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- And you signed up for it? - Yeah, I thought “Fucking hell, he’s hot.”

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-going home? 

-yeah… you too? 

-…nice conversation

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smitten.gif

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Skam.

or how to destabilize an unhappy homosexual.

I still can’t explain my emotions. I can’t. I can’t. There is a Norwegian TV channel called NRK. It managed to produce the series Skam, three seasons of purely beautiful, true and authentic view on today’s youth. And that already moved me deeply. But as I started watching season 3, I didn’t imagine I’d be caught so offguard.

A little context might matter.

So my life is okay - love never found, maybe even missed out on some adventures in my youth. But I just tried to suppress it.

Na-ha. Try to suppress something when watching Isak fight with himself. When he is afraid to match Even’s view because he is afraid of the truth he might find, that he is just another heterosexual dude. When he is frantically trying to adjust to his friend circle’s rhetoric. Just seeing the scenes in the first episode, realising he is denying himself by kissing Emma, hurts. When he is forced to lie, slowly loses control of the situations in his life. When he can’t avoid hurting Emma multiple times. When he throws everything away, just to maybe have a shot at a happy life. His rage, his sadness, his tears. It has been years since I was able to identify with a character, let alone a gay one.

And it worked. At a lot of points in the series his rushed decisions were beautiful. His outings, most favorable the talk with Jonas and the interaction with his parents. And of course - Even. Although Even as a character was far too much of an angel to be true, it still is beautiful to see an honest laugh, heartfelt ideas shared, lying in arms, warmth exchanged.

It hits far closer to home than I would ever’ve imagined. And it was wise - the talk he had with Eskild after his outing showed me another perspective on a few matters. My heart was torn multiple times, and I don’t know what to feel.

So I’ll turn over to my life, I decided.

I’m going to destroy my Okays. I’m going to force myself to feel, cry, get angry. I’m not going to stay in this shell, which is slowly closing deeper around me. Because a 17 yo fictional character is already farther than me by declaring that Life is now, and making me cry just with that sentence.

I will switch to throwing everything away for a shot at happiness, and see where that might lead me.

‘Into the river stream, cling to whatever dream young lovers spoke beneath. Lovers searching for the light, lost in a magic night. Lovers, avoid each others’ eyes, lost in a magic night.’ - Kites and Komets, Lovers Travel Space.

#skam #skam isak #normally not so dramatic #i'm sorry but i had to

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Okay.

or the thing that hurts the most.

I’m no longer a youth, 23 by now, in the midst of what seems to be the wrong choice of university subject to enroll in - chemistry. But it’s okay, because it could be much worse.I’m gay, and a virgin. And I accepted a lot of things, because I couldn’t really change the way life played out for me anyways. They just became... okay.

Every person I’ve felt love for in my life was straight until now - which is just bad luck, so it’s okay.

I wasn’t able to tell my family my sexuality, as the Afghan culture doesn’t allow that - mind you, no one one in my family is a muslim, not that that would matter #communists - but that also is okay, I just had to hide until I was 18 and moved as far away as possible from home. quite easy in Germany anyways, right?

And it’s also okay that even in this far away city, I was afraid of interacting with men.

It’s okay that it’s still hard for me to out myself, and I still am afraid of getting ridiculed.

I have this irrational fear that people might recognize me as gay from my behaviour or rhethoric - yes, that is submerged internalized homophobia, and it’s okay.

All of this is, has to be, okay, because I was always told: ‘It gets better. You will someday be able to love yourself.‘

As I was always too scared to be actively flirting or asking people out, I convinced myself that you have to love and accept yourself before being able to be in a relationship, and tried to make this my philosophy. This system isn’t an inherently strong one, and it doesn’t need to be. I’m supported by the warmth of a lot of friends who love me sincerely. I’m an empathic human being whose impact on other lives already has been massive - I won’t be forgotten. So it’s okay.

For now, at least. Right?

#its okay #sexuality #life history

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Strangeness.

or where to get your energy from.

I’ve had a really intense talk with a flatmate of mine who’s going to leave the city soon. We sat on our balcony, enjoying some Afghan dish I made with a glass of cooled white wine, as the sun slowly started to set. We had been talking for quite some time already, as a friend of hers having a nap inside granted us some time to talk.

She surely had a rough weekend going on. Next to her preparing to leave a city she’s learned to love, she experienced some personal tragedy as well. A person very dear to her had told her during their last meeting that both of them are going to have to keep distance from each other. And as I nearly started crying from her just telling me about that, she herself kept her composure and strength. Yet... it seemed I’d shaken her up. Just by my reaction. Just by what I said, what I felt, what I transcribed to her.

