justinlynnreid-blog

[justinlynnreid-blog]

As a meteorologist and @rebeccasugar fan this just made my day!

this is garnet

here’s the weather:

we’ve got a chance of mild showers with a temperature of 62

but it might get wetter

so if you’re going out i’d bring a light sweater

later on this week it’s gonna get cool

but not enough for the snow to cancel any school

you’re watching channel 2

let’s go pearl, back to you

#steven universe

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Fandom, Ostracism, and Trying to be Myself

After yet another fan controversy has spread across social media, it reminds me of so much I have gone through throughout my life that I feel that I need to write about it. These days I am nowhere near to the bad places I was before and even though my social life still needs work I feel so much more comfortable being myself. Dictating voices that always tell you who to be really are the cause of so many problems in this world and I've had to learn through loss that all of their scorn is meaningless in the end.

As some people know I am a huge fan of a show called Steven Universe, but even more so the artist behind the show, Rebecca Sugar. The show is great and is my favorite animation, but even more amazing is the artist behind it. Before now I never thought that a single artist's mindset, perspective, creative process, and ideas could ever influence me as emotionally and creatively as she has. Her art to me represents everything that is right, beautiful, and worth living for and has become a part of me for very personal reasons. I have fought almost my whole life to feel what unconditional acceptance from people my age is like. And to learn that you never even had to try at all, and just be you? Only very few people understand what that means to me.

And how does all of this relate to fandom? All my life I've been told (keyword there being "told"), that fandoms were homes of misfits and outsiders. That there were all of these stories to be shared and that you could let yourself out without fear of judgment or resentment of your earnestness. Unlike a lot of people instead of seeing a bunch of "weirdos" whenever I see conventions, cosplayers, or anything like them my insecurity roils back and I wonder "can I be myself, will they judge me, do I have to know everything about a show or a game just to be given a chance?"

And, at almost every junction I can remember, whenever I try to join a "fandom" it is just the same as everywhere else. I'm usually bombarded by questions to see whether I am a "faker" or not, which is just the usual imposter syndrome game that I'm used to in bad technical jobs. Unfortunately unlike Rebecca Sugar, fandoms for me was just another form of exclusion, just another vehicle to tell me that I was never good enough and could never be good enough. I actually refused to watch Adventure Time & certain anime for many years because of how I was treated by certain fans who were always quick to pass judgment but never understanding. It was always hard for me to hear and see how these people were able to find acceptance, and be told that it was somehow my problem that I was just too annoying, needy, stubborn for them to relate to me. And that is the killer thing about bullying and ostracism that people that haven't dealt with it don't understand. You know that you are being treated badly, but at the end of the day you can't do anything to change people's opinions without sinking into possessiveness and manipulation yourself. But yet it hurts all the same. Day after day until it becomes a dull and subtle form of longing that morphs into the familiar and close. From that point of emptiness you can't even remember where you started or who you even are, only impressions of those things.

So when I go into something as simple as a LAN party or any type of fandom-based thing these memories all just rush back in. All of the smiles, all the stories that I have somehow should have heard before, if I somehow just could've started where they were I wouldn't be as alone as I am when I am in their presence. If I didn't pick up a certain meaningful game, then I am not a part of the club, or I'm just stupid for some reason. All of these thoughts just flow through my head like a river when everyone else is talking about the next thing in their fandom that they want to talk about, be it a video game, show or something else. It's why I never did become a part of geek culture, never played something like D&D, and have only sparingly played video games throughout my life. I just was never good enough for it.

And yet somehow, I still had to build meaning for myself. And that really is the irony about my feelings about people like Rebecca Sugar. I had to be excluded out of fandom so far to discover my inspiration that happens to be so close to it. I have always been tied to my free will & sometimes it felt like it was the only thing that I have ever had. But yet one of the greatest things that both my closest family and Rebecca has taught me is that when I create my own path in life I will never be alone. That I am free to feel those things I once knew when I was younger, no matter the absence or presence of praise. That there is a place beyond scorn and disapproval where I can feel the world around me and just let everything go and be. And there, each and every day, I rebuild what it means to feel myself no matter how many times I stumble.

