed they would love you, even when you were so horribly broken. because you believed they would be patient. because you believed unconditional meant "without exception." you cannot do things the same way. you just get tired too quickly these days.

you want to put them on a couch and pour them the tea with hands that shake more than they remember. you want to line them up and draw them a map of where you have had to wander. you want to show every bruise in a backsplash; the little helpless ant of your soul carrying all that weight, over and over. you want to say: yes! it is different! but i did it for love!

you want to say: "i'm not the same, but i'm yours and i'm here. can that be enough?"

[cptsd-thoughts]

some time ago I made an entry in my diary where I lamented the fact that even if I get through the low I was in then, another awaited me, and another, and another, and what's the point of going on if life is just a cycle of lows and misery and my mind fighting me again and again? I was in a particularly bad state then, one of those moments in life where you've had a rough go of it for a while without a sufficient enough 'excuse' to present to yourself to convince you that such horrid state can be predicted and thus that it won't happen without glaring cause.

it's not a radical thought to think that it's the little moments that matter, the moments in between your mental health being a disaster, but it still feels revolutionary and bright new when it clicks for you. it's a particularly delightful realization that while yes, you will sometimes feel really bad, and maybe even that you will often feel really bad, it's entirely possible for the life outside those pits to be worth the effort of crawling out of them with bruises and broken bones and going on.

#op #dan talks #mental illness #in other words. i started creating again. i started resting #and i have hope again #ik not everyone has the privilege of enough rest to be able to get thru the pits w the smallest amount of damage #but im grateful that i can for now do that

[cptsd-thoughts]

Abusive parents will think that you're constantly mad at them and snippy because of some external reasons, and that if they placate you to a certain degree you will stop being mad for 'no reason', when in fact you so desperately want to be on good terms with them (that you will often temporarily ignore your pain if they show you an ounce of love and care), but they make it impossible by, you know, abusing you whenever those glimpses of wanting to get your favour back expire.

It's one of the greatest tragedies that so many abusers don't know what they're doing, and while you're suffering immensely they believe your unhappiness is unrelated to them and will try to put a bandaid on a constantly-reopened stab wound, unaware that they're the ones wielding the knife.

#trauma #childhood trauma #abuse #childhood abuse #parental abuse #cptsd #oh and also mine are bigots so like #even if they by some magic some day saw the abuse they did and acknowledged it and tried to do better #they would still be horrid ppl #itll forever be grief hour until i leave this household #op #dan talks

[cptsd-thoughts]

I was talking to someone earlier, and it reminded me of a way I cope.

I have a private self-care discord server.

In it, I have channels with instructions on what to do when I panic or spiral because when I start doing those things, I forget all my coping mechanisms.

I also have a channel for screenshots of loved ones that make me feel good.

I have a channel for little victories I have to read back on to remind myself of times when I feel like I can’t do anything.

I have a channel of neutral affirmations (I’m not in a place where positive ones help) to read when I need the reminders.

I have another channel that I write down happy experiences so that I can read them and smile when the lack of emotional permanence kicks my ass.

I also have a channel of videos that make me feel good (for me, it’s cute dog videos and nice stories) that includes some happy news articles too.

I really suggest doing something similar. While making a self-care box is super great (and something I also recommend!) having something on my phone is so helpful for when I’m out.

It doesn’t need to be discord but something organized in a way works for you! Something that you can open when you need it rather than having to try and remember all your possible coping mechanisms when you’re overwhelmed.

[cptsd-thoughts]

Give yourself a big hug for making it through this year.

[cptsd-thoughts]

grounding techniques, ok 5 things i can see. ugly man. shitty palm tree. clear evidence of air pollution. conservative bumper stickers. roadkill. why do i feel worse

[cptsd-thoughts]

“I had a room to myself as a kid, but my mother was always quick to point out that it wasn’t my room, it was her room and I was merely permitted to occupy it. Her point, of course, was that my parents had earned everything and I was merely borrowing the space, and while this is technically true I cannot help but marvel at the singular damage of this dark idea: That my existence as a child was a kind of debt and nothing, no matter how small, was mine. That no space was truly private; anything of mine could be forfeited at someone else’s whim.”  ― Carmen Maria Machado, In the Dream House

#mm yeah and this feeling/idea can be enforced even if it is never explicitly said #being made to tidy your room even tho its ur private space that has a door and that u should be allowed mess in #making you keep the doors open #etc etc #its all saying 'this is MY space #this is MY house. and you have to do it like i wish it #its kinda like. when u dont allow a cat to have a hidey hole that u dont bother them in #all creatures need a private space to feel safe in #and to feel safe knowing theyll be left alone in there #(a disclaimer in case some fool sees these tags. no its not abuse to ask ur kids to tidy their room #but theres a difference between them asking u that occasionally or when it gets so bad its harmful #and them screaming and shouting at u over it. or making it a thing that must be done before ure allowed to get ur needs met #nuance nuance)

[cptsd-thoughts]

Mannnnnn

I still am not past the point of instinctively feeling responsible for the feelings of everybody around me, and feeling like it’s my job to make everybody happy, even when their upset has nothing to do with me.

…Of course I’m also not past the point of feeling like I’m in literal physical danger when people around me are upset, so there’s that, too.

[cptsd-thoughts]

Abusers will act as if life is lived a singular, unconnected day at a time, as if all is erased that has happened once the sun rises again.

They weren't mean to you today, so why do you seem so angry? Why do you seem so tense? Why are you so irrationally sniping and aggressive? It doesn't matter if they shouted at you yesterday, or mocked you if you dared be vulnerable, or called you lazy when you couldn't do chores (due to the depression they largely caused)- it's all erased in their minds, and it's time to move on; likely it won't even dawn on them that cruelties of yesterday could affect today.

