diaryofarollmop

[diaryofarollmop]

2.

Dear diary,

     Have you ever been called a mermaid before? The other day I was talking with one of my closest friends - Pascal - and after I sent her through a recent self portrait (as tends to happen), she commented that there was something different behind my eyes in that particular photo that she couldn’t pin down - or, to use her words “It’s hard to tell what you’re thinking... Some swim in the shallows but people like you are mermaids”. What I came to realise was that our friend Pascal was quoting Anais Nin, a la:

“I must be a mermaid, Rango. I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living.” (A Four Chambered Heart)

     I tend to ponder things. As a teenager I had this anxious habit of replying entire conversations that had happened previously and pull them apart, trying to get extra hidden meaning out of them. These days that happens, but with nowhere near the nitpicking nature of my teenage self - for starters, I tend to get a lot less sleep, so there’s a general lack of processing power for things such as conversational processing. There’s also the distinct fact that I tend to give less of a shit about what people think of me, and more about how I am in general. 

Or, as I said to my unicorn friend Hegs - “I ain’t gonna cool girl* it no more”.

She looked at me funny for a second, laughed, and said “You go girl!”

     Anyways, even though I give less of a shit about what people think of me and more about how I am (less robot, more human [remind me to tell you about how I became human, ok? It’s a really interesting story]), I still ponder a lot. These days it tends to revolve around how I can be a nicer person and just have as much fun as I can (not terribly good for getting sleep, but exceptional for filling your soul with happy feely vibes), and what the heck I want to do with myself (I’m feeling like this is a point in my existence where big changes are going to happen whether I like them or not, so I’d better figure it all out sooner rather than later, no?), not to mention the usual “They said/did WHAT?!”, “I need more money, for you know, reasons” and my personal favourite “What am I going to have for dinner?” - you know, the important stuff.

    One of the things I’ve noticed in the last couple of years is that the periods of greatest processing with what I’m pondering happens in the shower. It’s as though the water somehow transforms me from my normal disgruntled panda-like contemplation (slow and a mixture of grumpy and hungry) to something akin to a cocaine-addled ferret in a rabbit warren (so, whilst exceptionally fast and pretty much right were I need to be, I still have the ability to get lost down dead ends). I’ve had more moments of enlightenment on problems that have been a problem in the shower than literally anywhere else. If something hasn’t popped into my head during my morning ablutions, I know I haven’t processed it fully. 

     Although all this does raise a question - If you’re not spending your down time thinking, what are you spending your it on?

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One of the standout parts of the last couple of days for me was when I went to visit Ray and Jun this afternoon. They’ve been more acquaintances than friends, per se - seeing them at the markets, always saying I’d come and visit but ‘never having enough time’ to actually do so. Well, I bit the bullet and went to see them - much to the surprise of Ray when I turned up “So, why did you call and say you were coming? Oh, you told me on the weekend? Well there you go”. I had a truly lovely time wandering about their garden, talking crap about this and that and enjoying a cup of tea. What I realised is just how amazing it was to just be with people. To be present and mindful in that point of time. Enjoying the experience of just being. Whilst I can act like I’m too busy, it’s really rarely the case. Or in much simpler terms - the less time I spend with my head up my arse the more I like the cool breeze on my ears.

Oh, and I’ll be going back to Ray and Jun’s for another cup of tea and more talk about their garden soon enough. And I honestly can’t wait.

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*If you don’t know what that means, please read Gone Girl already, will you?! Hegs read it, and she loved it.

[diaryofarollmop]

1.

I’m bad at this. Actually, no. I’m bloody awful at this. There will be moments of verbal diarrhoea - when I’ll write and write and write, possessed by my shitty prose and/or caffeine and (new for 2017) alcohol (or both - also new for 2017). Then there will undoubtedly be points in time when I actually forget about writing at all, as though I’m regressing to the part of my brain where one of my ancestors is in a cave somewhere blowing ochre on his hand to make pretty pictures against the limestone. I digress though. This will happen a lot. I’ll just apologise about it now and be done with it. But I’m sure I’ll forget that I’ve apologised and apologise later on too. 

Ok, so what’s this all about then? I don’t know. Jeez man, stop asking all the big questions already. I got to thinking tonight about just how amazingly weird my life is. And it’s not just weird. It’s convoluted, with twists and turns and all sorts of amazing little bits and bobs that tend to float across my consciousness at random moments (not unlike those weird floaty bits you see when you stare up into the sky). But the coolest bit? I realised how freaking amazing it all is.

I also realise just how much there is to tell. And how much is absolute crap which will bore every last one of you senseless. Plus the fact that my brain is totally not linear in regards to time, so stories and things will pop up what will seem like a completely random way. 

But that’s what makes it fun. Or at least that’s what I’m saying.

So, this is me, in written form. Sloppy english and all sorts of nonsense, wrapped up in a piece of pickled herring and delicately held together by a toothpick in a jar of brine. 

--

Life is an amazingly fucked up thing. I can’t help but think about what one of my friends said to me last year when she took residence on my red couch in the hotbox of a flat I had:

“Whenever I see a person, I wonder what has happened in their lives to get them right there, in front of me, at that very point in time. Like, are they having a good day? How often have things gone well for them? Or has it all been shit? Then I realise that I’ll probably never know, and that makes me sad.”

When I think about the past weekend - what I’ve done and who I’ve spent time with and then probe deeper, I realise just how complex things become in a very short time. Ponder for a moment more and I come to the conclusion that I foster unique, individual relationships with every single person I know. None have stayed constant (in regards to what the relationship started out as), and they’re continually adapting as new variables are introduced (which, considering the complex nature of all this stuff, is always happening). 

--

It’s hot. So hot, in fact, that I’ve switched from drinking coffee to tea. Here’s a fun fact for you - I have both beverages the same way, that is with milk and no sugar. I also like to drink a lot of both of them, so an oversized mug is usually something often in close proximity. 

So, where was I - ah yes, writing a blog about stuff and things. My name (for the purpose of this adventure) is Rollmop. No, it’s not my real name, and it’s been such a long time since I’ve eaten one that I couldn’t describe the taste if I had a gun pointed at my head. I am thirty years old. I live in a small rural city somewhere in the antipodes, where I’ve spent most of my life. I currently share a house with a fifty year old Scottish PhD student and his dog.

One of my close friends is transgender and is currently not talking to me because I had a strong opinion about a video game. Another of my close friends has decided she needs a relationship to survive and is currently being wooed by a 65 year old African man who wants to whisk her back to the home country. I spent this morning making sure a son didn't see his father (at the son's request and thanks to a tipoff by my ex), and I think I might be ever so slightly in love with a German girl who I saw again for the first time in a long time today.

This is the tip of the iceberg. I haven’t even started about my family yet. 

Regardless of all the negativity in the world today, I’m finding that being open, present and loving of all the people I see is making for a much happier existence (although I don’t tend to get anywhere near as much sleep as I used to). There’s so much to tell you. We’re going to have such an amazing time.

Until the next post,

Rollmop xoxo

#writing #I'm starting a blog again! #literature #no #not again! #hahaha #inspiration