She then asked some questions, which I was not able to answer. How are you able to empathise so deeply with another human being? How can you ever feel the emotions I didn’t even have the capacity to feel yet? How are you able to give away so much of yourself, so much energy? Where are you taking that energy from? This might have been the first time in my whole life that I realised I was an extrovert, through and through. As just by her asking these questions, energy flowed back to me. Yet, I was wondering, how? How did this work?

Apparently, I’m what you call a person who’s living for everybody else. Although I know quite well that’s an unhealthy stance to life, this seems to be who I am. Should I change that?

But if you’re happy the way you are, if what you love most about yourself is your ability to strengthen everyone around you - what would you be if you took that away? And can you even actively take away a part which dwells inside you so deeply?

Although.

I’ve noticed cracks inside the parts of my personality dealing with my habit of giving away lots of energy.  And that crack is getting bigger. I’ve already got to know the dangerous side of that part of my personality and aquired a good amount of damage.

I’ll keep being like that for now. I’d not be happy otherwise.

#empathy #happiness #deep #daily

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Order

or how to not deal with damage dealt.

In cases that you find yourself in a situation in which your life has already been destabilized to a certain extent, it is really easy to lose control. I've had several of these situations in my life, and realized only years later that I had got the weirdest tunnel visions.

The biggest tunnel vision of my life approached when I realized I was studying the wrong subject. Changing the subject would have put into question the flat as well as the city I lived in. Many possible solutions needing a lot of reflection and decisions appeared in front of my inner eye. Maybe I could use this as an opportunity? I clearly had mental problems showing up again, so the decision to go to university might’ve been to early. I should go take that year of travelling everyone’s talking about. Maybe New Zealand? Or why not change the subject directly? I’ve always been interested in chemistry. During my whole time in university, every time I came across a chemical topic I felt sad that I was not learning more about that. But also, that year I had realized that my horizon is never broad enough. I had realized that going to university was an important decision, so maybe I should go inform myself more. Why didn’t I choose psychology? Why did medicine always have that bad reputation inside of my head? Also, should I move back home? If I move, should I move into the dorm, or look for a shared flat? Or am I rather a person for living alone? I should have that figured out by now, right?

There were more factors in that time, of course. My landlady was throwing tantrums, threatening to throw me out of the room, while we still talked about the decisions on a philosophical level. Also, my social life in university quickly detoriated and struggles with friends added into all that. Time for decisions came around.

But instead of being able to decide, I shut everything out. Not willingly, no. A strange way of thinking appeared in my brain and started to relativize life to an unhealthy extent. I started putting things into perspective extremely often to avoid the challenge of the new choices to be made. In those days I slowly became aware all life was was your ‘existence’ as a systematic combination of cells, tiny organisms that once b y coincidence started to work together to raise the probability that some of them would be able to procreate. As I was not fond of the only goal of me to be in that existence seeming to be procreation, I went further. Those cells were of course made up out of chemical compounds, some of which showing such amazing properties. How was nature able to evolve to a way to produce energy in a usable form on the basis of saccharides? Next to that, all structural proteins are all a tiny wonder of nature. Or take proteoglycans as an example, a molecule designed to attract water, becoming the basis of the gels making up the interstitial rooms between cells. How much time must have passed, until chance lead to the assemblance of molecules capable of making an organism function? It’s quite obvious, where all this relativizing lead. From atoms to quarks, in the end every so important social effect slowly disappeared. My level of devaluation became so high, in the end, I could have indifferently jumped off a bridge, not because of being suicidal, but rather because there was no relevance left at all. And as the stress grew, the dissociation increased exponentially.

I succeeded in relativizing everything that seems so relevant in life. Society, education and basic concepts like food, love and shelter all seemed so extremely artificial. Still, I prevailed, and forced myself to make decisions, although not being able to think them through thoroughly as I was too dissociated. I had luck, that my spontaneous decisions weren’t the worst ones. I got a room in my dorm and restabilized in my new subject. But I took a lot of lessons from that time, and fear, knowing that when order in life disappears again, I might again fall back into these hypnotic behaviours. But is that really the worst scenario?

To another extreme, I see some people around me keeping order in their life with a stern hand. Those people often are far more organized, but also interestingly far less stress resistent. Many show signs of fixed patterns of thought, are perfectionists to a self-hurting degree, start making problems out of insignificant behaviours of other people and show less flexibility in life and relationships altogether.

Psychologically, the root cause for behaviours like this are to be searched for in the past. Strict upbringings very often lead to the described other extreme, introducing a subliminal fear of failing and losing control to the children. A careless move, according to my believes, making them prone to stress-induced diseases and loss of trust in one’s own value system and body. I certainly did not have a strict upbringing. But I’m quite interested in the reasons for those dissociations, and the risks they bring with them.