But the thing is, it's never today, or just a single yesterday- there are a thousand yesterdays, a thousand cruelties building on top of each other that affect how you see and react to them.

It's easier sometimes to go along with the charade; it's easier to shove your feelings down than to have to deal with them gaslighting you if the feelings are revealed.

Sometimes, the gaslighting might even work for a while, when the past few yesterdays haven't been cruel- WERE you overreacting? DID this happen as you remember it, DID it affect you as badly as you know it did?

You might even start to trust them a bit, because they bought you a gift, or your favourite food, or they gave you money to indulge in you interest; the anger at injustices committed turns into guilt- they're so nice to you, why were you so aggressive towards them?

But always, ALWAYS, inevitably, they will be cruel and abusive again. They will shatter that trust and cause more bitterness and pain than usually, because you had let them in again, you had let them convince you you were wrong, you'd been so FOOLISH, how could you think anything else would happen but this?

Remember, though, gaslighting is not an easy thing to fight with consistently, not when things happen for a while that might appear to counteract your memory and knowledge (they don't- kindness does not cancel out cruelness), so be kind to yourself, and don't beat yourself up for falling for it again, no matter how many times it happens.

This shit is tough to deal with, and punishing yourself isn't doing you any good. Instead, acknowledge what happened, acknowledge the pain, and continue to be as kind to yourself as you can.

#abuse #cptsd #gaslighting #be kind be kind be kind to yourself #is always my message #op

[cptsd-thoughts]

For any kids:

You are not supposed to be afraid of your parents

You never deserve to be hit (not even lightly, not even if you killed someone)

No one has the right to touch you without permission, not even your family members, including your parents

Your parents can love you and still hurt you, that does not make the hurt okay

Adults you trust can still be wrong

It's not normal for everything to always be overwhelming

If you are having a problem with any of these things, do your best to talk to a licensed therapist (if they are licensed therapists they legally cannot tell your parents your personal information)

You deserve happiness

You deserve privacy

You deserve to feel good

You are not alone in your struggles

Your struggles are valid, no matter how small they are

You deserve love and kindness

You deserve to be surrounded by people who love you and care for you

[cptsd-thoughts]

People constantly crossing your boundaries (touching you when you don't want to be touched, making you eat food you don't want to eat, etc) does not only get in the way of establishing self confidence, self esteem and the crucial ability to say no to people in general, but it can also make you feel out of control- someone is directing the littlest things in your life that should entirely and inequivocably be on YOU to direct (what you eat, what you wear, what you do with your body and mind).

But when you start implementing boundaries and saying, loudly and clearly, 'NO', you run into things to deal with that you'd tried to avoid by letting people cross your boundaries- people's disappointment, anger, sadness; the subsequent guilt-tripping as the most common way for them to try to get you in line again.

You have to deal with all the (misplaced) guilt over establishing your most basic right to refuse things being done to you and refuse doing things.

People will try to push you and guilt trip you and coerce you into things that you don't want, and I'm not just talking about sex here, I'm talking about things that might seem 'little' and that the people in question will mock you or scoff at you or roll their eyes at you for declining firmly; just let your dad hug you! just eat this food, your grandma spent so long making it! it's tradition! just try a sip of this alcohol, it's a party, don't be a bore! just, just, just, just-; except those justs are never a just, they're each a reflection of what you'll put up with one a small level and hence what you'll put up with on a big level, and they're a part of a much bigger issue; if you can't say no to something as little as a hug from a relative, if you can't decline that discomfort when the 'fallout' is just some temporary hurt feelings, how will you decline bigger discomforts which would have bigger fallouts but are essential to your livelihood some day?

This has gotten away from me a bit, but what I meant to say originally is- establishing boundaries is tough, and it's work, and it's work you have to actively decide to undertake, but it is SO WORTH IT.

When you have boundaries in your life, you have control of your actions in situations big and small, and you are far less likely to used and abused and manipulated than when you let people cross your boundaries. It is so incredibly hard to stop giving people's feelings precedence over your most basic comfort and needs, but it is also incredibly freeing to say 'no' and keep repeating it until they get the message.

TL;DR Establishing boundaries is incredibly hard, but it's worth it and very important, and will have a positive impact on your entire life if you keep at it

At some point in your life you're going to have to decide whether you want to keep dealing with the consequences of people continuously crossing your boundaries, or whether you're going to start dealing with the consequences of stopping them from crossing your boundaries.

#op #boundaries

[cptsd-thoughts]

At some point in your life you're going to have to decide whether you want to keep dealing with the consequences of people continuously crossing your boundaries, or whether you're going to start dealing with the consequences of stopping them from crossing your boundaries.

#boundaries #op

[cptsd-thoughts]

Ppl will be like “end the stigma around mental illness uwu” but still judge you if you’re unemployed or single or not completely self-sufficient or healthy or perfectly groomed or still live with parents and don’t see the hypocrisy in that whatsoever

[cptsd-thoughts]

The complicated Eldest Sibling emotion of "if you're don't treat them better than treated me, I'll break your goddamn legs and sue for custody" and "how dare you you treat them better than you treated me" is just *chef's kiss* bad

#keeping it in the tags bcs its related but not 100% #this is like basically what grandparents are #like. to my parents they might be monsters in some ways (they wont address it but. u see snippets) #but to me they're people who took me to ballet classes and played with me and were responsible #for almost all good memories #since my parents were abusive #its just. an extremely fucked up situation #idk if u would count that but. yeah its deeply painful #to find out that a light in ur shitstorm of childhood #was a monster in under circumstances #under different* #but yeah what u talked abt is like. the need to protect vs the need of a child to be taken care of #i. am extremely sorry that you have to deal w that #i have my own sibling issues but of a different variety