letterstosam

[letterstosam]

#sam #on #the #antha #ghosting #letters #loss #bye #goodbye #forgiveness #thank you #may #october

[letterstosam]

#on #the #antha #sam #letters #multiverse

[letterstosam]

Trust me, I wish I could.

I walked into a local bar today to work on a side project, just didn’t want to be in my house. I saw balloons celebrating a birthday. I turned around and walked out because I didn’t want to think about it, but it followed me all day.

Happy Birthday Sam. I hope it was full of love and happiness.

[letterstosam]

It’s midnight. It’s all I can think about. I am being so selfish. I want to be around you today. I want to make today amazing. It’s so selfish.

So I’ll just tell you happy birthday. I hope you have an amazing day. I hope you feel your mom with you today. I hope you can cut lose and be so happy and blessed.

I miss you Sam. I know I’m being selfish. But I hope you’re proud of me that I haven’t reached out, sent you a gift or anything. I don’t know how many more letters I’ll write you, but I miss you. And I genuinely hope you’re happy, especially today, March 11th.

-S

#antha #on #sam #the #birthday #hope

[letterstosam]

Tomorrow is your day. I hope you have had a great weekend celebrating. I really hoped I’d hear from you by now. I’ll keep hoping for tomorrow. In the mean time, I’ll imagine spinning you around. I hope you have a great, memorable and amazing day.

#antha #on #sam #loss #the #ghosting #letters #Morgan #Wallen #Morgan Wallen

[letterstosam]

Hey Sam,

I thought a lot about you today. Work was slow. I went through our texts. Probably should not have done that.

I wonder how you are doing with the loss of your mom. I wonder how much it hurts you to not call her. Do you still talk to her in your car? Do you still drive around with her?

It’s your birthday in 4 days. I wish she was here to see you enter your 30s. I wonder if you feel her presence. I know you didn’t… I wonder if you learned to feel her in the wind, in your art, in your tears.

I know now I probably was just making things hard. I’m sorry about that. I’m also sorry that I am not there to tell you that you’re loved and to remember she will always love you, even if you don’t feel her there.

Anyway, I still miss you. I hope you’re okay. I hope you’re happy. I hope you’re free and feel safe in your new sanctuary.

S

#antha #on #the #sam #loss #birthday

[letterstosam]

#on #antha #the #ghosting #loss #sam #weather #moving #moving on

[letterstosam]

#antha #on #sam #the #ghosting #loss

[letterstosam]

#Sam #on #the #antha #loss #love #ghosting #friends #post2

[letterstosam]

I spent the day running errands, my son by my side, laughing, joking, messing around. Searching for pork chops, getting a watchband, talking with the GameStop guy. All with a toothache and braving the negative temperatures.

I spent the day hearing about what he thinks. Exploring the filters he sees the world through.

I’ll never understand how someone doesn’t want to experience his world, his vision, his light.

So when I see him ignored, pushed to the side for something that just isn’t as important, frivolous or selfish, I feel deeply sad for her. I feel sad that the connection I once envied is already fading to nothing.

Then I think about you. You understand what she is missing. I saw my whole future in your eyes. I think of what Sundays with you could be. You drawing, or working on a project, maybe you got inspiration that morning and couldn’t wait to create it.

I make breakfast, we drag my kid out of bed at ten, he complains about it being a weekend and he should sleep in, then within 5 minutes you joke with him that we should have left him in bed because it would be quieter, then proceed to talk to him all about what stars are made of. Then you talk about art, about color and dreams because you two are the same in that way.

We’d eat together, he’d play a game, and I’d open the MacBook to finish planning all the trips this year. Some together, some solo, one couples trip, and this year, we are going out of the country together - to your dream place… somewhere your mom and you wanted to go. We are taking her with us. In many ways, she is always with us.

You keep on the project, you can’t help it when you have inspiration. I think about how you couldn’t be more beautiful than you are right now. I turn on pre-game. I keep the volume low because, my dear, I want to do nothing to change your focus or that little smile on your face. I put my jersey on, it’s the blue one this year because we haven’t lost yet… yet… it’s the Chargers we will.

Fast forward. Chargers win, you only poke me twice for being loud, a new record, but to be fair, we beat the Panthers, easily.

You hop in bed, on the iPad now… still creating. I get my boy ready for bed, he runs in, hugs you, tells you goodnight and that he loves you. He means it. You give him so much love. You connect. You get him. You’re both artists, just different types of creativity.

I tuck him in… he’s probably too old for it but I won’t stop until he tells me to. I come back to the bed, our bed. I slide into the bed, under your arm and put my head on your stomach like a dog. You giggle, and run you fingers through my hair. I ask you about your project. You tell me about it and the inspiration and why you hate it. I tell you you’re crazy to hate it and I love it. I sit up, lean in and kiss you. I tell you I love you, and you have never been more beautiful. You roll your eyes, tell me you love me too.

I change, get back in bed, and get the feeling of sadness I get when a day is almost over. It’s different now though… before when I found you. Because work is for you, laundry is for you, dishes are for you, working out is for you. Life is so much better when it’s not just for me, but for those in my heart. Him and you. And that enough for me.

This isn’t reality. I love my son. He’s growing, becoming a man before my eyes. You’re not here though. I don’t get to see that smile, admire your art, or feel you next to me.

No game day Sundays. No breakfast. No traditions. No partnership. No admiring how much you love a child who isn’t yours. No breathing you in while we fall asleep together. This is just a dream, what my heart wants. It’s okay you don’t… just heartbreaking because we both do not have that love and now, we never will.

[letterstosam]

2/15/24

#lost #letters #to #Sam #on #the #antha #post3

[letterstosam]

Hey Sam,

Yeah it’s me. You probably will never read this and that’s okay. I’m going to start with just how I feel. I feel sad. I still go to text you a TikTok then realize it will never reach you. The block hurt. It really did. I thought at first, you did it for you… then I thought… “maybe she thinks she is helping me?” Either way, I still get pain in my body for how much it sucks that I can’t just ask you why. You could have just told me to leave. I would have been okay. The conversation would have sucked, yes, but at least it would have given me closure. You know it hurts me because of the lack of closure.

What else hurts is the people you chose to keep in your life over me. So that tells me that somehow I am worse than them. People who use you and spit you out.

I guess that’s how you see me. A horrible person. Otherwise I don’t think you would have done this.

I want closure. I wanted you, but you know me, I am a curse, so I never get what I want.

I miss you Sam. Hope you’re well.

#Sam #on #the #antha #post 1 #loss #sadness #ghosting #coping