ichtios

[ichtios]

1.04.2024

i love matching colours and it gives me almost an organic pleasure to just stare at them. My todays outfit feels soooooo put together... one thing I love about warm weather is that I can really use my wardrobe. And not just wear the same two coats/jackets and look exactly the same every day for 6 months.

#ootd #poland #warsaw #colors #Spring #Finally warm weather

[ichtios]

31.03.2024

i got sick on Friday (common cold thank God not covid or flu) so I had to stay home alone for Easter. I see my family twice a year on holidays, now there will be only one time (maybe). Well..

At least it is warm and sunny and flowers are everywhere. And the sore throat is already gone which is the worst part of having a cold for me.

So basically I only feel it is Easter from hearing very distant church bells, at 5 am, and from Easter posts on tumblr - which I really like, as they are not some cheap "wishes" like I see on facebook, but have some depth.

#Easter #Poland #Home alone again

[ichtios]

A little while, and you will see me no longer. Again in a little while, and you will see me.

John 16:16

[ichtios]

The Spring

#Spring #Flowers #Blossom #tree blossoms

[ichtios]

it is Spring officially here in Poland.

#spring #pink #shoes #pink vibes #tiles

[ichtios]

3.03.2024

flowers for my mutuals

#Spring #Warsaw #Poland #Flowers #photography

[ichtios]

Opened tumblr Sunday morning to an immediate punch in the guts. Ouch.

[ichtios]

7.02.2023

it is happening. And I was wrong for such a long time.

when I was with my ex (when we were in relationship and even more after break-up, when we were still in situationship) we used to go to some cafe from time to time. It was so hard for me, my anxiety went through the roof long before I even left house. Then I was suffering from it for quite a long time into meeting, I would be so focused on how bad I felt that I would go practically non-verbal. Which in turn pissed him off. It was a vicious cycle of fear - I feared that if I will get anxious and panicky, and be „no fun” he would be mad and reject me and even give me up completely. So obviously I was stressed to the max. i know it sounds crazy, but the fear of fear is classic symptom of anxiety disorder.

but i thought it was entirely my problem, that there is something so deeply wrong with me, and it wasn’t about him. I thought that I would experience same thing no matter who it was. Yes, partly something is wrong with me, but.

yesterday we went to some meeting with The Guy in the cafe. Same cafe that I used to go with my ex. It wasn’t a date, we meet another woman, for mostly formal reasons, concerning political issues. Nevermind, that’s not important. The thing is, I felt normal. Before I left the house I felt normal. A little nervous maybe but it was more excitement than anxiety. I very rarely go out with people so it is always quite big. Rare opportunity to dress up etc. i felt good, i felt normal. The meeting lasted for three hours, it was long. But I was fine. Because I wasn’t scared that someone will get mad at me, reject me, be angry, leave me. it was our second meeting like that. And I started to see it.

it wasn’t entirely my problem. Yes, I have issues, but how I am treated is apparently crucial. When I feel safe and loved, there is no point of attachment for anxious thoughts and feelings.

guys this is huge. I spent 8 to 10 years agonizing, and thinking I am so fucked up. I wasn’t really. I am getting better.

[ichtios]

guys it seems like it is happening. after so many years, I'm loosing anxiety. Anxiety attacks, panic, they are in retreat. And I know why. And you would think I'm the happiest person ever. I'd think that too. But rn I'm the saddest person ever.

I realized I have nothing more to fear, to be anxious about, because I have nothing more to loose. The fear has no point of attachment. I lost everything I was so scared to loose. I'm living the life that I was so afraid to live since I was very little. Life that is cold, where no one is waiting for you at home, and you have no one to wait for. No one will hug you, hold your hand, hold you, tell you they love you. When you hear only your footsteps and hear your own voice talking to yourself.

For so many years I was scared to death that I will be left alone. Now I realize that my anxiety disorder became real, when my second bf dumped me. I saw that "love" is conditional (which is not, the real love is not, but that is what I learned), and that if I don't meet expectations I will loose. In my next relationship I was anxious from the start. He always made me feel that I am not enough, and I went into this anxiety spiral, where I was trying so hard to be "normal" and to prove that I can be "fun", but it was all out of fear. So the more I tried the more anxious and panicky I was, and there was no fun with me, I always ruined every "going out", we never went for vacations, etc. I developed severe panic attacks and health issues. Still I thought that if he would leave me, my life will be over.

As you probably know he finally left for good, 21 April 2023. And it was that evening, when I was falling into this abyss, when The Guy unexpectedly caught me. And since then everything started to change. I was getting better. At eating, sleeping, living. But I didn't realized everything yet. I think I was daydreaming so much, that I was living in some kind of illusion.