#tunnelvision #huh #psychology #dissociation

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Happiness.

or why I hate birthdays. I’m 22! I’ve reached a proud number of years a few days ago. Looking back on my life, I don’t think I’m supposed to be that disappointed. I’ve had a happy childhood, a loving mother and enough to eat, was able to study and see the good sides of many human beings. Putting some cultural issues aside, my life was far better than it would’ve been if history didn’t determine the end of Soviet Russia. Still, life did get fucking depressive these last days. Running around drunk, only seeing people of whom you aren’t even sure if you really are that much of a high factor in their life on your birthday - being in the wrong environment on your birthday is capable of destabilizing your whole self-esteem. I wasn’t really destroyed by it, but I surely wasn’t prepared for the negativism of some people. And I still can feel their negativity inside of me.

It’s hard to understand how one is able to be influencable by other people to that extent that I sometimes am, in direct contrast to my ability to put things into perspective, making me a human with a weird combination of emotional and nihilistic. While always preaching that happiness is a state of mind one has to decide for, I always catch myself actively deciding against being happy. Am I a bad case of a drama queen or is my life philosophy just not that omnipotent that I wished it’d be?

#huh #whathappened #birthdayssuck #:( #meh

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This my favorite moment of Bob Burgers

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Time.

or why is it 1 o’clock again. These days I find myself in constant struggle trying to sleep. Neither can I go to bed timely nor sleep through the right amount of time, nor wake up when needed. I’ve missed so many classes that I right now fear not to be able to pass my three oral examinations for this semester. Stress, anxiety, fear. A perfect breeding ground for any stress associated disease, uncontrollable destabiliziation of one’s already unstable psyche and loss of control over all other spheres of life. So, I’ve actually been doing good - although my room kind of overbends the definition range of the word mess, I still made at least half of my attendancy time in classes and lab. Although I sometimes cry myself to sleep, I’m in the schedule with washing clothes and dishes. My diet is not the best, but I eat regularly, although it has moved from a thing I loved to a thing I have to do. And even socializing has been going well, although the quality of my relationships quickly deteriorates.

...

Know that feeling when you feel that you’re missing something vital? Imagine yourself walking down a mountain with a beautiful flora, looking down on a majestic valley with a clear sky and a happy sun lighting your way. And although you realize the earth is shaking, and although you hear explosive sounds coming from right behind you, you try to make your way down the mountain, hoping to reach the valley before the lava of the vulcano right behind you melts away the ground you need to stand on. So as you keep on going, the valley still only seems to be a quick jump away, but you slowly start to feel the heat. See your environment deteriorate. See animals fall from the sky, killed by volcanic outburst or gas. And you start to get a little worried. You trusted in your own skills to quickly get off the mountain. You did. The valley was right there, in reach, right? And still, there’s fear left behind your crooked smile. For once, there’s the fear of you one day feeling disenchanted, and feeling the need to turn around - at last. And as you start to get curious, you will turn around. And you will get to see the mess that you’ve ignored behind you. And then, as soon as you realize what damage lies behind you, you once again might look to the front. Your personal paradise, the beautiful valley. And a decisive contradiction to your life appears, an even bigger fear. Why did you ever think that the outburst would not reach the valley as well? Something built on something faulty rarely becomes something unfaulty in the end. Know when to turn around and check. Loved to ruin your day.

#ruined it #unpleasant truth #killing idealism #loss of energy #rationality #identification process #am i doing it right #can't sleep

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<3

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Dinge, die Jungs tun und Mädchen lieben! - BULLSHIT BILDER #2

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(x)

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Bias.

or why you shouldn’t think to know best. Do you enjoy doing certain things, knowing you are not a professional at it? Singing? Cooking? Playing an instrument? Writing? In all matters, you should know the borders of your ‘talents’. Know at what points to stop, and always be modest about it - knowing your strengths is great, but it’s even better to know what strengths you shouldn’t overemphasize. That way I for example have tried living these past years, always trying to improve, but loving the moment of me trying to accomplish something which I thought I wouldn’t be able to accomplish. You might also have one person in your circle of friends who systematically has to prove that he, in opposition to you, has studied, learned or in any other way had a beneficial exposition of knowledge, practice or w/e concerning your loved activity. Should you dare to try to expose one of them to a person like that, beware: a tornado of multiple captain obvious’ is approaching. Even non-self-centered people show this phenomenon of trying to correct, ridicule or look down on you. How should one ever deal with this? It plainly ruins a day sometimes. A sentence to you, my dear: You should understand that going through life contains the necessity of not everyone being best at everything, but going through life as friends should contain love and acceptance for the other person. Sometimes, let that shine through. Show your appreciation, and feel happy to see someone else trying at something you might be best at. Grant them that much air to breathe. Our society is competition-based enough for my part of the cake already, please don’t let that come into my concept of friendship and trust.