So these are my feelings about fandom and why I am feel so awkward when I am around fandoms. I'm slowly getting better but it will take so me more time. No advice, platitudes, or great success stories ever helped with this, they only resulted in shame for my imperfections. The only thing left is to finally feel the acceptance in myself that slowly flows back in like a rising tide. It's only thing that truly remains.

#bullying #fandom

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Stained Glass Letters

Stained glass letters on my windowsill sit where the amber light streams in. Beautiful faces both old and new reconcile my heart with the world. Be my image and my inspiration as you wash all the emptiness away. Opulent in spirit, yet never distant I'm swaddled in this star quilt of you. As small town misery becomes obsolete the monotone buildings fade to art. Narratives of hope by the countryside they whisper of a time I once knew. Here, lost in my imagination and desire I am reunited with the truth I have left In passion and nourishment I'm complete but yet there is so much left to see.

#poetry

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Learning How to Fall in Love

In frescoe clouds my soul remains but to your eyes my words return My mind colors are the endless rains but wreathed in your image they burn

Enraptured with empathy I am yours but even in this you’re not controlled Our light divided in endless fours in both joy and laments they all rolled

So here with your heart I am still a quiet sanctuary for my despairs And as I recieve my mindful fill I become something that still shares.

I am both loneliness and beauty light but are all these weird feelings right?

#poetry #sonnet

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What Remains

When I read your words I'm bathed in starlight just like I was when I was a young child. Tatters of my memories, strokes of pastel color will they reach you like you say they will? Somehow I'm still so self-conscious of myself, and even after everything I want to hide. But even as I become nothing but my fears I reach through the darkness back to you. Image repertoire of my hidden happiness the beauty of everything is in your world. And through all your ideas that I cherish do I really have a place there after all? But free of my slipstream box I can be again here to embrace all of your narratives. And just like when I was young I can smile beyond the upper room in timeless space. And with what remains of my identity I become that kid I was so long ago. But I've become older all the same as everything stays but still changes.

#poetry #life #bullying #rebecca sugar

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Love Collection

Sketch the shapes of my life as I find a way to understand you. My dreams fall into yours that I love and break away the chains of misery. Falling water as murmurs of your ideas churn away the depths of my solitude. Unified, yet solid like planets in the sky paint the coral blue scenes of you. But yet you are my sunlight and warmth raising me to a new place in my life. Tapestry of my tears, cradle of my words, I am forever wrapped in what makes you happy. Here in this cathedral of stars and night I'm somehow not broken anymore. In this older body that's seen so much I feel the acceptance as if it never left. And in this great design called life I am lost in your scenes one to the next. Beyond a simple smile or a simple touch I let your world become a part of me. And here as I finally find time to breathe I let your images become my art mobile. Yet with them I weave a newer narrative and I let them be a love collection by you.

#poetry #rebecca sugar

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Planet Stickers

Do you remember me, that kid who raced among the clouds? Drowned in my anguish once shed am I worth the memory or the time? I am both young and old now a murmur of something I once was. Beholden to my brokenness and errors, I always felt I wasn't good enough. But here in the refuge of my mind I linger drowned in a mosaic of forgotten impressions. You and I, with you beside me, I am released able to be one with my flaws with pride. And here in my coral skies of stars I paint my world with fire and eternity. But yet I hold you close, my bringer of acceptance you are my muse and teddy bear all the same. Form me like the brushstrokes of my dreams and yet tear me from my guilt with clarity. Your art flows through me like a rushing river yet tacitly holds me through all of my sorrow. And under the smiling gaze of my loved ones I am here both in my mind and existence. Etched from alabaster light I look upwards and here I reconcile both wonder and humility. And just like those times I had as a child you words are the planet stickers in my room. Varying and outstrecthing, one more thing to learn yet always a home to run back to and love.