Then he was sick for one week, and now he is gone for one week abroad, and gives no signs of being alive. And somehow it made me realized, when I was finally left with no one (even if it is just for a while), that indeed I lost everything that I was afraid to loose and that I was ABLE to loose. It doesn't matter anymore how I behave, if I'm "normal" or not. Nothing to prove anymore, no performance. No test to pass. No "love" to work for, to bend over backwards for.

But what about The Guy you may ask, am I not afraid that I will loose him? (though we are not really a couple, but you know what I mean). The thing is - no, because I see that he loves me, and that it won't change because of the issues I have. I might be wrong but this is what I feel. He may not admit it, he may be cold towards me when I try to be close. But you know how his pupils dilute when he looks at me? his entire eyes sometimes become black. And the way he talks, the way he behaves.. I live long enough to recognize when someone is into me. And it is sincere. So, anyway, there is no anxiety attached to it. Yes I probably may loose him, but not because of me, not because of some "test" I fail.

Now that he is gone and I have this terrible feeling like it was all just a dream and he was a dream. And in fact this is my reality, this painful, cold, solitude is my reality. But no, he will be back. And I don't know what will be about us, but I know things are changing rn. And it is huge.

and btw tomorrow is my B-day.

(photo is from the middle part of Warsaw, it is some kind of college. I went there to see if I will have panic attack which I would normally have. There was none. I just felt overwhelming sadness, and this mantra went over and over in my had: you lost everything you could. there is nothing to loose. nothing matters anymore. And tears were streaming down my face. And it's a weird thing because it is so good but also so sad.)

#anxiety disorder #diary #warsaw #poland

[ichtios]

Hi.

#mirror selfie #saturday

[ichtios]

exactly. Sometimes when I dive deep imto my facebook posts, from lets say 8-10 years ago, I’m like…… WAS THAT ME????? NO WAY, JUST NOW WAY

reading old messages is really fucked up because you see things and you’re like i would not fucking say that

[ichtios]

ok, back with my accountability confession.. So I haven't give up facebook and chatting completely (it was difficult, especially because I have work-related things to do on facebook, and you know once you open it you scroll automatically), but I reduced it significantly. Especially chatting. Goal for the next week is do better.

[ichtios]

probably I know tumblr too well, because I guessed the sound before turning sound on. Still good.

[ichtios]

20.01.2024

Todays exposure. I decided to leave my comfort zone which is inside the borders of my district (Ursynów, souther part of Warsaw). In my worst times I couldn't even travel within it's borders without panicking. In my better times I would just panic the second I crossed the border.

Today it was quite allright. Haven't been here in a long time. Something changed inside of me, because instead of falling into fear and panic I just fall straight into tears. It is interesting and I wonder if this is some kind of releasing emotions from my childhood. As I child I felt a lot of fear, anxiety, etc. but I don't remember crying. My therapist said I froze those emotions because they were to overwhelming for me as a child. It feels like they come back now whenever I trigger myself.

When I was little, and even in my late childchood, I was afraid of traveling and being in a strange place alone. I never went to summer camps etc like other children. I was too scared to be without my mom. I was very dependant on her. I feel like now, when I'm alone, a little further from home, in these strange places, I feel the anxiety of this little girl. It is some kind of child-like emotion, like - imagine yourself getting lost on the mall or in a strange city, when you lost the sight of your parents. Can you imagine this anxiety? I think it is the same.

But now instead of getting anxious as I would as a child, I go straight into crying. Naturally. I don't know what to think about it but at least it is SOME kind of change...maybe for good.

#poland #photography #warsaw #diary #exposure therapy #anxiety attack #anxiety disorder #therapy #emotions #winter #snow #cityscape

[ichtios]

Ok I need some help with accountability. I slipped back into facebook and also into useless, long chats with a person that I shouldn't really talk to, at least not that much (he is married, I am totally not interested or something, but I just don't feel it is right to spend too much time chatting with married man especially when he finds me attractive. He is the one that starts conversations almost every time). It is really time consuming and I started to neglect my job which I hate (neglecting part, not the job itself).

So I'm going to give up facebook and reduce chatting to an absolute minimum till Sunday evening (babysteps you know). Will report then how it went.

(Always feel free to correct my English, thanks)

Here, have some photos, because today was the first really pretty winter day:

[ichtios]

14.01.2024

Today at least in Poland is the "Day of the hidden love" (secret love? Generally when you are in love with someone but keep it to yourself). In this day it is encourged to reveal your love. I'm gonna suggest him to do that maybe xD say it out loud you looser I know already anyway!!!!!!!!

#poland #my diary #diary #calendar

[ichtios]

I’m so glad. I opened it a few times, just out of curiosity, and there was for example guy walking on the background with his dick out 🤦🏽‍♀️

finally finally finally