#DailyRuin #bias #my skills are ok

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Dome Of Luck - Prologue

Surely, no one could have thought about the depths that emerged behind the walls around this lighted domain of politics. As the sky darkened and one could slowly feel the wind rushing down, sounding like the screams of fleeing merchants foretelling the coming of an impregnable army, one was either called to take stand and await the arrival of the dark army, or run towards any shelter so that the new spotless jacket could stay spotless for a few more rainy days. The sinister cat sitting on the wall did actually not possess a jacket, and even if, judging by its style, spots on it would rather be wished for than be feared of. Still, not able to stop the arrival of the dark army of raindrops, Mr. Cat rationally deduced that the danger of getting wet was far more imminent than the danger coming from crossing the shadows between the town hall garden's walls and the area itself. Any careful observer would have noticed the cat putting its paws together, as if about to pray.

Suddenly, lightning struck into a faraway tree. After a time that was equivalent to seeing the lightning and one's eyes readjusting to the darkness around, the space that the entity 'Mr. Cat' once existed in no longer contained such an information. A slender, dark clothed young man could be seen hurrying down Avory Lane, holding his bag over his head to shield himself from the falling tears. He chuckled, as this was pointless. In seconds, his dark grey suit took on spots of an even darker gray, and the spots slowly spread, diminishing any traces of the color that could be seen before. The man took down his bag, that could now be identified as a - hopefully waterproof - black business bag, which could either be used by that successful lawyer from that game he played yesterday, or as the mafioso from the car racing game his sister loved to play. Stopping shortly, he gazed around, trying to remind himself of any information about Gorfinne that his mind possessed, as the massive level of rain by now reduced sight to less than 10 meters. He unfortunately couldn't remember that Avory Lane, Gorfinnes main road, had been the main subject of a year-long struggle. And that he was running right into this trouble. As he tried to follow the seemingly straight road, his instincts activated shortly before he hit a mithrile fence. He elegantly evaded a spark from the magic on him just because of him nearly touching it, and meanwhile could also sense a strong sensorycounter spell put on the fence.  He chuckled, as that thought was pointless -  otherwise a clairvoyance mage like him would've felt the danger he was running towards. Still a little perplexed, he tried to look up to see why a mithril fence was in the middle of the street, only to be surprised by a pointless thought again. Apparently, someone thought it was an incredible good idea to have a house standing right in the middle of the street. It was an old-fashioned house, except for the way too modern reddish outer facade, and even a tiny garden. As if it could hurt no little fly, the cute house stood proudly in the way of any traffic trying to pass through. Through the depth of the rain, the man in suit could hardly make out the street, though. Maybe, or probably, someone had built a way around. He shrugged, determined to go left to find the buildaround his instincts foreshadowed, but then hesitated. What if this was his target? As he registered an old, warm voice coming from behind the fence, this thought again became pointless.  "Who upset him again?", he could hear loud and clear. He raised his head just to make out more details of the tiny red house. Parts of the house seemed to show distinct colors, but it seemed more like it was graffiti than a strike of unrequited love for art - what first just looked like the use of red modern coloring, seemed to be different kinds of red windows on the house facade. The same chaos could be found in the tiny garden, in which different kinds of gardening styles coexisted right next to each other. The garden and the house were connected by a long built out balcony, on which he could see the source of the voice he heard. A small granny, maybe about half as tall as he was, looked up into the sky, looking troubled. Her hair still showed a few strands of coloured hair, and she had curled it to a messy bun. She wore a green kitchen robe and held a pie in her hands, which quite possibly was about to be put outside to cool down. The granny turned her view down, apparently sensing someone's presence, just to notice no one being there. She frowned.  "It seems they've sent me some presents. I should prepare something for the incoming bad news..", she muttered, turned around and marched back inside. Where the mysterious gentleman was standing before, one could now only make out the suitcase the young man had used as a rainshield. But the moment the old granny closed the door, it swung open, showing that it possessed far more room on the inside than one could guess from the outside. 'Oh, what a good luck', the man in suit thought to himself, as he climbed out of the suitcase, 'that all effort is pointless'. He smirked, slowly raising an umbrella to shatter the barrier.

#DomeOfLuck #original story #fantasy #DOL