#poetry #rebecca sugar #frienship #art

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I’m Sick of Politics and Echo Chambers

The past couple of days have been a reminder of why I refused to vote during this election, and why my social life during college is something I'm glad I've moved on from. Even though I am strongly a progressive I can't deny the fact that the more extreme parts of the left I simply can't get along with, because they can easily take any criticism of their stance as either evidence of me abusing my privilege or a personal attack. If I'm going to be brutally honest it is these collective holier-than-thou attitudes that caused Hillary Clinton to lose and Donald Trump to win, fact. You simply can't make a convincing argument over an ad-hominem guilt trip. Oh and don't even think for a second that I don't feel the same way about the right whose economic and social attitudes were the source of most of the problems where I was raised in the rural South. However what gets me so angry at the left sometimes is that they always preach diversity and inclusion, but in the end I am still excluded and bullied by them because I don't fit their "victim" identity checklist. And as someone who has dealt with extreme social exclusion his whole life it rubs me the very wrong way. But that's the horrible nature of American politics these days isn't it, as both "sides" have become nothing but toxic echo chambers who are quick to attack and demean others, rarely propose and implement positive solutions to problems, and are blind to hypocrisy and corruption when their worldview is challenged. Viewpoint must become subservient to fact again, on *both* sides, and what's funny is that both of them fall from the same narrow-minded and narcissistic tree. Yes I'm all for the hot button progressive issues (LGBTQ rights, abortion rights, policing reform, tuition free public education, single-payer universal healthcare, etc. etc.) but in the end I still feel that I'm treated like an outsider by those who ceaselessly claim "inclusion". And that's has been one of my biggest disappointments.

#politics #liberals #progressives #democrats #republicans #GOP

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Afterthought

I am your afterthought a forlorn forgotten message. Excluded by my myriad flaws but chained to you by my regrets. Here drowning in my endless self pity I find myself falling into emptiness. But other than oblivion I find solace a sky filled with stars like dust. In this world beyond my ostracism I find the way to rebuild my life. In a sunset archepelago across my heart I build my perspective back to the world. And as the remains of my innocence fades I replace my naivety with absolution. One more way to let go of judgment my existence is my silent affirmation. And in my heart I breath in forever one more sunny day to be myself. At last my truth is my connection with nothing else left for me to be.

#poetry bullying

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Margo’s Dream

Be her fire and be her world as she sketches each heartbeat. In the cocunut air she waits again while her mind concocts another story. Under these pastel stars she wanders up a marble staircase to her desires. Bring her to her lover and her obesession but yet bind her to free will's loyalty. And in her pensive thoughts she remains echoes of what could've been and could be. Fear and wonder, mindfulness and regret all become the dance she wove her heart by. Flowing like foam from the endless ocean her eyes now lay upon who she wants most. Ideas and characters that were always friends ordain their embrace with subtlety and respect. And in her rapture of kindness she finds love beyond what those sentimental songs promise. May this dream be one to decorate her life and be the afterimage of what her truth is.

#poetry #romance

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Falling Into Your Pattern (poetry sample)

This poem is written for an artist that has touched me more than any other and has helped me in the aftermath of the darkest moments of my life. The artist would be Rebecca Sugar, and her messages in both Steven Universe and beyond were something that I didn't know I needed but have meant so much. So Rebecca, even though we've never met, thank you for the impact you've had in my life and for helping me to be inspired once again. Be my breathing dream as I lose myself in your heart. Bathed in amber compassion so real I'm tangled in your world once more. Is this obessession or inspiration or the whim of my eternal naivety? In the fuzzy images of my tears all that remains are impressions of you. Once always too busy, once always alone I now know what fitting in truly means. Echoes of a life where I only need exist, I never had to really change anything. So here in your violet skies of stars I finally let my shame simmer away. And wrapped in your tapestry of emotions you let me cool into my deliberate self. And now no longer a winner or worthless I let compassion become my will to live. This place I will always come back to and be left falling into your pattern again.

#poetry #rebecca sugar

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One Last Regret (poetry sample)

Seeing you in the tarnished sunrise I can only think of when I was young. Smiles all around and full of love I was there at the table to share myself. But yet those times are older than a lifetime echoes in the spirit of my former self. In reverence to my sin of neediness I just give and give and yet find nothing. Here alone this is all that's left of me only tatters of dreams and obsessions. But yet when I see you I find something a remnant of what my life could've been. And just like those who always loved me I find myself in the arms of your thoughts. Here I no longer need to prove myself again and I need nothing to sit at the table. But here as my older self what will you see a man, a broken person, or a selfish loser? Yet drowning in my fears I must go to myself and from my emptiness I will find my own light. So now here I just become myself and become one with who I always should've been. Yet the one last regret that I have is that I was never brave enough to do it.

#poetry

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When Hearts Change (poetry sample)

Old time sun please fall on me where my naivety once grew so tall. Feelings unsaid from when I was young now race through every part of me. And as I look at those younger times I find that person within my pain. Left with no shame left to feel I let go of all those angry faces. Even though I'm so much older now I'm not as different as I thought. I still see those young visions everyday echoes of paintbrush scenes I adored. And as I drown in golden beauty light I find a way to my own absolution. Both young and old in my only spirit I bring myself to my identity again. With all the golden hills about me I now dream of who I will truly meet. Now both revived and renewed I am, yet still I never remain the same.

#poetry

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My Lapis Lazuli Dream (Poetry Sample)

Be my feelings on another cloudy day be my words on these empty pages. Remind me of when the world once smiled and bring me to where I was myself. When I was only mistakes you just smiled weaving another story of innocent love. In every joke and in every happy time I see something I thought I lost long ago. Comfort beyond just a simple touch I rest upon your world a weary fool. Silencing my own critic with just a motion you raise my inner voice to love myself. So sing to me your jazz among the stars bringer of both my hopes and heartbeats. And when I dive to the depths of my sorrows you will always lift me back out again. Now I'm one with the endless palette of night adorned with the stars that make up your life. And now worthy of these beautiful blue skies you art will always be my lapis lazuli dream.

#poetry

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Turpentine Clouds (Poetry Sample)

Beyond the sunset and far away I drift aimlessly over all varations. In light rimmed vapor caressing heavens I bring myself to a new understanding. In these places unknown I find new truth and in my heart I find compassion. And with the smile of a long lost friend I find a way to build my feelings again. May all these worlds rush by like a river and yet be my gently dying breeze. Be both my voice and my muse undying and yet be the glue that holds me together. In both consciousness and discovery I am and yet I know that I'll never be done. With every infinite change I am the same but yet I become someone I don't even know. And here swaddled in echoes of innocence I am delighted by sights of turpentine clouds. However a distant light calls me onward and through myself I follow that expression.

#poetry

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Elixir of Neediness (Poetry Sample)

One last lamplight sonata one last time to make you approve. Among all your characters I'm so small but I am an ocean of desperation. If for a moment I could see you happy it would be like I ruled the world. I would be your rose and your chariot on fire like the stories that make you. But yet I say another annoying word silenced by my fears and reason the same. What should I feel, passion or restraint are they echoes of manipulation and lies? So here in my blanket of countless cries I bring myself to make face once again. Countless feelings masked by cordial words I find the ways to wish you the best always. With the sun now setting on my delusions I'm baptized by both silence and regrets. And yet the world calls to me all the same as I drink my own elixir of neediness.

#poetry

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I’ve Been Having a lot of Thoughts Lately

Things are going well in my life and career right now and I really feel that I am in the place that I need to be. Even though I am so thankful for everything, things socially are still just a struggle, and; maybe it's Trump but I don't think so, where I live it seems like everyone my age is either busy, on edge, or just too distant to forge a real connection with. Maybe it is my personality and I'm just too awkward, but at some point you just have to accept the fact that some people just won't accept you for who you are and are just inconsiderate. And that's the thing. Rejection I actually don't have a problem with, because you have enough respect for me to tell me the truth. But people who claim to be "friends" and think that they are a heavenly saint for making any sort of effort in spite of their "busy day" for you has been the defining situation of my social life, and quite frankly saying that I'm tired of it is just not enough. This has fed every needy and insecure moment I've ever had in my life and after going through life's problems myself I can still say that these people will still "be busy", whether you are on top of the world or feel that everything is just crashing down on you. I will no longer be on the backburner for somebody's "busy day" and they should *NEVER* come crying to me when they have a problem, because when I need a shoulder to cry on the most it was made perfectly clear that I was just a nuisance and I needed to "figure it out myself". I am nobody's backburner and I'm too old now to tolerate that kind of behavior. I hate that I got this emotional but some things just have to be said.

#frienship #life #bullies